(no subject)
Unless something amazing happens, which something won't, this will likely be the last time I post here.
After all, I'm trying to pull away from what used to constitute myself.
This really isn't intended for anyone to read, I suppose someone may stumble upon it, but it's for me more than anything else. The way I write it sounds like it is for an audience... but at the reason why will become clear.
Where am I going?
When I find myself thinking about that these days I really have no answer.
So many times I've thought that I had it figured out, and then things begin to crumble.
What do I want?
I don't really know the answer to that either.
I guess I just want to live my life.
Am I happy?
To tell the truth I was only really happy once in my life. If that's what it could be called, anyway. I really have no idea. Fleeting, no matter what sense of time is applied. Most of the time I am content but I always seem to have this gnawing anxiety in my soul that tells me that something isn't quite right with my life. Happiness is just a chain of chemical reactions in your brain that releases- well, it's just a different chemical equation. As long as something's going on up there... as long as I'm not braindead. I don't give a shit. Once you taste happiness you can't remember what you felt like before, you can tell yourself you do so remember... but once it fades away, you're going to be fundamentally changed in one way or another whether you try to revert or evolve, so what's it matter?
Most of the time I feel like what I want is out of my reach, that I am not good enough to take what I want. Sometimes I flux to a different personality type and take what I want... but that always leaves a wake of destruction that becomes worse than had it never been explored/exploited. In other words: Making power plays to get what you want regardless of the consequences and the situation can cause immense problems.
But, I really don't care what everyone else thinks, I just care what happens.
A friend that used to be a part of my life whom I excommunicated over a mistake made under whatever motive it really was leaves the world... Reality sets in and it pains one to realize that he's wrong and can not take back what he said.
Similarly a lack of contact/communication leads to the exponential deterioration of the relationship that seemed to be going somewhere, and one severs himself from the situation and knows that it is possible that something like the above mentioned could happen- but still does it anyway.
Grandfather dies of a malignant cancer, causing even more troubles in the life.
I'm behind in my MCT class because whenever I try to read about it to write the papers, my mind strays to gramps and I can't deal with it, detatch myself from the book and thus these thoughts.
Try to live the life you want and you'll get incinerated, everything around you dictates what you need to do to get by in one way or another.
When I was chilling up with my homey-g-house Shawnsonitis, he asked me- (I'm paraphrasing, don't recall exactly what we said... this was a few weeks ago)
"You ever think about it anymore?"
About what?
"You know, the whole thing."
Well, I guess. I mean, it's still there like a residue in my mind that I can't forget.
"Yeah"
If I get bored or something sparks it, it surfaces but I don't let it get me down or whatever.
"That's good. You have the most complex problems and baggage of anyone I know."
Yeah, that's me.
So for a while now I've been thinking about everything that constitutes who I am.
Who I was, and what that was.
Things rule me and I acknowledge that. Things I can't deal with, I avoid. Things I lose I let go, and things I want I just watch, unless I can devise a method in which to obtain said things. And I won't be trying to go for anything much anymore if I see that I am gonna cause more trouble and problems than I solve with my resolution.
"Never fight unless you're sure you can win."
Good mantra to go by, really.
The hard line, the one you gotta cross, the one you gotta cross to get ya anywhere.
I've stabbed in the back and been stabbed in the back so much that I just find it laughable the way humans will do anything to get what they want at the expense of everyone else for the sake of their own selfish ambitions. I heard some stuff up at UF about things that happened soon after my relationship was spiraling downward that made me want to be sick. However much it was cloaked in lies and boasting, and rumor, it's just some sick ass shit that really would deserve a confrontational PUNCH IN FACE if I still actually gave a shit. Which I do and don't, I just look around every once in a while to take in what's going on and if things have gone to shit like I hope and do not hope they have.
They say nice guys finish last.
But; Covetting is a sin, you bastards.
And taking what you do, has got to be geometrically worse. No doubt about that.
But like I said, I don't give a flying fuck.
Only reason I'm writing about it is to transfer it from the electrons in my head into the electrons on this screen, storing my hatred somewhere else and ridding myself of that which I don't need rotting away at whatever it is that makes up my soul.
I'm sure this all seems pretty obscure. It is.
Referring to the paragraph with the CAPS above, I come to the question of duality.
Come to embrace it, all you dipshits out there. Everyone's got angel and demon running in their veins. I heard a quote a bit back, to the effect of "Men can do deeds that would make angels seem small and deeds that would make demons flinch."... badly badly paraphrased, cannot recall the exact line, but that's the jist(sp?).
It's the reason we're here really... to balance it out or let something take us over either way... but I won't go into that.
Ever find yourself thinking those malicious thoughts that bring that grin to your face and you try to tell yourself that it isn't you talking inside your head?
Happens to me a lot, that dark feeling. Useless to surpress it, instead I let it flow and give it a target. Used to surpress it and it would only build up.
Last time I really let it fly, I got the feeling that I really wrecked my target, hitting where it really hurts. Felt good and felt sick at the same time. But if you feel something you might as well say it, if you don't say it and it continues on inside you with no outlet, where's the point in that? If you hate something or someone, you should let them know "Hey could you fuck off? I find you to be utterly dry, and on top of that you're a flake, now kindly stop wasting my time."
If I simply avoid someone or something, and you'll know who you are, realize that the aforementioned isn't quite the case, I simply cannot deal with it, whatever 'it' is.
I have realized that people lose others because of character flaws and lack of strength to continue. When I got here to NCF I thought I totally dug this girl, and turns out she's got no heart, no strength of personality, needs to be reinforced, needs a crutch, co-dependent no matter how hard she tries to put up the appearance of being indepent... before I could catch myself, I realized that this was what happened last time. Tried not to compare, tried not to remember anything about it, but I just don't forget. And I gave myself PUNCH IN FACE and stepped back even further and recognized that this is exactly the kind of thing that I don't want.
I can't be with another that lets things get to them. Perhaps that's a bit of what happened.
Anyone who knows me knows that I take so much shit, put up with other people's problems, let my own problems linger and multiply, but they still don't get me to the point where I cannot deal with it and start taking it out on others. If I am all of a sudden being hostile, it's because I want to be, it's a conscious decision on my part to be a jerk. I take things out on others only if they deserve it, and I take it out on them in full with no holds barred, really let it rip and tear into them. Next time someone deserves to be taken down for something they did, really let 'em know that they done wrong. Really make 'em feel that they've gone where they shouldn't have and fucked with something that should not be fucked with. I can tell you right here, it feels damn good. When it starts to feel too good, that's when you start feeling sick and know it's time to back off and let your words really sink in on your target and allow the poison to seep in and do their damage. If you really hit your target where it counts, they'll probably think it through, and as we all know, thinking gets more and more damaging as you consider more and more.
Where I go, you can't follow. Where I am, you can't see. It's a decision hard-made to fly by yourself, but it really puts things in perspective. When you break away from everything and call introspection into play like I am trying to do with this, you realize that you have problems just like everyone else. I go below everyone's radar so that nobody else has to deal with my shit. So many other people need a crutch, need to tell someone their every problem, their every woe, think that they'll go insane if someone isn't there to comfort them. Problem is that problems multiply. That's why shrinks have to occasionally get peer evaluations, they listen to so many peoples' problems that they start getting to the shrink himself.
I still remember how I felt about things back then, and I still remember how I played my cards, and that brings me to my next problem...
What parts of me are the real me and which aspects of me are just cleverly manufactured in order to get what I want? I remember saying a lot of things all through time right up to the present day that I feel like I said just to get a benefit, to get something I was after. Playing to the crowd, I believe it is called. When we do this are we really ourselves at all, or just thinking of ourselves and singing in the key that the audience wants to hear so they throw the metaphorical rose at us? I recall some things I have said in the past and recognize that 1) I really only said it to get what I wanted 2) I wouldn't have said it otherwise. But is that a detatchment from myself or simply just myself in the mindset that... fark I don't even know, let me rephrase. It's about being fake. How far will we go being fake to please others, to get what we want, until we are so fake that we are no longer even ourself, but a synthesized personality created in order to get that which we are after? And if that fakeness is just a layer or shell, does it really even count as not the same?
Sincerity is equalled only by the source.
I mean, tabloid newspapers claim to be sincere, yeah? And they report the most ridiculous crap just to make money because people buy them for a laugh or out of sheer gullability. But they're still the tabloids nonetheless. They're after what they want but are so bloody fake, but there's nothing to see through because it is the purpose. Maybe that's a bad analogy but it's the best I can come up without stopping to think about it for a while (and I'm too tired to be doing that, I just want to let my thoughts fly right now).
So where am I going with all of this...
I really don't know.
I do know that for the first time in a long time, a few seconds ago, I felt like a weight was off. Felt some anxiety washed away. It came back but somehow it doesn't seem to be as heavy as it was a bit ago. Man... I really forgot how it feels to feel blank.
It feels good. Not the bad blank. But like there is nothing there, nothing wrong. As if, detatchment... yeah. I just remembered, that's what I am after.
Digressing from the old assembly of myself and going off on a new tangent, in order to become something better and stronger and ultimately more sane than I have been before. Sanity is good.
So, remember at the beginning paragraph when I said it would be clear why it seems written for an audience- the audience is myself, the writer is myself. In order to clear out my mind of those cobwebs that were slowing me down in everything I do.
Maybe I'm on to something.
Maybe I'm a whacked up freak-head that needs to be looked at through 2-inch thick plexiglass for the next 2 years until they figure out where the crazy pills are coming from.
Either way, I feel better.
Here's to not looking back...
After all, I'm trying to pull away from what used to constitute myself.
This really isn't intended for anyone to read, I suppose someone may stumble upon it, but it's for me more than anything else. The way I write it sounds like it is for an audience... but at the reason why will become clear.
Where am I going?
When I find myself thinking about that these days I really have no answer.
So many times I've thought that I had it figured out, and then things begin to crumble.
What do I want?
I don't really know the answer to that either.
I guess I just want to live my life.
Am I happy?
To tell the truth I was only really happy once in my life. If that's what it could be called, anyway. I really have no idea. Fleeting, no matter what sense of time is applied. Most of the time I am content but I always seem to have this gnawing anxiety in my soul that tells me that something isn't quite right with my life. Happiness is just a chain of chemical reactions in your brain that releases- well, it's just a different chemical equation. As long as something's going on up there... as long as I'm not braindead. I don't give a shit. Once you taste happiness you can't remember what you felt like before, you can tell yourself you do so remember... but once it fades away, you're going to be fundamentally changed in one way or another whether you try to revert or evolve, so what's it matter?
Most of the time I feel like what I want is out of my reach, that I am not good enough to take what I want. Sometimes I flux to a different personality type and take what I want... but that always leaves a wake of destruction that becomes worse than had it never been explored/exploited. In other words: Making power plays to get what you want regardless of the consequences and the situation can cause immense problems.
But, I really don't care what everyone else thinks, I just care what happens.
A friend that used to be a part of my life whom I excommunicated over a mistake made under whatever motive it really was leaves the world... Reality sets in and it pains one to realize that he's wrong and can not take back what he said.
Similarly a lack of contact/communication leads to the exponential deterioration of the relationship that seemed to be going somewhere, and one severs himself from the situation and knows that it is possible that something like the above mentioned could happen- but still does it anyway.
Grandfather dies of a malignant cancer, causing even more troubles in the life.
I'm behind in my MCT class because whenever I try to read about it to write the papers, my mind strays to gramps and I can't deal with it, detatch myself from the book and thus these thoughts.
Try to live the life you want and you'll get incinerated, everything around you dictates what you need to do to get by in one way or another.
When I was chilling up with my homey-g-house Shawnsonitis, he asked me- (I'm paraphrasing, don't recall exactly what we said... this was a few weeks ago)
"You ever think about it anymore?"
About what?
"You know, the whole thing."
Well, I guess. I mean, it's still there like a residue in my mind that I can't forget.
"Yeah"
If I get bored or something sparks it, it surfaces but I don't let it get me down or whatever.
"That's good. You have the most complex problems and baggage of anyone I know."
Yeah, that's me.
So for a while now I've been thinking about everything that constitutes who I am.
Who I was, and what that was.
Things rule me and I acknowledge that. Things I can't deal with, I avoid. Things I lose I let go, and things I want I just watch, unless I can devise a method in which to obtain said things. And I won't be trying to go for anything much anymore if I see that I am gonna cause more trouble and problems than I solve with my resolution.
"Never fight unless you're sure you can win."
Good mantra to go by, really.
The hard line, the one you gotta cross, the one you gotta cross to get ya anywhere.
I've stabbed in the back and been stabbed in the back so much that I just find it laughable the way humans will do anything to get what they want at the expense of everyone else for the sake of their own selfish ambitions. I heard some stuff up at UF about things that happened soon after my relationship was spiraling downward that made me want to be sick. However much it was cloaked in lies and boasting, and rumor, it's just some sick ass shit that really would deserve a confrontational PUNCH IN FACE if I still actually gave a shit. Which I do and don't, I just look around every once in a while to take in what's going on and if things have gone to shit like I hope and do not hope they have.
They say nice guys finish last.
But; Covetting is a sin, you bastards.
And taking what you do, has got to be geometrically worse. No doubt about that.
But like I said, I don't give a flying fuck.
Only reason I'm writing about it is to transfer it from the electrons in my head into the electrons on this screen, storing my hatred somewhere else and ridding myself of that which I don't need rotting away at whatever it is that makes up my soul.
I'm sure this all seems pretty obscure. It is.
Referring to the paragraph with the CAPS above, I come to the question of duality.
Come to embrace it, all you dipshits out there. Everyone's got angel and demon running in their veins. I heard a quote a bit back, to the effect of "Men can do deeds that would make angels seem small and deeds that would make demons flinch."... badly badly paraphrased, cannot recall the exact line, but that's the jist(sp?).
It's the reason we're here really... to balance it out or let something take us over either way... but I won't go into that.
Ever find yourself thinking those malicious thoughts that bring that grin to your face and you try to tell yourself that it isn't you talking inside your head?
Happens to me a lot, that dark feeling. Useless to surpress it, instead I let it flow and give it a target. Used to surpress it and it would only build up.
Last time I really let it fly, I got the feeling that I really wrecked my target, hitting where it really hurts. Felt good and felt sick at the same time. But if you feel something you might as well say it, if you don't say it and it continues on inside you with no outlet, where's the point in that? If you hate something or someone, you should let them know "Hey could you fuck off? I find you to be utterly dry, and on top of that you're a flake, now kindly stop wasting my time."
If I simply avoid someone or something, and you'll know who you are, realize that the aforementioned isn't quite the case, I simply cannot deal with it, whatever 'it' is.
I have realized that people lose others because of character flaws and lack of strength to continue. When I got here to NCF I thought I totally dug this girl, and turns out she's got no heart, no strength of personality, needs to be reinforced, needs a crutch, co-dependent no matter how hard she tries to put up the appearance of being indepent... before I could catch myself, I realized that this was what happened last time. Tried not to compare, tried not to remember anything about it, but I just don't forget. And I gave myself PUNCH IN FACE and stepped back even further and recognized that this is exactly the kind of thing that I don't want.
I can't be with another that lets things get to them. Perhaps that's a bit of what happened.
Anyone who knows me knows that I take so much shit, put up with other people's problems, let my own problems linger and multiply, but they still don't get me to the point where I cannot deal with it and start taking it out on others. If I am all of a sudden being hostile, it's because I want to be, it's a conscious decision on my part to be a jerk. I take things out on others only if they deserve it, and I take it out on them in full with no holds barred, really let it rip and tear into them. Next time someone deserves to be taken down for something they did, really let 'em know that they done wrong. Really make 'em feel that they've gone where they shouldn't have and fucked with something that should not be fucked with. I can tell you right here, it feels damn good. When it starts to feel too good, that's when you start feeling sick and know it's time to back off and let your words really sink in on your target and allow the poison to seep in and do their damage. If you really hit your target where it counts, they'll probably think it through, and as we all know, thinking gets more and more damaging as you consider more and more.
Where I go, you can't follow. Where I am, you can't see. It's a decision hard-made to fly by yourself, but it really puts things in perspective. When you break away from everything and call introspection into play like I am trying to do with this, you realize that you have problems just like everyone else. I go below everyone's radar so that nobody else has to deal with my shit. So many other people need a crutch, need to tell someone their every problem, their every woe, think that they'll go insane if someone isn't there to comfort them. Problem is that problems multiply. That's why shrinks have to occasionally get peer evaluations, they listen to so many peoples' problems that they start getting to the shrink himself.
I still remember how I felt about things back then, and I still remember how I played my cards, and that brings me to my next problem...
What parts of me are the real me and which aspects of me are just cleverly manufactured in order to get what I want? I remember saying a lot of things all through time right up to the present day that I feel like I said just to get a benefit, to get something I was after. Playing to the crowd, I believe it is called. When we do this are we really ourselves at all, or just thinking of ourselves and singing in the key that the audience wants to hear so they throw the metaphorical rose at us? I recall some things I have said in the past and recognize that 1) I really only said it to get what I wanted 2) I wouldn't have said it otherwise. But is that a detatchment from myself or simply just myself in the mindset that... fark I don't even know, let me rephrase. It's about being fake. How far will we go being fake to please others, to get what we want, until we are so fake that we are no longer even ourself, but a synthesized personality created in order to get that which we are after? And if that fakeness is just a layer or shell, does it really even count as not the same?
Sincerity is equalled only by the source.
I mean, tabloid newspapers claim to be sincere, yeah? And they report the most ridiculous crap just to make money because people buy them for a laugh or out of sheer gullability. But they're still the tabloids nonetheless. They're after what they want but are so bloody fake, but there's nothing to see through because it is the purpose. Maybe that's a bad analogy but it's the best I can come up without stopping to think about it for a while (and I'm too tired to be doing that, I just want to let my thoughts fly right now).
So where am I going with all of this...
I really don't know.
I do know that for the first time in a long time, a few seconds ago, I felt like a weight was off. Felt some anxiety washed away. It came back but somehow it doesn't seem to be as heavy as it was a bit ago. Man... I really forgot how it feels to feel blank.
It feels good. Not the bad blank. But like there is nothing there, nothing wrong. As if, detatchment... yeah. I just remembered, that's what I am after.
Digressing from the old assembly of myself and going off on a new tangent, in order to become something better and stronger and ultimately more sane than I have been before. Sanity is good.
So, remember at the beginning paragraph when I said it would be clear why it seems written for an audience- the audience is myself, the writer is myself. In order to clear out my mind of those cobwebs that were slowing me down in everything I do.
Maybe I'm on to something.
Maybe I'm a whacked up freak-head that needs to be looked at through 2-inch thick plexiglass for the next 2 years until they figure out where the crazy pills are coming from.
Either way, I feel better.
Here's to not looking back...