Notes from the morning's session.
Twenty minutes late to therapy again this week, on account of a long night. Yesterday I'd wanted to get some headphones from a local electronics store, but the outing proved fruitless - leaving me with two hours' lost and a sense of having wasted the day, on account of that. As consequence, I stayed up almost until two to get the feeling of having done something. I'm starting to learn about how I need to portion out time and manage it, and how not to get frustrated at myself for having poor days of it. Even days I'm not going to work or doing chores and errands I still want to be out doing things.
I would've felt better if I'd come back with headphones, and in retrospect I should've looked at more than one pair - I was still frustrated with the process of what I had to go through to get there to try them on, and being there, and having to search for a particular kind of headphone that's already hard to come by to begin with. What I'd have liked to do is replace my broken headphones with a new pair, but that was discontinued by the manufacturing company. I realized yesterday, as I told my therapist today, for a lot of things I have a very clear, specific idea of what that thing is and what it would do and look like, and because I have such a good idea of what I'm looking for, I get frustrated and angry when I can't find exactly that. Dresses, sandals, headphones, shoes - all have their own specifications. And if something doesn't meet those, I dismiss it immediately. The frustration comes in both when I can't find what I'm looking for because it seems to not exist, and because I know I can't just get something else that is close but not exact because that just wouldn't work. It's simultaneously an inability to communicate with the rest of the world, and the acceptance that I'm too picky and selective and fussy for my own good and should figure out how to tough it out and accept these things under protest.
I'm getting better at dismissing the second part for the nonsense that it is, ingrained or otherwise - this isn't a kidney transplant, this is a pair of headphones, or sandals, or whatever. It's a struggle.
We also talked about my frustrations towards Boolean searches not being an option for some online retailers and the people I work with, and how it felt to have someone in my apartment last week. Not too bad. And next week, I'll try to get to bed earlier.
I would've felt better if I'd come back with headphones, and in retrospect I should've looked at more than one pair - I was still frustrated with the process of what I had to go through to get there to try them on, and being there, and having to search for a particular kind of headphone that's already hard to come by to begin with. What I'd have liked to do is replace my broken headphones with a new pair, but that was discontinued by the manufacturing company. I realized yesterday, as I told my therapist today, for a lot of things I have a very clear, specific idea of what that thing is and what it would do and look like, and because I have such a good idea of what I'm looking for, I get frustrated and angry when I can't find exactly that. Dresses, sandals, headphones, shoes - all have their own specifications. And if something doesn't meet those, I dismiss it immediately. The frustration comes in both when I can't find what I'm looking for because it seems to not exist, and because I know I can't just get something else that is close but not exact because that just wouldn't work. It's simultaneously an inability to communicate with the rest of the world, and the acceptance that I'm too picky and selective and fussy for my own good and should figure out how to tough it out and accept these things under protest.
I'm getting better at dismissing the second part for the nonsense that it is, ingrained or otherwise - this isn't a kidney transplant, this is a pair of headphones, or sandals, or whatever. It's a struggle.
We also talked about my frustrations towards Boolean searches not being an option for some online retailers and the people I work with, and how it felt to have someone in my apartment last week. Not too bad. And next week, I'll try to get to bed earlier.