A need to let go...
It's almost 1am and I still can't go to sleep even though I've been tossing and turning in my crib for the past 1 1/2 hr. I'm very vexed...I think I'm still harping on that one thing that has finally conquered my whole life.
For the last half of the day I didn't feel well, my head has been splitting the whole day. I tried to stop it by taking a panadol b4 dinner..it didn't help though. Dinner was bland but I managed to force the food down my throat, maybe when u're not feeling well nothing ever tastes right. 930pm and my head is still topsy turby. I decided to take the pills which I was supposed to take monthly when my headache occurs. I didn't know if it was going to help cos the time of the month is already over. I took it anyhow and guess wat 5 mins later I threw up everything including the tasteless dinner. I felt so sick I felt like crying.
Fortunately, after throwing up and laying in bed for 1/2 hr, I felt better..the headache went away. And I stoned till the tv programs ended...but my heart started to ache. Lotsa things going thru my head and emotions were complex. I can't explain what exactly is going on. I'm not angry, I'm not upset and needless to say I don't blame anyone. Maybe there's a tinge of jealousy swimming within and THE ME is trying very hard to suppress it, in turn making me sad and wanting to cry.
Many memories swam thru my head and I wondered what do all those emotions meant to me? I missed the times we spent together even though I didn't felt like he was anyone special. But I don't deny that he had me feeling that I was the most important person in the world. It's the warmth that I felt but couldnt grasp it long enough..till rationality took over. Is there really a right or wrong to feel the way we feel? What was it that I actually felt? What was it that kept telling me it was wrong and I shouldn't think anything more. But then again maybe it's really what it was that was special to me and not the person...
I never really felt that warmth from anyone. From the day I knew what was going on, I never felt like my parents really cared for me in that way. I know my parents love me, I know my siblings love me and I know my frenz love me too...it's just that no one ever showered me the kinda warmth that meant so much. When I was young it was apparent that my dad doted on my sis more and my mum loved my brother more. I was the one in the middle that was silently being loved. No one actually showed me the kinda affection that I yearned, even though I knew they loved me undeniably. The one person that I was never really closed to saw the hurt in those tearful eyes one xmas and decided to shower some affection by buying me a set seven dwarves..but a yr ago he left me and I realised that I never got a chance to hug him and say thank you.
Some people say having regrets in life actually makes life more wonderful. But sometimes it's these regrets that always make u remember the shortlived bitter moment that last forever. I don't say this a lot, at least not in front of people but I missed my dad a lot. I knew he loved me a lot when he was still around, he just never showed it explicitly enough compared to all the love, care and concern he showered on my sis all these yrs.. but on the other hand I havent been the best daughter to him. My endless complaints about me being the stupid daughter started when I was in primary school, must have hurt him quite a lot. Sometimes he couldn't hear me any longer he just went speechless. And sometimes I would carelessly spout out queries of me being their real daughter..and I bet that must have torn his heart into a million pieces. I guess all these didnt make me deserve any bit of affection from him. Maybe I do deserved not to to be loved....
Now them I'm old enough to tell myself that it's all ok and it will be ok, I realised that some things are really hard to let go. Sometimes I wished I could always live in my self-created fairy tales. At least then I could harbour some hopes of happiness.
Before I decided to pen this entry, I was secretly hoping that I would see you online and that I could at least share some of my feelings with you.
I turned on the computer.
I logged on to msn.
I found that you're not there.
I act like I don't care.
But inside me I felt myself being swept away.
Hopes were tarnished.
Dreams are gone.
Reality has hit me.
I guess I still me the same when tomorrow comes. Well it's already the next day. Some things in life we'll never be able to have. And I think I know what it is already. I guess I'm old enough to tell myself 'it'll be alrite', 'I can live with it', 'I can still walk on with life'. And there are some things which I need to learn to do..I know it in my heart..I do.
A few more days and it'll be your birthday sis, I bet you cant wait..and I will be happy for you.
"No matter what I do or how hard I try I can't seem to reach dizzy heights of happiness, success and security, like so many people do..."
For the last half of the day I didn't feel well, my head has been splitting the whole day. I tried to stop it by taking a panadol b4 dinner..it didn't help though. Dinner was bland but I managed to force the food down my throat, maybe when u're not feeling well nothing ever tastes right. 930pm and my head is still topsy turby. I decided to take the pills which I was supposed to take monthly when my headache occurs. I didn't know if it was going to help cos the time of the month is already over. I took it anyhow and guess wat 5 mins later I threw up everything including the tasteless dinner. I felt so sick I felt like crying.
Fortunately, after throwing up and laying in bed for 1/2 hr, I felt better..the headache went away. And I stoned till the tv programs ended...but my heart started to ache. Lotsa things going thru my head and emotions were complex. I can't explain what exactly is going on. I'm not angry, I'm not upset and needless to say I don't blame anyone. Maybe there's a tinge of jealousy swimming within and THE ME is trying very hard to suppress it, in turn making me sad and wanting to cry.
Many memories swam thru my head and I wondered what do all those emotions meant to me? I missed the times we spent together even though I didn't felt like he was anyone special. But I don't deny that he had me feeling that I was the most important person in the world. It's the warmth that I felt but couldnt grasp it long enough..till rationality took over. Is there really a right or wrong to feel the way we feel? What was it that I actually felt? What was it that kept telling me it was wrong and I shouldn't think anything more. But then again maybe it's really what it was that was special to me and not the person...
I never really felt that warmth from anyone. From the day I knew what was going on, I never felt like my parents really cared for me in that way. I know my parents love me, I know my siblings love me and I know my frenz love me too...it's just that no one ever showered me the kinda warmth that meant so much. When I was young it was apparent that my dad doted on my sis more and my mum loved my brother more. I was the one in the middle that was silently being loved. No one actually showed me the kinda affection that I yearned, even though I knew they loved me undeniably. The one person that I was never really closed to saw the hurt in those tearful eyes one xmas and decided to shower some affection by buying me a set seven dwarves..but a yr ago he left me and I realised that I never got a chance to hug him and say thank you.
Some people say having regrets in life actually makes life more wonderful. But sometimes it's these regrets that always make u remember the shortlived bitter moment that last forever. I don't say this a lot, at least not in front of people but I missed my dad a lot. I knew he loved me a lot when he was still around, he just never showed it explicitly enough compared to all the love, care and concern he showered on my sis all these yrs.. but on the other hand I havent been the best daughter to him. My endless complaints about me being the stupid daughter started when I was in primary school, must have hurt him quite a lot. Sometimes he couldn't hear me any longer he just went speechless. And sometimes I would carelessly spout out queries of me being their real daughter..and I bet that must have torn his heart into a million pieces. I guess all these didnt make me deserve any bit of affection from him. Maybe I do deserved not to to be loved....
Now them I'm old enough to tell myself that it's all ok and it will be ok, I realised that some things are really hard to let go. Sometimes I wished I could always live in my self-created fairy tales. At least then I could harbour some hopes of happiness.
Before I decided to pen this entry, I was secretly hoping that I would see you online and that I could at least share some of my feelings with you.
I turned on the computer.
I logged on to msn.
I found that you're not there.
I act like I don't care.
But inside me I felt myself being swept away.
Hopes were tarnished.
Dreams are gone.
Reality has hit me.
I guess I still me the same when tomorrow comes. Well it's already the next day. Some things in life we'll never be able to have. And I think I know what it is already. I guess I'm old enough to tell myself 'it'll be alrite', 'I can live with it', 'I can still walk on with life'. And there are some things which I need to learn to do..I know it in my heart..I do.
A few more days and it'll be your birthday sis, I bet you cant wait..and I will be happy for you.
"No matter what I do or how hard I try I can't seem to reach dizzy heights of happiness, success and security, like so many people do..."