(no subject)
Trying to remember what all I've been up to lately. Been to Boone a few times. Kale graduated! Did I already write about that? I don't think so. I went up for that and hung out and celebrated. I've been up a few times since then for Kale to fix my computer and then again last night to pick it up.
Mikey and Morgan graduated too and had a little party the next day at his house. Lori out did herself decorating and making food. It was lots of fun. Later that night a bunch of us went to Horsefeathers (eesh) but managed to have a really good time. It's fun to hang with old buddies every once in a while.
That same weekend Brandon's dog bit me on the leg. I'm still recovering from that. The bruising is finally all gone but the gash remains. I'm gonna have a nasty looking scar but oh well. Dogs are unpredictable. I'm now fighting the urge to be scared of dogs. Even when they just come up and sniff me, I'm scared that they're not going to like what the smell and bite me. Hopefully that feeling will go away. The next morning I got up to check my email and had a computer virus. Totally sucked but luckily Kale got a practical degree and he fixed it. The sound isn't working right now but even if I can't figure out what the deal is with that I am elated not to have to buy a new computer. Using the desktop was miserable.
I've been having some fun with friends lately. Amanda was home for a while before she went to Canada and will be home for most of June I think so that's good. I do more when she's around and it's nice spending time with people. Makes living here more tolerable.
I'm back on the applying-for-jobs circuit. Not as serious or dedicated to it as I'd like to be but shit, it's not fun and I'm to the point where I have no expectations of hearing anything back from anyone. After slaving over 50 cover letters and being rejected 50 times how much confidence am I supposed to have in myself? I'm still just really trying to build myself up to move somewhere and just get started there. It doesn't seem like I'm going to find anything anywhere ever so I might as well get a new start. I can work some job just like I'm doing right now but not be living at home. I never wanted to live at home again. I want to be an adult and live on my own and make it happen for myself. I know if I were forced to I could but I'm not right now. I'm too comfortable being comfortable. I've still got it in me to apply at Marquette but that can only work out for me if I am granted an assistantship, which is based on merit. I'm having a hard time thinking of what merits me deserving something like that. And I haven't gotten serious about studying for the GRE at all or writing my please-GOD-accept-me letter.
What's only making things worse right now is my current situation at Belk. I won't go into it much but I just feel like I am putting way too much in there for the shit that I get out. When I get paid at the end of two weeks my checks are laughable and I don't have anything left over after paying the few bills I have to save anything, which is the whole point of "right now" anyway.
And now, pardon this tangent. I wanted to put it under a cut but for some reason it isn't working.
Just a few thoughts:
I'm trying to get my head around the idea that the next job I have does not necessarily dictate my lifelong career or where I'm going to live or the people I'm going to know for the rest of my life. The things that I am involved in now are merely stepping stones, leading me wherever I'll end up. I have no plan and no idea for what I want for the rest of my life. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I can be and do and become anything I want. I get negative sometimes but I know that if I put myself in the environment where I'm really pushing myself and having to make it happen, I will. I have always seen myself and someone who can do anything I put my mind do. Feeling like a failure is foreign to me and I'm ready to really really really REALLY be proactive about my future and being happy.
If you look at the lives of lots and lots of people, even simple people like my parents, throughout their existence they have done more cool shit than it seems. Like, my mom went on a Canadian adventure when she was 17 with her older sisters and "fell in love" with a guy from Australia. She lived in Arizona monitoring migratory patterns of birds. She was in a terrible car accident when she was 27 (which is Adam's age) and went through years of rehab and recovery. And now she does what she does. My dad worked on the railroad right after he graduated from high school then traveled all over America playing softball and meeting Rush Limbaugh, Robin Williams and John Elway. He lived in Hawaii for some period of time. My mom met him in a bar in Hartford, Wi when he was home visiting. When he came back to NC she bought her first car and drove from Wisconsin to NC (via Nashville...) to come see him and ended up moving here to live with him. She was 22 years old.
I haven't done things anywhere near as cool as the shit they had done by the time they were my age. I went to college, got my degree, traveled some, made some great friends and now here I am. But what's next? I'll never know until I make something happen. Talking last night with Kaydee and Casey about the definition of success being different for everyone has really gotten my gears going. I don't know what success is to me. Is it a comfortable life in the suburbs of a moderately big city, bills paid, three weeks of vacation, dental insurance, husband and two kids to come home to? I'm not sure. That seems like a reasonable description. But maybe success can be defined as the journey taken to obtain all that. The decisions you've made along the way that have set your life on a different course. Having fun stories to tell your kids one day rather than having enough money in your bank to buy them everything they want. Maybe the house you live in is smaller and you don't have dental insurance and those vacations aren't to exotic locations and you still drive an 05 Carolla, but the bills are still paid and you're still happy. You have a story to tell. You took risks, seriously doubting whether the rewards would outweigh them. You ended up in places you never expected doing things you never thought you were capable of.
I swear, one day, I'm going to just do it. Just go somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever really feel "ready" for something like that. Uprooting my whole life and starting somewhere else, but is anyone? This blogger I follow said that today was the fifth anniversary of when she packed her bags and moved to NYC with $183 and enough money to cover her first month's rent. She's made a life for herself. Who's to say I can't do that? No one but me. Where there's a will, there's a way. I've got will, I just need to figure out the right way.
Mikey and Morgan graduated too and had a little party the next day at his house. Lori out did herself decorating and making food. It was lots of fun. Later that night a bunch of us went to Horsefeathers (eesh) but managed to have a really good time. It's fun to hang with old buddies every once in a while.
That same weekend Brandon's dog bit me on the leg. I'm still recovering from that. The bruising is finally all gone but the gash remains. I'm gonna have a nasty looking scar but oh well. Dogs are unpredictable. I'm now fighting the urge to be scared of dogs. Even when they just come up and sniff me, I'm scared that they're not going to like what the smell and bite me. Hopefully that feeling will go away. The next morning I got up to check my email and had a computer virus. Totally sucked but luckily Kale got a practical degree and he fixed it. The sound isn't working right now but even if I can't figure out what the deal is with that I am elated not to have to buy a new computer. Using the desktop was miserable.
I've been having some fun with friends lately. Amanda was home for a while before she went to Canada and will be home for most of June I think so that's good. I do more when she's around and it's nice spending time with people. Makes living here more tolerable.
I'm back on the applying-for-jobs circuit. Not as serious or dedicated to it as I'd like to be but shit, it's not fun and I'm to the point where I have no expectations of hearing anything back from anyone. After slaving over 50 cover letters and being rejected 50 times how much confidence am I supposed to have in myself? I'm still just really trying to build myself up to move somewhere and just get started there. It doesn't seem like I'm going to find anything anywhere ever so I might as well get a new start. I can work some job just like I'm doing right now but not be living at home. I never wanted to live at home again. I want to be an adult and live on my own and make it happen for myself. I know if I were forced to I could but I'm not right now. I'm too comfortable being comfortable. I've still got it in me to apply at Marquette but that can only work out for me if I am granted an assistantship, which is based on merit. I'm having a hard time thinking of what merits me deserving something like that. And I haven't gotten serious about studying for the GRE at all or writing my please-GOD-accept-me letter.
What's only making things worse right now is my current situation at Belk. I won't go into it much but I just feel like I am putting way too much in there for the shit that I get out. When I get paid at the end of two weeks my checks are laughable and I don't have anything left over after paying the few bills I have to save anything, which is the whole point of "right now" anyway.
And now, pardon this tangent. I wanted to put it under a cut but for some reason it isn't working.
Just a few thoughts:
I'm trying to get my head around the idea that the next job I have does not necessarily dictate my lifelong career or where I'm going to live or the people I'm going to know for the rest of my life. The things that I am involved in now are merely stepping stones, leading me wherever I'll end up. I have no plan and no idea for what I want for the rest of my life. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I can be and do and become anything I want. I get negative sometimes but I know that if I put myself in the environment where I'm really pushing myself and having to make it happen, I will. I have always seen myself and someone who can do anything I put my mind do. Feeling like a failure is foreign to me and I'm ready to really really really REALLY be proactive about my future and being happy.
If you look at the lives of lots and lots of people, even simple people like my parents, throughout their existence they have done more cool shit than it seems. Like, my mom went on a Canadian adventure when she was 17 with her older sisters and "fell in love" with a guy from Australia. She lived in Arizona monitoring migratory patterns of birds. She was in a terrible car accident when she was 27 (which is Adam's age) and went through years of rehab and recovery. And now she does what she does. My dad worked on the railroad right after he graduated from high school then traveled all over America playing softball and meeting Rush Limbaugh, Robin Williams and John Elway. He lived in Hawaii for some period of time. My mom met him in a bar in Hartford, Wi when he was home visiting. When he came back to NC she bought her first car and drove from Wisconsin to NC (via Nashville...) to come see him and ended up moving here to live with him. She was 22 years old.
I haven't done things anywhere near as cool as the shit they had done by the time they were my age. I went to college, got my degree, traveled some, made some great friends and now here I am. But what's next? I'll never know until I make something happen. Talking last night with Kaydee and Casey about the definition of success being different for everyone has really gotten my gears going. I don't know what success is to me. Is it a comfortable life in the suburbs of a moderately big city, bills paid, three weeks of vacation, dental insurance, husband and two kids to come home to? I'm not sure. That seems like a reasonable description. But maybe success can be defined as the journey taken to obtain all that. The decisions you've made along the way that have set your life on a different course. Having fun stories to tell your kids one day rather than having enough money in your bank to buy them everything they want. Maybe the house you live in is smaller and you don't have dental insurance and those vacations aren't to exotic locations and you still drive an 05 Carolla, but the bills are still paid and you're still happy. You have a story to tell. You took risks, seriously doubting whether the rewards would outweigh them. You ended up in places you never expected doing things you never thought you were capable of.
I swear, one day, I'm going to just do it. Just go somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever really feel "ready" for something like that. Uprooting my whole life and starting somewhere else, but is anyone? This blogger I follow said that today was the fifth anniversary of when she packed her bags and moved to NYC with $183 and enough money to cover her first month's rent. She's made a life for herself. Who's to say I can't do that? No one but me. Where there's a will, there's a way. I've got will, I just need to figure out the right way.