The steps of recovery; PG-13; second part of chapter 3/?
“Taemin, are you okay? What happened?” Kibum questioned, his voice worried. Taemin didn’t answer but kept sobbing, clutching to Jinki.
“Some boy from his school saw Taemin talking to his girlfriend and thought Taemin was trying to hit on her”, Jinki explained, his voice tense and cold. Waves of anger shot trough Jonghyun. How could any sick bastard do that to Taemin?
“Tell me the names and I’ll make them regret the day they were born”, Jonghyun hissed.
“I’m going to make them regret the day they’re parents as much as laid eyes on each other.” Minho was suddenly next to Jonghyun, mirroring his anger perfectly.
“You’re not helping”, Key snapped. “Let’s go wash your face and find you something to wear”, Kibum told Taemin, his voice soothing. Taemin just gripped the sleeves of Jinki’s hoodie with all his force as if letting go of him would be letting go of the only thing safe in the world.
“It’s okay, I’m going to be here when you come back, I’m not going anywhere”, Jinki muttered, gently touching the swollen cheek with his fingertips. Reluctantly Taemin loosened his death grip, letting Kibum put his arms around him and lead him towards the bathroom. When the two of them disappeared to the hallway Jonghyun felt his anger take over and he gripped the nearest chair and threw it into the wall.
“Fuck”, Jonghyun cursed. Minho took hold of his hands as he was about to move to the next chair.
“Breaking every chair in the room is not going to help Taemin anyhow”, Minho sounded calmer that he had only a minute ago. Jonghyun’s body was shaking with rage, he had never felt this much hatred before. He wish he could’ve changed places with Taemin. Jonghyun knew he would have deserved a few well placed punches after what he had made his friends go through. But what had Taemin ever done to deserve this?
“Taemin is the sweetest kid out there, how could anyone do that to him?” Jonghyun gritted through his teeth, trying to calm himself down.
“I really don’t know”, Minho sighed and put his arms around Jonghyun. Jonghyun let the other boy draw him closer, enjoying the warmth. “Even if they were jealous that’s just not acceptable”, Minho added while resting his head on top of Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun saw from the corner of his eyes that Jinki kept pacing around the room, looking nothing like his normal cheery self.
“Hyung, everything okay?” he asked while pulling back from Minho’s embrace. He liked the closeness but he wasn’t about to deal with a jealous Kibum.
“I’m just trying to stop myself from taking my car and driving over those bastards”, Jinki muttered and came to a halt. “Sorry about this, I’m supposed to be the leader here. It’s just hard not to get involved when it’s about Taemin”, Jinki added, running his hand trough his hair.
“No one’s blaming you for anything, hyung”, Minho told him.
“That’s right, it’d be inhuman to take things calmly in a situation like this”, Jonghyun agreed. Jinki flashed them a small smile. The door opened and Kibum led Taemin in and made him sit in one of the chairs. Even if Taemin’s face was no longer bloody and he had on one of those shirts Kibum had bought earlier he still looked heartbreaking. The boy kept his head down and hugged himself tightly. Kibum sat next to him in Jonghyun’s usual place and gently run his hand up and down Taemin’s arm.
“You okay, kid?” Jonghyun asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for making you worried and causing all this trouble”, Taemin’s voice was quiet and he sounded more like the person they’d met in the first meeting than the Taemin they had get to know during last week.
“Stop apologizing right away!” Kibum commanded. “You have done absolutely nothing wrong.”
“We worry because you’re our friend, that’s how things work”, Minho continued. Taemin managed a small smile and lifted his head a bit.
“You’re the best hyungs I could wish for”, Taemin nearly whispered before blushing and covering his face with his hands.
“You’re so cute!” Jonghyun exclaimed and the rest of them laughed. Jonghyun still felt angry but he was relieved that Taemin seemed to be okay, considering the circumstances. He was happy the boy had come here instead of getting drunk and trying to solve things that way. Jonghyun wasn’t sure at all he’d have been as strong.
“Okay everybody sit down. Jonghyun you get to sit on the chair you almost broke”, Jinki told them, smiling as he gazed at the chair laying in the corner. Jonghyun obeyed and went to get the chair to drag it next to Jinki.
“Taemin, do you want to talk about this or should we just continue normally?” Jinki addressed Taemin. The boy bit his lip, considering.
“I’d like it more if we would just continue normally”, Taemin answered. Kibum next to him made a disapproving noise.
“Why I never get to decide whether or not I want to talk about things”, Kibum asked, pouting.
“Because you’re not nearly as adorable”, Jonghyun told him before Jinki could say anything.
“Yes I am!” Kibum sounded offended. “Just ask anyone!”
“Taemin‘s too scared to disagree with you and Minho wants to sleep with you so it’s not like their opinion would matter”, Jonghyun grinned and burst out laughing as Minho threw his notebook at him. In no time they were in the middle of a war where Kibum and Minho kept throwing things at Jonghyun who was using Jinki as a shield.
“Stop it kids”, Jinki commanded even as he was trying to stop laughing. “Pick your things from the floor so we can start properly”. It took some time before everybody had their belongings and were seated again. Jonghyun noticed that Taemin looked a lot happier he had a few minutes ago as the boy was smiling openly. That was probably the only reason Jinki had let them go this far in the first place. He knew Taemin didn’t like to be the centre of attention.
“Jonghyun is your turn to tell your story”, Jinki said and as if reading Jonghyun’s mind he quickly added: “And don’t even think about objecting or I’ll lock you in a room with Kibum and won’t let you out before you learn some manners”.
“Thanks for referring that being with me is a punishment”, Kibum pouted but everybody just ignored him.
“Okay where should I start”, Jonghyun sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. He knew this day would come but still he didn’t feel prepared.
“I started gambling when I turned 17. Me and my friend sneaked into this bar where they had a blackjack table and of course we wanted to try it. At first I was really bad but after few months I started to win occasionally and that’s how this hell called addiction started. In the end it didn’t even matter what I was playing. Poker, blackjack, betting for some team to win, whatever was fine if there was a change to win money. If I went to a bar with my friends they would be getting drunk and hitting on some girls while I would be too busy gambling. If I won I’d buy rounds for everyone and be the nicest person to be with. But if I lose, I would turn into this asshole, blaming everyone else and not contacting them for days.”
Jonghyun closed his eyes. He hated thinking about the past and the way he had acted. It was necessary though, because in moments like this he wanted nothing more than to get past his addiction, he wanted it so so badly. Jonghyun wanted back his life, he wanted back his self control and his money. But more than anything, he wanted back the friends he’d lost because of his gambling.
“I knew I was losing it but I just couldn’t stop. Even when I was badly in debt I just kept playing. The feeling when I win, it’s just”, Jonghyun tried to find the right words.
“The feeling is better than anything else. The adrenaline pulsing trough your body, the feeling that you’re invincible”, Minho ended his sentence. Jonghyun looked at the boy in surprise. Minho wasn’t metting his gaze, his eyes were fixed on the wall, stare cold.
“Yeah, exactly”, Jonghyun admitted. He felt weird knowing there was someone else who felt just like he did. His friends had been there for him but they could never truly understand the fire that was consuming Jonghyun, burning him alive.
“You would think that the worst part of gambling is being in dept constantly”, Jonghyun started, not sure why it felt so important to say this. “But the worst part is not losing the money, it's losing the people you care for. A few of my best friends don’t want to be in any contact with me anymore. And it’s my own fault, I made them leave. I lend money from them and never paid back. I promised to change and never did. I lied to them and hurt them and I don’t know if I can ever make things right again.”
Jonghyun’s body was trembling. The pain he was able to put aside most of the time was here now and it was stronger than ever. Jonghyun closed his eyes because he didn’t want to see the pitying looks he was sure the others were giving him. He could take anything else but not pity. Suddenly someone was standing in front of him and Jonghyun opened his eyes to see Taemin bend down to hug him.
“Taemin, what, but”, Jonghyun couldn’t even make a proper sentence, he would have never expected Taemin to be the one to take contact.
“We all know skinship is practically your second name, hyung”, Taemin told him softly. “And don’t actions speak louder than words, anyway.” Jonghyun felt like crying as he hugged the boy back, careful not to hurt the other.
“You need to show them that you can change and keep your promises. Getting rid of you addiction is a good place to start.” Kibum’s arms were around him as well now and even if the younger boy’s voice sounded more like nagging Jonghyun felt good and cared and like maybe, just maybe, things would turn right some day.
oOo
“Okay that was all then, see you on Thursday and thanks for Jonghyun for sharing your story with us”, Jinki told them as the meeting was ending, flashing them one of his widest smiles. They had spent the rest of the session mostly discussing Jonghyun’s story and even if it probably should have made him feel sad, Jonghyun felt light as if the burden he’d been carrying was finally gone. As they left the building Jonghyun gently stopped Taemin by gripping his arm.
“Kiddo, you never fail to surprise me”, Jonghyun told Taemin, chuckling. Taemin smiled back at him, his bruised face lighting up.
“If those bastards ever come near you again you have my number”, Jonghyun reminded the boy. Taemin just nodded before waving goodbye and running after Jinki. Jonghyun watched as the two of them walked towards Jinki’s car, Jinki’s hand softly resting on Taemin’s shoulder. Suddenly a realisation hit Jonghyun.
“Omona, do you think our leader is falling for that kid?” Jonghyun thought out loud.
“What on earth makes you think so?” Kibum snorted next to him.
“I just get that kind of vibe out of them”, Jonghyun insisted. He couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what made him suspect it but now he was sure of it.
“Well then I’m totally agreeing with you”, Kibum rolled his eyes and Jonghyun punched him in the arm. “You yourself said that Taemin is too young for me so don’t you think he’s definitely too young for Jinki hyung?” Kibum pointed out.
“I didn’t say Jinki would do anything about it, I’m just stating the facts”, Jonghyun protested but Kibum had already stopped paying attention and was shouting Minho to come to them.
“Minho come on, I’ll give you a ride home”, Kibum told Minho as the boy made his way to them. Minho smiled gratefully and started following Kibum with Jonghyun.
“Shotgun!” Minho yelled as they reached the car and before Jonghyun could protest the boy opened the door and got in.
“Unfair”, Jonghyun muttered to himself before taking the seat behind him. Kibum turned on the radio as soon as they got off the parking lot and turned the volume louder as some girl band’s annoyingly chirpy song started playing.
“I’m really not that surprised you like stuff like this”, Minho said as he pretended to cover his ears in disgust.
“I like music I can dance to”, Kibum sulked. Minho looked suddenly a lot more interested and Jonghyun grinned. He was sure Minho would be willing to listen to the sound of a chainsaw if it would mean he could see more of Kibum’s talented hip swinging. He was interested to see how long it would take for the two of them to finally hit it.
“You can leave me here, my apartment is just across the street”, Minho advised Kibum as they were driving along a nice looking street. Kibum pulled over to let Minho get out and the boy thanked him before saying goodbye to them. Jonghyun took back his stolen front seat and sang along with the music blasting from the radio. He felt positively good.
“Hyung, if you ever feel like you need a distraction so you wouldn’t go gambling”, Kibum started as he stopped in front of Jonghyun’s apartment.
“Be sure not to contact you?” Jonghyun suggested. Kibum laughed softly and Jonghyun had to admit he liked the sound.
“Well, let’s just say that if any of the others are not available, call me. Don’t break down now that you’re doing so well”, Kibum told him, not quite meeting his yes. Jonghyun couldn’t stop the stupid grin that was taking over his face.
“Did you actually just give me some praise?” He asked Kibum, pretending to looked shocked.
“Don’t expect it to happen again. Now get off”, Kibum told him and didn’t bother saying goodbye before driving away. Jonghyun felt, strangely enough, as if he was going to do just fine.
Chapter 1 I Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 1/2
A/N: This is like the fifth time I edit this bloody thing. Computers hate me today. I lost the report I'd been writing for five hours and decided I might as well write this. Why Ontae, I don't really know, Love you guys <3
“Some boy from his school saw Taemin talking to his girlfriend and thought Taemin was trying to hit on her”, Jinki explained, his voice tense and cold. Waves of anger shot trough Jonghyun. How could any sick bastard do that to Taemin?
“Tell me the names and I’ll make them regret the day they were born”, Jonghyun hissed.
“I’m going to make them regret the day they’re parents as much as laid eyes on each other.” Minho was suddenly next to Jonghyun, mirroring his anger perfectly.
“You’re not helping”, Key snapped. “Let’s go wash your face and find you something to wear”, Kibum told Taemin, his voice soothing. Taemin just gripped the sleeves of Jinki’s hoodie with all his force as if letting go of him would be letting go of the only thing safe in the world.
“It’s okay, I’m going to be here when you come back, I’m not going anywhere”, Jinki muttered, gently touching the swollen cheek with his fingertips. Reluctantly Taemin loosened his death grip, letting Kibum put his arms around him and lead him towards the bathroom. When the two of them disappeared to the hallway Jonghyun felt his anger take over and he gripped the nearest chair and threw it into the wall.
“Fuck”, Jonghyun cursed. Minho took hold of his hands as he was about to move to the next chair.
“Breaking every chair in the room is not going to help Taemin anyhow”, Minho sounded calmer that he had only a minute ago. Jonghyun’s body was shaking with rage, he had never felt this much hatred before. He wish he could’ve changed places with Taemin. Jonghyun knew he would have deserved a few well placed punches after what he had made his friends go through. But what had Taemin ever done to deserve this?
“Taemin is the sweetest kid out there, how could anyone do that to him?” Jonghyun gritted through his teeth, trying to calm himself down.
“I really don’t know”, Minho sighed and put his arms around Jonghyun. Jonghyun let the other boy draw him closer, enjoying the warmth. “Even if they were jealous that’s just not acceptable”, Minho added while resting his head on top of Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun saw from the corner of his eyes that Jinki kept pacing around the room, looking nothing like his normal cheery self.
“Hyung, everything okay?” he asked while pulling back from Minho’s embrace. He liked the closeness but he wasn’t about to deal with a jealous Kibum.
“I’m just trying to stop myself from taking my car and driving over those bastards”, Jinki muttered and came to a halt. “Sorry about this, I’m supposed to be the leader here. It’s just hard not to get involved when it’s about Taemin”, Jinki added, running his hand trough his hair.
“No one’s blaming you for anything, hyung”, Minho told him.
“That’s right, it’d be inhuman to take things calmly in a situation like this”, Jonghyun agreed. Jinki flashed them a small smile. The door opened and Kibum led Taemin in and made him sit in one of the chairs. Even if Taemin’s face was no longer bloody and he had on one of those shirts Kibum had bought earlier he still looked heartbreaking. The boy kept his head down and hugged himself tightly. Kibum sat next to him in Jonghyun’s usual place and gently run his hand up and down Taemin’s arm.
“You okay, kid?” Jonghyun asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for making you worried and causing all this trouble”, Taemin’s voice was quiet and he sounded more like the person they’d met in the first meeting than the Taemin they had get to know during last week.
“Stop apologizing right away!” Kibum commanded. “You have done absolutely nothing wrong.”
“We worry because you’re our friend, that’s how things work”, Minho continued. Taemin managed a small smile and lifted his head a bit.
“You’re the best hyungs I could wish for”, Taemin nearly whispered before blushing and covering his face with his hands.
“You’re so cute!” Jonghyun exclaimed and the rest of them laughed. Jonghyun still felt angry but he was relieved that Taemin seemed to be okay, considering the circumstances. He was happy the boy had come here instead of getting drunk and trying to solve things that way. Jonghyun wasn’t sure at all he’d have been as strong.
“Okay everybody sit down. Jonghyun you get to sit on the chair you almost broke”, Jinki told them, smiling as he gazed at the chair laying in the corner. Jonghyun obeyed and went to get the chair to drag it next to Jinki.
“Taemin, do you want to talk about this or should we just continue normally?” Jinki addressed Taemin. The boy bit his lip, considering.
“I’d like it more if we would just continue normally”, Taemin answered. Kibum next to him made a disapproving noise.
“Why I never get to decide whether or not I want to talk about things”, Kibum asked, pouting.
“Because you’re not nearly as adorable”, Jonghyun told him before Jinki could say anything.
“Yes I am!” Kibum sounded offended. “Just ask anyone!”
“Taemin‘s too scared to disagree with you and Minho wants to sleep with you so it’s not like their opinion would matter”, Jonghyun grinned and burst out laughing as Minho threw his notebook at him. In no time they were in the middle of a war where Kibum and Minho kept throwing things at Jonghyun who was using Jinki as a shield.
“Stop it kids”, Jinki commanded even as he was trying to stop laughing. “Pick your things from the floor so we can start properly”. It took some time before everybody had their belongings and were seated again. Jonghyun noticed that Taemin looked a lot happier he had a few minutes ago as the boy was smiling openly. That was probably the only reason Jinki had let them go this far in the first place. He knew Taemin didn’t like to be the centre of attention.
“Jonghyun is your turn to tell your story”, Jinki said and as if reading Jonghyun’s mind he quickly added: “And don’t even think about objecting or I’ll lock you in a room with Kibum and won’t let you out before you learn some manners”.
“Thanks for referring that being with me is a punishment”, Kibum pouted but everybody just ignored him.
“Okay where should I start”, Jonghyun sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. He knew this day would come but still he didn’t feel prepared.
“I started gambling when I turned 17. Me and my friend sneaked into this bar where they had a blackjack table and of course we wanted to try it. At first I was really bad but after few months I started to win occasionally and that’s how this hell called addiction started. In the end it didn’t even matter what I was playing. Poker, blackjack, betting for some team to win, whatever was fine if there was a change to win money. If I went to a bar with my friends they would be getting drunk and hitting on some girls while I would be too busy gambling. If I won I’d buy rounds for everyone and be the nicest person to be with. But if I lose, I would turn into this asshole, blaming everyone else and not contacting them for days.”
Jonghyun closed his eyes. He hated thinking about the past and the way he had acted. It was necessary though, because in moments like this he wanted nothing more than to get past his addiction, he wanted it so so badly. Jonghyun wanted back his life, he wanted back his self control and his money. But more than anything, he wanted back the friends he’d lost because of his gambling.
“I knew I was losing it but I just couldn’t stop. Even when I was badly in debt I just kept playing. The feeling when I win, it’s just”, Jonghyun tried to find the right words.
“The feeling is better than anything else. The adrenaline pulsing trough your body, the feeling that you’re invincible”, Minho ended his sentence. Jonghyun looked at the boy in surprise. Minho wasn’t metting his gaze, his eyes were fixed on the wall, stare cold.
“Yeah, exactly”, Jonghyun admitted. He felt weird knowing there was someone else who felt just like he did. His friends had been there for him but they could never truly understand the fire that was consuming Jonghyun, burning him alive.
“You would think that the worst part of gambling is being in dept constantly”, Jonghyun started, not sure why it felt so important to say this. “But the worst part is not losing the money, it's losing the people you care for. A few of my best friends don’t want to be in any contact with me anymore. And it’s my own fault, I made them leave. I lend money from them and never paid back. I promised to change and never did. I lied to them and hurt them and I don’t know if I can ever make things right again.”
Jonghyun’s body was trembling. The pain he was able to put aside most of the time was here now and it was stronger than ever. Jonghyun closed his eyes because he didn’t want to see the pitying looks he was sure the others were giving him. He could take anything else but not pity. Suddenly someone was standing in front of him and Jonghyun opened his eyes to see Taemin bend down to hug him.
“Taemin, what, but”, Jonghyun couldn’t even make a proper sentence, he would have never expected Taemin to be the one to take contact.
“We all know skinship is practically your second name, hyung”, Taemin told him softly. “And don’t actions speak louder than words, anyway.” Jonghyun felt like crying as he hugged the boy back, careful not to hurt the other.
“You need to show them that you can change and keep your promises. Getting rid of you addiction is a good place to start.” Kibum’s arms were around him as well now and even if the younger boy’s voice sounded more like nagging Jonghyun felt good and cared and like maybe, just maybe, things would turn right some day.
oOo
“Okay that was all then, see you on Thursday and thanks for Jonghyun for sharing your story with us”, Jinki told them as the meeting was ending, flashing them one of his widest smiles. They had spent the rest of the session mostly discussing Jonghyun’s story and even if it probably should have made him feel sad, Jonghyun felt light as if the burden he’d been carrying was finally gone. As they left the building Jonghyun gently stopped Taemin by gripping his arm.
“Kiddo, you never fail to surprise me”, Jonghyun told Taemin, chuckling. Taemin smiled back at him, his bruised face lighting up.
“If those bastards ever come near you again you have my number”, Jonghyun reminded the boy. Taemin just nodded before waving goodbye and running after Jinki. Jonghyun watched as the two of them walked towards Jinki’s car, Jinki’s hand softly resting on Taemin’s shoulder. Suddenly a realisation hit Jonghyun.
“Omona, do you think our leader is falling for that kid?” Jonghyun thought out loud.
“What on earth makes you think so?” Kibum snorted next to him.
“I just get that kind of vibe out of them”, Jonghyun insisted. He couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what made him suspect it but now he was sure of it.
“Well then I’m totally agreeing with you”, Kibum rolled his eyes and Jonghyun punched him in the arm. “You yourself said that Taemin is too young for me so don’t you think he’s definitely too young for Jinki hyung?” Kibum pointed out.
“I didn’t say Jinki would do anything about it, I’m just stating the facts”, Jonghyun protested but Kibum had already stopped paying attention and was shouting Minho to come to them.
“Minho come on, I’ll give you a ride home”, Kibum told Minho as the boy made his way to them. Minho smiled gratefully and started following Kibum with Jonghyun.
“Shotgun!” Minho yelled as they reached the car and before Jonghyun could protest the boy opened the door and got in.
“Unfair”, Jonghyun muttered to himself before taking the seat behind him. Kibum turned on the radio as soon as they got off the parking lot and turned the volume louder as some girl band’s annoyingly chirpy song started playing.
“I’m really not that surprised you like stuff like this”, Minho said as he pretended to cover his ears in disgust.
“I like music I can dance to”, Kibum sulked. Minho looked suddenly a lot more interested and Jonghyun grinned. He was sure Minho would be willing to listen to the sound of a chainsaw if it would mean he could see more of Kibum’s talented hip swinging. He was interested to see how long it would take for the two of them to finally hit it.
“You can leave me here, my apartment is just across the street”, Minho advised Kibum as they were driving along a nice looking street. Kibum pulled over to let Minho get out and the boy thanked him before saying goodbye to them. Jonghyun took back his stolen front seat and sang along with the music blasting from the radio. He felt positively good.
“Hyung, if you ever feel like you need a distraction so you wouldn’t go gambling”, Kibum started as he stopped in front of Jonghyun’s apartment.
“Be sure not to contact you?” Jonghyun suggested. Kibum laughed softly and Jonghyun had to admit he liked the sound.
“Well, let’s just say that if any of the others are not available, call me. Don’t break down now that you’re doing so well”, Kibum told him, not quite meeting his yes. Jonghyun couldn’t stop the stupid grin that was taking over his face.
“Did you actually just give me some praise?” He asked Kibum, pretending to looked shocked.
“Don’t expect it to happen again. Now get off”, Kibum told him and didn’t bother saying goodbye before driving away. Jonghyun felt, strangely enough, as if he was going to do just fine.
Chapter 1 I Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 1/2
A/N: This is like the fifth time I edit this bloody thing. Computers hate me today. I lost the report I'd been writing for five hours and decided I might as well write this. Why Ontae, I don't really know, Love you guys <3