Make it stop
Jason's cousin just told me Jason misses me. And I was like yeah about as much as he misses every other girl I'm sure. And we got into this whole stupid conversation about how we're broken up and he can do what he wants and shit.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having this attatchment to Jason. He says he misses me. He says I'm more than just some girl he sleeps with. He says he has fun with me. His eyes tell me he still cares about me. But what the fuck does that all mean. So I'm his friend who he cares about and sleeps with. Does he still love me? Does he miss me as a girlfriend? Where does all this leave me?
Wanna know where it fucking leaves me? It leaves me still fucking in love with him more than he obviously is with me. It leaves me unable to pursue any other romances because I'm still connected with him. It leaves me hurt.
I'm sick of crying over him. Hell, I'm fucking crying right now just thinking about him. It isn't him that makes me sad. It's knowing that I won't go out with other guys, but he probably has no problem dating other girls. I'm fully aware that we broke up months ago. But I'm also aware that just because a relationship is over doesn't mean my feelings cease to exist. And it drives me crazy that there is no legitimate reason for us to still be apart. We broke up over something so stupid.
I hate feeling so vulnerable.
I hate that he has complete control over my emotions. I hate that he misses me because that means on some level he cares. That or he is just a liar. I prefer to believe the former.
I am sick of crying. Being constantly on the verge of tears. I am an emotional wreck.
It's not just my confusion with Jason that is getting to me. There is so much more I dare not disclose on this stupid LiveJournal. Too many untrustworthy people read this.
I was so much happier when we were together. I always had somebody to go to. I had somebody that would just hold me and let me cry. I had somebody I trusted enough to confide in. I've learned the hard way you can't trust most people. He was one of the few I loved and felt comfortable enough to allow into my heart. He was there for me to wrestle with when I was pissed off and needed to release my anger. Haha. Now that we're just friends and fuck buddies I feel that if I do that anymore I'll be crossing some sort of unstated boundary. The line between friend and girlfriend. I miss being on the other side of this line.
I'm surprised my tear ducts have anything left in them. I'm tired of pretending I don't care. I do. Too much for my own good. I wish my emotions had an off switch. I hold everything in. Then something insignificant triggers a breakdown. I hate it.
I'm sure there is no way Jason feels even close to the way I do anymore. I'm sure he's perfectly content with our status. I wish I had that luxury.
I think I should just get a dog. Dogs love you unconditionally no matter what you say. They're always there to lick away your tears haha. To burry your face in as you cry. To talk to without the fear of them saying something hurtful in response.
I need something. I'm not sure yet what it is. Jason left a void. Seemingly irreplaceable.
I hate this.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having this attatchment to Jason. He says he misses me. He says I'm more than just some girl he sleeps with. He says he has fun with me. His eyes tell me he still cares about me. But what the fuck does that all mean. So I'm his friend who he cares about and sleeps with. Does he still love me? Does he miss me as a girlfriend? Where does all this leave me?
Wanna know where it fucking leaves me? It leaves me still fucking in love with him more than he obviously is with me. It leaves me unable to pursue any other romances because I'm still connected with him. It leaves me hurt.
I'm sick of crying over him. Hell, I'm fucking crying right now just thinking about him. It isn't him that makes me sad. It's knowing that I won't go out with other guys, but he probably has no problem dating other girls. I'm fully aware that we broke up months ago. But I'm also aware that just because a relationship is over doesn't mean my feelings cease to exist. And it drives me crazy that there is no legitimate reason for us to still be apart. We broke up over something so stupid.
I hate feeling so vulnerable.
I hate that he has complete control over my emotions. I hate that he misses me because that means on some level he cares. That or he is just a liar. I prefer to believe the former.
I am sick of crying. Being constantly on the verge of tears. I am an emotional wreck.
It's not just my confusion with Jason that is getting to me. There is so much more I dare not disclose on this stupid LiveJournal. Too many untrustworthy people read this.
I was so much happier when we were together. I always had somebody to go to. I had somebody that would just hold me and let me cry. I had somebody I trusted enough to confide in. I've learned the hard way you can't trust most people. He was one of the few I loved and felt comfortable enough to allow into my heart. He was there for me to wrestle with when I was pissed off and needed to release my anger. Haha. Now that we're just friends and fuck buddies I feel that if I do that anymore I'll be crossing some sort of unstated boundary. The line between friend and girlfriend. I miss being on the other side of this line.
I'm surprised my tear ducts have anything left in them. I'm tired of pretending I don't care. I do. Too much for my own good. I wish my emotions had an off switch. I hold everything in. Then something insignificant triggers a breakdown. I hate it.
I'm sure there is no way Jason feels even close to the way I do anymore. I'm sure he's perfectly content with our status. I wish I had that luxury.
I think I should just get a dog. Dogs love you unconditionally no matter what you say. They're always there to lick away your tears haha. To burry your face in as you cry. To talk to without the fear of them saying something hurtful in response.
I need something. I'm not sure yet what it is. Jason left a void. Seemingly irreplaceable.
I hate this.