EMO EMO EMO ALERT!
So, today, i realized ive taken for granted that i can get A's and pretend i work hard for them when reality, i just didnt cheat to get them. That math quiz kicked my bootay, and i seriously thought that tears were funna fall, cause they were totally there. So i care just enough to know that im doing bad, but i dont care enough to work harder to prevent those bad things.
Unrelated to academics, i thought today was going to be a good day, it started out as a good day. Not so much, its funny how someone can unintentionally ruin your day. How can one person have that much of an affect over my feelings? I know she doesnt necessarily mean to hurt me, but she does anyway, and i want to tell her because thats how i roll, but i cant really since i dont know her all that well, and well like i said, its unintentional. She doesnt know about things that happened last year, or two years ago, or even four or five years ago. That isnt her fault. I just wish she didnt rub it in my face. Maybe she does know that im angry, and maybe she just doesnt care. I just wish she would wait. Let me have finish my turn and then she can have hers, but im not finished yet. The worst part about it though, is she isnt in control of the situation, a third party is, and i cant talk to them either. Maybe i could, but i dont want to. This third party is more confused than i am, and more misleading that ill ever be. I wish that i could change my feelings or ignore them, but doing either of those is so hard. I really want to yell and her, but i cant. So i vent about an annoynoumous person in an online journal. YAY. Too much is going on right now, and feel the beginning signs of a major melt down. Goodie, just intime for Christmas. I really wish i was made of money, and could buy all of those that i love dearly phatty presents that say I LOVE YOU TIMES TEN BILLION, but i dont have any money that isnt desperately needed in the gas tank. I feel that my job is meaningless, which it really is, and that school is a waste of time, which it probably is, and that i wont graduate with a 5.0, which i really want to. I'm scared shitless of going to college, and we only have less than 2 semesters to figure that out! TWO! i need to be appyling to colleges in less than a year! My AP test is in less that 6 months! the ACT is in 5 months, and i have completely stopped prepping for both of those tests. I miss volleyball, but not really, and i feel i wasted my fall of my junior year. I wish that high school had been the best 4 years so far in my life, but they are not, and they are no where close. I want to redo freshman year completely and start over, but i dont want to redo all that work. In a way its nice to know i only have a little bit of time left, but right now, really all i feel is vulnerable. In two years i will be hopefully at a college not in Illinois, alone, without anyone i really know well. THAT IS SCARY. Or maybe i will be in Austria, even more alone, and isolated by a different language that i barely speak. Its scary that for the first time in my life, i dont know whats coming. I always knew it would be westview, jefferson, centennial, and college. Well, in 6th grade, college seemed a million years away, now its only two, less than that. I cant think of it as just college anymore, i have to think of it which college. While its exciting to know that something different will happen, and good things will happen, i cant help but think of the bad, and the unknown. I dont want to sleep in a strange bed with a weird roommate, and eat with strangers. I want my bed. I dont want College to be highschool all over again, and i am terrified i will pick the wrong school. College is expensive, i cant waste that money, but i dont want to waste college like i feel ive wasted high school. WHAT IF I DONT GET INTO COLLEGE? if my sister didnt get into the schools she wanted, how will any school want me? i dont want to leave my parents, as pathetic as that sounds. When im sick i want someone there, not a hungover roommate or an empty room.
Im sorry, i feel little, and helpless and i really really dont like that feeling.
Unrelated to academics, i thought today was going to be a good day, it started out as a good day. Not so much, its funny how someone can unintentionally ruin your day. How can one person have that much of an affect over my feelings? I know she doesnt necessarily mean to hurt me, but she does anyway, and i want to tell her because thats how i roll, but i cant really since i dont know her all that well, and well like i said, its unintentional. She doesnt know about things that happened last year, or two years ago, or even four or five years ago. That isnt her fault. I just wish she didnt rub it in my face. Maybe she does know that im angry, and maybe she just doesnt care. I just wish she would wait. Let me have finish my turn and then she can have hers, but im not finished yet. The worst part about it though, is she isnt in control of the situation, a third party is, and i cant talk to them either. Maybe i could, but i dont want to. This third party is more confused than i am, and more misleading that ill ever be. I wish that i could change my feelings or ignore them, but doing either of those is so hard. I really want to yell and her, but i cant. So i vent about an annoynoumous person in an online journal. YAY. Too much is going on right now, and feel the beginning signs of a major melt down. Goodie, just intime for Christmas. I really wish i was made of money, and could buy all of those that i love dearly phatty presents that say I LOVE YOU TIMES TEN BILLION, but i dont have any money that isnt desperately needed in the gas tank. I feel that my job is meaningless, which it really is, and that school is a waste of time, which it probably is, and that i wont graduate with a 5.0, which i really want to. I'm scared shitless of going to college, and we only have less than 2 semesters to figure that out! TWO! i need to be appyling to colleges in less than a year! My AP test is in less that 6 months! the ACT is in 5 months, and i have completely stopped prepping for both of those tests. I miss volleyball, but not really, and i feel i wasted my fall of my junior year. I wish that high school had been the best 4 years so far in my life, but they are not, and they are no where close. I want to redo freshman year completely and start over, but i dont want to redo all that work. In a way its nice to know i only have a little bit of time left, but right now, really all i feel is vulnerable. In two years i will be hopefully at a college not in Illinois, alone, without anyone i really know well. THAT IS SCARY. Or maybe i will be in Austria, even more alone, and isolated by a different language that i barely speak. Its scary that for the first time in my life, i dont know whats coming. I always knew it would be westview, jefferson, centennial, and college. Well, in 6th grade, college seemed a million years away, now its only two, less than that. I cant think of it as just college anymore, i have to think of it which college. While its exciting to know that something different will happen, and good things will happen, i cant help but think of the bad, and the unknown. I dont want to sleep in a strange bed with a weird roommate, and eat with strangers. I want my bed. I dont want College to be highschool all over again, and i am terrified i will pick the wrong school. College is expensive, i cant waste that money, but i dont want to waste college like i feel ive wasted high school. WHAT IF I DONT GET INTO COLLEGE? if my sister didnt get into the schools she wanted, how will any school want me? i dont want to leave my parents, as pathetic as that sounds. When im sick i want someone there, not a hungover roommate or an empty room.
Im sorry, i feel little, and helpless and i really really dont like that feeling.