Terminator Salvation: I should know better
Okay, I wrote an email to a friend who tried to talk me out of going to see Terminator Salvation, and I thought I'd reprint my review. I didn't think it was going to be good or anything, but I knew that if they are actually making a Terminator movie that takes place in the future, after the machines kill everyone, then I am going to see that movie, because they've owed us that movie for like 15 years. And if I'm going to see it, I might as well see it on the big screen, with big sound. I saw it at the Mann Chinese, or as I call it, the Mall Chinese, and yes, the sound is great and the screen is huge, but everything else about that place fucking sucks. It's the biggest mall theater in the country, and it's run exactly like a mall theater. Bleagh! I used to love that place!
I tried to put the rest of this behind a cut, and I followed the instructions exactly, and it's not making a cut, so sorry, I'm baffled. There are spoilers after this.
Crappy. A little boring yes, but mostly I was just frustrated by the terrible dialogue and nonsensical plot turns. You know, in between amazing action sequences and some really incredible effects, which are admittedly a lot of fun.
So, when you get all the way into the center of the beast, where they manufacture terminators, and when you decide you want to leave, you basically have to get through one Schwarzenegger terminator, and then you can leave. One terminator who has a big muddy brown splotch where his crotch should be. I thought it was hilarious that they can convincingly replace Arnold with a prosthetic dummy, no problem. Maybe we should try that in Sacramento.
And John Connor tells everyone over the radio to stand down by reciting some obscure poetry about the human condition and then saying, "this is John Connor," and they all stand down. Why not actually TELL PEOPLE why they should be standing down and not fighting? Now would be a good time, because I'm pretty sure I don't know. As far as I can tell, it's so that you can go save the guy who will be your father so that you exist. Not to save everyone, but to just save John Connor. Cause I think you haven't actually saved anyone else yet. So he's really risking the whole human race to save himself from suddenly not existing. And why does John Connor not trust the terminator guy who says he wants to help him? Why does he have such a problem with this, did Terminator 2 never happen? You know, where Arnold comes back and is a good guy this time and saves his life repeatedly and becomes almost like the father he never had. I guess he forgot about all that.
And any time you have your lead character yelling into a microphone, "Use evasive maneuvers, NOW!" and it doesn't relate to anything that's happening on screen, you should think about a second draft.
And jesus, what the hell was Common doing in this movie? Don't ask him, he clearly has no idea. And Opie Cunningham's daughter? I have to buy that she's John Connor's super-hot, pregnant nurse girlfriend who stands around a lot with no lines, and then is suddenly able to perform a heart transplant in the field? Okay, I will totally buy that. Sure, why the fuck not? Common is standing right there, and he totally can help her perform that heart transplant. In the field. Fuck it.
Oh yeah, and John Connor is really good at surviving helicopter crashes. Even when they are caused by a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
It was awesome, I totally recommend it.
I tried to put the rest of this behind a cut, and I followed the instructions exactly, and it's not making a cut, so sorry, I'm baffled. There are spoilers after this.
Crappy. A little boring yes, but mostly I was just frustrated by the terrible dialogue and nonsensical plot turns. You know, in between amazing action sequences and some really incredible effects, which are admittedly a lot of fun.
So, when you get all the way into the center of the beast, where they manufacture terminators, and when you decide you want to leave, you basically have to get through one Schwarzenegger terminator, and then you can leave. One terminator who has a big muddy brown splotch where his crotch should be. I thought it was hilarious that they can convincingly replace Arnold with a prosthetic dummy, no problem. Maybe we should try that in Sacramento.
And John Connor tells everyone over the radio to stand down by reciting some obscure poetry about the human condition and then saying, "this is John Connor," and they all stand down. Why not actually TELL PEOPLE why they should be standing down and not fighting? Now would be a good time, because I'm pretty sure I don't know. As far as I can tell, it's so that you can go save the guy who will be your father so that you exist. Not to save everyone, but to just save John Connor. Cause I think you haven't actually saved anyone else yet. So he's really risking the whole human race to save himself from suddenly not existing. And why does John Connor not trust the terminator guy who says he wants to help him? Why does he have such a problem with this, did Terminator 2 never happen? You know, where Arnold comes back and is a good guy this time and saves his life repeatedly and becomes almost like the father he never had. I guess he forgot about all that.
And any time you have your lead character yelling into a microphone, "Use evasive maneuvers, NOW!" and it doesn't relate to anything that's happening on screen, you should think about a second draft.
And jesus, what the hell was Common doing in this movie? Don't ask him, he clearly has no idea. And Opie Cunningham's daughter? I have to buy that she's John Connor's super-hot, pregnant nurse girlfriend who stands around a lot with no lines, and then is suddenly able to perform a heart transplant in the field? Okay, I will totally buy that. Sure, why the fuck not? Common is standing right there, and he totally can help her perform that heart transplant. In the field. Fuck it.
Oh yeah, and John Connor is really good at surviving helicopter crashes. Even when they are caused by a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
It was awesome, I totally recommend it.