random bullshit
Roll over and open your eyes. Kiss the morning and make today the first day of the rest of your life. The days just continue to come without warning and with no slowing down. What makes a particular day meaningful? I feel as though I am merely wasting time day to day. They are only filled with figuring out what the best way to kill time is. I honestly am trying to keep up hope and try to look forward to something, anything. What makes me continually look forward are ideas and events that have done nothing but fuck me over in the past. So, why do these ideas continue to still keep up my optimism? I don’t know if it’s the idea that these certain things I look forward to can actually be successful and make me happy or if I’m only setting myself up for failure. Failure. I think I know more about the idea and everything that goes into this word than anything else. Do I have enough time to change that pathetic fact? In my mind I think I do and that I can. I have hope. For me, I don’t know if that’s healthy for me or not. Everything I’ve done to myself up until this point I’ve done because I thought it was healthy for me. So why do I constantly get knocked down and left to feel like shit. The only good thing I can see I’ve gathered from this is after I face plant, I pull myself up a little faster each time. I recover a little quicker and possibly feel a little stronger than before I tasted the dirt. Maybe this is a sick and twisted way for me to become an incredibly strong person. But how many more times do I have to go through the motions before I reach a certain status where I can just enjoy? I know I’m always going to be learning. It’s just fucking inevitable. But can’t I just learn small lessons in small increments which will allow me to continue to walk around without my head up my ass?
I’ve arrived or have I? I’m here, but my presence is ampul. It’s amazing how much shit I can cram into a quarter of a room and have some part of me show through. Although I don’t know if what is visible to other people is really the person I am. Sure, it might be what is perceived on the outside, but I know when I’m alone and in the farthest depths of myself lurks a different person. A person that had only been shown and experienced by my closest friends. This is never to get out to too many people that I come in contact with. I used to believe that if you put yourself out there and put something into other people you’ll get the same thing back. Fuck that. It’s all about personal protection until this world proves me wrong. (Black is kick ass to cover things up. Do you still want to ask me what my favorite color is?)
Tie me up and beat me with your self-righteous morals that you don’t even live by. Condemn me and spin everyone’s mind to think along the same track as you. Turn your eyes and continue to enjoy hating the person who you won’t even contemplate getting to know. Is your ego so huge that you actually think a reputable group of people actually put you on some sort of gold and diamond pedestal? You have to get dizzy at some point and time after looking down on everyone constantly. My hand expands over my face and as I retract it away I wish I was actually peeling the flesh down along with my stone cold palm. Not only the flesh, but everything that people perceive when they look at mine. Flesh distorts itself into images that are judged and hated, or perhaps admired and idolized. Fuck calling it a mask. It’s a goddamn lie. How the fuck do you know what lurks behind and inside. People see what they want to see. People use you for what they want until they can no longer benefit from you for their own personal gain. I’m beginning to think that I’m the only soul walking around this planet thinking and feeling the way I feel .What’s the point and where does all this shit get channeled anyway? The more I continue to try to hang in there the more I question what the fuck for.
The time as come when that bridge lies in front of you. It’s a bit wobbly, but everyone else on the fucking earth is running across it without even glancing back, without even giving a second thought to what the fuck they’re actually doing. I stand at edge knowing that if I blindly run without looking back, I’ll be with the majority of the rest of world. But if I were to stand steady and wait, maybe you’ll see. Perhaps you’ll swim into the depths of my soul and understand what is holding me back. Perhaps you’ll see that there are illusions, there are motivations in this world other than what is the surface level norm bullshit. Are you too scared or are you too self involved to even try to look into someone else’s being, someone else’s self to see that the greatest thing you can be connected to other than yourself is another being that walks the same earth as you do? I’m not small. I’m not insignificant. God or whoever the fuck decided that we should be here, decided to make me. This force took what was wanted and took certain elements. They were scrambled together and life was breathed into them. That life was mine. Whatever I was given I have to learn how to use it. I have to filter through them one by one. Each element taken apart and held under a microscope, analyzed down to it’s most minuscule particle. Other individuals that cross my path and come in contact with me don’t realize that this is probably the most important learning experience. So, when another person tries to understand me and I tell them that I don’t even understand me.....they run. Too bad they probably don’t even know the biggest part of themselves. Pardon fucking me for wanting to understand what makes me tick the way I do, why I react the way I do, and why the fuck certain things effect me so goddamn much.
I’ve arrived or have I? I’m here, but my presence is ampul. It’s amazing how much shit I can cram into a quarter of a room and have some part of me show through. Although I don’t know if what is visible to other people is really the person I am. Sure, it might be what is perceived on the outside, but I know when I’m alone and in the farthest depths of myself lurks a different person. A person that had only been shown and experienced by my closest friends. This is never to get out to too many people that I come in contact with. I used to believe that if you put yourself out there and put something into other people you’ll get the same thing back. Fuck that. It’s all about personal protection until this world proves me wrong. (Black is kick ass to cover things up. Do you still want to ask me what my favorite color is?)
Tie me up and beat me with your self-righteous morals that you don’t even live by. Condemn me and spin everyone’s mind to think along the same track as you. Turn your eyes and continue to enjoy hating the person who you won’t even contemplate getting to know. Is your ego so huge that you actually think a reputable group of people actually put you on some sort of gold and diamond pedestal? You have to get dizzy at some point and time after looking down on everyone constantly. My hand expands over my face and as I retract it away I wish I was actually peeling the flesh down along with my stone cold palm. Not only the flesh, but everything that people perceive when they look at mine. Flesh distorts itself into images that are judged and hated, or perhaps admired and idolized. Fuck calling it a mask. It’s a goddamn lie. How the fuck do you know what lurks behind and inside. People see what they want to see. People use you for what they want until they can no longer benefit from you for their own personal gain. I’m beginning to think that I’m the only soul walking around this planet thinking and feeling the way I feel .What’s the point and where does all this shit get channeled anyway? The more I continue to try to hang in there the more I question what the fuck for.
The time as come when that bridge lies in front of you. It’s a bit wobbly, but everyone else on the fucking earth is running across it without even glancing back, without even giving a second thought to what the fuck they’re actually doing. I stand at edge knowing that if I blindly run without looking back, I’ll be with the majority of the rest of world. But if I were to stand steady and wait, maybe you’ll see. Perhaps you’ll swim into the depths of my soul and understand what is holding me back. Perhaps you’ll see that there are illusions, there are motivations in this world other than what is the surface level norm bullshit. Are you too scared or are you too self involved to even try to look into someone else’s being, someone else’s self to see that the greatest thing you can be connected to other than yourself is another being that walks the same earth as you do? I’m not small. I’m not insignificant. God or whoever the fuck decided that we should be here, decided to make me. This force took what was wanted and took certain elements. They were scrambled together and life was breathed into them. That life was mine. Whatever I was given I have to learn how to use it. I have to filter through them one by one. Each element taken apart and held under a microscope, analyzed down to it’s most minuscule particle. Other individuals that cross my path and come in contact with me don’t realize that this is probably the most important learning experience. So, when another person tries to understand me and I tell them that I don’t even understand me.....they run. Too bad they probably don’t even know the biggest part of themselves. Pardon fucking me for wanting to understand what makes me tick the way I do, why I react the way I do, and why the fuck certain things effect me so goddamn much.