(no subject)
there was a little spot on my kitty's neck, there the black fur met orange fur. it was like the clashing of vibrant notes, but when you ran your finger across the divide, there was no seam. your finger stayed perfectly cushioned by both colors, and it was a spot she really liked to be scratched.
when the vet said, "you can tell she is well loved," i paused to think about her life, my kitty's sixteen years, the tears from every member of the family, and the realization that even though i had said to my kitty a million times, "i love my little kitty," how i realized that it was true. not that i had ever doubted my love for my cat, but to have that gut-wrenching feeling wash over you like a wave, to suddenly know what the void truly feels like at one moment of time. we see pets come and see pets go, our friends and acquaintances share their loses, but it's when your loved one goes that you really feel it- the fragility of life, the shortness, the circle.
it hurts that i won't ever pet my kitty again, hear her shrill meow, feel her jump up on my bed, and yes, even when she has been purring so much that water collects on her nose and when she finally shakes her head, i get sprayed with her excessive drool... i try not to cry anymore, but sometimes that feels like the right thing to do. i know in time all that will be left will be good memories, but i still feel her absence.
i find myself examining my own mortality. am i living every day to its fullest? am i finding what i've been searching for, that niche where i feel like i have found my home? do i feel regrets? really... i don't so much.
did i see my kitty enough in the last few years? maybe. every time i went home, i made sure to spend time with her. i think she had a good last day- even though she had gone completely blind in the last couple of days, she was able to eat a meal and drink some water. she was able to go outside and at least feel the grass and the air and the crispness of autumn. she was able to find a little solitude. she was pet, she was kissed, and finally, she was surrounded and hugged. i hope that in the last moment, she knew she was loved and that she felt she had a good life. most of the things, we chose for her- her food, her environment... i hope that we chose well for her in the end, and i think we did. i hope the pain was lifted, and i hope she knew that's all we wanted to do.
it's time to say goodnight... i hope i can let it all go soon, and not feel sad when i think about her, but only think about the good things. i think death hits me hard... its hard though, to think that someone you cared about so much will no longer be there, except for in spirit and all the cat hair on the sofa cushions.
when the vet said, "you can tell she is well loved," i paused to think about her life, my kitty's sixteen years, the tears from every member of the family, and the realization that even though i had said to my kitty a million times, "i love my little kitty," how i realized that it was true. not that i had ever doubted my love for my cat, but to have that gut-wrenching feeling wash over you like a wave, to suddenly know what the void truly feels like at one moment of time. we see pets come and see pets go, our friends and acquaintances share their loses, but it's when your loved one goes that you really feel it- the fragility of life, the shortness, the circle.
it hurts that i won't ever pet my kitty again, hear her shrill meow, feel her jump up on my bed, and yes, even when she has been purring so much that water collects on her nose and when she finally shakes her head, i get sprayed with her excessive drool... i try not to cry anymore, but sometimes that feels like the right thing to do. i know in time all that will be left will be good memories, but i still feel her absence.
i find myself examining my own mortality. am i living every day to its fullest? am i finding what i've been searching for, that niche where i feel like i have found my home? do i feel regrets? really... i don't so much.
did i see my kitty enough in the last few years? maybe. every time i went home, i made sure to spend time with her. i think she had a good last day- even though she had gone completely blind in the last couple of days, she was able to eat a meal and drink some water. she was able to go outside and at least feel the grass and the air and the crispness of autumn. she was able to find a little solitude. she was pet, she was kissed, and finally, she was surrounded and hugged. i hope that in the last moment, she knew she was loved and that she felt she had a good life. most of the things, we chose for her- her food, her environment... i hope that we chose well for her in the end, and i think we did. i hope the pain was lifted, and i hope she knew that's all we wanted to do.
it's time to say goodnight... i hope i can let it all go soon, and not feel sad when i think about her, but only think about the good things. i think death hits me hard... its hard though, to think that someone you cared about so much will no longer be there, except for in spirit and all the cat hair on the sofa cushions.