Am I Crazy?
i wrote this a while back, and deicded to post it here. hehe
Don't you wish sometimes u could just lash out at your mom and just tell her how u really feel about her?? I do. She drives me crazy sometimes!!!! Today I was talking to her about something that meant a lot to me, and she just stared at the TV and nodded her head, saying "uh-huh". Then later my aunt came. She started gossiping about my grandma, and my mom just ignored the TV and listened to what she had to say.
It's not fair!!! Sometimes I wish I had a friend to run to, but I don't. I don't have any friends. I don't have any family relatives my age to call; everyone is either old or young. I'm too mature for kids my age, so I don't make many friends. The only friend who I really had is in Puerto Rico, and I don't wanna call her. I wanna see her face to face, eye to eye and talk to her!!!
I hate my life right now. I wish I was more out-going, but I'm too afraid to socialize. I'm afraid that when I go up to people, they'll just judge me and think, "Why is this fat ugly girl talking to me?"...I wish I had a boyfriend, someone who could hold me right now in my time of need.
It's so embarrassing that I tell my mom and sister everything, and not friends. I'm so pathetic...I feel like I wasted my teenage years. I should be out smoking, partying, rebelling against society, running away with my friends, and sleep in the park...stupid stuff like that, but I don't!!!! Instead, on Friday nights while kids go to parties, the mall, go to the movies, go skating, I stay at home with my mom and it SUCKS!!!!! I hate it!!!!
I just hope that in college it'll all be different; I'll have many friends, and maybe many boyfriends...or just one...maybe two. I'm so sick of writing stories of how I want my life to turn out. I'm so sick of the characters in my story having a better life than I do. I should be thinking about teenage stuff like, "maybe tomorrow, I'll tell Tiffany to give me a smoke...yeah, that'd be cool." or "I hope David will ask me out soon, if not I'll just ask him instead." or "I can't wait for Michelle to come over, this weekend. It's gonna be awesome. We're gonna pierce our own tongues*giggles*"...but no, instead what goes on through my mind at night is one of my stories.
Last night I thought of Katie and Ryan (two of my characters): I thought of them making love, and I said, (or Ryan moaned) "Oh, Katie." And well, Katie was supposed to say "Oh, Ryan." right? Well, no. Instead I said "Oh, Jake." And that's Ryan's best friend. I have no clue why I said Jake. All I know is that I went along with it, they had a whole lot of heartache, but made up by having lots of sex...long story...anyways, my point is that I don't think like a teenager at night!!!!!! I think like a writer, or a screenwriter...
I so need a friend...or a boyfriend...and I can't talk to my mom about my stories. She doesn't pay attention; she finds everything else more interesting. At the end of my senior year, we were studying the book Night, about the holocaust, I talked about it to her, but she didn't care. But then when my sister talked about the Greek mythology, my mom was all ears, she stopped everything and paid attention to her and its not fair!!!! I asked her, "why do u pay attention to her but not to me?" and she said, "because I like the Greek mythology." and then I said, "yeah, but it's not real, the Holocaust is real." and she said, "yeah, but it's depressing."
No shit!??!? I wanted to lash out and say, "No shit! Why do you think I wanna talk about it??? Because I can't keep it in my head any longer, what happened to those people was horrible and I need u to hold me and tell me, "its okay, sweetheart. Mommy's here." And just hold me and let me sleep with you and talk to me about it. Tell me that there r people in the world who are inhuman, and what the Nazis did was inhuman. Tell me that nobody deserves to be treated like that; nobody deserves to go through what they went through. Just because they were against Hitler, doesn't mean that they deserved to be tortured. And then just hold me...is that too much to ask??" but I didn't, I just kept my mouth shut...
Do you know how I got over the Holocaust thing??? I used one of my characters, Alex. He also read the book Night for school, and he was just as torn up about it, as I was. That night, when his father, Danny, came home, he freaked out when he saw Alex crying and quickly ran to him and asked him what was wrong. Alex told him everything about the book and the Holocaust, and you know what Danny did?? He held him in his arms and said, "Its okay, baby. Daddy's here." he kissed him on the head. Alex looked at him and with tears flowing down his cheeks he asked, "But Dad, how could they do that? Why did they do it??" Danny didn't know how to answer his son. He caressed him, and held onto him and then he said what I wanted to hear from my mother. Alex felt a lot better, knowing that his father was there for him...and you know what??? I felt better too....I really did.
Does that make me crazy??? Should I see a shrink and tell him/her about how I make myself feel better??? By using my made up characters????
Am I Crazy???
Don't you wish sometimes u could just lash out at your mom and just tell her how u really feel about her?? I do. She drives me crazy sometimes!!!! Today I was talking to her about something that meant a lot to me, and she just stared at the TV and nodded her head, saying "uh-huh". Then later my aunt came. She started gossiping about my grandma, and my mom just ignored the TV and listened to what she had to say.
It's not fair!!! Sometimes I wish I had a friend to run to, but I don't. I don't have any friends. I don't have any family relatives my age to call; everyone is either old or young. I'm too mature for kids my age, so I don't make many friends. The only friend who I really had is in Puerto Rico, and I don't wanna call her. I wanna see her face to face, eye to eye and talk to her!!!
I hate my life right now. I wish I was more out-going, but I'm too afraid to socialize. I'm afraid that when I go up to people, they'll just judge me and think, "Why is this fat ugly girl talking to me?"...I wish I had a boyfriend, someone who could hold me right now in my time of need.
It's so embarrassing that I tell my mom and sister everything, and not friends. I'm so pathetic...I feel like I wasted my teenage years. I should be out smoking, partying, rebelling against society, running away with my friends, and sleep in the park...stupid stuff like that, but I don't!!!! Instead, on Friday nights while kids go to parties, the mall, go to the movies, go skating, I stay at home with my mom and it SUCKS!!!!! I hate it!!!!
I just hope that in college it'll all be different; I'll have many friends, and maybe many boyfriends...or just one...maybe two. I'm so sick of writing stories of how I want my life to turn out. I'm so sick of the characters in my story having a better life than I do. I should be thinking about teenage stuff like, "maybe tomorrow, I'll tell Tiffany to give me a smoke...yeah, that'd be cool." or "I hope David will ask me out soon, if not I'll just ask him instead." or "I can't wait for Michelle to come over, this weekend. It's gonna be awesome. We're gonna pierce our own tongues*giggles*"...but no, instead what goes on through my mind at night is one of my stories.
Last night I thought of Katie and Ryan (two of my characters): I thought of them making love, and I said, (or Ryan moaned) "Oh, Katie." And well, Katie was supposed to say "Oh, Ryan." right? Well, no. Instead I said "Oh, Jake." And that's Ryan's best friend. I have no clue why I said Jake. All I know is that I went along with it, they had a whole lot of heartache, but made up by having lots of sex...long story...anyways, my point is that I don't think like a teenager at night!!!!!! I think like a writer, or a screenwriter...
I so need a friend...or a boyfriend...and I can't talk to my mom about my stories. She doesn't pay attention; she finds everything else more interesting. At the end of my senior year, we were studying the book Night, about the holocaust, I talked about it to her, but she didn't care. But then when my sister talked about the Greek mythology, my mom was all ears, she stopped everything and paid attention to her and its not fair!!!! I asked her, "why do u pay attention to her but not to me?" and she said, "because I like the Greek mythology." and then I said, "yeah, but it's not real, the Holocaust is real." and she said, "yeah, but it's depressing."
No shit!??!? I wanted to lash out and say, "No shit! Why do you think I wanna talk about it??? Because I can't keep it in my head any longer, what happened to those people was horrible and I need u to hold me and tell me, "its okay, sweetheart. Mommy's here." And just hold me and let me sleep with you and talk to me about it. Tell me that there r people in the world who are inhuman, and what the Nazis did was inhuman. Tell me that nobody deserves to be treated like that; nobody deserves to go through what they went through. Just because they were against Hitler, doesn't mean that they deserved to be tortured. And then just hold me...is that too much to ask??" but I didn't, I just kept my mouth shut...
Do you know how I got over the Holocaust thing??? I used one of my characters, Alex. He also read the book Night for school, and he was just as torn up about it, as I was. That night, when his father, Danny, came home, he freaked out when he saw Alex crying and quickly ran to him and asked him what was wrong. Alex told him everything about the book and the Holocaust, and you know what Danny did?? He held him in his arms and said, "Its okay, baby. Daddy's here." he kissed him on the head. Alex looked at him and with tears flowing down his cheeks he asked, "But Dad, how could they do that? Why did they do it??" Danny didn't know how to answer his son. He caressed him, and held onto him and then he said what I wanted to hear from my mother. Alex felt a lot better, knowing that his father was there for him...and you know what??? I felt better too....I really did.
Does that make me crazy??? Should I see a shrink and tell him/her about how I make myself feel better??? By using my made up characters????
Am I Crazy???