(no subject)
man i have never been this depressed in my life. i'm soo utterly sick of myself, i'm listening to she's lost control by joy division over and over agian. its my fucking life story men. i hate being this messed in the head all the time. where did everyone in my life go? what happened to me? i don't even recognize me own reflection anymore. i can't stop thinking of moving traffic on bridges. i can't stop thinking of lost dreams and things that i could have had, and women that i could have had, and how fucking confuzed i am about my sexuality. i can't stop thinking about my dad and how proud he was of me that one day before cadets, mind you i only did it for him. i only stood there in line, shined my boots, went to fly school for 8 hours every sunday, took orders all for him so he could be somewhat proud. for four godamn years i learned to be obediant and for what? i wasted some valuable years to do what i thought was best for me and now i'm left feeling empty and confused. i'm going crazy slowly. i'm going crazy over some girl who didn't even know my true feelings about her existed, so she says. she wants me to know how special iam and that i should hold my head up high or some bull shit, she wrote it in a letter. i feel as though she only wrote that letter so she could feel some sort of release, it sure as hell didn't make me feel any better. it made laugh at how ridiculas and insulting it was, she thinks just becuase she is 4.5 years older than i that she can be all full of wisdom towards me. i have friends and mentors 2 times my age for that. i wish i hadn't read that stupid piece of paper. in the end i threw it out after i read it to my good friend cara. after that letter i felt smaller somehow. god and all i can think about is the smell of her yellow hair and how we would cuddle all nite long. it wasn't only one time either i should let you know, it lasted for a month and a half, and then one morning she started to pick on me, calling me whimpy, and laughing at the fact that i want to save some trees and carriboo because i smoke ciggies. after she left without saying goodbye i went straight for the wine and then for some beers and then i went out and drank more, the binge lasted for a week and a half. i never used to have such a huge problem like that, i guess i was in love or something, because even when we would hang out before that morning i would feel constantly sick to my stomache and full of adrenaline and anxiety. now i'm listening to the man who sold the world. i sat on the floor for an hour today going over my pathetic life pondering what to do next. what do i do? no one has the answere but me, hannah jean...... i used to think that i was genuine, honest, cheerful. but am i realy? i have proven myself wrong already, and i'm only 20. how do i get back up there with all the good ppl in my life that i believe in almost as much as i did myself? my friends' mother saw a man put his head underneathe the wheel of a bus and watched him get creamed (literally), i wonder where he was in his life a month before that? probably happy sleeping next to a beautiful yellow haired girl. a good friend once told me that you have to experience the pain in life before you are able to feel the good things in life. is that even true? my friend C has had a good life from my understanding since she was born. a well off family, a hippie dyke mother, good life long friends, has never been able to feel discomfort unless she creates it herself. what does that mean? meh, well i actually feel bad to say but i'm glad i was able to feel discomfort throughout my childhood, an alcoholic/drug addict suicidle mother, a hardass hard loven' dad, mean yet understanding siblings, i don't even know why i'm writing this. but it is that that has shaped me over the years, but now i feel broken. like a china doll with a missing arm and a cracked face. i wish i could be understood but i don't even understand myself. i'm wasting my talent everyday, talent that someone would love to have. i'm not concieded hopefully by saying this. i'm actually a very insecure person, i lack courage and i think that's why i..... never mind. i just miss her, i miss being happy, i miss being held.