a doggie on a chain, don't bite the mailman
OK, I finally feel up to really writing about all this. Friday, I took Sadie outside sometime in the evening. I got down on my knees in the driveway, gave her a huge long hug, told her I loved her, and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. We had been talking a lot lately about how she might not be around much longer, and for whatever reason I just started feeling like I needed to spend more time with her. I had a really hard time sleeping that night, I kept getting this feeling that something was wrong but I didn't know what it was. I fell asleep around 3, only to wake up at 5 when my dad was getting ready for work. I'm not sure why, but I stayed in bed rather than getting up and saying good morning to him. The feeling that something bad happened got worse and worse, and as he walked down the stone walkway to the car I heard him say "God" or "shit" or something, I can't really remember. I figured he was running late or something, so I just waited until I heard the car leave and got up.
I walked into the kitchen and smelled bleach, and figured maybe Sadie had made a mess and he had to clean it up which is why he was late, so I opened the mudroom door to see if I was right, and I was...the floor was almost covered in bleach, but Sadie wasn't in there. I walked outside to see if maybe he put her on the chain in the backyard, but she wasn't there. I called her name a couple times. I looked down in the basement, even, because I thought I had heard him closing the basement door before he left. Then I noticed her blanket was gone. So I thought maybe he had put it in the backseat and taken her to the vet for an emergency, she must have been really sick because there was such a mess on the floor. I started getting really worked up and was absolutely sobbing by the time I decided to go back to bed, which was around 6. I layed in bed for about 15 minutes before my Mom pulled in the driveway. I flew out of my bed and outside and when I got to the car window, I saw her crying. I got in with her and she said, "it's so sad..." and I asked her what she meant. She said, "Sadie died last night" and I started SCREAMING in the truck. She had to tell me to calm down because I almost made myself sick I was crying so hard. She showed me the note my dad had written her; it said something along the lines of "It's a sad day, Sadie passed away. I wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the shed, we'll have a funeral for her when I get home. Shit!" We walked into the house in a daze. That sounded so awful to me...that she was in the shed. But I know he just didn't want me to wake up and find her; he didn't want to just leave here there on the floor. I just stood there in the kitchen hugging my mom and crying so hard I couldn't breathe.
We sat in the living room for a while. I eventually stopped crying and tried to keep myself busy by finding some photo paper to print out a couple really nice pictures of her. Me and my mom were actually OK for an hour or so, but then we realized that my dad worked until 11 and it was only 7, and I will never forget how long those last 4 hours took before he came home. I have never witnessed time passing that slowly in my life. I was getting so tired. I was laying on the couch and my mom was in her chair, and I told her that when she went to pick him up I wanted to go with her, but she said if I fell asleep she wasn't going to wake me up. I ended up falling asleep, and I woke up when they got home. My dad came in and gave me a big hug and started crying, and said "that was the hardest friggen day of work I've ever had." We went outside and he started digging. I sat near him the entire time trying to make a daisy crown. I must have picked 50 daisies, and when I couldn't get them to stay, I ripped every last petal off of each one and ended up holding an overflowing handful of white petals that I threw on the ground when he placed her body in and made sure her blanket was wrapped around her comfortably. We lifted up the side of it and pet her head a little bit; it was really strange to pet her and have her head not move. We covered her up and went inside. We ate a little dinner that I really didn't have the appetite for, and then my dad went to bed for a while. My mom fell asleep on the living room floor, and I was alone with my thoughts for a little bit. When my dad got up, my mom got up too but was only up for an hour or so before she said she just needed to go to bed; she never slept when she got home from work that morning because she was so upset. My dad and I sat and watched TV for a few hours, then he went back up to bed and I watched SNL and wrote down all the things I wanted to tell her. I didn't cry...I felt OK. I went to bed without crying either, and fell right asleep.
This morning I woke up around 11 to my dad asking me if I wanted to go to Olean with them to get flowers for her grave. I got ready and we found 2 really beautiful plants; one for Sadie with really deep purple hanging flowers and some very appropriate pale orange gerber daisies for Creamsicle (Creamsicle was a little orange kitten my mom found --and named haha--in the driveway that died in her hands...never got to see her because I was at college when it happened, but I have the biggest heart ever when it come to animals so I thought it was really sweet of her. Creamsicle is buried right next to Forrest and Sadie.) When we got home we planted the flowers and I watered them and felt truly better for just a while. We had dinner, and that's when things got bad. It's always the things you take for granted that hurt the most. My dad used to take Sadie for a walk around the backyard every night after dinner. Evvvvery night. And tonight...I watched him do it all alone and it absolutely broke my heart. I just lost it. He is so sad about this. Amanda stopped by later on, and I had to tell her to just stick to my room because my dad was crying in the kitchen. I walked out there at one point and hugged him and he just started crying harder, which made ME cry harder. When he let go he said, "just when I think I'm doing alright it hits me again," to which I agreed because I feel exactly the same. He was a little better after that. I left for an hour or so with MG just to get my mind off things and got back just in time to say goodbye to Mom when she left for work. When my dad got home from dropping her off I talked to him for a few minutes, then we said our Iloveyou's and he went up to bed.
Which brings me to now, when I am once again alone with my own mind. I keep walking out into the kitchen expecting to see her smiling and wiggling around all happy in front of the mudroom door, and instead there's just an empty room. We didn't scrub the mudroom floor yet...there's still stains of the mess and the bleach. Her bowls are still full minus a handful out of the food bowl, her collar is resting on the arm of her chair. Leah was strange...when I opened the mudroom door at first on Saturday morning, she ran up to it and pressed herself against the bottom of it and started rolling around and rubbing her face on the floor by the doorstep. She keeps sitting in front of the door looking out there, wondering where her friend went. Although I get the feeling she knows, and it's just her own little kitty way of saying goodbye.
When we pulled in the driveway this afternoon from getting flowers, the single solitary thought in my head was that now I have no one to take long walks up the road with. I don't like going by myself, and even if I did, it wouldn't feel the same without a leash in my hand.
And as my dad was digging, all I could think was that I've seen him do this twice now..crying silently as he pushes the shovel in the dirt. Forrest and Sadie died on almost the exact same day of the year; Sadie was 5 days later...well, 2 years and 5 days. That's sort of strange. And the weather was exactly the same; almost rainy in the morning but sunny and happy for the remainder of the day. Sunshine seemed a little inappropriate but I'm glad we didn't have to bury her in the rain.
We already all agreed that we're not getting a new dog. There is just no replacing my Sadie Lou...ever.
I don't think I would even write this or get this upset about a HUMAN dying. I like animals more than people anyway, and that dog was like the love of my life. 13 years is a long time though, and she had a really good life. I just worry about my dad so much. He has had the worst turn of luck lately and Sadie was one of few things making it OK at the end of the day...and now he's just so lost without her. This house feels so different without her. I feel different without her. I miss her.
I've been writing this for 2 hours...I think I should go to bed now.
RIP puppy
I walked into the kitchen and smelled bleach, and figured maybe Sadie had made a mess and he had to clean it up which is why he was late, so I opened the mudroom door to see if I was right, and I was...the floor was almost covered in bleach, but Sadie wasn't in there. I walked outside to see if maybe he put her on the chain in the backyard, but she wasn't there. I called her name a couple times. I looked down in the basement, even, because I thought I had heard him closing the basement door before he left. Then I noticed her blanket was gone. So I thought maybe he had put it in the backseat and taken her to the vet for an emergency, she must have been really sick because there was such a mess on the floor. I started getting really worked up and was absolutely sobbing by the time I decided to go back to bed, which was around 6. I layed in bed for about 15 minutes before my Mom pulled in the driveway. I flew out of my bed and outside and when I got to the car window, I saw her crying. I got in with her and she said, "it's so sad..." and I asked her what she meant. She said, "Sadie died last night" and I started SCREAMING in the truck. She had to tell me to calm down because I almost made myself sick I was crying so hard. She showed me the note my dad had written her; it said something along the lines of "It's a sad day, Sadie passed away. I wrapped her in her blanket and put her in the shed, we'll have a funeral for her when I get home. Shit!" We walked into the house in a daze. That sounded so awful to me...that she was in the shed. But I know he just didn't want me to wake up and find her; he didn't want to just leave here there on the floor. I just stood there in the kitchen hugging my mom and crying so hard I couldn't breathe.
We sat in the living room for a while. I eventually stopped crying and tried to keep myself busy by finding some photo paper to print out a couple really nice pictures of her. Me and my mom were actually OK for an hour or so, but then we realized that my dad worked until 11 and it was only 7, and I will never forget how long those last 4 hours took before he came home. I have never witnessed time passing that slowly in my life. I was getting so tired. I was laying on the couch and my mom was in her chair, and I told her that when she went to pick him up I wanted to go with her, but she said if I fell asleep she wasn't going to wake me up. I ended up falling asleep, and I woke up when they got home. My dad came in and gave me a big hug and started crying, and said "that was the hardest friggen day of work I've ever had." We went outside and he started digging. I sat near him the entire time trying to make a daisy crown. I must have picked 50 daisies, and when I couldn't get them to stay, I ripped every last petal off of each one and ended up holding an overflowing handful of white petals that I threw on the ground when he placed her body in and made sure her blanket was wrapped around her comfortably. We lifted up the side of it and pet her head a little bit; it was really strange to pet her and have her head not move. We covered her up and went inside. We ate a little dinner that I really didn't have the appetite for, and then my dad went to bed for a while. My mom fell asleep on the living room floor, and I was alone with my thoughts for a little bit. When my dad got up, my mom got up too but was only up for an hour or so before she said she just needed to go to bed; she never slept when she got home from work that morning because she was so upset. My dad and I sat and watched TV for a few hours, then he went back up to bed and I watched SNL and wrote down all the things I wanted to tell her. I didn't cry...I felt OK. I went to bed without crying either, and fell right asleep.
This morning I woke up around 11 to my dad asking me if I wanted to go to Olean with them to get flowers for her grave. I got ready and we found 2 really beautiful plants; one for Sadie with really deep purple hanging flowers and some very appropriate pale orange gerber daisies for Creamsicle (Creamsicle was a little orange kitten my mom found --and named haha--in the driveway that died in her hands...never got to see her because I was at college when it happened, but I have the biggest heart ever when it come to animals so I thought it was really sweet of her. Creamsicle is buried right next to Forrest and Sadie.) When we got home we planted the flowers and I watered them and felt truly better for just a while. We had dinner, and that's when things got bad. It's always the things you take for granted that hurt the most. My dad used to take Sadie for a walk around the backyard every night after dinner. Evvvvery night. And tonight...I watched him do it all alone and it absolutely broke my heart. I just lost it. He is so sad about this. Amanda stopped by later on, and I had to tell her to just stick to my room because my dad was crying in the kitchen. I walked out there at one point and hugged him and he just started crying harder, which made ME cry harder. When he let go he said, "just when I think I'm doing alright it hits me again," to which I agreed because I feel exactly the same. He was a little better after that. I left for an hour or so with MG just to get my mind off things and got back just in time to say goodbye to Mom when she left for work. When my dad got home from dropping her off I talked to him for a few minutes, then we said our Iloveyou's and he went up to bed.
Which brings me to now, when I am once again alone with my own mind. I keep walking out into the kitchen expecting to see her smiling and wiggling around all happy in front of the mudroom door, and instead there's just an empty room. We didn't scrub the mudroom floor yet...there's still stains of the mess and the bleach. Her bowls are still full minus a handful out of the food bowl, her collar is resting on the arm of her chair. Leah was strange...when I opened the mudroom door at first on Saturday morning, she ran up to it and pressed herself against the bottom of it and started rolling around and rubbing her face on the floor by the doorstep. She keeps sitting in front of the door looking out there, wondering where her friend went. Although I get the feeling she knows, and it's just her own little kitty way of saying goodbye.
When we pulled in the driveway this afternoon from getting flowers, the single solitary thought in my head was that now I have no one to take long walks up the road with. I don't like going by myself, and even if I did, it wouldn't feel the same without a leash in my hand.
And as my dad was digging, all I could think was that I've seen him do this twice now..crying silently as he pushes the shovel in the dirt. Forrest and Sadie died on almost the exact same day of the year; Sadie was 5 days later...well, 2 years and 5 days. That's sort of strange. And the weather was exactly the same; almost rainy in the morning but sunny and happy for the remainder of the day. Sunshine seemed a little inappropriate but I'm glad we didn't have to bury her in the rain.
We already all agreed that we're not getting a new dog. There is just no replacing my Sadie Lou...ever.
I don't think I would even write this or get this upset about a HUMAN dying. I like animals more than people anyway, and that dog was like the love of my life. 13 years is a long time though, and she had a really good life. I just worry about my dad so much. He has had the worst turn of luck lately and Sadie was one of few things making it OK at the end of the day...and now he's just so lost without her. This house feels so different without her. I feel different without her. I miss her.
I've been writing this for 2 hours...I think I should go to bed now.
RIP puppy