Very superficial reflections...
OK, so Alex Jones and I came up with a list of 45 Rules for Being a Poseur Goth. I thought I'd post it.
1. You say, “What’s wrong with that thing?” when you hear a guitar tuned to anything but drop D.
2. You wear black t-shirts that address your imaginary friends.
3. You work at a gun club.
4. You called David Bowie “the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.”
5. You stopped listening to Nine Inch Nails when you figured out “that one sound” was a keyboard.
6. You have a jet black mullet.
7. Your last art project contained only a flame before you decided to finish it by scrawling “666” all over it [or “6(sic)6”].
8. You’ve never heard of Lou Reed.
9. Your favorite “goth rock singer” to commit suicide is Kurt Cobain, not Ian Curtis.
10. You think Kurt Cobain was a goth and you wear the “Teenage” t-shirt.
11. You actually paid a lot of money for huge black pants with chains.
12. You wear a t-shirt that says, “You laugh at me because I’m different, but I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”
13. You have described Hot Topic as “underground.”
14. You called your mom a bitch because she wouldn’t give you money to go see Dope.
15. You frequently say, “Preps are gay.”
16. You tease people who can’t stand metal by calling them a pussy.
17. You listen to nothing but metal.
18. You complain that the Smashing Pumpkins “just aren’t heavy enough for me, dude”.
19. You can be identified 100 feet away by the sound of your chains when you walk.
20. You think makeup is for faggots.
21. You’ve made fun of REM. (Not a goth band, I know, but it just shows how shallow you are.)
22. You feel really cool when you say, “Reading fucking sucks, man”.
23. You frequently go hunting.
24. You think that Marilyn Manson really does worship Satan and was the first artist to torture animals onstage.
25. You own every Rob Zombie album.
26. You look like a member of Korn.
27. You think Siouxie & the Banshees is an Indian tribe.
28. You are a bully.
29. When you hear Syd Barrett, you think Sex Pistols.
30. You think Sex Pistols ONLY when you hear Syd Barrett. (And Sid Vicious never rings a bell at all.)
31. You think that if “Behind Blue Eyes” was just a tad less wimpy, it might be the best song Limp Bizkit ever wrote.
32. You wear bondage gear, but have no idea what that means.
33. All your favorite bands are from California.
34. You bought a Good Charlotte CD and then started wearing MADE shirts.
35. You don’t know of any good British bands.
36. You think that having females in a band is just the “pussiest” thing ever (except for Kittie of course).
37. You wish the Cramps would cut out that “hillbilly shit” (that is, if you’ve heard of the Cramps).
38. You’ve heard good things about the Cure, but when you look in the “metal” section of a record store, they’re never there.
39. You’re still trying to figure out how irony works. (You probably still pronounce it “Eye rony).”
40. You’ve searched though an entire Smiths CD trying to find the good moshing parts.
41. You punched a kid for saying that Godsmack was a Metallica rip off.
42. You “can completely relate to” those two Columbine kids.
43. You’ve traveled to Idaho and then called a friend and said, “Dude, I’m in Slipknot country!”
44. You wouldn’t be caught dead using ebonics.
45. You think Joy Division is a “really gay name for a band.”
That's all.
Peace, love, and velcro tampons,
Hand Jackey
1. You say, “What’s wrong with that thing?” when you hear a guitar tuned to anything but drop D.
2. You wear black t-shirts that address your imaginary friends.
3. You work at a gun club.
4. You called David Bowie “the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.”
5. You stopped listening to Nine Inch Nails when you figured out “that one sound” was a keyboard.
6. You have a jet black mullet.
7. Your last art project contained only a flame before you decided to finish it by scrawling “666” all over it [or “6(sic)6”].
8. You’ve never heard of Lou Reed.
9. Your favorite “goth rock singer” to commit suicide is Kurt Cobain, not Ian Curtis.
10. You think Kurt Cobain was a goth and you wear the “Teenage” t-shirt.
11. You actually paid a lot of money for huge black pants with chains.
12. You wear a t-shirt that says, “You laugh at me because I’m different, but I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”
13. You have described Hot Topic as “underground.”
14. You called your mom a bitch because she wouldn’t give you money to go see Dope.
15. You frequently say, “Preps are gay.”
16. You tease people who can’t stand metal by calling them a pussy.
17. You listen to nothing but metal.
18. You complain that the Smashing Pumpkins “just aren’t heavy enough for me, dude”.
19. You can be identified 100 feet away by the sound of your chains when you walk.
20. You think makeup is for faggots.
21. You’ve made fun of REM. (Not a goth band, I know, but it just shows how shallow you are.)
22. You feel really cool when you say, “Reading fucking sucks, man”.
23. You frequently go hunting.
24. You think that Marilyn Manson really does worship Satan and was the first artist to torture animals onstage.
25. You own every Rob Zombie album.
26. You look like a member of Korn.
27. You think Siouxie & the Banshees is an Indian tribe.
28. You are a bully.
29. When you hear Syd Barrett, you think Sex Pistols.
30. You think Sex Pistols ONLY when you hear Syd Barrett. (And Sid Vicious never rings a bell at all.)
31. You think that if “Behind Blue Eyes” was just a tad less wimpy, it might be the best song Limp Bizkit ever wrote.
32. You wear bondage gear, but have no idea what that means.
33. All your favorite bands are from California.
34. You bought a Good Charlotte CD and then started wearing MADE shirts.
35. You don’t know of any good British bands.
36. You think that having females in a band is just the “pussiest” thing ever (except for Kittie of course).
37. You wish the Cramps would cut out that “hillbilly shit” (that is, if you’ve heard of the Cramps).
38. You’ve heard good things about the Cure, but when you look in the “metal” section of a record store, they’re never there.
39. You’re still trying to figure out how irony works. (You probably still pronounce it “Eye rony).”
40. You’ve searched though an entire Smiths CD trying to find the good moshing parts.
41. You punched a kid for saying that Godsmack was a Metallica rip off.
42. You “can completely relate to” those two Columbine kids.
43. You’ve traveled to Idaho and then called a friend and said, “Dude, I’m in Slipknot country!”
44. You wouldn’t be caught dead using ebonics.
45. You think Joy Division is a “really gay name for a band.”
That's all.
Peace, love, and velcro tampons,
Hand Jackey