What the Fuck DeAnna? Go Sit Down Somewhere.
I'm an ungrateful little bitch. I'm not going to lie, most days I don't want to be here in Atlanta. I don't know if it's because I just miss California so much or if it's because I'm walking on a "cooler than thou" cloud of bullshit. California is a place to miss, but I know it's the people that make a place, and I certainly wasn't your biggest social butterfly. I wasn't even "cool" in California. I didn't go anywhere, I barely did anything, that's why I thought I needed the move. I thought maybe if I move it will break me out of this shell I'm in. I'm scared to do a lot of shit. I don't know if it stems from being the oldest child, and I feel like I can't really take risks, make mistakes, because I have to be that person who people rely on for stability. But now I feel like my wall is falling. I'm not unhappy. I attend school now and I'm studying Visual Effects and Motion Graphics. I have a younger sister as a friend and I'm surround by the most beautiful black people you've ever seen. At times I do get upset that certain things, and people don't come here because there is no fan base for it, but I guess I'll just go to them.
Then what the fuck is wrong with me?
Some days I want to be like "fuck it", I'm going to do me, regardless of what people think, say, or feel, because for so long I have only done things based on the opinions and feelings of others. I know this sounds like one of those sappy "i had an epiphany" type blogs. Where I proudly let the world know that I've turned a page in my life. But I'm not going to even act as if I didn't know I was living as a pussy from the get go. Deep down I knew. It was a way of keeping drama down for me...just do whatever people want, so they don't have to say anything dumb to me. The "real" me is a little bitch forreal. If you only knew some of the things I want to say to certain people.....it's a down right shame. I bite my tongue so much, I'm surprised I have one. And I don't I guess.
I'm having a war with myself.
Should I fuck that dude, even though I've only known him for a month?
Should I get that tattoo even though it doesn't come off as "girly"?
Should I buy those titties even though it goes totally against my "erykah badu-ish I love everything about me already" attitude"? (being one way totally sucks, because other people can't see you any different. So when you do something different, the automatic thought is that you're losing yourself)
Was that all just a phase anyway?
Should I continue with my work, even though it will probably be offensive to most people?
Am I suppose to be doing this art thing, or am I hiding behind it?
Is it bad that I like him, even though I know his only goal in life is to be alive?
I know its not all this deep. I just need to find my balance, before I'm known as "deep throat dee" and I have tats all over my body. Which i doubt will happen, but nothing is impossible.
And I apologize that I'm not one to want to hang out, but I haven't come to the point where I'm totally comfortable with me yet, as you read I don't even know who "me" is yet.
Sidenote: I haven't had sex in almost a year, so maybe this is just a bunch of pinned up aggression?
Then what the fuck is wrong with me?
Some days I want to be like "fuck it", I'm going to do me, regardless of what people think, say, or feel, because for so long I have only done things based on the opinions and feelings of others. I know this sounds like one of those sappy "i had an epiphany" type blogs. Where I proudly let the world know that I've turned a page in my life. But I'm not going to even act as if I didn't know I was living as a pussy from the get go. Deep down I knew. It was a way of keeping drama down for me...just do whatever people want, so they don't have to say anything dumb to me. The "real" me is a little bitch forreal. If you only knew some of the things I want to say to certain people.....it's a down right shame. I bite my tongue so much, I'm surprised I have one. And I don't I guess.
I'm having a war with myself.
Should I fuck that dude, even though I've only known him for a month?
Should I get that tattoo even though it doesn't come off as "girly"?
Should I buy those titties even though it goes totally against my "erykah badu-ish I love everything about me already" attitude"? (being one way totally sucks, because other people can't see you any different. So when you do something different, the automatic thought is that you're losing yourself)
Was that all just a phase anyway?
Should I continue with my work, even though it will probably be offensive to most people?
Am I suppose to be doing this art thing, or am I hiding behind it?
Is it bad that I like him, even though I know his only goal in life is to be alive?
I know its not all this deep. I just need to find my balance, before I'm known as "deep throat dee" and I have tats all over my body. Which i doubt will happen, but nothing is impossible.
And I apologize that I'm not one to want to hang out, but I haven't come to the point where I'm totally comfortable with me yet, as you read I don't even know who "me" is yet.
Sidenote: I haven't had sex in almost a year, so maybe this is just a bunch of pinned up aggression?