(no subject)
It has been a couple of months since I've written my last entry. I've started to write many times, but I can't come up with the right words, which is why I used pictures.
I had a really disturbing dream last night.
Rape
To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
I think something I will look for in the next guy that I am with will be his ability to understand me. I cannot handle having him look at me like I am crazy and me apologizing. I just can't. So I won't.
I know I am somewhat of a workaholic, but I like doing it, too. Because at work, I can be more free than I am at school. I dance at work, I joke around at work, I tease people at work, I can be bold at work, and I laugh at work. I feel like the identity I've created at school is just too sad, and I don't like it. It is too damn difficult to be FREE, and I hold myself back so much.
So ever since Lent has started, I've been following my daily Bible reading, praying, abstaining from fanfiction and eating rice. I was so in love with God, but now I feel almost forgotten by him. I feel un-special at times, and I sometimes wonder if God thinks of me this way. And I've been so tempted to just... do crazy things that I've politely refused in the past.
People need to get ridiculous notions of me and ----- ending up together out of their minds. Because it is stupid. Just stupid, and not going to ever happen. It is a door that will not open again-- nor do I even want to.
My hormones are raging. I like it when he rests his arm on me, and when he pulls my desk closer to his. And and and and and.
I have to face my fear of flying alone next Monday. I am scared to death.
It's too cold in my room.
I need to remember to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. Because.. I'm just in a somewhat low place righ tnow, but I will get up. Up. Up. Up!