[b.a.p] moments of doubt
Who: Himchan, Daehyun
What: 2500w, PG
Summary: for craic-specialist: Him Chan, fainting in public bc of diet. Please? :D ←and where food is mentioned, Daehyun will be.
Trigger warning: frank talk of abnormal eating habits? idk, it's nothing at all dire but just in case. (Wow this isn't at all what I was going for. ತ_ತ Might try it again later.)
*
"Eating again? Jung Daehyun, you're unbelievable," Himchan says, audible disgust in his voice. But it's twelve at night and he's wrapping a scarf around his neck, bomber jacket and jeans on.
"Yeah, I couldn't stay asleep so I decided to make something," Daehyun says, wolfing down the last of his Frankenstein leftovers-and-sauce concoction before he notices. "Wait. Hyung, where are you going?"
"Convenience store," Himchan says curtly. "Couldn't stay sleep so I decided to make something."
Daehyun gawps around the rice in his mouth, walking over to make a show of checking that Himchan is Himchan and hasn't been replaced by an alien. His diet of late is a rather strict and infamous thing-"You're going to eat? Past 8PM?"
Himchan bristles. "No, fuck you. I'm going to make food for Jonguppie's exams."
"Oh," Daehyun says and scrapes up the last grains of rice from his bowl. He glances around. Then after a beat, "I'll come with you."
"Like hell," Himchan glowers. "I want a quick trip, not you buying half the damn store to stuff your face with on the way back."
Daehyun grins disarmingly, pulling on someone's discarded Nike hoodie and a scarf of his own. "It won't be like that, hyung. Promise. I just wanna make something for Jonguppie too, okay?"
Himchan's glare intensifies but Daehyun is confident that more snacks for Jongup can't be a bad thing... and at length Himchan turns reluctantly away. "Fine," Himchan says. "You may accompany me. Just hurry the hell up, it's cold near the door for fuck's sake!"
"Yeah, yeah," Daehyun laughs, because Hungry Himchan is Angry Himchan and he barks so much louder than he bites.
The convenience store isn't too far away. Daehyun enjoys the brisk walk a lot more than Himchan does (a quick trip, okay?), but then one of them goes running at night when time allows, while the other strictly avoids any and all exercise that isn't written into their group schedule.
By the time they get there, Daehyun's nose is a little pink from the cold and exertion but Himchan's entire face is paler than the lunar surface. Daehyun pauses. Himchan's squinting, face tilted away from the bright storefront as if the light offends him-which isn't unusual since he's not a morning person, but the deep furrow in his brow is strange. Potential wrinkles are to be avoided at all costs and everyone knows Himchan is a great believer in this.
Daehyun opens his mouth to say something about it when suddenly Himchan sways like a strip of paper and for one short and terrifying second it looks like he's going to break his face on the concrete.
"Hyung?! Hey-!"
Daehyun's kneeling by Himchan's side the next moment, carried by reflex, though Himchan had managed to catch himself on the storefront recycling bin anyway-he's got a death grip on the metal edge of it, knuckles even whiter than his face as Daehyun insensibly tries to pry his hands away. (A bit of Youngjae must have infected his subconscious: public recycling bins are dirty. You can't just-)
"Hyung, are you okay," Daehyun says as he gets Himchan's hands into his own and holds them tight. They feel clammy in a distinctly different way from Himchan's usual chill-dried sweat kind of clammy, and may or may not be shaking a little. Maybe the shaking is just Daehyun. "Should I call Manager Kang? Are y'-. D'you need-wait, an ambulance?" He realises abruptly that neither of them are carrying the communal iPhone (god damnit, these dumb rookie rules) and starts glancing wildly around to see if he can hail a passer-by to lend them one. Until Himchan sits up and punches him weakly in the sternum. And sways. And then leans forward to rest his forehead on Daehyun's shoulder, breath still uneven.
Daehyun goes deathly still. "Hyung, d'you-"
"Just… shu…t. up," Himchan says slowly, softly. "'m fine. Just gimme a sec." His gravelly voice sounds very far away and Daehyun would possibly only be more freaked out if this were their venerable Leader instead, or possibly not even then because they've all seen Yongguk vulnerable before-the entire Power era was an exercise in walking on eggshells-but never Himchan. Not the Commander.
An indeterminate amount of time passes, though it's probably about five minutes judging by the way nothing's actually happened and Daehyun's legs are only just starting to go to sleep folded under him.
Himchan's breathing steadies and deepens against Daehyun's shoulder, and by the time he raises his head again his eyes have returned to their normal, near-sighted squint against the halogen lights-unfocused but not swimming, not glassy-and his skin has chilled with the remains of his cold sweat, but at least it's no longer almost translucent.
Daehyun allows himself a tentative breath. He pulls the scarf from around his neck and loops it around the one Himchan already wears, reaching out to brush Himchan's cheek as he does. Himchan turns away from the touch with downturned pouty lips, brows knitting just slightly in irritation-a normal Himchan frown. Okay.
"The hell was that just, hyung?" Daehyun asks, voice soft but flat. It's not like he's angry; he just doesn't handle it so well when people nearly die in front of him. "What the actual hell?" Because there they both are, sheet pale and kneeling on the freezing concrete outside a convenience store at dumb o'clock at night. Why?
Himchan just looks incredibly tired as he glances aside and mutters an answer. "Just low… something. Last ate at three, fucking baby spinach shit…" He rubs a hand over his face and all the air leaves him at once when his shoulders sag. "Just a miscalculation, my bad."
It's the heavy sigh that does Daehyun's head in, fact aside they've had five hours of dance practice since 3pm. Himchan's usually just so annoyed by the whole diet thing when he can't eat what he wants, but the sigh just sounds so utterly defeated…
"I- I'll go buy stuff," Daehyun says quickly, throwing himself back into normal mode because that's all he really knows how to do. "You gonna be 'kay just stayin' here? Don't like, push yourself or anythin', right…?" When Himchan huffs and rolls his eyes, Daehyun adds in mock defence, "Hey, just makin' sure! I ain't Jonguppie y'know, I can't carry you back if you pass out completely!"
"Yeah, yeah, you're weak as piss," Himchan grouses, which sounds much more like himself, though Daehyun knows things still aren't a hundred per cent when Himchan pulls out his wallet and waves Daehyun off airily with it and just leans back against the recycling bin with no effort made to get off the ground. "Go buy shit, I'll wait here."
His eyes close and Daehyun hesitates for a moment, but then figures nobody's likely to bother someone who looks like a passed out drunk… even a drunk as pretty as Himchan is. "I'll be quick," he promises, and disappears inside.
He quickly grabs the basics from the shelves: a pocket rice kit, pickles, more pickles, eggs and greens; and one familiar sports drink in an easy-grip bottle-full of electrolytes and crap, the stuff their choreographer recommends when they're all two steps from passing out on the practice room floor. Quick, quick, quick-
It's only been a couple minutes so Daehyun stops short in surprise upon leaving the store to find Himchan capping a small bottle of BB cream and patting over his cheeks with practised fingertips. It's weird-almost discordant-because his face suddenly looks good again, his skin a perfectly healthy tone and cleaned of sweat, his hair looking fresher and no longer stuck limply down at his temples… His mask back up.
"Back already, Daehyun-ah?" Himchan says, grinning up with familiar cheek. "Faster than I thought. And you've bought less than I figured you would, too."
"Why are you bothering with that?" Daehyun just wants to know, finally walking over. He gives Himchan back his wallet then presses the sports drink into his hands and gestures at the small makeup kit that Himchan tosses back into the bottom of his bag with everything else. "It's dumb o'clock in the morning. I can barely see you out here, nobody else is going to!"
Himchan just shrugs, nonchalant as he brushes off his jeans and they start heading back to the dorms. "In case anyone's up when we get back. The kids sometimes worry when I don't look like everything's under control, especially Junhong. I mean it's nice that they care and all, it's just unnecessary."
"…is everything not under control?" Daehyun asks carefully.
Himchan side-eyes him for a while as they walk. "This isn't an actual problem, if that's what you're trying to get at," he says at last. "It's not like I hate eating or anything, you know, or think I'm too fat anymore. It's just the fans that do."
Daehyun scoffs and rolls his eyes, making a show of it but uncomfortable inside because he'll never forget those days Youngjae was too upset to hold down a proper meal. Because of the fans. "You're such a fan-dummy it's unbelievable."
Himchan scoffs right back at him, ruthless. "So says the fool who ate himself into acne after that one wave of 'B.A.P was fine as five' hatemail."
"Yeah, well…" Daehyun says and sighs, and that's the end of that because there are just some things better not talked about. Like, sometimes, the fans.
The walk back is a lot slower than when they'd headed out, now that Himchan's setting the pace. It's leisurely and the silence between them is light. The night is nice. Himchan sips at his electrolytes every few dozen steps and Daehyun keeps his hands in his pockets, their small shopping haul swinging from one wrist as he looks up at the stars.
*
Back in the dorm kitchen, Daehyun puts two cups of rice in the cooker and sets about dicing the pickles as Himchan messes with his eggs and shallots, all as quietly as possible.
"Pickle?" Daehyun offers, munching on a slice of yellow radish. He holds a pink one out and is only half unsurprised when Himchan leans over from the stove and chomps it from Daehyun's plastic gloves. Electrolytes and pickles. Two for two. Three…?
"Taste this for me?" Daehyun says a little later when the first little tofu pocket is done, ingredients all through and rice packed in.
Himchan makes a noise of annoyance. "Stop trying to con me into eating, Jung Daehyun."
"I wasn't-"
Himchan snorts. "Your tricks are ineffective. I'm not stupid, you're perfectly capable of tasting those pockets yourself. Moreover, you actually want to."
Daehyun pouts at his tofu pocket and takes a big bite. It's hard to argue when Himchan speaks the truth. "Fine."
"This diet is a display of manly willpower, okay? Don't interfere," Himchan goes on. "And anyway, I like being slim. It keeps my sister motivated."
Daehyun laughs around his rice, disbelieving. "You are such a bitch, hyung. No wonder she likes Leader better. You know he'd say you both look good as you are."
"He who cheers when narrowly avoiding being crowned Most Butt-Ugly Member has no right to moral high ground," Himchan scowls. "Bbang's just jealous he is physically incapable of bulking up."
"You know, Jae and I also think you-"
"Shut up."
"Hey!"
"No, just shut up. I don't want to hear it."
"Hyung, you don't even know what I'm going to say!"
Himchan scoffs. "I know enough to tell it's just going to be rubbish, since you sprout nothing but."
Daehyun rolls his eyes and goes back to stuffing more tofu pockets. "Honest to god I don't know why we all bother with you sometimes, hyung."
The grin Himchan shoots over then is all teeth and fox eyes, self-possessed, and reminds Daehyun almost physically of back when they'd first met. When Daehyun had entered the studio and seen these five guys dancing this ridiculous Maori-stomp choreography six months out from D-day, and he'd stopped in his tracks because they'd been pretty much already perfect…
Whatever he'd been about to say dies in his throat and doesn't even come back when Himchan smirks and pats him lightly on the cheek. Daehyun just stares.
"That's the thing though, Daehyun-ah," Himchan says, dumping the fry pan into the sink and wiping his hands on a tea towel. He sets one bowl aside on the benchtop and holds another out with a spoon, waving it in front of Daehyun's face until Daehyun takes it. "You don't have to bother with me. It's cute that you actually care and all, but I got this."
"Hyung…?"
"That one's yours. Eat it and thank me. The other one's for Jonguppie. Touch it and die." Himchan walks off to the couch, stretching his arms. His shirt rides up and Daehyun stares a little more. "And now stuff your tofu pockets in silence so I can pretend I'm not really fucking hungry for like, three hours until dawn."
"…you sure, hyung?" Daehyun says, looking at the bowl of egg-shallot-rice in his hands and unsure what he's actually asking about-the diet or the caring or the food or the sharing…
"Positive," Himchan replies anyway, settling himself on the couch. He crosses his hands behind his head and closes his eyes. "Now shut up."
"Okay," Daehyun says, "Thanks," and tries a spoonful of Himchan's peace-offering thank-you food-gift whatever… It's not bad. Daehyun shrugs to himself and shovels the rest of it gracelessly into his mouth. If Himchan's so sure, then less men, more share.
What: 2500w, PG
Summary: for craic-specialist: Him Chan, fainting in public bc of diet. Please? :D ←and where food is mentioned, Daehyun will be.
Trigger warning: frank talk of abnormal eating habits? idk, it's nothing at all dire but just in case. (Wow this isn't at all what I was going for. ತ_ತ Might try it again later.)
*
"Eating again? Jung Daehyun, you're unbelievable," Himchan says, audible disgust in his voice. But it's twelve at night and he's wrapping a scarf around his neck, bomber jacket and jeans on.
"Yeah, I couldn't stay asleep so I decided to make something," Daehyun says, wolfing down the last of his Frankenstein leftovers-and-sauce concoction before he notices. "Wait. Hyung, where are you going?"
"Convenience store," Himchan says curtly. "Couldn't stay sleep so I decided to make something."
Daehyun gawps around the rice in his mouth, walking over to make a show of checking that Himchan is Himchan and hasn't been replaced by an alien. His diet of late is a rather strict and infamous thing-"You're going to eat? Past 8PM?"
Himchan bristles. "No, fuck you. I'm going to make food for Jonguppie's exams."
"Oh," Daehyun says and scrapes up the last grains of rice from his bowl. He glances around. Then after a beat, "I'll come with you."
"Like hell," Himchan glowers. "I want a quick trip, not you buying half the damn store to stuff your face with on the way back."
Daehyun grins disarmingly, pulling on someone's discarded Nike hoodie and a scarf of his own. "It won't be like that, hyung. Promise. I just wanna make something for Jonguppie too, okay?"
Himchan's glare intensifies but Daehyun is confident that more snacks for Jongup can't be a bad thing... and at length Himchan turns reluctantly away. "Fine," Himchan says. "You may accompany me. Just hurry the hell up, it's cold near the door for fuck's sake!"
"Yeah, yeah," Daehyun laughs, because Hungry Himchan is Angry Himchan and he barks so much louder than he bites.
The convenience store isn't too far away. Daehyun enjoys the brisk walk a lot more than Himchan does (a quick trip, okay?), but then one of them goes running at night when time allows, while the other strictly avoids any and all exercise that isn't written into their group schedule.
By the time they get there, Daehyun's nose is a little pink from the cold and exertion but Himchan's entire face is paler than the lunar surface. Daehyun pauses. Himchan's squinting, face tilted away from the bright storefront as if the light offends him-which isn't unusual since he's not a morning person, but the deep furrow in his brow is strange. Potential wrinkles are to be avoided at all costs and everyone knows Himchan is a great believer in this.
Daehyun opens his mouth to say something about it when suddenly Himchan sways like a strip of paper and for one short and terrifying second it looks like he's going to break his face on the concrete.
"Hyung?! Hey-!"
Daehyun's kneeling by Himchan's side the next moment, carried by reflex, though Himchan had managed to catch himself on the storefront recycling bin anyway-he's got a death grip on the metal edge of it, knuckles even whiter than his face as Daehyun insensibly tries to pry his hands away. (A bit of Youngjae must have infected his subconscious: public recycling bins are dirty. You can't just-)
"Hyung, are you okay," Daehyun says as he gets Himchan's hands into his own and holds them tight. They feel clammy in a distinctly different way from Himchan's usual chill-dried sweat kind of clammy, and may or may not be shaking a little. Maybe the shaking is just Daehyun. "Should I call Manager Kang? Are y'-. D'you need-wait, an ambulance?" He realises abruptly that neither of them are carrying the communal iPhone (god damnit, these dumb rookie rules) and starts glancing wildly around to see if he can hail a passer-by to lend them one. Until Himchan sits up and punches him weakly in the sternum. And sways. And then leans forward to rest his forehead on Daehyun's shoulder, breath still uneven.
Daehyun goes deathly still. "Hyung, d'you-"
"Just… shu…t. up," Himchan says slowly, softly. "'m fine. Just gimme a sec." His gravelly voice sounds very far away and Daehyun would possibly only be more freaked out if this were their venerable Leader instead, or possibly not even then because they've all seen Yongguk vulnerable before-the entire Power era was an exercise in walking on eggshells-but never Himchan. Not the Commander.
An indeterminate amount of time passes, though it's probably about five minutes judging by the way nothing's actually happened and Daehyun's legs are only just starting to go to sleep folded under him.
Himchan's breathing steadies and deepens against Daehyun's shoulder, and by the time he raises his head again his eyes have returned to their normal, near-sighted squint against the halogen lights-unfocused but not swimming, not glassy-and his skin has chilled with the remains of his cold sweat, but at least it's no longer almost translucent.
Daehyun allows himself a tentative breath. He pulls the scarf from around his neck and loops it around the one Himchan already wears, reaching out to brush Himchan's cheek as he does. Himchan turns away from the touch with downturned pouty lips, brows knitting just slightly in irritation-a normal Himchan frown. Okay.
"The hell was that just, hyung?" Daehyun asks, voice soft but flat. It's not like he's angry; he just doesn't handle it so well when people nearly die in front of him. "What the actual hell?" Because there they both are, sheet pale and kneeling on the freezing concrete outside a convenience store at dumb o'clock at night. Why?
Himchan just looks incredibly tired as he glances aside and mutters an answer. "Just low… something. Last ate at three, fucking baby spinach shit…" He rubs a hand over his face and all the air leaves him at once when his shoulders sag. "Just a miscalculation, my bad."
It's the heavy sigh that does Daehyun's head in, fact aside they've had five hours of dance practice since 3pm. Himchan's usually just so annoyed by the whole diet thing when he can't eat what he wants, but the sigh just sounds so utterly defeated…
"I- I'll go buy stuff," Daehyun says quickly, throwing himself back into normal mode because that's all he really knows how to do. "You gonna be 'kay just stayin' here? Don't like, push yourself or anythin', right…?" When Himchan huffs and rolls his eyes, Daehyun adds in mock defence, "Hey, just makin' sure! I ain't Jonguppie y'know, I can't carry you back if you pass out completely!"
"Yeah, yeah, you're weak as piss," Himchan grouses, which sounds much more like himself, though Daehyun knows things still aren't a hundred per cent when Himchan pulls out his wallet and waves Daehyun off airily with it and just leans back against the recycling bin with no effort made to get off the ground. "Go buy shit, I'll wait here."
His eyes close and Daehyun hesitates for a moment, but then figures nobody's likely to bother someone who looks like a passed out drunk… even a drunk as pretty as Himchan is. "I'll be quick," he promises, and disappears inside.
He quickly grabs the basics from the shelves: a pocket rice kit, pickles, more pickles, eggs and greens; and one familiar sports drink in an easy-grip bottle-full of electrolytes and crap, the stuff their choreographer recommends when they're all two steps from passing out on the practice room floor. Quick, quick, quick-
It's only been a couple minutes so Daehyun stops short in surprise upon leaving the store to find Himchan capping a small bottle of BB cream and patting over his cheeks with practised fingertips. It's weird-almost discordant-because his face suddenly looks good again, his skin a perfectly healthy tone and cleaned of sweat, his hair looking fresher and no longer stuck limply down at his temples… His mask back up.
"Back already, Daehyun-ah?" Himchan says, grinning up with familiar cheek. "Faster than I thought. And you've bought less than I figured you would, too."
"Why are you bothering with that?" Daehyun just wants to know, finally walking over. He gives Himchan back his wallet then presses the sports drink into his hands and gestures at the small makeup kit that Himchan tosses back into the bottom of his bag with everything else. "It's dumb o'clock in the morning. I can barely see you out here, nobody else is going to!"
Himchan just shrugs, nonchalant as he brushes off his jeans and they start heading back to the dorms. "In case anyone's up when we get back. The kids sometimes worry when I don't look like everything's under control, especially Junhong. I mean it's nice that they care and all, it's just unnecessary."
"…is everything not under control?" Daehyun asks carefully.
Himchan side-eyes him for a while as they walk. "This isn't an actual problem, if that's what you're trying to get at," he says at last. "It's not like I hate eating or anything, you know, or think I'm too fat anymore. It's just the fans that do."
Daehyun scoffs and rolls his eyes, making a show of it but uncomfortable inside because he'll never forget those days Youngjae was too upset to hold down a proper meal. Because of the fans. "You're such a fan-dummy it's unbelievable."
Himchan scoffs right back at him, ruthless. "So says the fool who ate himself into acne after that one wave of 'B.A.P was fine as five' hatemail."
"Yeah, well…" Daehyun says and sighs, and that's the end of that because there are just some things better not talked about. Like, sometimes, the fans.
The walk back is a lot slower than when they'd headed out, now that Himchan's setting the pace. It's leisurely and the silence between them is light. The night is nice. Himchan sips at his electrolytes every few dozen steps and Daehyun keeps his hands in his pockets, their small shopping haul swinging from one wrist as he looks up at the stars.
*
Back in the dorm kitchen, Daehyun puts two cups of rice in the cooker and sets about dicing the pickles as Himchan messes with his eggs and shallots, all as quietly as possible.
"Pickle?" Daehyun offers, munching on a slice of yellow radish. He holds a pink one out and is only half unsurprised when Himchan leans over from the stove and chomps it from Daehyun's plastic gloves. Electrolytes and pickles. Two for two. Three…?
"Taste this for me?" Daehyun says a little later when the first little tofu pocket is done, ingredients all through and rice packed in.
Himchan makes a noise of annoyance. "Stop trying to con me into eating, Jung Daehyun."
"I wasn't-"
Himchan snorts. "Your tricks are ineffective. I'm not stupid, you're perfectly capable of tasting those pockets yourself. Moreover, you actually want to."
Daehyun pouts at his tofu pocket and takes a big bite. It's hard to argue when Himchan speaks the truth. "Fine."
"This diet is a display of manly willpower, okay? Don't interfere," Himchan goes on. "And anyway, I like being slim. It keeps my sister motivated."
Daehyun laughs around his rice, disbelieving. "You are such a bitch, hyung. No wonder she likes Leader better. You know he'd say you both look good as you are."
"He who cheers when narrowly avoiding being crowned Most Butt-Ugly Member has no right to moral high ground," Himchan scowls. "Bbang's just jealous he is physically incapable of bulking up."
"You know, Jae and I also think you-"
"Shut up."
"Hey!"
"No, just shut up. I don't want to hear it."
"Hyung, you don't even know what I'm going to say!"
Himchan scoffs. "I know enough to tell it's just going to be rubbish, since you sprout nothing but."
Daehyun rolls his eyes and goes back to stuffing more tofu pockets. "Honest to god I don't know why we all bother with you sometimes, hyung."
The grin Himchan shoots over then is all teeth and fox eyes, self-possessed, and reminds Daehyun almost physically of back when they'd first met. When Daehyun had entered the studio and seen these five guys dancing this ridiculous Maori-stomp choreography six months out from D-day, and he'd stopped in his tracks because they'd been pretty much already perfect…
Whatever he'd been about to say dies in his throat and doesn't even come back when Himchan smirks and pats him lightly on the cheek. Daehyun just stares.
"That's the thing though, Daehyun-ah," Himchan says, dumping the fry pan into the sink and wiping his hands on a tea towel. He sets one bowl aside on the benchtop and holds another out with a spoon, waving it in front of Daehyun's face until Daehyun takes it. "You don't have to bother with me. It's cute that you actually care and all, but I got this."
"Hyung…?"
"That one's yours. Eat it and thank me. The other one's for Jonguppie. Touch it and die." Himchan walks off to the couch, stretching his arms. His shirt rides up and Daehyun stares a little more. "And now stuff your tofu pockets in silence so I can pretend I'm not really fucking hungry for like, three hours until dawn."
"…you sure, hyung?" Daehyun says, looking at the bowl of egg-shallot-rice in his hands and unsure what he's actually asking about-the diet or the caring or the food or the sharing…
"Positive," Himchan replies anyway, settling himself on the couch. He crosses his hands behind his head and closes his eyes. "Now shut up."
"Okay," Daehyun says, "Thanks," and tries a spoonful of Himchan's peace-offering thank-you food-gift whatever… It's not bad. Daehyun shrugs to himself and shovels the rest of it gracelessly into his mouth. If Himchan's so sure, then less men, more share.