(no subject)

Nov 05, 2005 12:19

for the midwest, daylights savings time means night starts at five pm. which is great. because when i travel over to the drawing studio at six and lock myself up.. i feel like i'm out for the night. i turn on one single light. and draw the most unimpressive still lifes and their shadows. who the fuck cares how the shadow of some antique glass green bottle so happens to fall on the form of a guitar? but it means something to me. when my mess of charcoal, ink, and paper has figured out a detail, a something.. i feel accomplished. and anymore that's the only time it happens. i was reading over my grandpa's obituary from last week. that's hard to think about. this time one week ago i was placing a single rose into his hole in the ground. but back to the point. i'm digressing. no one even bothered to mention in that little sparknote biography of his life that he even went to college. as if those four years, the time of your life, the glory years.. didn't even matter. everyone keeps saying this is it, this is the time of your life. but how do you believe that? i can't. because i'm here locking myself up in art buildings. curling up next to easels. and i'm miserable. i keep telling myself look at the cities. they're so great. you've always wanted to be a place where the lights never die. full of skyscrapers and movement without purpose. but when i spend five hours locked up and no one notices i'm gone. i know i don't belong here. besides, i can only draw so many glass bottles before i'll want to draw people again. and you aren't here. so where will i begin. i miss having everything be a countdown to you. "if i finish golfing in two hours.. i'll see you." but now that countdown has reached weeks, months.. and i don't know how comfortable i am with that. college isn't the best time ever. the only time i can pretend is when i wake up from a dream where i actually ran away with you..

honestly. i want to run away.
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