Thirty ways to deface a celebrity?
Tonight after the orchestra concert, Geoff, Heather, Olivia and I had coffee at Cottonwood Canyon and tried to make a list of the lamest celebrities we could think of. Well, if not celebrities, people who have created or participated in "art" that is not regarded highly by elitist pricks who collect Joan Baez bootlegs but use Joanie Mitchell vinyl as a dartboard.
We're talking the lamest of the lame, the finnest of the fin.
After we made our list of "celebrities" or "artists" we discussed ways which we could make each one "hip" or at least "tastefully detatched from their 'art.'" We assigned traits to these individuals in a desperate attempt to give more credibility to themselves and their 'art.'
First victim: Bil Keane [ Family Circus cartoonist, comic that slays(?) baby boomers raised on Mannheim Steamroller]
Assigned traits: crotchity and tired old man, long ass beard, stopped drinking when informed that he commits welfare fraud when intoxicated, draws cartoon during sleep, alleged Vladimir Lenin scholar as observed by journalsists who have set foot inside his abode and scoped out his numerous bookshelves, refuses to speak about Family Circus in interviews but has framed portrait of oldest 'Circus boy winking which hangs on wall near front door, more interested in talking to journalists about Freud's influence on anti-Semitism in Europe than his comic strip, has partially removed tattoos on forearm, rarely makes eye contact, vaguely implies he's a war veteran but doesn't admit to any actual involvement; most journalists too intimidated to question further
Second victim: Huey Lewis [singer of sports bar band Huey Lewis & the News, vaguely resembles a Joe Montana who gets laid less]
Assigned traits: homeless (but loaded) alcoholic who resides in Detroit, convinced that all the time he spends outside being homeless will surely give him skin cancer even though the Motor City rarely sees the sun, checks for melanoma tumors before every weekly shower, seeks out women with "generous thighs" through classified ads, is attracted to only white women but his only male friends are black (most of whom have sang back up on at least one Lionel Ritchie album)
Third victim: Barbara Streisand [vocalist with 438097 octave range, muse of Celine Dion?]
Assigned traits: rightfully claims her nose is actually an intentional result of cosmetic surgery ("for shits and giggles"), serenades taxi cab drivers by playing her nasal like a flute, lives by herself in a cottage in the woods, owns a parrot which she never acknowledges or introduces to houseguests despite it's obnoxiousness, when finally confronted about the parrot she claims it was an unwelcome gift from her local drycleaner who claims he is her biggest fan but still advises her to never again collaborate with Dolly Parton, parrot is prone to mimicking Streisand during orgasm (i.e. "Ooooh, Sam," "Oooooh, Dave!," "Ooooooh, A&M Records Representative!!!!"), pretends she doesn't know which record company she belongs to, swears aloud to herself when playing solitaire, intentionally runs red lights and stop signs and then proceeds to justify the practice by telling police officers she has urinated in her panties because "It's not like they check or anything."
Fourth and vinal victim: Daniel Radcliffe [Harry Potter star, lust object of prepubescent white girls most of whom are on Retainer #6]
Assigned traits: has refused to read Harry Potter books from an early age, amazes set directors by his ability to embody Harry without ever actually laying a finger on the Rowling novels, born a crack baby even though his mother claims the only time she smoked crack she "didn't feel a thing, dude" (don't worry, you can laugh, he's not all that sensitive about it), tells dead baby jokes he doesn't understand, subscribes to hunting magazines even though he has never been hunting in his life, has "some beef with John Heder" but refuses to explain why... causing journalists to assume Napoleon either stole his tots or tried to make him poster boy for the Latter Day Saints, wonders if his laxative addiction is a result of the placebo effect, felt self-conscious in elementary school when the other kids at the lunch table tried to convince him his buttcheeks weren't symetrical, claims being forcefed on the Harry Potter set ended his "three day bulimic streak for Eating Disorder Awareness Week"
There you have it, folks. Umpteen ways to deface celebrities.
Peace, love, and yes, I already thought about performing the same treatment on Meg Ryan,
Hand Jackey
We're talking the lamest of the lame, the finnest of the fin.
After we made our list of "celebrities" or "artists" we discussed ways which we could make each one "hip" or at least "tastefully detatched from their 'art.'" We assigned traits to these individuals in a desperate attempt to give more credibility to themselves and their 'art.'
First victim: Bil Keane [ Family Circus cartoonist, comic that slays(?) baby boomers raised on Mannheim Steamroller]
Assigned traits: crotchity and tired old man, long ass beard, stopped drinking when informed that he commits welfare fraud when intoxicated, draws cartoon during sleep, alleged Vladimir Lenin scholar as observed by journalsists who have set foot inside his abode and scoped out his numerous bookshelves, refuses to speak about Family Circus in interviews but has framed portrait of oldest 'Circus boy winking which hangs on wall near front door, more interested in talking to journalists about Freud's influence on anti-Semitism in Europe than his comic strip, has partially removed tattoos on forearm, rarely makes eye contact, vaguely implies he's a war veteran but doesn't admit to any actual involvement; most journalists too intimidated to question further
Second victim: Huey Lewis [singer of sports bar band Huey Lewis & the News, vaguely resembles a Joe Montana who gets laid less]
Assigned traits: homeless (but loaded) alcoholic who resides in Detroit, convinced that all the time he spends outside being homeless will surely give him skin cancer even though the Motor City rarely sees the sun, checks for melanoma tumors before every weekly shower, seeks out women with "generous thighs" through classified ads, is attracted to only white women but his only male friends are black (most of whom have sang back up on at least one Lionel Ritchie album)
Third victim: Barbara Streisand [vocalist with 438097 octave range, muse of Celine Dion?]
Assigned traits: rightfully claims her nose is actually an intentional result of cosmetic surgery ("for shits and giggles"), serenades taxi cab drivers by playing her nasal like a flute, lives by herself in a cottage in the woods, owns a parrot which she never acknowledges or introduces to houseguests despite it's obnoxiousness, when finally confronted about the parrot she claims it was an unwelcome gift from her local drycleaner who claims he is her biggest fan but still advises her to never again collaborate with Dolly Parton, parrot is prone to mimicking Streisand during orgasm (i.e. "Ooooh, Sam," "Oooooh, Dave!," "Ooooooh, A&M Records Representative!!!!"), pretends she doesn't know which record company she belongs to, swears aloud to herself when playing solitaire, intentionally runs red lights and stop signs and then proceeds to justify the practice by telling police officers she has urinated in her panties because "It's not like they check or anything."
Fourth and vinal victim: Daniel Radcliffe [Harry Potter star, lust object of prepubescent white girls most of whom are on Retainer #6]
Assigned traits: has refused to read Harry Potter books from an early age, amazes set directors by his ability to embody Harry without ever actually laying a finger on the Rowling novels, born a crack baby even though his mother claims the only time she smoked crack she "didn't feel a thing, dude" (don't worry, you can laugh, he's not all that sensitive about it), tells dead baby jokes he doesn't understand, subscribes to hunting magazines even though he has never been hunting in his life, has "some beef with John Heder" but refuses to explain why... causing journalists to assume Napoleon either stole his tots or tried to make him poster boy for the Latter Day Saints, wonders if his laxative addiction is a result of the placebo effect, felt self-conscious in elementary school when the other kids at the lunch table tried to convince him his buttcheeks weren't symetrical, claims being forcefed on the Harry Potter set ended his "three day bulimic streak for Eating Disorder Awareness Week"
There you have it, folks. Umpteen ways to deface celebrities.
Peace, love, and yes, I already thought about performing the same treatment on Meg Ryan,
Hand Jackey