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hanaurimusume December 13 2009, 20:14:21 UTC
Haha, I was JUST talking about this with my therapist too! Because I said something, I forget what. It was something like 'but I don't know if I've considered averything properly yet. Maybe I haven't thought about it right or enough.' And she was just like, 'you think. SO MUCH. About EVERYTHING. All the time.'
Haha.

It was weird because when I looked feminine a lot of my actions were 'unfeminine' because I was a slob and did a lot of masculine things. But my speech patterns and physical gestures were pretty feminine. I think a lot of guys liked that they could relate to my likes and hobbies and what I did while still being able to be attracted to me as 'yeah its a hot girl that likes dude stuff!' or something. But when I transitioned it was kind of backwards and I ended up feeling like 'holy shit I am faggy' and people would yell 'fag' at me while I was just moseying around.

I DONT KNOW. In highschool I was supposedly 'straight' socially, even though I didn't date so everyone assumed I was a lesbian. But at the same time I was obsessed with gay men and gay sex. And currently I don't even know, I really like the person I like but outside of that it's not like I'd be 'seeking men' exclusively. Or something. Mostly because of all the reasons i listed in the above entry. Haha. Slimmer chance of compatibility. In which I mostly mean intellectually and in conversation, both of which are more important to me that the sex part. how was I supposed to be gay identified when the physical part that made it gay then became the least important part? What kind of sexual identity is liking a person's brain? SHIT DOES THIS STILL MAKE SENSE??

I realized the gap between physical transition for the self and social transition like, maybe a year ago/maybe more recently. Which seems stupid that I wouldn't have been mmore actively aware of it WHILE transitioning, but I think I forced myself not to because it was SO SCARY, I just wanted to do my thing and have it all work out magically like I wanted it to, and only think about the parts that i wanted to see and like.

SORRY LONG COMMENT. I should be writing a paper but I'm just so burnt out on that shit.

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