Minion Disposal (and other notes)
Note: Inspired by Retail Hell. I forget how I got stuck with the problem, only how I got rid of it, and the feeling of accomplishment that followed.
Any Evil Overlord worth her smite will hire only top-quality minions to do her bidding. Sometimes, though, despite extra vigilance, a dud will slip through the cracks. When this happens it is best to dispose of the minion as quickly and painlessly as possible . Ideally, this should be accomplished with a firm bite to a sensitive area, causing the minion to flee under its own steam. Be sure to brush, floss and rinse after, as idiocy is catching. If it refuses to budge, a catapult can be used to transport the minion from where it is to where you want it to be. Get your biggest and strongest minions to secure their former colleague to the catapult. If the dud has created more work for them, they will be delighted to do so. Creating work for others is solely the Overlord's domain. If the minion you are looking to rid yourself of is the biggest and strongest, get your smartest and stealthiest minion to put large doses of sedatives into his dinner.
Occasionally a minion that started out to be quite useful will have a much shorter shelf-life than they led you to believe. In the time it takes such a minion to degenerate, they may have had a chance to bond with the more helpful, loyal, durable minions. When this happens, disposal by conventional methods may cause a public relations nightmare. Remember, it is important that your minions believe that a life of servitude is really quite fun. Most of the time it doesn't take much convincing, but remember the minions you hired for their critical thinking skills, and moral code. If they are fond of someone who has overstayed their welcome, you may create extra work for yourself, if you fire that someone, and the Brain Minions resign in protest.
At times like these, you must rely on the kind of cunning and clever thinking that got you to the position of Overlord in the first place. If you are dealing with a minion whose capacity for abstract thought and critical thinking is limited, it is a good idea to provide them a menial, simple, yet time-consuming task that will take them to a part of the castle where you are not. For ideas, go through the list of duties that nobody else wants. For good measure, you may wish to assign them some supervision to ensure that they will continue to be useful. File the necessary paperwork to have them designated Someone Else's Problem. (While you're at it, make filing paperwork Someone Else's Problem, unless you are the sort of Evil Overlord who is good with paperwork. Use your skills.) When you do this, be sure to ask yourself "Whose problem should this be?" Make a list of everyone in your employ who seems to enjoy serving in this manner, and one of everyone who finds it horrifying. If anyone on the list of those who hate to twit-sit is in need of some discipline, shackle them to your problem minion and force them to Take Care of Business.
A lot of "The Messiah" was written to bawdy Italian songs of the time. (AN: I have no idea why that's relevant. Somebody probably said it on TV while I was writing the rest of the following notes. This was also inspired by retail hell. I burnt the roof of my mouth a few months back. Someone icky decided we were lunch buddies one day. It ruined the enjoyment of a perfectly good Canneloni TV dinner.)
Livilla pressed a button and onto the rear wall of the chamber was projected an image; an image so horrifying that years later the attorneys would swear that the searing of their retinas was far more severe than the searing of the Weapons Forgers' mouths.
"Are those Dandelions in her hair?"
"No. Fairy kisses." Twila groused, "Apparently when someone kills a flower by picking it, the fairies kiss the ground and *this* is what crops up."
"So how do you explain what's growing out of her nose and ears?"
FLASHBACK
The table seemed to shift as ANGELITA rested her bulk on the bench across from the Weapons Frogers...Decide to snap a photograph of the occasion so they could justify writing their injuries off as a business expense...good to have concrete evidence of why they should be reimbursed for the meal they were unable to enjoy.
Angelita left the invitations on the end table next to her new foliage. Fern Frond saw that they were hand lettered, and that the lettering had been achieved by gluing little rhinestones to some cardstock. Fern confiscated them and brought them to the EFO. Reward. Question to the attorney/drapery of whether they could press charges for Indecent Use of Shiny. Attorneys state they decided against codifying that one due to EFO's fluid definition of "indecent". Law states that Overlord is allowed to confiscate improperly used shinies.
SIGHT GAG: in E.F.O's Media Library: Philedelphia Story, Strangers with Candy, House, and My Fair Lady all listed under "Instructional" "Flowers for Algernon" listed under Satire.
I wonder if the Evil Ferret Overlord has a television show. One where she gives Lessons and The News with the help of the dungeon minions. Theme song "It's an day for the Overlord...won't you be my minion." Today we're going to learn about people in the streets. Now, there is a time and place for everything, but sometimes, little minions, tripping people is just Not Nice." Puppet show vignette about how delaying supper due to bruised shins is Not Nice.
Inspired by Multicultural Education class... On inclusive language: When classifying the squirrels that visit my backyard, should I use rodent-first language?
On Stand and Deliver: Find an excuse for Philippe to cut apples. This is important on several levels, none of which have any bearing on the plot.
(Serious summing up here.)...Hold the Dealer hostage and have someone remind her of Philippe. My ridiculous pining can beat up your ridiculous pining. There has got to be a nugget of snark I can extract here!
What the fuck is with the word Persons? It's people, dammit. One person. Two, five, eleven PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!
(More stuff, partially inspired by Monk) Figure out which characters lend themselves easily to a discussion of the idea of inappropriate vs romantic Acts of Desperation. Angelita.
Philippe decorating cake: Healthy idea or not so much? EFO might reward Angelita for learning things from Philippe, exacerbating her own problems. Resultant angst.
E.F.O needs to get more Involved.
Possibility: Demise of Angelita due to invasion and attempt to kidnap Philippe. Kidnapping encouraged by Raffia Mafia (headed by Astral Guy) theory being that Philippe is being held prisoner. Astral guy somehow fond of Angelita. Way inappropriately (he might really be a little slow, despite first impressions.)
Any Evil Overlord worth her smite will hire only top-quality minions to do her bidding. Sometimes, though, despite extra vigilance, a dud will slip through the cracks. When this happens it is best to dispose of the minion as quickly and painlessly as possible . Ideally, this should be accomplished with a firm bite to a sensitive area, causing the minion to flee under its own steam. Be sure to brush, floss and rinse after, as idiocy is catching. If it refuses to budge, a catapult can be used to transport the minion from where it is to where you want it to be. Get your biggest and strongest minions to secure their former colleague to the catapult. If the dud has created more work for them, they will be delighted to do so. Creating work for others is solely the Overlord's domain. If the minion you are looking to rid yourself of is the biggest and strongest, get your smartest and stealthiest minion to put large doses of sedatives into his dinner.
Occasionally a minion that started out to be quite useful will have a much shorter shelf-life than they led you to believe. In the time it takes such a minion to degenerate, they may have had a chance to bond with the more helpful, loyal, durable minions. When this happens, disposal by conventional methods may cause a public relations nightmare. Remember, it is important that your minions believe that a life of servitude is really quite fun. Most of the time it doesn't take much convincing, but remember the minions you hired for their critical thinking skills, and moral code. If they are fond of someone who has overstayed their welcome, you may create extra work for yourself, if you fire that someone, and the Brain Minions resign in protest.
At times like these, you must rely on the kind of cunning and clever thinking that got you to the position of Overlord in the first place. If you are dealing with a minion whose capacity for abstract thought and critical thinking is limited, it is a good idea to provide them a menial, simple, yet time-consuming task that will take them to a part of the castle where you are not. For ideas, go through the list of duties that nobody else wants. For good measure, you may wish to assign them some supervision to ensure that they will continue to be useful. File the necessary paperwork to have them designated Someone Else's Problem. (While you're at it, make filing paperwork Someone Else's Problem, unless you are the sort of Evil Overlord who is good with paperwork. Use your skills.) When you do this, be sure to ask yourself "Whose problem should this be?" Make a list of everyone in your employ who seems to enjoy serving in this manner, and one of everyone who finds it horrifying. If anyone on the list of those who hate to twit-sit is in need of some discipline, shackle them to your problem minion and force them to Take Care of Business.
A lot of "The Messiah" was written to bawdy Italian songs of the time. (AN: I have no idea why that's relevant. Somebody probably said it on TV while I was writing the rest of the following notes. This was also inspired by retail hell. I burnt the roof of my mouth a few months back. Someone icky decided we were lunch buddies one day. It ruined the enjoyment of a perfectly good Canneloni TV dinner.)
Livilla pressed a button and onto the rear wall of the chamber was projected an image; an image so horrifying that years later the attorneys would swear that the searing of their retinas was far more severe than the searing of the Weapons Forgers' mouths.
"Are those Dandelions in her hair?"
"No. Fairy kisses." Twila groused, "Apparently when someone kills a flower by picking it, the fairies kiss the ground and *this* is what crops up."
"So how do you explain what's growing out of her nose and ears?"
FLASHBACK
The table seemed to shift as ANGELITA rested her bulk on the bench across from the Weapons Frogers...Decide to snap a photograph of the occasion so they could justify writing their injuries off as a business expense...good to have concrete evidence of why they should be reimbursed for the meal they were unable to enjoy.
Angelita left the invitations on the end table next to her new foliage. Fern Frond saw that they were hand lettered, and that the lettering had been achieved by gluing little rhinestones to some cardstock. Fern confiscated them and brought them to the EFO. Reward. Question to the attorney/drapery of whether they could press charges for Indecent Use of Shiny. Attorneys state they decided against codifying that one due to EFO's fluid definition of "indecent". Law states that Overlord is allowed to confiscate improperly used shinies.
SIGHT GAG: in E.F.O's Media Library: Philedelphia Story, Strangers with Candy, House, and My Fair Lady all listed under "Instructional" "Flowers for Algernon" listed under Satire.
I wonder if the Evil Ferret Overlord has a television show. One where she gives Lessons and The News with the help of the dungeon minions. Theme song "It's an day for the Overlord...won't you be my minion." Today we're going to learn about people in the streets. Now, there is a time and place for everything, but sometimes, little minions, tripping people is just Not Nice." Puppet show vignette about how delaying supper due to bruised shins is Not Nice.
Inspired by Multicultural Education class... On inclusive language: When classifying the squirrels that visit my backyard, should I use rodent-first language?
On Stand and Deliver: Find an excuse for Philippe to cut apples. This is important on several levels, none of which have any bearing on the plot.
(Serious summing up here.)...Hold the Dealer hostage and have someone remind her of Philippe. My ridiculous pining can beat up your ridiculous pining. There has got to be a nugget of snark I can extract here!
What the fuck is with the word Persons? It's people, dammit. One person. Two, five, eleven PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!
(More stuff, partially inspired by Monk) Figure out which characters lend themselves easily to a discussion of the idea of inappropriate vs romantic Acts of Desperation. Angelita.
Philippe decorating cake: Healthy idea or not so much? EFO might reward Angelita for learning things from Philippe, exacerbating her own problems. Resultant angst.
E.F.O needs to get more Involved.
Possibility: Demise of Angelita due to invasion and attempt to kidnap Philippe. Kidnapping encouraged by Raffia Mafia (headed by Astral Guy) theory being that Philippe is being held prisoner. Astral guy somehow fond of Angelita. Way inappropriately (he might really be a little slow, despite first impressions.)