so there's a fork in the road? fuck...there isn't even a road anymore
Ok, so i guess you can say I pretty much fucked this whole year up. I quit school and now i refuse to go back unless i pay for it. my parents are never to pay for any class i ever take ever again. if i fuck up classes, it's going to be my cash that goes down the drain. i can't wait to get out of this dorm, but i really can't stand being at home. i was at home since thursday and it was almost unbearable. i pretty much have a job for the summer but it's not really anything i want. i don't know too much about anything anymore. i'm at that point again in my life where marriage is a definite possibility again. i never thought i'd fall head over heels in love with someone again. when i was almost falling off the fucking edge people told me that it would happen again and i pretty much laughed in their face. at that point my heart belonged to one person and no matter how much they stomped or spat on it....i was never going to give my love away to anyone else ever again. yeah, well...that all changed. last time i thought things happned relatively fast. sex, talk of marriage, and talk of children seemed to come pretty quickly after only dating a short while and only grew stonger as the relationship continued for almost two years. Now, only being in this relationship for a little over a month and a half....it's all happening all over agian. the dream of this love that people think is basically unattainable has come true all over again. Fantasies of marraige and children fill my head again. i don't know what it is, but a lot of what was in the past is now alive again. i don't know if this is a bullshit thought but they are only 12 days apart...does that even fucking mean anything? i have no fucking clue. all i really know at this point is that i need to take what i've learned and apply it to this new dreamlike relationship. it's like doug told me about that song..."hold on loosely and don't let go. if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control" i can't afford to lose control again. i'm still scared shitless though. it's the same words and the same emotions. they're just coming alive again. i've heard "i'll never leave you" before. only now i heard that and "i'll never break your heart". i know i might end up sabatoging this which i really don't want to do. but how can i listen to the same things all over again and not see them as broken promises?