absence makes the heart grow...
I feel weird. I woke up at 8 this morning on another foggy cape day. I dreamed that the world was ending. I NEVER remember my dreams, so when I do its a big deal, and this time it was particularly strange. Like, even though everyone was going to die and everything anyone had ever done was going to be demolished, everyone was really really happy and caring and... and all these stores were giving away all their stuff and people were taking stuff they never could have bought even though they wouldn't have time to use it... and we lived on this one island and there was another island that they had decided to just prematurely burn to the ground, and you could see everyone still playing around and having fun and all of our friends were together and happy and we just loved each other so much.
My point is. I've been reading scott and amy's jores and they're very sentimental about the past and how things were and its very, very touching. And sometimes I feel like they do, I feel like all I want is that 6th grade playground or me and Ilana Sclar's secret "Ilnah" thing - we had our own language, our own lunch, our own codes... or my family boating overnight trips or my 8th grade ENORMOUS crush on Jeff Marr (okay maybe that was 7th grade, too).
The thing is that I feel like... so much of my past isn't part of me now. (i know, i'm a dork and i always think dreams reflect on your real life but take it or leave it, its how i think) No, the world isn't ENDING - but school is starting and i've never been dreading it more in my life. What happened to my classic optimism about every new school year? It's hard because i'm just so incredibly unsure about what its going to be like. Minus like 4 days with amy and 3 days with anna and maybe 3 days with julia 1 with lauren and about an hour with coops, i have literally not hung out with any friends who are girls since france. I miss hanging out with girls. It's much more dynamic. But I feel like my comfort level with boys is so much higher because it IS true that so much has changed in my life and the lives of my girl friends that its weird. my mom and I were talking about how i never hang out with deirdre even though she lives next door, whereas my brother hangs out like every day with benedict pretty much ONLY because he lives next door and that's all that matters.
Yes, I miss my crazy appearance obsessed self of freshman year, but I'm fucking glad I got over that. I hate friends i've lost since then. I don't mean I hate them, I mean I hate i lost them. I was so close with all those random people who i hardly ever talk to anymore - think anything from tom myers to jon brestoff (joe b) to fucking chachi. I feel like I shut myself off then, but maybe I'm shutting myself off just as much now?
In any case, i'm NOT ready for school. I'm not mentally prepared for the people the classes the college apps the grades the work the SATs the friends the social disasters the neverending "clique" phenomenon... I'm not even ready for registration. I'm counting on y'all and your excitement (even if its mixed with a little dread) to get me back to feeling good about this whole deal. yeah.
its once again one of my top 5 faults (ranked by me) kicking in. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but i've always been the opposite. when i'm away from people or things, i always think about the WORST parts and its not until i get to see them and spend time with them that i realize i forgot all the reasons why i loved them. so i'm just gunna hold on.
My point is. I've been reading scott and amy's jores and they're very sentimental about the past and how things were and its very, very touching. And sometimes I feel like they do, I feel like all I want is that 6th grade playground or me and Ilana Sclar's secret "Ilnah" thing - we had our own language, our own lunch, our own codes... or my family boating overnight trips or my 8th grade ENORMOUS crush on Jeff Marr (okay maybe that was 7th grade, too).
The thing is that I feel like... so much of my past isn't part of me now. (i know, i'm a dork and i always think dreams reflect on your real life but take it or leave it, its how i think) No, the world isn't ENDING - but school is starting and i've never been dreading it more in my life. What happened to my classic optimism about every new school year? It's hard because i'm just so incredibly unsure about what its going to be like. Minus like 4 days with amy and 3 days with anna and maybe 3 days with julia 1 with lauren and about an hour with coops, i have literally not hung out with any friends who are girls since france. I miss hanging out with girls. It's much more dynamic. But I feel like my comfort level with boys is so much higher because it IS true that so much has changed in my life and the lives of my girl friends that its weird. my mom and I were talking about how i never hang out with deirdre even though she lives next door, whereas my brother hangs out like every day with benedict pretty much ONLY because he lives next door and that's all that matters.
Yes, I miss my crazy appearance obsessed self of freshman year, but I'm fucking glad I got over that. I hate friends i've lost since then. I don't mean I hate them, I mean I hate i lost them. I was so close with all those random people who i hardly ever talk to anymore - think anything from tom myers to jon brestoff (joe b) to fucking chachi. I feel like I shut myself off then, but maybe I'm shutting myself off just as much now?
In any case, i'm NOT ready for school. I'm not mentally prepared for the people the classes the college apps the grades the work the SATs the friends the social disasters the neverending "clique" phenomenon... I'm not even ready for registration. I'm counting on y'all and your excitement (even if its mixed with a little dread) to get me back to feeling good about this whole deal. yeah.
its once again one of my top 5 faults (ranked by me) kicking in. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but i've always been the opposite. when i'm away from people or things, i always think about the WORST parts and its not until i get to see them and spend time with them that i realize i forgot all the reasons why i loved them. so i'm just gunna hold on.