(no subject)
In lew (lue? I really need to work on my spelling) of the fires I asked my mother to please take my
1. letter man jacket
2.brand new peacoat
3.yellow folder of important documents concerning my student loans and
4. my year books
This list is dramatically smaller than that of 4 years ago. The only thing the same is my letterman jacket and yearbooks I believe. Maybe this means I'm growing up? Growing apart of material possesions? No, I wanted my mom to take my old prom dresses but felt that since was heading out the door those things were a bit trivial and would take too much space. Also, I was not at home grabbing things, I was in LA, on the phone, breaking down, at work... embarrasing.
So anyhow I come home for the weekend and low and behold my yearbooks are scattered on my floor. I pick one up, you know, what the hell kinda thing and I read what people wrote. Why the fuck did I let like 99% of these people write in my year book? Most of them don't know me and I don't know them. I think every single entry except for Christa and Amy wrote some version of don't change and have a good summer. Wow. And then it hit me. If I could go back to highschool and redo everything
I wouldn't.
Here I was thinking that I was secluded and apart from people in Los Angeles, thinking that in HIGHSCHOOL things were so much better cause people knew and understood me, no. In my lifetime people have come and gone, mainly gone but the few that have stayed, and even now some that kinda more so go, have been able to understand me. This had nothing to do with the amount of time I spent with them, they just GOT me with minimal effort. I didn't necessarily wear my heart on my sleeve (well maybe I did) but they got me. They. Just. GOT. Me. The ones that felt my lonliness and when I felt secluded would include. It doesn't have anything to do with the amount of times I go to parties, get shit fucking face drunk, make bad decissions with. Reading my yearbook shows that a vast majority of people just don't really get me. AND THAT'S OKAY. I REALLY didn't want to GET them, mainly because they didn't seem worth my time. I refuse to feel bad for not making life long friends in college. Because I HATE Los Angeles, I never want to live there and I can confidently say it's not because I'm "stuck" in high school, because I don't ever want to go back, but because Los Angeles and the people who like Los Angeles, just. don't. get.me.
I think I watched to many movies or heard to many songs or watched to many teen dramas. The whole clique best friend thing. It's not real. Not for me. It's not suited for me atleast. Yes I can function in big groups, I'm not shy. But that's the 'big group handler' Beth that's workin' not the Beth that makes jokes about llamas and still enjoys cartoons and is negligent to return phone calls. I don't feel the necessity any more to make mindless banter with people I don't care about or force myself keep up with people. The ones that matter just kinda, stick, more or less. And if I fall, real bad, like I have before, I've got a good feeling that the ones that stick will be there with me, to include, while I feel secluded. Cause I've been negligent before, and I've fallen really bad before, and I had people. The same people that were there before. Even before high school.
Some people go through their whole life without having one truly really good friend. I know I have atleast 7. And yeah it's basically the same 7 as before college, before high school. But if it's not broke, don't fix it you know?
I was going to end this with a, oh my fav 7's, you know who you are and just leave it at that, and then it occured to me that maybe they don't, you know, cause I'm negligent, so just in case you read this and you didn't know here's the 7 in chronological order
1. Christa
2. Amy
3. John
4. Matt
5. Monica
6. Bre
7. Lelund
I should probabally post this on myspace.
1. letter man jacket
2.brand new peacoat
3.yellow folder of important documents concerning my student loans and
4. my year books
This list is dramatically smaller than that of 4 years ago. The only thing the same is my letterman jacket and yearbooks I believe. Maybe this means I'm growing up? Growing apart of material possesions? No, I wanted my mom to take my old prom dresses but felt that since was heading out the door those things were a bit trivial and would take too much space. Also, I was not at home grabbing things, I was in LA, on the phone, breaking down, at work... embarrasing.
So anyhow I come home for the weekend and low and behold my yearbooks are scattered on my floor. I pick one up, you know, what the hell kinda thing and I read what people wrote. Why the fuck did I let like 99% of these people write in my year book? Most of them don't know me and I don't know them. I think every single entry except for Christa and Amy wrote some version of don't change and have a good summer. Wow. And then it hit me. If I could go back to highschool and redo everything
I wouldn't.
Here I was thinking that I was secluded and apart from people in Los Angeles, thinking that in HIGHSCHOOL things were so much better cause people knew and understood me, no. In my lifetime people have come and gone, mainly gone but the few that have stayed, and even now some that kinda more so go, have been able to understand me. This had nothing to do with the amount of time I spent with them, they just GOT me with minimal effort. I didn't necessarily wear my heart on my sleeve (well maybe I did) but they got me. They. Just. GOT. Me. The ones that felt my lonliness and when I felt secluded would include. It doesn't have anything to do with the amount of times I go to parties, get shit fucking face drunk, make bad decissions with. Reading my yearbook shows that a vast majority of people just don't really get me. AND THAT'S OKAY. I REALLY didn't want to GET them, mainly because they didn't seem worth my time. I refuse to feel bad for not making life long friends in college. Because I HATE Los Angeles, I never want to live there and I can confidently say it's not because I'm "stuck" in high school, because I don't ever want to go back, but because Los Angeles and the people who like Los Angeles, just. don't. get.me.
I think I watched to many movies or heard to many songs or watched to many teen dramas. The whole clique best friend thing. It's not real. Not for me. It's not suited for me atleast. Yes I can function in big groups, I'm not shy. But that's the 'big group handler' Beth that's workin' not the Beth that makes jokes about llamas and still enjoys cartoons and is negligent to return phone calls. I don't feel the necessity any more to make mindless banter with people I don't care about or force myself keep up with people. The ones that matter just kinda, stick, more or less. And if I fall, real bad, like I have before, I've got a good feeling that the ones that stick will be there with me, to include, while I feel secluded. Cause I've been negligent before, and I've fallen really bad before, and I had people. The same people that were there before. Even before high school.
Some people go through their whole life without having one truly really good friend. I know I have atleast 7. And yeah it's basically the same 7 as before college, before high school. But if it's not broke, don't fix it you know?
I was going to end this with a, oh my fav 7's, you know who you are and just leave it at that, and then it occured to me that maybe they don't, you know, cause I'm negligent, so just in case you read this and you didn't know here's the 7 in chronological order
1. Christa
2. Amy
3. John
4. Matt
5. Monica
6. Bre
7. Lelund
I should probabally post this on myspace.