bad dreams
So it started out really wierd, like all of my dreams seem too....I was going back to a castle trying to find a certain stone that would help me beat an evil queen. Probably a throwback to the medieval fighting I was doing yesterday. Anyway I had just hooked up with the guys from that movie die hard in a treetop city. I had just told them exactly how much shit we were in when I saw him. My father.
He was sitting on one of the bridges, talking with people. He looked younger,but not by much maybe early 40's, and his beard was a little longer, and he was wearing one of those huge pairs of sunglasses he loved so much, and he had his walking staff he used to take everywhere with him at gathers, but it was him. I heard him. And I know my fathers voice. I heard him just chattering about nonsense, and I dropped everything and hauled ass to where he was. Just before I got to him I heard him say, "It's been fun, guys, but I've got to get going," and then I did something that I've never been able to do in any of my dreams with him. I caught him, before he left. He was half-sitting on the rope handles of the bridge, and I caught him. I stopped him before he could leave. I actually got to talk to him.
I looked at him, and I said,
"You're my dad."
"no, I'm not"
"take off your sunglasses"
He took them off, and he had another pair underneath, a silver pair that i could see through, enough to see at least one eye, and that was enough.
"You're my dad."
"no I'm not, I'm Roy."
He points down to this nametag on his shirt that says Roy, and I don't even pay attention to it.
"No, you're not. You are my dad"
I start to give him a hug, and he puts his hand out to stop me, saying he's not my dad. I brush it to the side and give him a hug. As I did that i could smell a bit of alchohol on him, but honestly I didn't care. I didn't care at all. He was my dad. After I gave him a hug, I looked at him. He had taken his sunglasses off, and I was able to finally see his eyes again. He looked a little ashamed, and really scared. I uess he thought I would hate him or be dissappointed in him. I don't really know, honestly. So I looked at him and said.
"I don't care if you drink. You're my dad"
And I hugged him again. We left the treetop city, and went back to my room. I told him I still had to run an errand and I would be back as soon as I could. He said he would wait for me. While I was driving there I called him and we talked. About trivial stuff really, I was just glad to hear his voice is all. He asked me if there was anything to drink there and I told him he could help himself to the Jose Quervo I kept in the cabinet, and he said he was going to drink what was in the green box. I told him not too, because thats for me and Christie when she gets home, and that he and I could go out to the ABC store and get whatever he wanted, and he and I would sit down and have a drink together. Then I thought of all the things we'd done together. Driving and talking or staying up late watching a movie, looking at gemstones. I especially thought about the gathers that we had gone to together when I was a child. The discussions about wicca and religion and spirituality and people. Everything under the sun. And beyond it. And I thought about those times and I said,
"See,only my dad could talk to me like this."
Yeah, I know...."
And the dream ended.
I thought that I was doing better as far as everything is concerned. But I'm still kind of a wreck arn't I? I didn't think it was a big deal, having this dream, until I told Christie about it and then I couldn't stop crying suddenly. I have a lot of unresolved issues about a lot of things, and this only reflects one of them. Doesn't help any though. What am I supposed to do about everything else? I still don't know whats going to happen, or if everything or ANYthing will work out. I don't even know if I deserve to have them work out. Great. Now all I am is confused again. Perfect.