New Diet Plan
Since I've had the baby, and I'm finally unrestricted in what I can do, I've been trying to lose weight. I was having trouble getting started, so I tried a new diet plan. It's called the "Get Freakishly Sick" diet plan.
The first step is to contract some illness--a Urinary Tract Infection, for example. I don't know about other sicknesses, but I can attest that this one will work just fine. Go to the doctor about it, but make sure they don't give you the proper medication, so it doesn't fully go away. Then, wait a few days. Be patient. Eventually, your lower abdomen will start to cramp. That's good. That means it's working. Next, the pain will move to your lower back. You're really on the right track now! Finally, the pain will become so intense that you can't get comfortable. You may even cry. That's okay.
Now, if you wait just long enough, you'll start to barf. This is important. Barf like you mean it. And if you're lucky like me, your husband and kids will be there to watch. We made it a family affair. At this point, you may want to go to the Emergency Room. I mean, it hurts pretty darn bad, and they can make it stop. We were lucky enough to have family watch our kids while Andrew took me. You may have to be there 4 or 5 hours. That's normal. They may not give you pain meds for hours. That's normal, too. And it may be ridiculously cold in there. I'm sure the shivering helps with the weight loss. While you're there, be sure to throw up a few more times just to make sure you've gotten all that food you ate out of there. Dry heaving means it's working.
After a few hours in the ER, they will send you home with a prescription and not enough pain meds. The good news about the prescription is that it will make you nauseated. It will also give you diarrhea. This is the last crucial step for the diet plan to work. You have to take medicine for 7 days that will make you not want to eat AND make you run to the bathroom every hour or so. Diet AND exercise?! That's what I'm talking about.
After trying out this new diet plan, I got excellent results. 6 lbs in one week! AMAZING!
So there you have it. The new way to lose those first few pesky pounds. It worked for me!
I think I should market this on TV...
The first step is to contract some illness--a Urinary Tract Infection, for example. I don't know about other sicknesses, but I can attest that this one will work just fine. Go to the doctor about it, but make sure they don't give you the proper medication, so it doesn't fully go away. Then, wait a few days. Be patient. Eventually, your lower abdomen will start to cramp. That's good. That means it's working. Next, the pain will move to your lower back. You're really on the right track now! Finally, the pain will become so intense that you can't get comfortable. You may even cry. That's okay.
Now, if you wait just long enough, you'll start to barf. This is important. Barf like you mean it. And if you're lucky like me, your husband and kids will be there to watch. We made it a family affair. At this point, you may want to go to the Emergency Room. I mean, it hurts pretty darn bad, and they can make it stop. We were lucky enough to have family watch our kids while Andrew took me. You may have to be there 4 or 5 hours. That's normal. They may not give you pain meds for hours. That's normal, too. And it may be ridiculously cold in there. I'm sure the shivering helps with the weight loss. While you're there, be sure to throw up a few more times just to make sure you've gotten all that food you ate out of there. Dry heaving means it's working.
After a few hours in the ER, they will send you home with a prescription and not enough pain meds. The good news about the prescription is that it will make you nauseated. It will also give you diarrhea. This is the last crucial step for the diet plan to work. You have to take medicine for 7 days that will make you not want to eat AND make you run to the bathroom every hour or so. Diet AND exercise?! That's what I'm talking about.
After trying out this new diet plan, I got excellent results. 6 lbs in one week! AMAZING!
So there you have it. The new way to lose those first few pesky pounds. It worked for me!
I think I should market this on TV...