The Legend of Justa Fakinaway
Title: The Legend of Justa Fakinaway
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing(s): Burgundy with steak, Riesling with seafood, Justaway x Fakinaway, and Balmung Fezalion x Isaac Schneider x WTF-is-this-I-don't-even-
Summary: WOW WOW WOW WOW BAD COMMUNICATION. BL is short for B'z Love. Bentendo, my love for you is like diarrhea because I just can't keep it in. This fic was pulled out of a monkey's butt like Zeus giving birth to Athena.
Public Service Announcement: I know this is shitty. It's shitty on purpose. I WORKED REALLY HARD TO MAKE THIS AS SHIT-INFESTED AS POSSIBLE, OKAY? Just think of these words as my virtual poop being flung onto your screen. Please make sure to wash your hands before returning to work.
Balmung Fezalion, also known as the Black Wind, captain of the Fakinaway dark knights and the future Brutal Emperor Kaiser Fakinaway, cut a fearsome figure as he strode through the halls of his father's - Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea's - castle of darkness. Balmung's dark violet hair swirled around his darkly handsome figure, sensually caressing his corded muscles under the spiked armor of the Fakinaway dark knights. As usual, the prince was coldly composed. His self-assured aura commanded the respect of all the low-level demons who bowed to him as he passed.
A few months ago, Balmung had stormed the castle with his dark knights, wholly intent on usurping his father's throne. However, he had been distracted by the idea of forming a band and had abandoned that quest mid-way. After a tearful reunion and apologies all around, he and his father had made amends and were again co-habiting peacefully. (Or about as peacefully as demons can, which meant that they each regularly called upon the powers of darkness to extinguish the other in order to avenge slights against their pride. Such slights included not being passed the salt at dinnertime or having to deal with a bathroom hog when they all knew very well that a certain someone in the family suffered constant runny diarrhea.)
Giving curt nods to the servants who scurried out of the way, Balmung approached the room at the furthest end of the north wing. What used to be a storage area had recently been converted to living quarters, and it was this guest whom Balmung had business with now.
"Isaac!" he bellowed, slamming the door open.
"Oh! Oh! Smashing blue, oh! Oh!"
Isaac Schneider, also known as the Prince of Light, Balmung's younger twin brother with whom he had been separated at birth and who had been raised in comfort while Balmung had been abandoned, bounced around belting the lyrics of his newest song while strumming air-guitar. Isaac's blond hair glimmered as he jumped on top of the covers of the large bed that had been provided for him. He front-flipped, he back-flipped; he did the splits in mid-air, giving Balmung a nice view of his package. Not only that, but he was in his band outfit: a tight pink leopard print shirt and teeny-tiny-tight-tight shorts. It was hot enough to give Balmung homo-twincestuous thoughts, though he ignored those for the moment.
"Isaac," he said with a frown, "you can't keep moping about just because our record deal was terminated."
"Balmung!" Isaac cried. He landed across the room to engage his brother. "You wouldn't understand my dream! My musician's soul is howling at the moon for this!"
"Howling? Don't fuck with me. No one would mistake a hairless twink like you for a wolf."
"And I know you only went along with my plan on a whim, but I'm serious. When I was little, I had already started a jug band with the neighborhood children. I have always wanted to be the sexy gay frontman of an anime band who wears ridiculously flamboyant clothes and has pink hair and big shiny eyes!"
"You don't have pink hair."
"Technicalities."
"And what is this 'jug band' you speak of? Is that another technicality?"
"A jug band is like a broke-ass garage band, but even more broker-ass because no one can afford to buy any instruments."
"So it's an all-air band. Did you get a zombie on air-keyboard?"
"No, a jug band is different from an air band. You make music with the milk jugs you have on hand."
"Stop fucking with me. You're so gay you'd throw up at the sight of milk jugs."
"And we also used whiskey jugs. And washboards."
"What did you use?"
"I used my... washboard abs~ dirnt dirnt dirnt dirnt!" Isaac strummed his air guitar.
"THAT'S AN AIR-BAND!" Balmung slammed Isaac's head into the nearby stone wall.
This puny amount of violence was not enough to quench the Black Wind's thirst for blood. His third eye opened, flashing with crimson anger as he was about to fire off a Dark Fakinaway (← → A B)... but then he remembered that it was that time.
"Hell Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A)!"
---
Madao lived in a cardboard box - that's just what Madao do. This particular Madao had once been known as Hasegawa Taizo. Now he was a Madao like all the others. Wasting his days away in pachinko parlors... Becoming slightly less depressed when his newspaper blanket was the Sunday edition rather than a chewed up Tuesday sports insert... Contemplating suicide... It was all in a day's work, really, being a Madao.
But the times, they are a-changing. It was dangerous now to be a Madao, thought the Madao who used to be known as Hasegawa Taizo. There had been reports lately of a gang of children running around the parks and alleyways, kidnapping Madao and stuffing them into balls and forcing them to fight one another.
"I want you, Madaomon!" they would shout. Then they would smash Madao balls on the ground to release. Just where did they get off, playing with Madao balls? And so roughly, too. Children have no concept of delicacy in these matters.
Indeed, it was a frightening time to be a Madao, now that it was the Madao who feared child predators. The irony of the situation did not escape this particular Madao, who had never been a child predator, by the way. In either sense of the term.
It was while Madao was laying in his cardboard box, head filled with self-pitying thoughts, that a shadow descended across him. He looked up to see...
A flash of light...
A Madao ball.
---
"You can't be serious, Balmung. After all that hard work I put into turning you away from the dark side and you just go running back!"
"You came with me, or has it escaped you? The fact that you're currently a freeloader in our father's palace of darkness..."
Balmung and Isaac trudged through a dense forest. The brothers were dressed in their regular armor, Balmung having convinced Isaac that clubbing gear was not suitable for adventuring. Balmung somewhat regretted that the view was not as crotch-riffic as before, but he calmly tamped down on the animal instincts that wanted to ravish his younger twin. After all, none of his friends had been harmed or threatened as of yet, and so it was not time for Balmung to descend into a berserker rage, a minus.
"Father is evil," Isaac said with a sigh. "Why should we trust him when he says he's sending us on a quest to restore the balance of light? He is a very untrustworthy man."
"I trust him about as much as I trust runny diarrhea not to come spurting out of his ass at a moment's notice."
"Exactly."
"But," Balmung reasoned, "he has always been in love with Princess Justa Fakinaway. I don't doubt his feelings for her."
True enough, Isaac thought. He ran the events of that morning through his head once more, and it appeared to the Prince of Light that Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea was indeed sincere about his love for Princess Justa Fakinaway.
"I am sending you, my sons, to save Princess Justa Fakinaway!" the large demon had commanded. "Princess Justa Fakinaway is the fairest maiden in all the land! She is the holy angel, defender of light! Servants of evil, such as myself, are inexplicably attracted to her purity and wish to ravish her, but now she has been captured and put into an endless sleep by a servant of evil other than me! Thus, I, Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, have pledged to join with the forces of light in order to save her (and maybe capture her for myself)! Go forth, my sons!"
Isaac and Balmung looked on in shocked silence.
"Any questions?"
The twins shook their heads.
"Good."
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea then turned to a life-sized replica of said princess and proceeded to wail into her pink cylindrical bosom. "Princess~ My love~ Oh, I love you so much! Why have you always ditched me for plumbers and fairy boys?"
It might have been Isaac's imagination, but he thought he saw, if only for a moment, Princess Justa Fakinaway's life-size replica wrap her spindly arms around the demon king.
Isaac snapped out of his reverie with a shudder.
"Where is our little third wheel, anyway?" he asked his older brother. "Weren't we supposed to be meeting a - what was it father said? A plumber or a fairy boy?"
Suddenly, Balmung stiffened. And not his crotch - that had been stiff since he first walked into Isaac's room. No, Balmung stiffened all over, as if in shock. He pointed to the path ahead, toward the trees.
Shielding his eyes from the glare of sunlight, Isaac made out a vaguely human figure dressed in green. This person was rapidly approaching them.
"Hyaaaaa!" said the newcomer.
Balmung gasped as he recognized the young boy's outfit. The... the green-ness of it! And the leggings! Perhaps it was cosplay? Perhaps some stinking otaku had gotten lost on his way to Bentendo Space World?
"Why would father call him a 'fairy boy'?" Isaac asked. "He is clearly an elf!"
"Oh, I don't know, MAYBE IT'S THE LEGGINGS! OR THAT KILT THING HE'S WEARING! HE'S ALMOST AS FLAMING AS YOU!"
"That's a tunic."
"Hyaaa!" said the flaming fairy boy.
Isaac smiled. "Yes, hello."
"Huuaaaa-yaaa!"
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Twink. My name is Isaac, and this is my brother Balmung."
Balmung elbowed his way between them. "What's going on? Is this kid mute? How do you know what he's saying?"
"Hyaaa! Hyaaa! Hup, hyaa!"
"My apologizies," Isaac said to the boy. He then quickly turned his attention to his brother. "Twink here is going to help us save Princess Justa Fakinaway. He knows where she's being kept."
The green-clad fairy-elf-thing nodded vigorously. His blue eyes sparkled with the joy of do-goodery. "HYAAAAAA!" he proclaimed, the mighty battle-cry of the Hero of Space-Time echoing through the woods.
"Hya, hya, hya. I can't understand a single thing that's coming out of his mouth!"
Ever the helpful do-gooder, Twink vomited all over Balmung's spiky black boots.
Balmung glared at the elf with his third eye. "Thank you, Twink. I understood that."
"Honestly, Balmung," Isaac said, "it's not so difficult. It's not as if anyone watches Italian art films for the engaging dialogue. If anything, Italian art films are more enjoyable when you can't understand them! That way you can pretend to know what's going on and bullshit some theory to make others think you're so cultured and sophisticated."
At the mention of bullshit, Twink pulled down his leggings and defecated on Isaac's shiny white boots.
Isaac ignored this and continued on with an exasperated sigh leveled at his older twin. "But... I suppose if you're so against being confused... You could always ask for subtitles."
"Oh? And where should I ask for these... subtitles?" Balmung turned his third eye toward Isaac, silently beaming thoughts of darkness and destruction. "After all, I did not know that a person (fairy) could be subtitled."
Flies gathered around the spirals of elf-poo decorating Isaac's boots, which he continued to heroically ignore. "Don't say that, Balmung. After all, you're subtitled yourself! Or haven't you seen the input commands that pop up whenever you say Dark Fakinaway or Hell Fakinaway?"
"I've no idea what you're going on about. Dark Fakinaway (← → A B) and Hell Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A) need no subtitles. They are perfectly easy to understand and execute."
"See! The subtitles weren't there when I mentioned your moves, but when you said them..." Isaac conveniently ignored the execution comment. Heroically. In the same manner that he continued to heroically not notice that dung beetles had started pushing the fairy-poo on his boots into portable snack balls.
Balmung shook his head. "I'm not seeing it."
That was not the only thing he purposely wasn't seeing, if the fairy-vomit decorating his own boots was any indication.
"Hyaa-haaa hyaa," Twink said. He had been squirming about, adjusting his belt and checking his equipment as the brothers argued. To an innocent bystander, it would appear as if the boy were constipated. However, this could not be so, for he'd had no problems lettin' it rip on command all over Isaac's boots.
Twink appeared confused, perhaps because his speech was not subtitled. He adjusted his hood like a television antenna once more before trying again.
"Hup hyaaaa haaaa uwwaaaaaah! (Okay, I think they should be on now!)"
And indeed they were.
---
The inside of a Madao ball was actually pretty nice, all things considered. It was a decently furnished dwelling that Madao found himself in. At a cursory glance, Madao figured it was a 1LDK, an apartment for lonely singles of modest means partitioned into comfortably sized rooms.
In the living room, where he had first been dropped, Madao found a couch and a small TV. The couch was brown and rather rough, the TV had seen better days, and the TV stand looked a bit flimsy. There was also a coffee table (ugly, like a Madao's job prospects) and a floor lamp (dim, like a Madao's life). The adjoining kitchen and dining area were also plain but serviceable; the bedroom and bathroom also the same.
And everything was made of cardboard.
Yeah. The toilet, too.
At least the brown of the toilet bowl would obscure the brown of Madao's shitty life, since cardboard obviously could not function as a flushable hygienic instrument. Disheartened, Madao trudged back into the main room and plopped himself onto the cardboard couch. He grabbed the cardboard remote and pressed the cardboard buttons, all the while madly giggling to himself to keep from crying.
The cardboard screen of the cardboard TV flickered... and came to life.
Save me, Madao.
"W-who said that?"
It is I, Princess Justa Fakinaway.
Madao pushed up his sunglasses and rubbed at his eyes. No, the hallucination didn't go away.
There, on the TV, was a justaway! Only... this one was a girl justaway, and it had a little blonde wig on its head and lipstick on and everything... But the body was clearly that of a justaway - it was nothing but a pink cylinder with a flesh-colored dome for a head and toothpicks for arms!
Save me, Madao. You're my only hope.
Princess Justa Fakinaway stared at Madao from the screen, her soulless black eyes boring into him like a killer drill press. She beckoned to him, though her arms never moved. She called to his soul, though her mouth never moved.
Save me...
Fzzt! Static. The screen was cardboard once more.
"Fuckin' creepy," Madao mumbled. "There's never anything good on basic TV. I wonder if I can mooch off someone's cable."
---
The three heroes traveled deeper into the forest, their every step filled with purpose.
"You are clearly a Nightm*re ripoff! Just look at you! Don't tell me Hell Fakinaway isn't Hell Slayer!"
"They're completely different moves! Hell Slayer (Y X → Y) isn't even a finisher!"
"Aaaah! Nightm*re's move input shows up when you say it! Tama Calibur! You belong in Tama Calibur!"
"It's not true! There have been plenty of dark knight-type characters throughout video game history! You might as well say I'm a Metakn*ght ripoff from Skirby! He's even round like the dirty ball sacs you're so obsessed with!"
"Haaa! Yaaaah! (Balmung, you're the one who keeps mentioning fairies and ball sacs. Stop pushing your queerness onto others.)"
Isaac huffed indignantly. "Metakn*ght has nothing to do with this except for the fact that he's property of Bentendo, AS ARE YOU. Metakn*ght doesn't have a Hell Slayer ripoff move! Metakn*ght doesn't have a Darkside Spiral Serenade ripoff move!"
"Oi! Darkside Spiral Serenade (← ← Y) is *vy's move!"
...
There was silence as Isaac absorbed the fact that the move input showed up even then.
...
"Never mind that! Haven't you noticed Twink? You know who he's supposed to be! Everyone knows who he's supposed to be; it's so obvious!"
Twink pointed at himself questioningly.
"I know!" Balmung roared. "So what if he's from The Legend of Selda? So what if The Legend of Selda is property of Bentendo!"
Isaac grasped Balmung's shoulders and shook him. Ominously. "The answer is... TAMA CALIBUR II. I bet this entire fic has been a lousy drawn-out parody of Tama Calibur II: the GameSlab version."
Dun dun dun~
The ominous atmosphere was shattered as Twink raised his hand.
"Ha-hyaaa! Aaaaah, yaaaaa! (I liked the Qlaystation version better.)"
Balmung's third eye twitched and opened just a sliver.
Isaac cupped a hand over his mouth and whispered into his brother's ear, "Is a Bentendo mascot really allowed to endorse the Qlaystation?"
"Shut up," Balmung hissed back. "At least he's not a Z-Box fan. Ahem." He coughed loudly into his hand and tried to salvage the situation with a princely declaration:
"If we have to be a parody of something, I'd prefer it to be Super Slash Brothers."
"Ah, yes." Isaac beamed his heavenly smile at Balmung and once again placed a hand over his brother's armored shoulder. He stroked the cool metal plates flirtatiously. "Twink is in that game as well."
"So is Metakn*ght."
"And I can be Pete from Kid Isaacus. Say, we should cosplay at Bentendo Space World when this is over."
"Waaah! Hup! Eeeeeeh! Hyaaa! (No need for cosplay, you guys are already Super Slash Brothers. I've seen you looking at each other's crotches.)"
---
Meanwhile...
Madao, who had been lounging on the cardboard couch of his new abode, shot up as the TV screen flickered to life once more. Instead of the princess' hazy visage, he was treated to a forest scene. Three adventurers made their way through the woods, all the while bickering over the most inane things.
Princess Justa Fakinaway was nowhere to be seen, but her voice resounded clearly through his mind.
The heroes draw near. You must aid them, Madao.
"Those three?" Madao touched his hand to his chin, rubbing against the stubble contemplatively. "Mmm, they do have the fantasy hero look going on, but are you sure? It seems like they're more interested in boy bands and video games than saving princesses."
It is fine. Most fantasy heroes are like that these days.
"Is that really okay with the princesses, though? I mean, what about your happily ever after? You can't have happily ever after if the hero treats you like a sister," he said with a frown. Princess Justa Fakinaway was still a princess despite her lack of princess-ness (boobs), and as such, she deserved a fairy tale ending.
But the princess (or the telepathic vision of her that had been beamed into his head, anyway) was resolute. Her mouth set in a firm line, she told Madao of her thoughts on the matter.
I would rather be a sister than a political pawn or an object of lust. I would rather be loved chastely than be made to demean myself at the foot of a lascivious husband. Thus I say it is fine. ...They may be gayer than a barrel of monkeys on nitrous oxide riding on the rainbow leading to a leprechaun's pot o' gold that was farted out by Rainbow Dash during Sonic Rainboom, but they are chivalrous.
"Still, I think someone like you deserves to marry a Prince Charming..."
Prince Charming was a rapist, you know.
"...Huh?"
It's true. In the original tale of Sleeping Beauty, the princess gave birth to twins in her sleep. Some say she awoke as she felt the babes nursing at her breast, or as her son suckled the poison from her pricked finger. You see, Prince Charming had forced himself upon her as she slept, and he was already a married man anyway. Later, the Prince disposed of his first wife by fire. Literally, for he burned her alive once he grew tired of her jealousy, though she had much cause to be jealous since Prince Charming cheated on her relentlessly. Sleeping Beauty then wed her rapist.
Tears of disbelief streamed down Madao's face as the fairytales of his childhood were tele-pathetically dashed by a geometric princess. They poured like Niagara Falls, raining cats and buckets and spears and dead dogs upon the cardboard floor.
Your house shall be drenched if you do not dry your eyes, Princess Justa Fakinaway said impassively. See here - the evil one approaches. The final battle is about to begin. I will grant you a special move that only you can use, but you cannot fight while crying.
It was like putting salt on a snail's wound. The image of her lifeless eyes bored into his soul through his mind, raping the Sleeping Beauty that was his precious childhood spent watching Disney movies. On the screen, a humongous demon loomed over the landscape, all teeth and claws and possibly bad breath, though it was hard to tell that sort of thing without meeting someone in person.
Madao sobbed even louder.
---
"It can't be... Father?"
"Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, I knew we couldn't trust you!"
"Hyaa? (That's your dad? You guys don't look anything alike.)"
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea laughed villainously. It's just what villains do.
"But why?" Balmung asked. "We just had dinner together last night. Why not poison us then or assassinate us in our sleep rather than go through this farce of a quest?"
The giant demon scoffed at the stupidity on display. "I had to lure you out if I didn't want my castle destroyed. I spent months on the interior decorating alone!"
A round of blank stares ensued.
Sensing that no one had a snappy comeback prepared, Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea shook his head. "Fine, fine... How does the script go? Oh yeah. PREPARE TO DIE!"
Isaac deftly dodged the wave of dark energy headed his way. He readied his bow, but couldn't find an opening to shoot. To his right, Balmung was also dodging and blocking the energy blasts. Isaac's older twin brother cursed under his breath that the powers of darkness would be no use against their father.
To Isaac's right, Twink had also drawn his sword, and appeared to be engaging the Demon Emperor in a game of hot potato. Each ball of dark energy that Runny Diarrhea sent Twink's way was swatted back. Faster and faster the crackling energy flew between the combatants until it smacked Runny Diarrhea right in the face!
"Huaaa eeeeeh yaaa waaaah hup hyaaa-ha-hyaaaa! Uuuuuryaaaaaa haaaaa! (Fuck yeah!)"
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea sneezed a bit, and resumed his attack with no obvious damage.
Balmung glared at Twink. "Seriously. If the powers of darkness don't work on him, the powers of darkness don't work on him!"
"Hup hyaa? (Well it always worked for me before! How was I supposed to know you guys live in such a messed up world?)"
"Tch! Isaac, we're counting on you!"
Isaac grunted as he rolled to the side to avoid another attack. Coming up on one knee, he fired off a shot, barely glancing off the enemy's brow. "I'm trying, but he's targeting me!"
"BWAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW TO TAKE OUT THE PRINCE OF LIGHT FIRST? WITHOUT HIS POWERS OF LIGHT, YOU ARE DOOMED!"
"Don't you have light arrows as well?" Isaac shouted at Twink.
"Hyaa! (Hold on!)"
The elf-boy dug through his pockets, removing various gadgets and doo-dads and wig-wams. There was a bag full of bombs. And another bag full of bombs. And a bagpipe full of bombs. And a hammer with a head as big as MC Hammer's hammer pants. All of these came from the small brown belt he wore around his waist, and none of them were of any use in the final boss battle.
But then...
"Ah. (Ah.)" Twink reached under his hood and retrieved a cardboard orb which he held above his head as if it were a mystical treasure! "Hyaaaa hyaa-aaa! (Madao sparking!)"
Twink smashed Madao's ball to release.
With a flash of light, a middle-aged bum appeared on the battlefield. A suspicious stream of wetness leaked out from under his sunglasses.
"Yeah, I gotcha," Madao said. He charged his laser. "Imma chargin' mah lazer! MADAO SPECIAL: JUSTA FAKINAWAY YOUR LIFE!"
The Hadouken-that-was-not-a-Hadouken flew out from Madao's outstretched palms like a Kamehameha-that-was-not-a-Kamehameha. It blasted a swath through the forest, incinerating everything in its path, including the Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, who didn't even get to say that he was blasting off again.
In the sizzling aftermath, a few birds cautiously chirped. Perhaps they were calling for their loved ones. "Mommy? Oh god, Mommy's been Kamehameha-ed!" Perhaps that was what they were saying, but no one ever gives a crap about the civilian casualties when giant monsters and robots raze Edo on a weekly basis, and so no one cared about the woodland creatures. And in Madao's mind, which had been raped by the Princess Justa Fakinaway, Bambi's mother was killed by a Hadouken to the face and Thumper just pointed and laughed. (He sobbed internally at the thought.)
However, there comes a time in every Madao's life when he has to suck it up, put away the excuses. Man up! Men, be a Madao! Just do it! Madao sucked in his squishy feelings and looked around at his surroundings.
There, just to the side of the scorched earth, lay a glass coffin. There, in the glass coffin, lay Princess Justa Fakinaway. She was much smaller in real life.
Actually, as Madao approached, he found her to be roughly palm-sized, like a justaway.
...
But it couldn't be! She wasn't just a justaway, she was just a fakinaway! Wait - what's a fakinaway? How many times has that word come up now, and nobody had the foresight to explain what the Hell a Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A) is supposed to be? For that matter, what's a justaway? A justaway is just a justaway! AND SO IS THE PRINCESS!
"Princess Justaway- I mean, Justa Fakinaway!" he cried.
So you have found out the truth about me.
"It's... It's a lie~! PRINCESS~!"
I'm sorry, Madao. I loved you, and yet I kept this from you. It's true: I am just a justaway.
"No," he sobbed. Madao pushed up his sunglasses and covered his eyes with his sleeves. "No, it can't be... What was all that about fairy tales, then? Did it all mean nothing to you?"
My time with you was wonderful. Thank you, Madao. You have freed me... from being used as a dildo.
At this, Princess Justa Fakinaway's body burst outward. Her domed head exploded in a mushroom cloud. And she died as just a justaway.
Madao's sniffles gradually died down, and as they did, he slowly came upon an important realization. It was this lesson that Princess Justa Fakinaway sacrificed herself to impart to him.
Fuck everything. It's all meaningless. Life... is just a justaway.
JUSTAWAY JUST THROW AWAY!
Like a manic-depressive during the manic stage which doctors say are the most at risk of suicide, Madao quickly scavenged a rope, fashioned it into a noose, and prepared to hang himself.
"Hyaaaa waaah! (Well, the day has been saved. I'm off now!)" Twink interrupted Madao's emo-fest with his customary shouting, which Balmung and Isaac took as their cues to break the silence.
"Take care," Isaac said. He and Twink waved goodbye to each other as the green-clad young man ran off down the path. Twink was almost a dot at the horizon when he came across another hobo and smashed his Madao ball to capture that one instead. Hopefully his new Madao was less suicidal and would last longer than the previous one.
Balmung grunted at the display. "Good riddance."
"Yes," Madao said gloomily, "good riddance to life..." He kicked the boulder out from underneath his own legs. The rope tightened, and then all he could say was, "Gluuurgh garble blarble!"
---
Balmung and Isaac moved into Madao's cardboard box. It wasn't as fancy as the Madao ball. There wasn't a cardboard TV or anything, but it was home, and the three of them were warm as long as they had each other's hearts.
And they lived happily ever after in poverty. In their spare time, they formed a band. B'z was revived as B'z Version 2: B'z Love... a jug band!
The end.
-----
"So how was it, Pachi?"
"...Stay Fakinaway From Me."
-----
Notes:
Does anyone really need notes? Huuuh? Notes are for losers. Are you a loser? Shove this in your adult diaper and weep forever, ya worthless bum.
1. Smashing Blue = Gravitation song, because Isaac wishes he could play a kinky Blind Game Again with his bandmates in the style of a certain pink-haired B(ad) L(uck) lead singer...
2. ...and that is why BL is short for B'z Love. You get it, don'tcha? Wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Betrayal Knows Their Name. That name is "Ballsless" and Catherine must be a virgin because she has cat ears. Might I also add that the twins are B(ell) L(iberty) alumni?
3. Sleeping Beauty = Sun, Moon, and Talia. Look it up and sob for humanity.
4. The Legend of Selda, Tama Calibur, Madaomon, Super Slash Brothers (see #2 above), and other assorted Very Obvious game references... If you can't figure these out, you need to get off the computer and play more console games. I'm not talking to you until you do.
5. I deeply apologize for the existence of this fic.
6. I doubly deeply apologize for the existence of these notes that make even less sense than the fic.
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing(s): Burgundy with steak, Riesling with seafood, Justaway x Fakinaway, and Balmung Fezalion x Isaac Schneider x WTF-is-this-I-don't-even-
Summary: WOW WOW WOW WOW BAD COMMUNICATION. BL is short for B'z Love. Bentendo, my love for you is like diarrhea because I just can't keep it in. This fic was pulled out of a monkey's butt like Zeus giving birth to Athena.
Public Service Announcement: I know this is shitty. It's shitty on purpose. I WORKED REALLY HARD TO MAKE THIS AS SHIT-INFESTED AS POSSIBLE, OKAY? Just think of these words as my virtual poop being flung onto your screen. Please make sure to wash your hands before returning to work.
Balmung Fezalion, also known as the Black Wind, captain of the Fakinaway dark knights and the future Brutal Emperor Kaiser Fakinaway, cut a fearsome figure as he strode through the halls of his father's - Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea's - castle of darkness. Balmung's dark violet hair swirled around his darkly handsome figure, sensually caressing his corded muscles under the spiked armor of the Fakinaway dark knights. As usual, the prince was coldly composed. His self-assured aura commanded the respect of all the low-level demons who bowed to him as he passed.
A few months ago, Balmung had stormed the castle with his dark knights, wholly intent on usurping his father's throne. However, he had been distracted by the idea of forming a band and had abandoned that quest mid-way. After a tearful reunion and apologies all around, he and his father had made amends and were again co-habiting peacefully. (Or about as peacefully as demons can, which meant that they each regularly called upon the powers of darkness to extinguish the other in order to avenge slights against their pride. Such slights included not being passed the salt at dinnertime or having to deal with a bathroom hog when they all knew very well that a certain someone in the family suffered constant runny diarrhea.)
Giving curt nods to the servants who scurried out of the way, Balmung approached the room at the furthest end of the north wing. What used to be a storage area had recently been converted to living quarters, and it was this guest whom Balmung had business with now.
"Isaac!" he bellowed, slamming the door open.
"Oh! Oh! Smashing blue, oh! Oh!"
Isaac Schneider, also known as the Prince of Light, Balmung's younger twin brother with whom he had been separated at birth and who had been raised in comfort while Balmung had been abandoned, bounced around belting the lyrics of his newest song while strumming air-guitar. Isaac's blond hair glimmered as he jumped on top of the covers of the large bed that had been provided for him. He front-flipped, he back-flipped; he did the splits in mid-air, giving Balmung a nice view of his package. Not only that, but he was in his band outfit: a tight pink leopard print shirt and teeny-tiny-tight-tight shorts. It was hot enough to give Balmung homo-twincestuous thoughts, though he ignored those for the moment.
"Isaac," he said with a frown, "you can't keep moping about just because our record deal was terminated."
"Balmung!" Isaac cried. He landed across the room to engage his brother. "You wouldn't understand my dream! My musician's soul is howling at the moon for this!"
"Howling? Don't fuck with me. No one would mistake a hairless twink like you for a wolf."
"And I know you only went along with my plan on a whim, but I'm serious. When I was little, I had already started a jug band with the neighborhood children. I have always wanted to be the sexy gay frontman of an anime band who wears ridiculously flamboyant clothes and has pink hair and big shiny eyes!"
"You don't have pink hair."
"Technicalities."
"And what is this 'jug band' you speak of? Is that another technicality?"
"A jug band is like a broke-ass garage band, but even more broker-ass because no one can afford to buy any instruments."
"So it's an all-air band. Did you get a zombie on air-keyboard?"
"No, a jug band is different from an air band. You make music with the milk jugs you have on hand."
"Stop fucking with me. You're so gay you'd throw up at the sight of milk jugs."
"And we also used whiskey jugs. And washboards."
"What did you use?"
"I used my... washboard abs~ dirnt dirnt dirnt dirnt!" Isaac strummed his air guitar.
"THAT'S AN AIR-BAND!" Balmung slammed Isaac's head into the nearby stone wall.
This puny amount of violence was not enough to quench the Black Wind's thirst for blood. His third eye opened, flashing with crimson anger as he was about to fire off a Dark Fakinaway (← → A B)... but then he remembered that it was that time.
"Hell Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A)!"
---
Madao lived in a cardboard box - that's just what Madao do. This particular Madao had once been known as Hasegawa Taizo. Now he was a Madao like all the others. Wasting his days away in pachinko parlors... Becoming slightly less depressed when his newspaper blanket was the Sunday edition rather than a chewed up Tuesday sports insert... Contemplating suicide... It was all in a day's work, really, being a Madao.
But the times, they are a-changing. It was dangerous now to be a Madao, thought the Madao who used to be known as Hasegawa Taizo. There had been reports lately of a gang of children running around the parks and alleyways, kidnapping Madao and stuffing them into balls and forcing them to fight one another.
"I want you, Madaomon!" they would shout. Then they would smash Madao balls on the ground to release. Just where did they get off, playing with Madao balls? And so roughly, too. Children have no concept of delicacy in these matters.
Indeed, it was a frightening time to be a Madao, now that it was the Madao who feared child predators. The irony of the situation did not escape this particular Madao, who had never been a child predator, by the way. In either sense of the term.
It was while Madao was laying in his cardboard box, head filled with self-pitying thoughts, that a shadow descended across him. He looked up to see...
A flash of light...
A Madao ball.
---
"You can't be serious, Balmung. After all that hard work I put into turning you away from the dark side and you just go running back!"
"You came with me, or has it escaped you? The fact that you're currently a freeloader in our father's palace of darkness..."
Balmung and Isaac trudged through a dense forest. The brothers were dressed in their regular armor, Balmung having convinced Isaac that clubbing gear was not suitable for adventuring. Balmung somewhat regretted that the view was not as crotch-riffic as before, but he calmly tamped down on the animal instincts that wanted to ravish his younger twin. After all, none of his friends had been harmed or threatened as of yet, and so it was not time for Balmung to descend into a berserker rage, a minus.
"Father is evil," Isaac said with a sigh. "Why should we trust him when he says he's sending us on a quest to restore the balance of light? He is a very untrustworthy man."
"I trust him about as much as I trust runny diarrhea not to come spurting out of his ass at a moment's notice."
"Exactly."
"But," Balmung reasoned, "he has always been in love with Princess Justa Fakinaway. I don't doubt his feelings for her."
True enough, Isaac thought. He ran the events of that morning through his head once more, and it appeared to the Prince of Light that Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea was indeed sincere about his love for Princess Justa Fakinaway.
"I am sending you, my sons, to save Princess Justa Fakinaway!" the large demon had commanded. "Princess Justa Fakinaway is the fairest maiden in all the land! She is the holy angel, defender of light! Servants of evil, such as myself, are inexplicably attracted to her purity and wish to ravish her, but now she has been captured and put into an endless sleep by a servant of evil other than me! Thus, I, Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, have pledged to join with the forces of light in order to save her (and maybe capture her for myself)! Go forth, my sons!"
Isaac and Balmung looked on in shocked silence.
"Any questions?"
The twins shook their heads.
"Good."
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea then turned to a life-sized replica of said princess and proceeded to wail into her pink cylindrical bosom. "Princess~ My love~ Oh, I love you so much! Why have you always ditched me for plumbers and fairy boys?"
It might have been Isaac's imagination, but he thought he saw, if only for a moment, Princess Justa Fakinaway's life-size replica wrap her spindly arms around the demon king.
Isaac snapped out of his reverie with a shudder.
"Where is our little third wheel, anyway?" he asked his older brother. "Weren't we supposed to be meeting a - what was it father said? A plumber or a fairy boy?"
Suddenly, Balmung stiffened. And not his crotch - that had been stiff since he first walked into Isaac's room. No, Balmung stiffened all over, as if in shock. He pointed to the path ahead, toward the trees.
Shielding his eyes from the glare of sunlight, Isaac made out a vaguely human figure dressed in green. This person was rapidly approaching them.
"Hyaaaaa!" said the newcomer.
Balmung gasped as he recognized the young boy's outfit. The... the green-ness of it! And the leggings! Perhaps it was cosplay? Perhaps some stinking otaku had gotten lost on his way to Bentendo Space World?
"Why would father call him a 'fairy boy'?" Isaac asked. "He is clearly an elf!"
"Oh, I don't know, MAYBE IT'S THE LEGGINGS! OR THAT KILT THING HE'S WEARING! HE'S ALMOST AS FLAMING AS YOU!"
"That's a tunic."
"Hyaaa!" said the flaming fairy boy.
Isaac smiled. "Yes, hello."
"Huuaaaa-yaaa!"
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Twink. My name is Isaac, and this is my brother Balmung."
Balmung elbowed his way between them. "What's going on? Is this kid mute? How do you know what he's saying?"
"Hyaaa! Hyaaa! Hup, hyaa!"
"My apologizies," Isaac said to the boy. He then quickly turned his attention to his brother. "Twink here is going to help us save Princess Justa Fakinaway. He knows where she's being kept."
The green-clad fairy-elf-thing nodded vigorously. His blue eyes sparkled with the joy of do-goodery. "HYAAAAAA!" he proclaimed, the mighty battle-cry of the Hero of Space-Time echoing through the woods.
"Hya, hya, hya. I can't understand a single thing that's coming out of his mouth!"
Ever the helpful do-gooder, Twink vomited all over Balmung's spiky black boots.
Balmung glared at the elf with his third eye. "Thank you, Twink. I understood that."
"Honestly, Balmung," Isaac said, "it's not so difficult. It's not as if anyone watches Italian art films for the engaging dialogue. If anything, Italian art films are more enjoyable when you can't understand them! That way you can pretend to know what's going on and bullshit some theory to make others think you're so cultured and sophisticated."
At the mention of bullshit, Twink pulled down his leggings and defecated on Isaac's shiny white boots.
Isaac ignored this and continued on with an exasperated sigh leveled at his older twin. "But... I suppose if you're so against being confused... You could always ask for subtitles."
"Oh? And where should I ask for these... subtitles?" Balmung turned his third eye toward Isaac, silently beaming thoughts of darkness and destruction. "After all, I did not know that a person (fairy) could be subtitled."
Flies gathered around the spirals of elf-poo decorating Isaac's boots, which he continued to heroically ignore. "Don't say that, Balmung. After all, you're subtitled yourself! Or haven't you seen the input commands that pop up whenever you say Dark Fakinaway or Hell Fakinaway?"
"I've no idea what you're going on about. Dark Fakinaway (← → A B) and Hell Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A) need no subtitles. They are perfectly easy to understand and execute."
"See! The subtitles weren't there when I mentioned your moves, but when you said them..." Isaac conveniently ignored the execution comment. Heroically. In the same manner that he continued to heroically not notice that dung beetles had started pushing the fairy-poo on his boots into portable snack balls.
Balmung shook his head. "I'm not seeing it."
That was not the only thing he purposely wasn't seeing, if the fairy-vomit decorating his own boots was any indication.
"Hyaa-haaa hyaa," Twink said. He had been squirming about, adjusting his belt and checking his equipment as the brothers argued. To an innocent bystander, it would appear as if the boy were constipated. However, this could not be so, for he'd had no problems lettin' it rip on command all over Isaac's boots.
Twink appeared confused, perhaps because his speech was not subtitled. He adjusted his hood like a television antenna once more before trying again.
"Hup hyaaaa haaaa uwwaaaaaah! (Okay, I think they should be on now!)"
And indeed they were.
---
The inside of a Madao ball was actually pretty nice, all things considered. It was a decently furnished dwelling that Madao found himself in. At a cursory glance, Madao figured it was a 1LDK, an apartment for lonely singles of modest means partitioned into comfortably sized rooms.
In the living room, where he had first been dropped, Madao found a couch and a small TV. The couch was brown and rather rough, the TV had seen better days, and the TV stand looked a bit flimsy. There was also a coffee table (ugly, like a Madao's job prospects) and a floor lamp (dim, like a Madao's life). The adjoining kitchen and dining area were also plain but serviceable; the bedroom and bathroom also the same.
And everything was made of cardboard.
Yeah. The toilet, too.
At least the brown of the toilet bowl would obscure the brown of Madao's shitty life, since cardboard obviously could not function as a flushable hygienic instrument. Disheartened, Madao trudged back into the main room and plopped himself onto the cardboard couch. He grabbed the cardboard remote and pressed the cardboard buttons, all the while madly giggling to himself to keep from crying.
The cardboard screen of the cardboard TV flickered... and came to life.
Save me, Madao.
"W-who said that?"
It is I, Princess Justa Fakinaway.
Madao pushed up his sunglasses and rubbed at his eyes. No, the hallucination didn't go away.
There, on the TV, was a justaway! Only... this one was a girl justaway, and it had a little blonde wig on its head and lipstick on and everything... But the body was clearly that of a justaway - it was nothing but a pink cylinder with a flesh-colored dome for a head and toothpicks for arms!
Save me, Madao. You're my only hope.
Princess Justa Fakinaway stared at Madao from the screen, her soulless black eyes boring into him like a killer drill press. She beckoned to him, though her arms never moved. She called to his soul, though her mouth never moved.
Save me...
Fzzt! Static. The screen was cardboard once more.
"Fuckin' creepy," Madao mumbled. "There's never anything good on basic TV. I wonder if I can mooch off someone's cable."
---
The three heroes traveled deeper into the forest, their every step filled with purpose.
"You are clearly a Nightm*re ripoff! Just look at you! Don't tell me Hell Fakinaway isn't Hell Slayer!"
"They're completely different moves! Hell Slayer (Y X → Y) isn't even a finisher!"
"Aaaah! Nightm*re's move input shows up when you say it! Tama Calibur! You belong in Tama Calibur!"
"It's not true! There have been plenty of dark knight-type characters throughout video game history! You might as well say I'm a Metakn*ght ripoff from Skirby! He's even round like the dirty ball sacs you're so obsessed with!"
"Haaa! Yaaaah! (Balmung, you're the one who keeps mentioning fairies and ball sacs. Stop pushing your queerness onto others.)"
Isaac huffed indignantly. "Metakn*ght has nothing to do with this except for the fact that he's property of Bentendo, AS ARE YOU. Metakn*ght doesn't have a Hell Slayer ripoff move! Metakn*ght doesn't have a Darkside Spiral Serenade ripoff move!"
"Oi! Darkside Spiral Serenade (← ← Y) is *vy's move!"
...
There was silence as Isaac absorbed the fact that the move input showed up even then.
...
"Never mind that! Haven't you noticed Twink? You know who he's supposed to be! Everyone knows who he's supposed to be; it's so obvious!"
Twink pointed at himself questioningly.
"I know!" Balmung roared. "So what if he's from The Legend of Selda? So what if The Legend of Selda is property of Bentendo!"
Isaac grasped Balmung's shoulders and shook him. Ominously. "The answer is... TAMA CALIBUR II. I bet this entire fic has been a lousy drawn-out parody of Tama Calibur II: the GameSlab version."
Dun dun dun~
The ominous atmosphere was shattered as Twink raised his hand.
"Ha-hyaaa! Aaaaah, yaaaaa! (I liked the Qlaystation version better.)"
Balmung's third eye twitched and opened just a sliver.
Isaac cupped a hand over his mouth and whispered into his brother's ear, "Is a Bentendo mascot really allowed to endorse the Qlaystation?"
"Shut up," Balmung hissed back. "At least he's not a Z-Box fan. Ahem." He coughed loudly into his hand and tried to salvage the situation with a princely declaration:
"If we have to be a parody of something, I'd prefer it to be Super Slash Brothers."
"Ah, yes." Isaac beamed his heavenly smile at Balmung and once again placed a hand over his brother's armored shoulder. He stroked the cool metal plates flirtatiously. "Twink is in that game as well."
"So is Metakn*ght."
"And I can be Pete from Kid Isaacus. Say, we should cosplay at Bentendo Space World when this is over."
"Waaah! Hup! Eeeeeeh! Hyaaa! (No need for cosplay, you guys are already Super Slash Brothers. I've seen you looking at each other's crotches.)"
---
Meanwhile...
Madao, who had been lounging on the cardboard couch of his new abode, shot up as the TV screen flickered to life once more. Instead of the princess' hazy visage, he was treated to a forest scene. Three adventurers made their way through the woods, all the while bickering over the most inane things.
Princess Justa Fakinaway was nowhere to be seen, but her voice resounded clearly through his mind.
The heroes draw near. You must aid them, Madao.
"Those three?" Madao touched his hand to his chin, rubbing against the stubble contemplatively. "Mmm, they do have the fantasy hero look going on, but are you sure? It seems like they're more interested in boy bands and video games than saving princesses."
It is fine. Most fantasy heroes are like that these days.
"Is that really okay with the princesses, though? I mean, what about your happily ever after? You can't have happily ever after if the hero treats you like a sister," he said with a frown. Princess Justa Fakinaway was still a princess despite her lack of princess-ness (boobs), and as such, she deserved a fairy tale ending.
But the princess (or the telepathic vision of her that had been beamed into his head, anyway) was resolute. Her mouth set in a firm line, she told Madao of her thoughts on the matter.
I would rather be a sister than a political pawn or an object of lust. I would rather be loved chastely than be made to demean myself at the foot of a lascivious husband. Thus I say it is fine. ...They may be gayer than a barrel of monkeys on nitrous oxide riding on the rainbow leading to a leprechaun's pot o' gold that was farted out by Rainbow Dash during Sonic Rainboom, but they are chivalrous.
"Still, I think someone like you deserves to marry a Prince Charming..."
Prince Charming was a rapist, you know.
"...Huh?"
It's true. In the original tale of Sleeping Beauty, the princess gave birth to twins in her sleep. Some say she awoke as she felt the babes nursing at her breast, or as her son suckled the poison from her pricked finger. You see, Prince Charming had forced himself upon her as she slept, and he was already a married man anyway. Later, the Prince disposed of his first wife by fire. Literally, for he burned her alive once he grew tired of her jealousy, though she had much cause to be jealous since Prince Charming cheated on her relentlessly. Sleeping Beauty then wed her rapist.
Tears of disbelief streamed down Madao's face as the fairytales of his childhood were tele-pathetically dashed by a geometric princess. They poured like Niagara Falls, raining cats and buckets and spears and dead dogs upon the cardboard floor.
Your house shall be drenched if you do not dry your eyes, Princess Justa Fakinaway said impassively. See here - the evil one approaches. The final battle is about to begin. I will grant you a special move that only you can use, but you cannot fight while crying.
It was like putting salt on a snail's wound. The image of her lifeless eyes bored into his soul through his mind, raping the Sleeping Beauty that was his precious childhood spent watching Disney movies. On the screen, a humongous demon loomed over the landscape, all teeth and claws and possibly bad breath, though it was hard to tell that sort of thing without meeting someone in person.
Madao sobbed even louder.
---
"It can't be... Father?"
"Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, I knew we couldn't trust you!"
"Hyaa? (That's your dad? You guys don't look anything alike.)"
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea laughed villainously. It's just what villains do.
"But why?" Balmung asked. "We just had dinner together last night. Why not poison us then or assassinate us in our sleep rather than go through this farce of a quest?"
The giant demon scoffed at the stupidity on display. "I had to lure you out if I didn't want my castle destroyed. I spent months on the interior decorating alone!"
A round of blank stares ensued.
Sensing that no one had a snappy comeback prepared, Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea shook his head. "Fine, fine... How does the script go? Oh yeah. PREPARE TO DIE!"
Isaac deftly dodged the wave of dark energy headed his way. He readied his bow, but couldn't find an opening to shoot. To his right, Balmung was also dodging and blocking the energy blasts. Isaac's older twin brother cursed under his breath that the powers of darkness would be no use against their father.
To Isaac's right, Twink had also drawn his sword, and appeared to be engaging the Demon Emperor in a game of hot potato. Each ball of dark energy that Runny Diarrhea sent Twink's way was swatted back. Faster and faster the crackling energy flew between the combatants until it smacked Runny Diarrhea right in the face!
"Huaaa eeeeeh yaaa waaaah hup hyaaa-ha-hyaaaa! Uuuuuryaaaaaa haaaaa! (Fuck yeah!)"
Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea sneezed a bit, and resumed his attack with no obvious damage.
Balmung glared at Twink. "Seriously. If the powers of darkness don't work on him, the powers of darkness don't work on him!"
"Hup hyaa? (Well it always worked for me before! How was I supposed to know you guys live in such a messed up world?)"
"Tch! Isaac, we're counting on you!"
Isaac grunted as he rolled to the side to avoid another attack. Coming up on one knee, he fired off a shot, barely glancing off the enemy's brow. "I'm trying, but he's targeting me!"
"BWAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW TO TAKE OUT THE PRINCE OF LIGHT FIRST? WITHOUT HIS POWERS OF LIGHT, YOU ARE DOOMED!"
"Don't you have light arrows as well?" Isaac shouted at Twink.
"Hyaa! (Hold on!)"
The elf-boy dug through his pockets, removing various gadgets and doo-dads and wig-wams. There was a bag full of bombs. And another bag full of bombs. And a bagpipe full of bombs. And a hammer with a head as big as MC Hammer's hammer pants. All of these came from the small brown belt he wore around his waist, and none of them were of any use in the final boss battle.
But then...
"Ah. (Ah.)" Twink reached under his hood and retrieved a cardboard orb which he held above his head as if it were a mystical treasure! "Hyaaaa hyaa-aaa! (Madao sparking!)"
Twink smashed Madao's ball to release.
With a flash of light, a middle-aged bum appeared on the battlefield. A suspicious stream of wetness leaked out from under his sunglasses.
"Yeah, I gotcha," Madao said. He charged his laser. "Imma chargin' mah lazer! MADAO SPECIAL: JUSTA FAKINAWAY YOUR LIFE!"
The Hadouken-that-was-not-a-Hadouken flew out from Madao's outstretched palms like a Kamehameha-that-was-not-a-Kamehameha. It blasted a swath through the forest, incinerating everything in its path, including the Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, who didn't even get to say that he was blasting off again.
In the sizzling aftermath, a few birds cautiously chirped. Perhaps they were calling for their loved ones. "Mommy? Oh god, Mommy's been Kamehameha-ed!" Perhaps that was what they were saying, but no one ever gives a crap about the civilian casualties when giant monsters and robots raze Edo on a weekly basis, and so no one cared about the woodland creatures. And in Madao's mind, which had been raped by the Princess Justa Fakinaway, Bambi's mother was killed by a Hadouken to the face and Thumper just pointed and laughed. (He sobbed internally at the thought.)
However, there comes a time in every Madao's life when he has to suck it up, put away the excuses. Man up! Men, be a Madao! Just do it! Madao sucked in his squishy feelings and looked around at his surroundings.
There, just to the side of the scorched earth, lay a glass coffin. There, in the glass coffin, lay Princess Justa Fakinaway. She was much smaller in real life.
Actually, as Madao approached, he found her to be roughly palm-sized, like a justaway.
...
But it couldn't be! She wasn't just a justaway, she was just a fakinaway! Wait - what's a fakinaway? How many times has that word come up now, and nobody had the foresight to explain what the Hell a Fakinaway (↓ ↑ X A) is supposed to be? For that matter, what's a justaway? A justaway is just a justaway! AND SO IS THE PRINCESS!
"Princess Justaway- I mean, Justa Fakinaway!" he cried.
So you have found out the truth about me.
"It's... It's a lie~! PRINCESS~!"
I'm sorry, Madao. I loved you, and yet I kept this from you. It's true: I am just a justaway.
"No," he sobbed. Madao pushed up his sunglasses and covered his eyes with his sleeves. "No, it can't be... What was all that about fairy tales, then? Did it all mean nothing to you?"
My time with you was wonderful. Thank you, Madao. You have freed me... from being used as a dildo.
At this, Princess Justa Fakinaway's body burst outward. Her domed head exploded in a mushroom cloud. And she died as just a justaway.
Madao's sniffles gradually died down, and as they did, he slowly came upon an important realization. It was this lesson that Princess Justa Fakinaway sacrificed herself to impart to him.
Fuck everything. It's all meaningless. Life... is just a justaway.
JUSTAWAY JUST THROW AWAY!
Like a manic-depressive during the manic stage which doctors say are the most at risk of suicide, Madao quickly scavenged a rope, fashioned it into a noose, and prepared to hang himself.
"Hyaaaa waaah! (Well, the day has been saved. I'm off now!)" Twink interrupted Madao's emo-fest with his customary shouting, which Balmung and Isaac took as their cues to break the silence.
"Take care," Isaac said. He and Twink waved goodbye to each other as the green-clad young man ran off down the path. Twink was almost a dot at the horizon when he came across another hobo and smashed his Madao ball to capture that one instead. Hopefully his new Madao was less suicidal and would last longer than the previous one.
Balmung grunted at the display. "Good riddance."
"Yes," Madao said gloomily, "good riddance to life..." He kicked the boulder out from underneath his own legs. The rope tightened, and then all he could say was, "Gluuurgh garble blarble!"
---
Balmung and Isaac moved into Madao's cardboard box. It wasn't as fancy as the Madao ball. There wasn't a cardboard TV or anything, but it was home, and the three of them were warm as long as they had each other's hearts.
And they lived happily ever after in poverty. In their spare time, they formed a band. B'z was revived as B'z Version 2: B'z Love... a jug band!
The end.
-----
"So how was it, Pachi?"
"...Stay Fakinaway From Me."
-----
Notes:
Does anyone really need notes? Huuuh? Notes are for losers. Are you a loser? Shove this in your adult diaper and weep forever, ya worthless bum.
1. Smashing Blue = Gravitation song, because Isaac wishes he could play a kinky Blind Game Again with his bandmates in the style of a certain pink-haired B(ad) L(uck) lead singer...
2. ...and that is why BL is short for B'z Love. You get it, don'tcha? Wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Betrayal Knows Their Name. That name is "Ballsless" and Catherine must be a virgin because she has cat ears. Might I also add that the twins are B(ell) L(iberty) alumni?
3. Sleeping Beauty = Sun, Moon, and Talia. Look it up and sob for humanity.
4. The Legend of Selda, Tama Calibur, Madaomon, Super Slash Brothers (see #2 above), and other assorted Very Obvious game references... If you can't figure these out, you need to get off the computer and play more console games. I'm not talking to you until you do.
5. I deeply apologize for the existence of this fic.
6. I doubly deeply apologize for the existence of these notes that make even less sense than the fic.