(no subject)
To: Simon Cringle, Director of Sponsorship and Donations
Re: Your end of the bargain
Dear sir,
Respectfully acknowledging that your organization has done, as you say “everything possible” to aid in our cause, I must say at this point that you may as well just bend me over and make a profit. Seriously, sir, quit jerking me around.
I must insist that there is more your Sponsorship and Donations division can do for our charity. Sir, we work with developmentally disordered children and animals who are incapable of supporting themselves. Would you like to be single-handedly responsible for the downfall of society? If your cold black heart is capable of neglecting the social contract, perhaps I can appeal to your nearly bursting wallet. For every thousand dollars you donate to my clients I will provide you with a girl or boy or quadruped of your choosing. No shit.
We are so desperate for funding. The other day our one-armed Ethiopian, Thomas asked me when dinner was and I was forced to respond, “when the good people at Mr. Christie find it in their hearts to stop busting my balls and cut us a deal.” You see, desperate times call for desperate measures. I cannot make any promises but if another shipment of chocolate chips were to arrive I would be able to hold off the loan sharks for perhaps a week or two. Yet ultimately, promises have been made and if cookies aren’t delivered… Children must be.
You are one cold son of a bitch, Sir. I have nothing but respect for your politics but understand that people’s lives are at stake. You’ve forced me into a corner, now salvation rests with you. I recommend you prepare the shipment and negotiate for the exchange. If our demands are not met I promise bloody retaliation.
Re: Your end of the bargain
Dear sir,
Respectfully acknowledging that your organization has done, as you say “everything possible” to aid in our cause, I must say at this point that you may as well just bend me over and make a profit. Seriously, sir, quit jerking me around.
I must insist that there is more your Sponsorship and Donations division can do for our charity. Sir, we work with developmentally disordered children and animals who are incapable of supporting themselves. Would you like to be single-handedly responsible for the downfall of society? If your cold black heart is capable of neglecting the social contract, perhaps I can appeal to your nearly bursting wallet. For every thousand dollars you donate to my clients I will provide you with a girl or boy or quadruped of your choosing. No shit.
We are so desperate for funding. The other day our one-armed Ethiopian, Thomas asked me when dinner was and I was forced to respond, “when the good people at Mr. Christie find it in their hearts to stop busting my balls and cut us a deal.” You see, desperate times call for desperate measures. I cannot make any promises but if another shipment of chocolate chips were to arrive I would be able to hold off the loan sharks for perhaps a week or two. Yet ultimately, promises have been made and if cookies aren’t delivered… Children must be.
You are one cold son of a bitch, Sir. I have nothing but respect for your politics but understand that people’s lives are at stake. You’ve forced me into a corner, now salvation rests with you. I recommend you prepare the shipment and negotiate for the exchange. If our demands are not met I promise bloody retaliation.