it's been awhile
Well I never use this thing anymore… but I am bored so why not? I feel the need to bitch. First about cell phones. This is the year 2006.… I still don’t have one, I really don’t want one, but I guess I’m going to sell my soul and get one. Money isn’t an issue for me, I like to use the excuse…”I don’t want to pay the bill,” but hell even that’s not it.. The point is for whatever reason in 2006 I find myself, all most friendless, bored to death, and a work-aholic.
Working has became the only thing, I truly enjoy… which is sad. I graduated junior college in December. I then went to Greenville College for one week. Feeling that I wasn’t smart enough, and not really being focused on school I choose to quit. I dropped out, I hated the “Christian atmosphere” I found it to be fake, most of the people were rather anal, and I being anti-social managed to talk to virtually no one. Since that day I choose to quit my life has felt very empty. That is probably not the correct word, but after going to school since the age of three and then to not have to go anymore is weird. I’m the type of person that I have to be motivated, by something…. Doesn’t matter what, just something has to give me that push, to give a shit. This year I’ve had no motivation what so ever. Due to my own anti-social behavior along with the fact most of my close friends have either (A) Developed habits I don’t really care for, or (B) Moved on with there lives to the point being around me is no longer relevant.
Anyways I’ve found some motivation here in the past two weeks, my motivation is to go back to school. Get a degree or at least try, I mean fuck I can always move back here and be the same loser I am right now. My dad has begged me since January to go back, try to better myself. I never really understood that until these past two weeks. Due to my lack of social clout, if I stay in this same town, I’m going to be the same person I am right now, till the day I die.
Yes one does grow and change as a person….but I’m not one of the elite… yet I want to be. I’ve always wanted to be/feel important, and I don’t, and basically until I do I’m never going to be happy. I worked 106 hours in the past two weeks, I need to get a life, but I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t been on a real “date” in over 6 months. I haven’t had a real g/f in over a year and a half… I don’t count friends with benefits… but that’s been awhile too. It’s odd I woke up the other day, actually it’s been several other days ago… and I realized I don’t matter to anyone, not to people whom I used to matter to. That makes me sad, I know times change, we all find new interests…
On April 16th I turn 21.… sad thing is I might matter again to people I can buy them alcohol. I’ve decided if my going back to school doesn’t work out… If I’m really not smart enough/ just can’t hack it. I’m going to move to the town of Salem. Laugh if you will ha-ha… but yes I want to move to Salem. It seems I’ve spent the last month or so eating there alone on Friday and Sat. nights…. So If I live there I won’t have to drive that annoying 20 miles or whatever it is.
Now this sounds like I just reek of depression, but no I really don’t, I’m just sick of sooo much I used to never know how to change my life, or actually that I needed to change. That change is me moving, or at least being on my own. The main reason why I’ve stayed living at home is because I’m very comfortable with my surroundings… the shit has hit and I’m not comfortable with living the same lifestyle I have since I was a senior in high school. I feel like that kid in school that was 16 and still in 8th grade, I’ve fucked up a ton…. and I feel rather dumb, I should have moved on a long time ago. Now here I sit alone… for more that just a bit, the bottom line here is it’s time to go!
Working has became the only thing, I truly enjoy… which is sad. I graduated junior college in December. I then went to Greenville College for one week. Feeling that I wasn’t smart enough, and not really being focused on school I choose to quit. I dropped out, I hated the “Christian atmosphere” I found it to be fake, most of the people were rather anal, and I being anti-social managed to talk to virtually no one. Since that day I choose to quit my life has felt very empty. That is probably not the correct word, but after going to school since the age of three and then to not have to go anymore is weird. I’m the type of person that I have to be motivated, by something…. Doesn’t matter what, just something has to give me that push, to give a shit. This year I’ve had no motivation what so ever. Due to my own anti-social behavior along with the fact most of my close friends have either (A) Developed habits I don’t really care for, or (B) Moved on with there lives to the point being around me is no longer relevant.
Anyways I’ve found some motivation here in the past two weeks, my motivation is to go back to school. Get a degree or at least try, I mean fuck I can always move back here and be the same loser I am right now. My dad has begged me since January to go back, try to better myself. I never really understood that until these past two weeks. Due to my lack of social clout, if I stay in this same town, I’m going to be the same person I am right now, till the day I die.
Yes one does grow and change as a person….but I’m not one of the elite… yet I want to be. I’ve always wanted to be/feel important, and I don’t, and basically until I do I’m never going to be happy. I worked 106 hours in the past two weeks, I need to get a life, but I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t been on a real “date” in over 6 months. I haven’t had a real g/f in over a year and a half… I don’t count friends with benefits… but that’s been awhile too. It’s odd I woke up the other day, actually it’s been several other days ago… and I realized I don’t matter to anyone, not to people whom I used to matter to. That makes me sad, I know times change, we all find new interests…
On April 16th I turn 21.… sad thing is I might matter again to people I can buy them alcohol. I’ve decided if my going back to school doesn’t work out… If I’m really not smart enough/ just can’t hack it. I’m going to move to the town of Salem. Laugh if you will ha-ha… but yes I want to move to Salem. It seems I’ve spent the last month or so eating there alone on Friday and Sat. nights…. So If I live there I won’t have to drive that annoying 20 miles or whatever it is.
Now this sounds like I just reek of depression, but no I really don’t, I’m just sick of sooo much I used to never know how to change my life, or actually that I needed to change. That change is me moving, or at least being on my own. The main reason why I’ve stayed living at home is because I’m very comfortable with my surroundings… the shit has hit and I’m not comfortable with living the same lifestyle I have since I was a senior in high school. I feel like that kid in school that was 16 and still in 8th grade, I’ve fucked up a ton…. and I feel rather dumb, I should have moved on a long time ago. Now here I sit alone… for more that just a bit, the bottom line here is it’s time to go!