screwed up people
So...I'm addicted to J-dorama. I'm now watching a show, Akihabara@Deep, (that does not star Shota-san, *cries*) all about a group of Otakus (Japanese slang for Freak). Otaku is often used as a word to describe Anime fans, but there are all kinds of Otakus. This anime focuses on these 6 nerdy Otaku people with different issues and tallents that come together to form a team dedicated to helping the people of their city, Akiba-Otaku capital of Japan. The group forms under the influence of Yui, an enigmatic girl who runs an online counceling chat sight. She is known as "life guard". These 6 people look to her for wisdom and guidance more than anyone else. They each consider her the person who "saved them" from their lonelyness, hopelessness, and self-degrating feelings.
The ironic thing is that she dies shortly after they meet her for the first time in person. She dies of an overdose. She was taking uppers to give her energy for meeting them. They find out at her wake that she was a depressed isolated shut in, neither working nor interacting with people, staying in her room on the computer all the time. She had drug abuse and health problems and was constantly in and out of the hospital. She was also a severe cutter. The new information regarding their "Life Guard" comes as quite a shock. One of them, Box (Kyah! he's my favorite!), remarks bitterly, "Everyone here, all of us were saved by a drug using, shut-in wrist cutter."
Yui's father makes the comment that it doesn't matter how many people she helped if she died herself. But that's the real issue, isn't it? Does the fact that she was so screwed up herself make everything she did for other obsolete? It makes sense that Akihabara@Deep goes through a period where they feel betrayed, even decieved. What are we supposed to think when a beloved pastor has an affair? When a role model's porn addiction comes out? I discovered a few months ago that a person I look up to very much went through a divorce. Of course my thoughts were, "How could THIS person, who seems to understand everything about people and relationships not be able to keep their marriage together? Can I really ask for thier advice? Can I trust them?"
Of course, we should never place our complete trust in any one person. We have to understand that they WILL fail us eventually, because they are human. When we start to think of someone as more than that, we will inevitably meet with feelings of betrayal and bitterness when they inevitably fail to meet our expectations. However, one thing that I've learned in the last few months is just how much a screwed up person can do.
Akihabara@Deep eventually find out that the the reason Yui counceled others was to "Survive." Yui said that by helping others she was helping herself. It is with this in mind that Akihabara@Deep decides to put their tallents together to help people in their city. They are a bunch of screwed up people, who learned from Yui that screwed up people can help other screwed up people.
I was once told by my councelor Ken Cope, "God works through screwed up people." And that is the truth. It's the screw ups who know about mistakes and consequences. It's the screw ups who've learned by experience just how much life can suck. And it's the screw ups who understand most of all how important grace is.
Unfortunately we live in a culture terrified of being screwed up. We heap shame upon ourselves and our friends for our mistakes, believing we're helping correct destructive behaviors. Destructive behaviors are not healthy....that's why they're called "destructive." But shame is just as unhealthy. Why do so many people despise church culture? Because our churches are filled with screwed up people trying to deny that they're screwed up. They deny it to themselves as well as everyone else.
We see our faults and say, "That is not how I should be" so we repress the fault, deny its existence, do everything we possibly can to wipe it out of our lives and our conciousness. We hide. But supression is not the same as transformation or healing.
By looking at our real self, faults and all and saying "This is what I am. I am ___________" fill in the blank: lustful, greedy, lazy, angry, sad, selfish, annoyed, short-tempered, impatient, tired, sick, depressed, unhappy. Notice not all of those things are morally wrong, but they are all things that we are, at one time or another. They are also all things that we sometimes believe our ideal selves shouldn't be. But we are. Saying "I'm not angry" when your angry is just lying to yourself and to people around you. How relieving is it then to be in the company of angry people and relize you can release your anger without facing judgement from your pears? Why don't they judge you? Because they understand what it is to be angry.
That's why screwed up people can be so helpful towards other screwed up people; they know what it means to be screwed up. That doesn't mean we should run out in the street thinking "If I get screwed up I can help people!" because that's stupid. It's also probably unessesary. The people who think they aren't screwed up are generally the most screwed up people of all. Let's face it we're all human, we're all screwed up. It's just that we don't all admit it. And let me tell you, I'm ten times more comfortable in a room of admited screw ups than a room of "good people." so yeah Akihabara@Deep.... great show all about crazy screwed up people. It's awesome. Check it out on veoh.com. And accept that you're screwed up. As Yui said in the second epizode, "Why don't you try living with your weaknesses for now? It's OK not to have everything."
P.S. if there are some small inaccuracies in this Gomen! Please forgive me! After all I am a screw up!