[b.a.p] behind every great man
Who: Yongguk, Himchan (+Youngjae)
What: 3500w, PG... fluff.
Summary: Himchan gets himself injured. Unsurprisingly, he's not the only one who has a hard time handling it. Maybe surprisingly, Yongguk is also going out of his mind. (It's only around Himchan that Yongguk doesn't have to be that perfect idol, that good example, because they're just same-age friends.)
BFF BangHim from the angle that's kinda... when your other half isn't around, sometimes you feel all (ಠ__ಠ) even if it's not like you have to kiss them or anything, you know? Something's still missing. If Himchan had been on the recent Weekly Idol, I'm half certain he's the only one who'd have said 'yes' when asked if he'd seen Yongguk angry lol. True BL is a faceful of insults. craic-specialist: this isn't the Q thing you asked for but it's probably the closest i can get, sorry. x_x
*
Himchan doesn't think too much of it when he slips on the ice-he's a little clumsy so he's done worse before and landed harder-there's no ominous crack or anything though it does hurt like a bitch. He climbs into the car (Take 2, success!) and cradles his hand on the way home, ignoring the pounding headache that soon tries to break out of his skull.
He complains about it to the members. His hand fucking aches, of course he complains.
But then trying to brush his teeth that night almost brings him to tears and none of the painkillers are working. He avoids Yongguk's suspicious gaze and sneaks out of the dorm with the communal phone, finally swallowing his pride (and maybe terror) enough to give their manager a call.
"Yeah, room service~" Kang answers on the second ring, tone playful. "Which one of you is it this time?"
Himchan leans against the wall and tries to collect himself in the cold night air, wondering why it's suddenly so hard to breathe. He's dizzy and everything just-. It's not panic, is it? What's there to panic about, he's just-. "Hyung…" he says, sounding faint to his own ears, "listen, I… don't hate me or anything but I think I might've fucked up…"
Kang sobers instantly. "Channie-?"
Half an hour later they're on the way to the hospital. There's scans and x-rays and waiting around, then it's four in the morning and Himchan barely needs the anaesthetic before he's passed out on the operating table.
He doesn't see Kang again after that, or the members. His mother's by his side when he wakes up and Himchan asks (slurs) if he's dreaming. (He's not Junhong though-he doesn't dream about his parents anymore, does he?)
His mother looks relieved, her eyes misting up, and a lump lodges in Himchan's throat as the guilt comes crashing down all over again. (Oh crap, it is his mom. What's he-. Was it really that bad? Are-) Gently, she brushes his bangs back from his face and sighs, "Himchan-ah, my big baby. What am I ever going to do with you."
"I don't know, Mom," he croaks out, voice raspier than usual.
His mother shakes her head. "And you've gotten so thin again. We're going to have to fix that, too."
*
Being home is hard.
Not least because, shit, there's metal in his hand and it fucking hurts.
The managers have collectively ordered comm silence until after One Shot drops, and Himchan's going crazy not being able to reply to everyone on Twitter and the message boards and-.
Jongup's birthday passes.
Then there's Jongup's graduation.
"Stay home," Kang says.
"I can wear mittens," Himchan says-begs. "Please, it's Jonguppie's…"
"No," Kang says, soft but firm. "Himchannie, you need rest. And we need to be as honest with the fans as we can. That means not hiding."
Himchan bites his lip.
Jongup is his second favourite person in the world.
*
Days after Himchan's midnight Cinderella stunt there's still no word from him apart from Kang's report, no messages, no emails, no calls, and Yongguk finds himself fraying mentally a bit.
He's trying to keep an even temper but the pressure's making the gears in his head grind and the one person he usually talks things through with is very cause of the problem this time around. Kinda daebak sageon, except not fantastic. He doesn't want to call first because what's there to say? 'Hi, how are you?' If Himchan were fine, he'd be back. Or at least on IM. Kang'd said Himchan needed rest. So he should get rest, which also means Yongguk not bothering him; but the kids are out of hand with Daehyun and Youngjae being unreasonably loud, and Jongup wandering around alternately lost and also unreasonably loud with Junhong because Himchan isn't there to monopolise his time.
Yongguk doesn't miss the sound of Himchan's voice. He doesn't.
What he does miss is the sound of Himchan enforcing some order around the dorm without Yongguk having to be the bad guy and bark the balls off everyone himself all the time. He doesn't know how having one less person around can actually make their tiny apartment seem smaller, but without Himchan it definitely feels that way.
Yongguk makes an escape (another escape) from the claustrophobia, pulling on a scarf and somebody's sneakers by the door while trying to multitask on the iPad.
when r u back? u just disappeared n never said anything, he types and, okay, so maybe initiating a chat while irritable isn't his best ever idea but he's long past the stage of handling Himchan Situations sensibly.
A notification flashes when he's down the stairs and Yongguk brings it up expecting (too optimistically) to see a 'tomorrow, idiot' or 'when you ask me nicely.' What he's not expecting is a three-letter response: idk, not even accompanied by any of Himchan's trademark smilies.
Yongguk feels his frustrations build. wat do you mean u don't know
It's not that he can't handle the extra workload Himchan's absence brings. Work, whatever-he's not allowed home for the Lunar New Year anyway so it doesn't make a difference. It's the uncertainty of the work that's really getting to him. If Himchan's back, their dance will have to be changed to accommodate his injury. If Himchan's not back, the dance will have to change a different way. But will it just be One Shot? What about the concert? Rehearsals? Will Himchan sit off to the side and sing, or will someone else sing for him? Or nobody? If no one's going to, backing tracks will have to be altered.
How will they apologise to the fans? Who's going to apologise? It's Himchan's problem, but Yongguk is leader and-
He's halfway to the studio when Himchan finally replies in four small pings.
it mean idk
enjoy
ur
#happynewwork
Yongguk stares at the iPad in disbelief, unsure what to type back. He doesn't think replying with just 'wow thanks' would adequately convey the amount of bitter sarcasm he's feeling at the moment, but he's saved from the problem when Himchan calls him.
"Typing's haaard, Gukkie…" Himchan says, because typically the first thing out of his mouth in any unpleasant situation is a complaint, but then again he sounds half dead so Yongguk holds back on a lecture. For now.
"How many drugs did you take," Yongguk frowns, talking at the iPad and ignoring any funny looks as he stomps down the street. "You sound like you've inhaled a pharmacy."
"Because hurts," Himchan replies, the spoiled pout audible in his voice. "Guk, they stuck metal in my hand and it hurts."
Yongguk figures he could probably stand to have more sympathy since around a year ago he'd had a chunk cut out of his own hand and yeah, it had fucking caned for ages after. Except, Himchan is at home. In his bed. For the New Year. And is getting taken care of by his parents.
And really, they only stuck metal in his hand because he was an utter klutz despite all the times Yongguk's told them all to be careful careful careful, and Yongguk just really wants to strangle him. (Except he can't because that's mean and leaders can't be mean, which makes Yongguk just want to strangle himself.)
"Suck it up, Princess," he grumbles instead, swiping himself into the company building. "You'll live, really. Enjoy thinking up how you're going to front the Babys Tribunal. You know some of them are saying you've quit? Though the one who alleged you'd died was funnier."
Himchan makes an irritated noise, or maybe that's just bad reception from Yongguk taking the stairs down one floor. "Do you want to be any more of an asshole right now, Yongguk? I can't even use a mouse or chopsticks, okay, so it's not exactly like I'm in paradise here either. And I know what the Babys are saying."
"Right, 'cause you've got all the time in the world right now to just sit on the internet and-"
Himchan hangs up.
Yongguk swears under his breath when the iPad signals a call disconnect. Fucking… Kim Himchan. He ignores the part of the argument that was his own fault. (Technically all of it. Maybe he should apologise. (Maybe later.))
98% of Yongguk just wants to pass out on the couch, but there's work to be done and sleep is for the weak so he hauls himself over to the keyboard and digs around for his most recent stack of staved sheets.
Not that it helps.
#happynewwork his frustrated ass. All Yongguk gets out of the next three long hours is a handful of painfully cliché rhymes and one very angry riff that maybe Kibum or one of the other hyungs will be able to beat into shape later.
His attention keeps returning to the iPad on the couch and after ripping up his fifth straight sheet of paper Yongguk finally gives in and puts his pencil down.
He's not surprised when his return call is picked up within seconds as if Himchan hadn't been the one to end their conversation earlier.
One of them is a needy bastard and it is not Bang Yongguk.
"Yes?" Himchan says imperiously, and the silence stretches on for a bit because Himchan won't say anything else until Yongguk has apologised. This is familiar territory. They've had similar fights before.
Yongguk sighs heavily and rubs at his eyes, reining in his temper and frustration. He's barely slept in days but that's no excuse for shitty behaviour. Not from an adult. "…right," he says. "I'm sorry, Channie."
"I'm grumpy," Himchan mutters and Yongguk really fucking wishes they were in the same room so he could punch him. (And also so they could just be in the same room and none of this would be an actual problem.)
"You're stupid," Yongguk says with feeling. "How are you such a clumsy fuck, I thought you were a drummer!"
"What the fuck has my major got to do with getting into a car!" Himchan snaps right back and Yongguk honest to god doesn't know how to respond to that because of the sheer stupidity. It hurts. Everything hurts and he's not even the one who's fractured anything except maybe his brain.
"…at least you didn't break your face, I guess," he says at length. "Since you're a shit enough visual as it is, what with shaving your head and making crazy eyes all the time-"
"I shaved my head once, you asshat-"
"-can't have that perfect nose out of joint."
"At least I still would've been able to dance with a broken nose," Himchan grumbles. "It would've added to my manly charm."
"Your… your manly charm," Yongguk repeats deadpan before chuckling a little. It's not actually that funny but he can't help it. The phrase is just too precious coming from the daft shit he calls a best friend. "Right. My apologies, Princess Manly-chan."
"Shut up. You deserve to be shot," Himchan grumbles. "I want to hurt you."
"But you can't, can you," Yongguk taunts, entirely too amused given the situation. "You broke your hand."
"I did not break my-argh! Shut up! I hate you!"
Yongguk snickers. "I know."
"…not really."
"Heh. I know."
"Asshole."
"As you've said…"
The silence trails into a long pause, which is unusual for any conversation Himchan's involved in and Yongguk listens, trying to judge if he's supposed to apologise again or if Himchan's just lost in rare actual thought. At length it turns out to be the latter: "…'m going back to hospital tomorrow," Himchan says, voice quiet.
Yongguk feels his eyebrows rise. "What for?"
"Just a checkup. But if they say I can dance-even if it's not the full choreo-I'll do it, I promise."
He sounds like puppy who's peed his own bed, all despondent, and Yongguk can't help a little surge of fondness alongside the fundamental urge to wring his neck. "So eager to get back to work?" he asks. "Last I heard, you were complaining we never get time off again."
"That's… it's not like I'm missing practice or company soccer here, you know, Guk," Himchan says and actually sounds upset. "I did the practice! This is stage, like. What I was born for!" His voice drops a little. "I mean, what we were all born for. Y'nam sayin'?"
Yongguk rolls his eyes. "Stop quoting my lines," he says, but feels a lingering smile tug at his mouth. "You ought to sleep while you can, Channie. Uh… what was it some smartarse said? 'When you need to rest, rest. Always do your best'…?"
"Oh, you think you're sooo~ clever, Bbang," Himchan scoffs. "Stop quoting my lines."
"Uh-huh. How about you try listening to yourself sometime," Yongguk says then pauses, guilty remembering that other thing he'd wanted to say: "I mean it though. You need your right hand for-. Not that. Jesus, Himchan, keep your mind out of the gutter for five seconds. I'm trying to be serious here!" Yongguk takes a deep breath and ignores Himchan's current mental age of thirteen. "I mean for your actual instruments: they're your livelihood. Nobody is gonna appreciate you rushing your recovery and fucking up your hands for life." Because that much is true.
"No, I know," Himchan says quietly, and it sounds like he's already thought about this. Yongguk dismisses the few disjointed thoughts bouncing around his head about one shot at stardom, and missed things like opportunities-rank and money don't matter when it comes to music, and anyway Himchan's always thought of music as more of a language than anything else. He was a musician by trade long before B.A.P was ever conceived and Yongguk knows he'll definitely still be performing long, long after they fade from the limelight… Popularity is one thing but talent is entirely another, so…
"Ugh…" Yongguk mutters, trying and once again failing to organise the perpetual mess of thoughts in his head. He presses at his temples, grateful that Himchan is more than used to his occasional lapses.
"You're alright, Bbang," Himchan says, voice calm. "You're alright…"
"…yeah. Sorry."
"So… you don't want me back?" Himchan says. His tone is light, but Yongguk knows him better than that.
"Of course I want you back," he grumbles, slouching down into the couch. "I want you back yesterday. The dorm is chaos with Daehyun oldest while I'm out; there are four tubs of ice cream in the freezer and I don't even know why. I mean, who the hell gave him money for that shit? He shouldn't be using his mother's card for things like that-"
Himchan's laughter is a rough and roguish sound but Yongguk can't help thinking it's the sweetest thing he's heard lately. So, okay, maybe he does miss it. Maybe he misses Himchan-the-person just as much as Himchan-the-dumb-mom-who-keeps-the-dumb-kids-in-line. Maybe he's a little bit lonely by himself. After all, he's always had Yongnam by his side, then Maslo, and these days Himchan's the contemporary he's come to count on completely…
The thought that it seems he can't do anything by himself kind of annoys Yongguk no end. But that's human nature, isn't it, he thinks. Anger at weakness; desire for friendship, solidarity, intimacy. Emotions aren't rational.
"This isn't funny anymore," he decides. "If you come back a Fatchan because of your mother's cooking, I'm going to donate all your clothes to Junhongie and feed Daehyun your fan gifts for a month."
Himchan makes a scandalised sound. "Bang Yongguk… I am going to send you photos of every single amazing thing my mother cooks. From three different angles."
"Ha. I'll just forward them to Daehyun and subsist on his tears of pain," Yongguk retorts, and smiles when Himchan laughs at the lame joke.
He's a little bit surprised when the iPad pings with a FaceTime request though. "What?"
"…wanted to see you," Himchan says when they reconnect, pouting with puffy cheeks exactly the way he knows Yongguk hates.
Yongguk rolls his eyes. "Who says I wanted to see you though? You look like shit." He half means it as a joke but frowns as soon as the words leave his mouth because they're actually true. If anything, Himchan's lost weight since his accident and Yongguk's not at all pleased to see the ever-present dark rings still beneath his eyes. What's the point of him being at home if he's not even resting properly?
"Of course I look like shit, I don't have any makeup on," Himchan huffs.
"That's got nothing to do with it and you know it," Yongguk says darkly. "Have you even been sleeping?"
Himchan frowns and moves his phone to the headboard, shifting on his pillows so he's on his tummy staring at it. "I had a lot to think about, okay? But I've finished writing what I want to tell the Babys when management says I can, and I got to talk to you today, so…" He gives a lopsided smile. "Maybe tonight will be better."
"Why didn't you call earlier then?" Yongguk says gruffly, trying to hide whatever emotion it is that's threatening to close his throat. "If you wanted to talk…" Hell, I wanted to talk.
"Because you're busy, aren't you?" Himchan says softly. "I remember the schedule and I doubt I've made it any better by not being there."
"Yeah, but it's nothing we can't handle," Yongguk lies. "Nothing we haven't done before."
"I still wish I could help out…"
Yongguk lets a grin curve the side of his mouth. "We don't need help from an idiot who can't even get from A to B without breaking shit."
"I'm sorry okay…" Himchan says, frowning. He's trying to scowl but his eyelids are clearly so heavy it's barely a dull squint and Yongguk's smile softens a little.
"You should sleep, Channie."
"No," Himchan mutters stubbornly. "I'm not going anywhere. You're finally here. I don't want to."
Yongguk flicks at the iPad camera since it's about the closest he can get to abusing Himchan for his stupidity right now. "Go to sleep."
"No."
"Go to sleep."
"No."
"What if I stay here."
"No. What… wait." Himchan forces his head back up from his pillow, squinting some more, and Yongguk can't help a fond smile.
"What if I don't go anywhere."
Himchan shifts onto his side and props his phone up against the wall so he can still see it. "Would you stay, Bbang…?"
Yongguk chuckles. "If it'll help you sleep, you big baby."
"Don't call me that, you're not my mom," Himchan mumbles, focusing only long enough to make his demands heard: "Then leave the light on. I expect to be able to see you still when I wake up."
"Depends when you wake up, Princess," Yongguk snorts. "We have schedules to meet over here, you know, unlike some people."
"Yeah, schedules, whatever," Himchan says. "Then you better rest too 'n not just watch me all night like a creep…"
"Please, don't flatter yourself."
"Oh… 's right, you only watch Jieun…"
Yongguk laughs. "Stop talking before I'm forced to go over there and smother you."
"Hn," Himchan says, or maybe it's the start of a snore. He doesn't say anything else after that; and since it's just the two of them, if Yongguk does want to watch for a little while (like a creep) before his own eyelids start to grow heavy, nobody can say if he does or does not.
*
It's past midnight when Youngjae pops back into the dorm after a short netcafé session and quickly realises their leader still isn't back yet. This isn't too unusual-in all likelihood it just means Yongguk is at the studio, either still working or having fallen asleep there. A quick tally of the blankets in the bedroom tells Youngjae none of them are missing.
He considers his options for a moment before shoving a blanket into a backpack and heading back out. The studio's only two blocks away after all. It can't hurt to check.
And his suspicions prove right.
He discovers Yongguk curled up on the studio couch like a five-year-old, face squashed into the backrest against the bright ceiling light that's still on…
The iPad is propped loosely in his hand and onscreen Himchan snores softly, gently backlit by a bedroom lamp. Youngjae can't help a small smile. His hyungs are so dumb… Cute, but dumb.
As carefully as possible, Youngjae extracts the iPad and drapes the blanket he brought over Yongguk before leaving the room, making a mental note to buy some ramen and bring it over if Yongguk still isn't back by morning.
He messages Himchan on the way home.
Hyung, I turned off the light and ended the call, just in case you made Yongguk-hyung promise something weird. So don't be angry at him. He hasn't been sleeping well but taking care of him is hard because you're really the only one he talks to when he gets stressed, heh. Please rest and recover quickly. I'm trying my best to be a stand-in but Daehyun was right: you're our real mom and we need you back. So see you soon, hyung. We miss you. YJ
Pocketing the phone, Youngjae shrugs out the kinks in his shoulders and enjoys the crisp (okay, freezing) late-night air on his walk back to the dorm.
They'll manage of course, as a five-man unit, despite the choreography and whatever else that has to be worked out. Youngjae's pretty confident. He already knows Himchan's lines and dance positions just in case-everybody does-and anyway they're relatively well-seasoned rookies by now so even improvising shouldn't be too much of a problem…
It's not a problem.
But without Himchan around it just isn't the same.
What: 3500w, PG... fluff.
Summary: Himchan gets himself injured. Unsurprisingly, he's not the only one who has a hard time handling it. Maybe surprisingly, Yongguk is also going out of his mind. (It's only around Himchan that Yongguk doesn't have to be that perfect idol, that good example, because they're just same-age friends.)
BFF BangHim from the angle that's kinda... when your other half isn't around, sometimes you feel all (ಠ__ಠ) even if it's not like you have to kiss them or anything, you know? Something's still missing. If Himchan had been on the recent Weekly Idol, I'm half certain he's the only one who'd have said 'yes' when asked if he'd seen Yongguk angry lol. True BL is a faceful of insults. craic-specialist: this isn't the Q thing you asked for but it's probably the closest i can get, sorry. x_x
*
Himchan doesn't think too much of it when he slips on the ice-he's a little clumsy so he's done worse before and landed harder-there's no ominous crack or anything though it does hurt like a bitch. He climbs into the car (Take 2, success!) and cradles his hand on the way home, ignoring the pounding headache that soon tries to break out of his skull.
He complains about it to the members. His hand fucking aches, of course he complains.
But then trying to brush his teeth that night almost brings him to tears and none of the painkillers are working. He avoids Yongguk's suspicious gaze and sneaks out of the dorm with the communal phone, finally swallowing his pride (and maybe terror) enough to give their manager a call.
"Yeah, room service~" Kang answers on the second ring, tone playful. "Which one of you is it this time?"
Himchan leans against the wall and tries to collect himself in the cold night air, wondering why it's suddenly so hard to breathe. He's dizzy and everything just-. It's not panic, is it? What's there to panic about, he's just-. "Hyung…" he says, sounding faint to his own ears, "listen, I… don't hate me or anything but I think I might've fucked up…"
Kang sobers instantly. "Channie-?"
Half an hour later they're on the way to the hospital. There's scans and x-rays and waiting around, then it's four in the morning and Himchan barely needs the anaesthetic before he's passed out on the operating table.
He doesn't see Kang again after that, or the members. His mother's by his side when he wakes up and Himchan asks (slurs) if he's dreaming. (He's not Junhong though-he doesn't dream about his parents anymore, does he?)
His mother looks relieved, her eyes misting up, and a lump lodges in Himchan's throat as the guilt comes crashing down all over again. (Oh crap, it is his mom. What's he-. Was it really that bad? Are-) Gently, she brushes his bangs back from his face and sighs, "Himchan-ah, my big baby. What am I ever going to do with you."
"I don't know, Mom," he croaks out, voice raspier than usual.
His mother shakes her head. "And you've gotten so thin again. We're going to have to fix that, too."
*
Being home is hard.
Not least because, shit, there's metal in his hand and it fucking hurts.
The managers have collectively ordered comm silence until after One Shot drops, and Himchan's going crazy not being able to reply to everyone on Twitter and the message boards and-.
Jongup's birthday passes.
Then there's Jongup's graduation.
"Stay home," Kang says.
"I can wear mittens," Himchan says-begs. "Please, it's Jonguppie's…"
"No," Kang says, soft but firm. "Himchannie, you need rest. And we need to be as honest with the fans as we can. That means not hiding."
Himchan bites his lip.
Jongup is his second favourite person in the world.
*
Days after Himchan's midnight Cinderella stunt there's still no word from him apart from Kang's report, no messages, no emails, no calls, and Yongguk finds himself fraying mentally a bit.
He's trying to keep an even temper but the pressure's making the gears in his head grind and the one person he usually talks things through with is very cause of the problem this time around. Kinda daebak sageon, except not fantastic. He doesn't want to call first because what's there to say? 'Hi, how are you?' If Himchan were fine, he'd be back. Or at least on IM. Kang'd said Himchan needed rest. So he should get rest, which also means Yongguk not bothering him; but the kids are out of hand with Daehyun and Youngjae being unreasonably loud, and Jongup wandering around alternately lost and also unreasonably loud with Junhong because Himchan isn't there to monopolise his time.
Yongguk doesn't miss the sound of Himchan's voice. He doesn't.
What he does miss is the sound of Himchan enforcing some order around the dorm without Yongguk having to be the bad guy and bark the balls off everyone himself all the time. He doesn't know how having one less person around can actually make their tiny apartment seem smaller, but without Himchan it definitely feels that way.
Yongguk makes an escape (another escape) from the claustrophobia, pulling on a scarf and somebody's sneakers by the door while trying to multitask on the iPad.
when r u back? u just disappeared n never said anything, he types and, okay, so maybe initiating a chat while irritable isn't his best ever idea but he's long past the stage of handling Himchan Situations sensibly.
A notification flashes when he's down the stairs and Yongguk brings it up expecting (too optimistically) to see a 'tomorrow, idiot' or 'when you ask me nicely.' What he's not expecting is a three-letter response: idk, not even accompanied by any of Himchan's trademark smilies.
Yongguk feels his frustrations build. wat do you mean u don't know
It's not that he can't handle the extra workload Himchan's absence brings. Work, whatever-he's not allowed home for the Lunar New Year anyway so it doesn't make a difference. It's the uncertainty of the work that's really getting to him. If Himchan's back, their dance will have to be changed to accommodate his injury. If Himchan's not back, the dance will have to change a different way. But will it just be One Shot? What about the concert? Rehearsals? Will Himchan sit off to the side and sing, or will someone else sing for him? Or nobody? If no one's going to, backing tracks will have to be altered.
How will they apologise to the fans? Who's going to apologise? It's Himchan's problem, but Yongguk is leader and-
He's halfway to the studio when Himchan finally replies in four small pings.
it mean idk
enjoy
ur
#happynewwork
Yongguk stares at the iPad in disbelief, unsure what to type back. He doesn't think replying with just 'wow thanks' would adequately convey the amount of bitter sarcasm he's feeling at the moment, but he's saved from the problem when Himchan calls him.
"Typing's haaard, Gukkie…" Himchan says, because typically the first thing out of his mouth in any unpleasant situation is a complaint, but then again he sounds half dead so Yongguk holds back on a lecture. For now.
"How many drugs did you take," Yongguk frowns, talking at the iPad and ignoring any funny looks as he stomps down the street. "You sound like you've inhaled a pharmacy."
"Because hurts," Himchan replies, the spoiled pout audible in his voice. "Guk, they stuck metal in my hand and it hurts."
Yongguk figures he could probably stand to have more sympathy since around a year ago he'd had a chunk cut out of his own hand and yeah, it had fucking caned for ages after. Except, Himchan is at home. In his bed. For the New Year. And is getting taken care of by his parents.
And really, they only stuck metal in his hand because he was an utter klutz despite all the times Yongguk's told them all to be careful careful careful, and Yongguk just really wants to strangle him. (Except he can't because that's mean and leaders can't be mean, which makes Yongguk just want to strangle himself.)
"Suck it up, Princess," he grumbles instead, swiping himself into the company building. "You'll live, really. Enjoy thinking up how you're going to front the Babys Tribunal. You know some of them are saying you've quit? Though the one who alleged you'd died was funnier."
Himchan makes an irritated noise, or maybe that's just bad reception from Yongguk taking the stairs down one floor. "Do you want to be any more of an asshole right now, Yongguk? I can't even use a mouse or chopsticks, okay, so it's not exactly like I'm in paradise here either. And I know what the Babys are saying."
"Right, 'cause you've got all the time in the world right now to just sit on the internet and-"
Himchan hangs up.
Yongguk swears under his breath when the iPad signals a call disconnect. Fucking… Kim Himchan. He ignores the part of the argument that was his own fault. (Technically all of it. Maybe he should apologise. (Maybe later.))
98% of Yongguk just wants to pass out on the couch, but there's work to be done and sleep is for the weak so he hauls himself over to the keyboard and digs around for his most recent stack of staved sheets.
Not that it helps.
#happynewwork his frustrated ass. All Yongguk gets out of the next three long hours is a handful of painfully cliché rhymes and one very angry riff that maybe Kibum or one of the other hyungs will be able to beat into shape later.
His attention keeps returning to the iPad on the couch and after ripping up his fifth straight sheet of paper Yongguk finally gives in and puts his pencil down.
He's not surprised when his return call is picked up within seconds as if Himchan hadn't been the one to end their conversation earlier.
One of them is a needy bastard and it is not Bang Yongguk.
"Yes?" Himchan says imperiously, and the silence stretches on for a bit because Himchan won't say anything else until Yongguk has apologised. This is familiar territory. They've had similar fights before.
Yongguk sighs heavily and rubs at his eyes, reining in his temper and frustration. He's barely slept in days but that's no excuse for shitty behaviour. Not from an adult. "…right," he says. "I'm sorry, Channie."
"I'm grumpy," Himchan mutters and Yongguk really fucking wishes they were in the same room so he could punch him. (And also so they could just be in the same room and none of this would be an actual problem.)
"You're stupid," Yongguk says with feeling. "How are you such a clumsy fuck, I thought you were a drummer!"
"What the fuck has my major got to do with getting into a car!" Himchan snaps right back and Yongguk honest to god doesn't know how to respond to that because of the sheer stupidity. It hurts. Everything hurts and he's not even the one who's fractured anything except maybe his brain.
"…at least you didn't break your face, I guess," he says at length. "Since you're a shit enough visual as it is, what with shaving your head and making crazy eyes all the time-"
"I shaved my head once, you asshat-"
"-can't have that perfect nose out of joint."
"At least I still would've been able to dance with a broken nose," Himchan grumbles. "It would've added to my manly charm."
"Your… your manly charm," Yongguk repeats deadpan before chuckling a little. It's not actually that funny but he can't help it. The phrase is just too precious coming from the daft shit he calls a best friend. "Right. My apologies, Princess Manly-chan."
"Shut up. You deserve to be shot," Himchan grumbles. "I want to hurt you."
"But you can't, can you," Yongguk taunts, entirely too amused given the situation. "You broke your hand."
"I did not break my-argh! Shut up! I hate you!"
Yongguk snickers. "I know."
"…not really."
"Heh. I know."
"Asshole."
"As you've said…"
The silence trails into a long pause, which is unusual for any conversation Himchan's involved in and Yongguk listens, trying to judge if he's supposed to apologise again or if Himchan's just lost in rare actual thought. At length it turns out to be the latter: "…'m going back to hospital tomorrow," Himchan says, voice quiet.
Yongguk feels his eyebrows rise. "What for?"
"Just a checkup. But if they say I can dance-even if it's not the full choreo-I'll do it, I promise."
He sounds like puppy who's peed his own bed, all despondent, and Yongguk can't help a little surge of fondness alongside the fundamental urge to wring his neck. "So eager to get back to work?" he asks. "Last I heard, you were complaining we never get time off again."
"That's… it's not like I'm missing practice or company soccer here, you know, Guk," Himchan says and actually sounds upset. "I did the practice! This is stage, like. What I was born for!" His voice drops a little. "I mean, what we were all born for. Y'nam sayin'?"
Yongguk rolls his eyes. "Stop quoting my lines," he says, but feels a lingering smile tug at his mouth. "You ought to sleep while you can, Channie. Uh… what was it some smartarse said? 'When you need to rest, rest. Always do your best'…?"
"Oh, you think you're sooo~ clever, Bbang," Himchan scoffs. "Stop quoting my lines."
"Uh-huh. How about you try listening to yourself sometime," Yongguk says then pauses, guilty remembering that other thing he'd wanted to say: "I mean it though. You need your right hand for-. Not that. Jesus, Himchan, keep your mind out of the gutter for five seconds. I'm trying to be serious here!" Yongguk takes a deep breath and ignores Himchan's current mental age of thirteen. "I mean for your actual instruments: they're your livelihood. Nobody is gonna appreciate you rushing your recovery and fucking up your hands for life." Because that much is true.
"No, I know," Himchan says quietly, and it sounds like he's already thought about this. Yongguk dismisses the few disjointed thoughts bouncing around his head about one shot at stardom, and missed things like opportunities-rank and money don't matter when it comes to music, and anyway Himchan's always thought of music as more of a language than anything else. He was a musician by trade long before B.A.P was ever conceived and Yongguk knows he'll definitely still be performing long, long after they fade from the limelight… Popularity is one thing but talent is entirely another, so…
"Ugh…" Yongguk mutters, trying and once again failing to organise the perpetual mess of thoughts in his head. He presses at his temples, grateful that Himchan is more than used to his occasional lapses.
"You're alright, Bbang," Himchan says, voice calm. "You're alright…"
"…yeah. Sorry."
"So… you don't want me back?" Himchan says. His tone is light, but Yongguk knows him better than that.
"Of course I want you back," he grumbles, slouching down into the couch. "I want you back yesterday. The dorm is chaos with Daehyun oldest while I'm out; there are four tubs of ice cream in the freezer and I don't even know why. I mean, who the hell gave him money for that shit? He shouldn't be using his mother's card for things like that-"
Himchan's laughter is a rough and roguish sound but Yongguk can't help thinking it's the sweetest thing he's heard lately. So, okay, maybe he does miss it. Maybe he misses Himchan-the-person just as much as Himchan-the-dumb-mom-who-keeps-the-dumb-kids-in-line. Maybe he's a little bit lonely by himself. After all, he's always had Yongnam by his side, then Maslo, and these days Himchan's the contemporary he's come to count on completely…
The thought that it seems he can't do anything by himself kind of annoys Yongguk no end. But that's human nature, isn't it, he thinks. Anger at weakness; desire for friendship, solidarity, intimacy. Emotions aren't rational.
"This isn't funny anymore," he decides. "If you come back a Fatchan because of your mother's cooking, I'm going to donate all your clothes to Junhongie and feed Daehyun your fan gifts for a month."
Himchan makes a scandalised sound. "Bang Yongguk… I am going to send you photos of every single amazing thing my mother cooks. From three different angles."
"Ha. I'll just forward them to Daehyun and subsist on his tears of pain," Yongguk retorts, and smiles when Himchan laughs at the lame joke.
He's a little bit surprised when the iPad pings with a FaceTime request though. "What?"
"…wanted to see you," Himchan says when they reconnect, pouting with puffy cheeks exactly the way he knows Yongguk hates.
Yongguk rolls his eyes. "Who says I wanted to see you though? You look like shit." He half means it as a joke but frowns as soon as the words leave his mouth because they're actually true. If anything, Himchan's lost weight since his accident and Yongguk's not at all pleased to see the ever-present dark rings still beneath his eyes. What's the point of him being at home if he's not even resting properly?
"Of course I look like shit, I don't have any makeup on," Himchan huffs.
"That's got nothing to do with it and you know it," Yongguk says darkly. "Have you even been sleeping?"
Himchan frowns and moves his phone to the headboard, shifting on his pillows so he's on his tummy staring at it. "I had a lot to think about, okay? But I've finished writing what I want to tell the Babys when management says I can, and I got to talk to you today, so…" He gives a lopsided smile. "Maybe tonight will be better."
"Why didn't you call earlier then?" Yongguk says gruffly, trying to hide whatever emotion it is that's threatening to close his throat. "If you wanted to talk…" Hell, I wanted to talk.
"Because you're busy, aren't you?" Himchan says softly. "I remember the schedule and I doubt I've made it any better by not being there."
"Yeah, but it's nothing we can't handle," Yongguk lies. "Nothing we haven't done before."
"I still wish I could help out…"
Yongguk lets a grin curve the side of his mouth. "We don't need help from an idiot who can't even get from A to B without breaking shit."
"I'm sorry okay…" Himchan says, frowning. He's trying to scowl but his eyelids are clearly so heavy it's barely a dull squint and Yongguk's smile softens a little.
"You should sleep, Channie."
"No," Himchan mutters stubbornly. "I'm not going anywhere. You're finally here. I don't want to."
Yongguk flicks at the iPad camera since it's about the closest he can get to abusing Himchan for his stupidity right now. "Go to sleep."
"No."
"Go to sleep."
"No."
"What if I stay here."
"No. What… wait." Himchan forces his head back up from his pillow, squinting some more, and Yongguk can't help a fond smile.
"What if I don't go anywhere."
Himchan shifts onto his side and props his phone up against the wall so he can still see it. "Would you stay, Bbang…?"
Yongguk chuckles. "If it'll help you sleep, you big baby."
"Don't call me that, you're not my mom," Himchan mumbles, focusing only long enough to make his demands heard: "Then leave the light on. I expect to be able to see you still when I wake up."
"Depends when you wake up, Princess," Yongguk snorts. "We have schedules to meet over here, you know, unlike some people."
"Yeah, schedules, whatever," Himchan says. "Then you better rest too 'n not just watch me all night like a creep…"
"Please, don't flatter yourself."
"Oh… 's right, you only watch Jieun…"
Yongguk laughs. "Stop talking before I'm forced to go over there and smother you."
"Hn," Himchan says, or maybe it's the start of a snore. He doesn't say anything else after that; and since it's just the two of them, if Yongguk does want to watch for a little while (like a creep) before his own eyelids start to grow heavy, nobody can say if he does or does not.
*
It's past midnight when Youngjae pops back into the dorm after a short netcafé session and quickly realises their leader still isn't back yet. This isn't too unusual-in all likelihood it just means Yongguk is at the studio, either still working or having fallen asleep there. A quick tally of the blankets in the bedroom tells Youngjae none of them are missing.
He considers his options for a moment before shoving a blanket into a backpack and heading back out. The studio's only two blocks away after all. It can't hurt to check.
And his suspicions prove right.
He discovers Yongguk curled up on the studio couch like a five-year-old, face squashed into the backrest against the bright ceiling light that's still on…
The iPad is propped loosely in his hand and onscreen Himchan snores softly, gently backlit by a bedroom lamp. Youngjae can't help a small smile. His hyungs are so dumb… Cute, but dumb.
As carefully as possible, Youngjae extracts the iPad and drapes the blanket he brought over Yongguk before leaving the room, making a mental note to buy some ramen and bring it over if Yongguk still isn't back by morning.
He messages Himchan on the way home.
Hyung, I turned off the light and ended the call, just in case you made Yongguk-hyung promise something weird. So don't be angry at him. He hasn't been sleeping well but taking care of him is hard because you're really the only one he talks to when he gets stressed, heh. Please rest and recover quickly. I'm trying my best to be a stand-in but Daehyun was right: you're our real mom and we need you back. So see you soon, hyung. We miss you. YJ
Pocketing the phone, Youngjae shrugs out the kinks in his shoulders and enjoys the crisp (okay, freezing) late-night air on his walk back to the dorm.
They'll manage of course, as a five-man unit, despite the choreography and whatever else that has to be worked out. Youngjae's pretty confident. He already knows Himchan's lines and dance positions just in case-everybody does-and anyway they're relatively well-seasoned rookies by now so even improvising shouldn't be too much of a problem…
It's not a problem.
But without Himchan around it just isn't the same.