I have never needed to jore so badly.
And yet of course its while I still don't have the time...
So much has happened and yet so much has not happened. I feel like I keep blaming my disconnection and my feeling of solitude on my business and just the general drainage that having a french exchange student has created, but I know its more than that.
Lets see, backtrack. I don't know when I last wrote. Last weekend was JLW, which was an interesting experience. yours truly spent the beginning depressed and isolated. I hung out mostly with emma and coops, which was good in that they both felt the same way, but bad in that i certainly wasn't bonding to my full potential. think the three of us, having dinner in a corner at our own table because we were late to dinner. But there was also good times, like running around the campfire with ame genuinely, for once, REALLY EXCITED to see the faces of all the people in my class that i loved. and there was endless street hockey with everyone - talking to people even like abby who i have never connected with as we shared the goalie position (and let every ball in!), and fun games of basketball with friends and somewhat friends who also couldn't play. and so it was an interesting mix of nostalgia (everyone singing piano man while andrew smith played the piano and hannah almost cried because it seemed forced, and reminded her of mcs and how natural it would have been there) and happiness at realizing even with the differences, i could still be happy with milton, and end up having a genuinely good time. Set games and the pulse game and "guess the stencil"... i have no complaints. thanks to coops emma tom amy ju andrew greg for making me realize that i could enjoy myself.
then I was home to meet sarah, my french exchange student. She is SO awesome. i mean honestly, i am sooo lucky. She is so positive and talkative and nice and cute and funny and honest - i have been more than lucky to have gotten her as my student. HOWEVER! This past week has also been the most draining week I could possibly imagine. Its sort of like having a younger sister... not only do you have to entertain, babysit, and be responsible for this person, but you also have to translate everything slowly due to the whole language barrier thing, and u have to deal with the drama and the fights between the french girls... its just like SO much. But the biggest problem is that I stay up every night talking to her because she's so damn AWESOME, and then i don't start my homework until late! and then i feel guilty for having to do work all the time cause i really would LOVE to be able to just take her to boston, parties, whatever all the time... and seeing them just makes me realize how pathetic our social lives must seem. But, at the same time, as i was talking to ju and ame about... i'm GLAD we have had these restrictions, because unlike juliette (megan's girl) we don't need weed, alch, and cigs to have a good time. we've learned how to enjoy ourselves bowling in boston, and chilling in the snackbar, and lying in bed talking with chill music in the background.
But no matter. paris will be the shit, and sarah is happy, and that's all that matters. and roxanne managed to get herself from the SSP back to milton academy all by her little non-english speaking self... and who the fuck knows how. guess they've learned something in their crazy lifestyle anyway, even if they do drink the beer of the sketchy bucket playing men on the street and bitch about each other 24/7.
lol.
and to sum up my ish with friends, here is a convo with coops... that says it all.
Coops77: mmmmmmm dinner yes!
Auto response from Binky222: It is sunny and gorgeous just so that I can hate sitting inside doing work and then going to gratwick concert and being bored inside there... sweet.
ps who wants to come to dinner tonight - chill and nice and relaxing to psyche us up for another week of the hell hole?
Coops77: yo!
Binky222: hey ho
Binky222: yay you were here right when i needed a homework break
Coops77: what's teh deeeeeeeealio with diiiinerrrrrrrr
Coops77: hhaa..it's me job
Binky222: i dunno i just want it to be like a kinda small group (aka if 23 people try to come i refuse to go)
Binky222: and just relaxing and fun and nice and peaceful
Binky222: can u tell my brain is shot? haha
Coops77: ahhhhhh peaceful yes
Coops77: where? how about newton?
Coops77: YES!
Coops77: I feel really bad for you man
Coops77: I mean I can't even think about having that many people all up in my space
Coops77: I'd flip a shit
Coops77: was last night fun?
Binky222: hahah yea its been quite the draining weekend... but yea it was fun last night
Binky222: ya know
Binky222: tiring but good
Coops77: for sure
Binky222: how was seeing the mountainers?
Coops77: good...really good
Coops77: I don't know...I've been very distant recently
Coops77: wow.....you really need to update your jore
Binky222: \i was JUST reading yours and thinking how much i want to but also how much homework i have... i think i will do a quick entry in a few minutes
Binky222: how do you think you've been distant? do u mean with mountainers or with milton people
Coops77: yes....mmmmmm everyone
Coops77: parents, friends, mountainers, miltoners,
Binky222: by choice or by like unconscious separation
Coops77: bah! I don't know...both? Unfullfillment is the word perhaps...something is missing
Binky222: i feel the same way, although its easier to ignore it now and pretend that its just because i'm so "busy" with frenchies
Coops77: do you think maybe it is just that?
Binky222: not really
Binky222: maybe
Binky222: i don't know
Coops77: how do you feel it manifesting itself?
Coops77: ??
Binky222: hmm. put it this way. friday night, when everyone had left my house except julia and amy, the three of us were just lying on my bed listening to REALLY CHILL music, half asleep, just talking about all this stuff that we hadn't had the chance to talk about... you know what i'm talking about obviously, one of those amazing conversations that you could stay in forever... and i just realized that i missed having this with all my friends, that there's never time or motivation to let yourself get into those moods or situations - and then when u do, ur immediately shot out of it by some requirement or activity - just as we finalyl had to get our asses out of bed to go to the frenchie potluck dinner... it just never ends
Coops77: I definitely see...it's the inherant problem with milton
Coops77: alwaaaaaaysss
Binky222: like with you, i consider you one of my best friends now, but i feel like we don't get enough one-on-one talk time, no one does, cause we're all so crazy that our "retreat" is a corner in the library where no real conversation can happen anyway because we're worried about students or librarians tellign us to shut up and we have work and our next class constantly weighing over our head
Coops77: seriously...I feel the same way...that was part of my jore entry...about how i'd really like to know these people that I hang out with better
Coops77: how i'd like to always feel comfortable with them
Coops77: ahhhh!
Coops77: I was talking to Tom in the car last night and it was SO good
Coops77: and comfortable
Coops77: because we always end up driving home together at night after a long day of socializing and we just started talking about shit and he was so accpeting and caring and I felt like I was the same way towards him
Coops77: and it was just genuine
Binky222: but what does it take to reach that level? there has to be a way other than the fact that u spent a semester with him, or that he's been like one of my best guy friends for so long...
Coops77: and at the end (after Iw as like "I'm gonna rip a fart in like two seconds" and he was like "go for it" and did hehe) I was like "I love you". And he siad "I love you too" and we hugged and it was REAL.
Coops77: I don't know what it takes
Coops77: I feel like it's some kind of ability to become exposed
Coops77: prime examples-Jon Simpson, and Burmon (and Greggy too). They have a complete inability to expose themselves
Coops77: and if you ever tried to expose something about yourself to them they wouldn't know how to fucking deal
Coops77: they'd either make some sarcastic comment or get awkward or try to think of a practical solution
Coops77: maybe it's a lack of empathy or something
Binky222: exactly. i don't think its lack of empathy though... i almost feel like they've never had that
Coops77: never had what?
Binky222: i mean seriously who do yo uthink the last person was who greg exposed himself 100% to
Binky222: or andrew
Binky222: or simpson
Coops77: parents
Coops77: possibly
Coops77: maybe never
Binky222: they've based their antisocial guy friendships on that sort of goofiness and lightheartedness and separation from that closeness that we crave
Coops77: but I wonder....
Binky222: maybe andrew and parents but i definitely don't think greg or simpson has that
Coops77: I wonder if they actually have it with each other
Coops77: and we just don't know that
Binky222: its quite possible
Coops77: and that's why they cling so closely to each other
Coops77: but do we do that too?
Coops77: do we have an inability to open ourselves up to them for fear that they will shoot us down, or not get it, or do any of those things that I said before?
Coops77: I mean are we just as bad as them?
Binky222: i am
Coops77: yeah?
Binky222: i need to know that it will be okay - which is why i am totally open with amy and julia.... whereas i don't know how to like cross that line with the guys, or with other girl friends
Binky222: i never find myself in a situation where that would be appropriate i guess
Binky222: i mean i am never lying in bed with andrew and greg listening to chill music knowing that anything that goes through their minds is gunna be said aloud
Coops77: haha......yes
Binky222: i'm usually playing laser tag or watching ali g
Coops77: exactly....oh fucking ali g
Binky222: which isn't exactly helping the wanting of something "real"
Coops77: serious
Coops77: but then there's the whole LOADED sexual tension thing
Binky222: yeaaaah
Coops77: where if you or I or amy or julia or whatever wereon a bed with andrew and greg listening to music
Coops77: it wouldn't be like friends expose 100%
Binky222: it would be like how to be akward 101
Coops77: there would definitely be sexual tension
Coops77: haha yes
Coops77: I am the fucking GOD of that course
Binky222: oh hell yea
Binky222: i feel like
Binky222: we need to all live with each other for a week
Binky222: without showering
Binky222: and then we will be sexual tension free
Coops77: yes!
Coops77: I'm like fucking beyond the whole "I wanna get with you" thing I think...frankly, I just can't see myself in a relationship right now because I have too much other SHIT that I need to work out with myself (whole other conversation) and I'm to the point where really I'd just like to be their friend. honestly. FRIEND. True, good, open, respectful, loyal, loving friend.
Coops77: And fuck it...I'd like that back
Binky222: see, but that's at least healthy... i feel like even i am so caught up in the whole sexual tension thing that its impossible for me to get over that
Coops77: yes yes
Binky222: like, yes, i want their friendship - so much i can't even express... but i still happen to be extremely attracted (both physically and otherwise) to the majority of them
Coops77: there is that
Binky222: it poses problems
Coops77: I know I know...I honestly feel the same way....it's just that when I feel that I get grossed out wiht myself and am like "ewwww no, you're not ready, You need to be more secure first, don't let yourself fall into that, you're going to get your heart broken"
Coops77: and all of that is very true
Coops77: and has proven so repeatedly
Binky222: yeahh secureness would also be a nice aspect to have
Coops77: haha riiiiiiight about that
Coops77: I feel like if I went to a Buddhist retreat for 3 months, ran every day for 5 months, never ate pizza or icecream again, backpacked in NewZealand for 7 months, and spent two weeks near the equator I'd be ready to kiss one of our friends.
Binky222: hahahahahahahahahahaha ahh that's awesome
Coops77: unfortunately it's also true
Binky222: i know.
Binky222: i feel like for me i just need that friendship closeness to be ready.
Binky222: but once again i dont know how to get that.
Binky222: so WOW we move in circles!
Binky222: sweet.
Coops77: AHHH FULL CIRCLE
Coops77: haha
Coops77: YUCk
Coops77: I honestly feel like I need to sit everyone down in a room and be like "Ok, here's the deal. Here's the game plan. Let's go get 'em team It's time to be friends!"
Binky222: and then break up into a buddy system
Coops77: I guess it's all perpetuated by the fact that everything is speedding up
Binky222: and not do the whole "friendship thing" as a 10 person group
Coops77: with college
Coops77: and spring coming
Binky222: ahh
Coops77: I know it needs to be broken down
Binky222: hey i gotta go shower and get in chapel dress (fuck me) for a required gratwick fucker concert where i sit still and listen to classical music and let my mind wander for 2 hours
Binky222: could i possibly put this conversation in my jore
Binky222: or would u prefer not
Binky222: or i could do it friends only
Coops77: yeah go for it
Coops77: I don't mind at all
Binky222: sweet. arite i love you but i must go put on nice clothing.
Binky222: so that i can present myself well to the alums
arite i'm off to gratwick concert... its required cause i sing... and that is life. love you all.
ps who actually reads this!?
love love love, hannah
So much has happened and yet so much has not happened. I feel like I keep blaming my disconnection and my feeling of solitude on my business and just the general drainage that having a french exchange student has created, but I know its more than that.
Lets see, backtrack. I don't know when I last wrote. Last weekend was JLW, which was an interesting experience. yours truly spent the beginning depressed and isolated. I hung out mostly with emma and coops, which was good in that they both felt the same way, but bad in that i certainly wasn't bonding to my full potential. think the three of us, having dinner in a corner at our own table because we were late to dinner. But there was also good times, like running around the campfire with ame genuinely, for once, REALLY EXCITED to see the faces of all the people in my class that i loved. and there was endless street hockey with everyone - talking to people even like abby who i have never connected with as we shared the goalie position (and let every ball in!), and fun games of basketball with friends and somewhat friends who also couldn't play. and so it was an interesting mix of nostalgia (everyone singing piano man while andrew smith played the piano and hannah almost cried because it seemed forced, and reminded her of mcs and how natural it would have been there) and happiness at realizing even with the differences, i could still be happy with milton, and end up having a genuinely good time. Set games and the pulse game and "guess the stencil"... i have no complaints. thanks to coops emma tom amy ju andrew greg for making me realize that i could enjoy myself.
then I was home to meet sarah, my french exchange student. She is SO awesome. i mean honestly, i am sooo lucky. She is so positive and talkative and nice and cute and funny and honest - i have been more than lucky to have gotten her as my student. HOWEVER! This past week has also been the most draining week I could possibly imagine. Its sort of like having a younger sister... not only do you have to entertain, babysit, and be responsible for this person, but you also have to translate everything slowly due to the whole language barrier thing, and u have to deal with the drama and the fights between the french girls... its just like SO much. But the biggest problem is that I stay up every night talking to her because she's so damn AWESOME, and then i don't start my homework until late! and then i feel guilty for having to do work all the time cause i really would LOVE to be able to just take her to boston, parties, whatever all the time... and seeing them just makes me realize how pathetic our social lives must seem. But, at the same time, as i was talking to ju and ame about... i'm GLAD we have had these restrictions, because unlike juliette (megan's girl) we don't need weed, alch, and cigs to have a good time. we've learned how to enjoy ourselves bowling in boston, and chilling in the snackbar, and lying in bed talking with chill music in the background.
But no matter. paris will be the shit, and sarah is happy, and that's all that matters. and roxanne managed to get herself from the SSP back to milton academy all by her little non-english speaking self... and who the fuck knows how. guess they've learned something in their crazy lifestyle anyway, even if they do drink the beer of the sketchy bucket playing men on the street and bitch about each other 24/7.
lol.
and to sum up my ish with friends, here is a convo with coops... that says it all.
Coops77: mmmmmmm dinner yes!
Auto response from Binky222: It is sunny and gorgeous just so that I can hate sitting inside doing work and then going to gratwick concert and being bored inside there... sweet.
ps who wants to come to dinner tonight - chill and nice and relaxing to psyche us up for another week of the hell hole?
Coops77: yo!
Binky222: hey ho
Binky222: yay you were here right when i needed a homework break
Coops77: what's teh deeeeeeeealio with diiiinerrrrrrrr
Coops77: hhaa..it's me job
Binky222: i dunno i just want it to be like a kinda small group (aka if 23 people try to come i refuse to go)
Binky222: and just relaxing and fun and nice and peaceful
Binky222: can u tell my brain is shot? haha
Coops77: ahhhhhh peaceful yes
Coops77: where? how about newton?
Coops77: YES!
Coops77: I feel really bad for you man
Coops77: I mean I can't even think about having that many people all up in my space
Coops77: I'd flip a shit
Coops77: was last night fun?
Binky222: hahah yea its been quite the draining weekend... but yea it was fun last night
Binky222: ya know
Binky222: tiring but good
Coops77: for sure
Binky222: how was seeing the mountainers?
Coops77: good...really good
Coops77: I don't know...I've been very distant recently
Coops77: wow.....you really need to update your jore
Binky222: \i was JUST reading yours and thinking how much i want to but also how much homework i have... i think i will do a quick entry in a few minutes
Binky222: how do you think you've been distant? do u mean with mountainers or with milton people
Coops77: yes....mmmmmm everyone
Coops77: parents, friends, mountainers, miltoners,
Binky222: by choice or by like unconscious separation
Coops77: bah! I don't know...both? Unfullfillment is the word perhaps...something is missing
Binky222: i feel the same way, although its easier to ignore it now and pretend that its just because i'm so "busy" with frenchies
Coops77: do you think maybe it is just that?
Binky222: not really
Binky222: maybe
Binky222: i don't know
Coops77: how do you feel it manifesting itself?
Coops77: ??
Binky222: hmm. put it this way. friday night, when everyone had left my house except julia and amy, the three of us were just lying on my bed listening to REALLY CHILL music, half asleep, just talking about all this stuff that we hadn't had the chance to talk about... you know what i'm talking about obviously, one of those amazing conversations that you could stay in forever... and i just realized that i missed having this with all my friends, that there's never time or motivation to let yourself get into those moods or situations - and then when u do, ur immediately shot out of it by some requirement or activity - just as we finalyl had to get our asses out of bed to go to the frenchie potluck dinner... it just never ends
Coops77: I definitely see...it's the inherant problem with milton
Coops77: alwaaaaaaysss
Binky222: like with you, i consider you one of my best friends now, but i feel like we don't get enough one-on-one talk time, no one does, cause we're all so crazy that our "retreat" is a corner in the library where no real conversation can happen anyway because we're worried about students or librarians tellign us to shut up and we have work and our next class constantly weighing over our head
Coops77: seriously...I feel the same way...that was part of my jore entry...about how i'd really like to know these people that I hang out with better
Coops77: how i'd like to always feel comfortable with them
Coops77: ahhhh!
Coops77: I was talking to Tom in the car last night and it was SO good
Coops77: and comfortable
Coops77: because we always end up driving home together at night after a long day of socializing and we just started talking about shit and he was so accpeting and caring and I felt like I was the same way towards him
Coops77: and it was just genuine
Binky222: but what does it take to reach that level? there has to be a way other than the fact that u spent a semester with him, or that he's been like one of my best guy friends for so long...
Coops77: and at the end (after Iw as like "I'm gonna rip a fart in like two seconds" and he was like "go for it" and did hehe) I was like "I love you". And he siad "I love you too" and we hugged and it was REAL.
Coops77: I don't know what it takes
Coops77: I feel like it's some kind of ability to become exposed
Coops77: prime examples-Jon Simpson, and Burmon (and Greggy too). They have a complete inability to expose themselves
Coops77: and if you ever tried to expose something about yourself to them they wouldn't know how to fucking deal
Coops77: they'd either make some sarcastic comment or get awkward or try to think of a practical solution
Coops77: maybe it's a lack of empathy or something
Binky222: exactly. i don't think its lack of empathy though... i almost feel like they've never had that
Coops77: never had what?
Binky222: i mean seriously who do yo uthink the last person was who greg exposed himself 100% to
Binky222: or andrew
Binky222: or simpson
Coops77: parents
Coops77: possibly
Coops77: maybe never
Binky222: they've based their antisocial guy friendships on that sort of goofiness and lightheartedness and separation from that closeness that we crave
Coops77: but I wonder....
Binky222: maybe andrew and parents but i definitely don't think greg or simpson has that
Coops77: I wonder if they actually have it with each other
Coops77: and we just don't know that
Binky222: its quite possible
Coops77: and that's why they cling so closely to each other
Coops77: but do we do that too?
Coops77: do we have an inability to open ourselves up to them for fear that they will shoot us down, or not get it, or do any of those things that I said before?
Coops77: I mean are we just as bad as them?
Binky222: i am
Coops77: yeah?
Binky222: i need to know that it will be okay - which is why i am totally open with amy and julia.... whereas i don't know how to like cross that line with the guys, or with other girl friends
Binky222: i never find myself in a situation where that would be appropriate i guess
Binky222: i mean i am never lying in bed with andrew and greg listening to chill music knowing that anything that goes through their minds is gunna be said aloud
Coops77: haha......yes
Binky222: i'm usually playing laser tag or watching ali g
Coops77: exactly....oh fucking ali g
Binky222: which isn't exactly helping the wanting of something "real"
Coops77: serious
Coops77: but then there's the whole LOADED sexual tension thing
Binky222: yeaaaah
Coops77: where if you or I or amy or julia or whatever wereon a bed with andrew and greg listening to music
Coops77: it wouldn't be like friends expose 100%
Binky222: it would be like how to be akward 101
Coops77: there would definitely be sexual tension
Coops77: haha yes
Coops77: I am the fucking GOD of that course
Binky222: oh hell yea
Binky222: i feel like
Binky222: we need to all live with each other for a week
Binky222: without showering
Binky222: and then we will be sexual tension free
Coops77: yes!
Coops77: I'm like fucking beyond the whole "I wanna get with you" thing I think...frankly, I just can't see myself in a relationship right now because I have too much other SHIT that I need to work out with myself (whole other conversation) and I'm to the point where really I'd just like to be their friend. honestly. FRIEND. True, good, open, respectful, loyal, loving friend.
Coops77: And fuck it...I'd like that back
Binky222: see, but that's at least healthy... i feel like even i am so caught up in the whole sexual tension thing that its impossible for me to get over that
Coops77: yes yes
Binky222: like, yes, i want their friendship - so much i can't even express... but i still happen to be extremely attracted (both physically and otherwise) to the majority of them
Coops77: there is that
Binky222: it poses problems
Coops77: I know I know...I honestly feel the same way....it's just that when I feel that I get grossed out wiht myself and am like "ewwww no, you're not ready, You need to be more secure first, don't let yourself fall into that, you're going to get your heart broken"
Coops77: and all of that is very true
Coops77: and has proven so repeatedly
Binky222: yeahh secureness would also be a nice aspect to have
Coops77: haha riiiiiiight about that
Coops77: I feel like if I went to a Buddhist retreat for 3 months, ran every day for 5 months, never ate pizza or icecream again, backpacked in NewZealand for 7 months, and spent two weeks near the equator I'd be ready to kiss one of our friends.
Binky222: hahahahahahahahahahaha ahh that's awesome
Coops77: unfortunately it's also true
Binky222: i know.
Binky222: i feel like for me i just need that friendship closeness to be ready.
Binky222: but once again i dont know how to get that.
Binky222: so WOW we move in circles!
Binky222: sweet.
Coops77: AHHH FULL CIRCLE
Coops77: haha
Coops77: YUCk
Coops77: I honestly feel like I need to sit everyone down in a room and be like "Ok, here's the deal. Here's the game plan. Let's go get 'em team It's time to be friends!"
Binky222: and then break up into a buddy system
Coops77: I guess it's all perpetuated by the fact that everything is speedding up
Binky222: and not do the whole "friendship thing" as a 10 person group
Coops77: with college
Coops77: and spring coming
Binky222: ahh
Coops77: I know it needs to be broken down
Binky222: hey i gotta go shower and get in chapel dress (fuck me) for a required gratwick fucker concert where i sit still and listen to classical music and let my mind wander for 2 hours
Binky222: could i possibly put this conversation in my jore
Binky222: or would u prefer not
Binky222: or i could do it friends only
Coops77: yeah go for it
Coops77: I don't mind at all
Binky222: sweet. arite i love you but i must go put on nice clothing.
Binky222: so that i can present myself well to the alums
arite i'm off to gratwick concert... its required cause i sing... and that is life. love you all.
ps who actually reads this!?
love love love, hannah