(no subject)

[handsgetwarm]

so. i'm still always, always thinking about running away. just getting up. and going. and here i am, awake at six-thirty ayyem and i'm happy. i don't know if i'm ever going to get rid of that "something is missing" feeling, but i don't need that to be happy. somedays i really do miss having someone to hold hands with when i walk or getting excited when that name flashes on the caller id just to say g'night. but i don't need that either to be happy. i'm terrible at school. i'm terrible at getting comfortable enough with people to make the awkward silences-not. i'm terrible at sleeping. and i'm terrible at eating at the hours i'm supposed to. and probably a billion other things too. but i think four months too late i'm ready to be happy. i'm ready to try? i don't know. i don't know where to go. or how to do it. but i know i need to fix things. i think my whole life i've been taking care of other people. not sure if i was raising my dad, or he was raising me, and knowing for sure i was raising kee. i need to remember i'm eighteen, not thirty-five. and now it's time to take care of me.

i'm terrible at a lot of things. i've only really been great at one. and that's over. so now i need to learn how to not fuck everything up all the time. and quick. wish me luck? movies have a way of fixing problems with airports, so someday. i'll meet you there.

i wasn't going to tell you i could change things.