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My day so far has consisted of walking into town (about an hour walk), and then sitting in Starbuck's for 4 hours drinking black coffee after black coffee...scrawling out what i intend to say to the doctor tomorrow
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'I am so lonely...but i can't be around others.
i am so sad...but i can't seem to cry.
i need a year off...but can't bring myself to ask for it.'
same goes. same goes. i am very lonely. i moved to a city where i know no one. slowly i am making friends with the girls i am working with, but hoping desperately that they won't ask me to do anything, even tho i want to know that they want me too. the one girl (not from work)i have made friends with, i sometimes see her car coming, put the dog in the backard, turn my phone off and hide in my bedroom till she goes away, but i desperately want her to come back another day. just. not. today...
i have a friend from my old city who called this tuesday to see what i'm doing this weekend. AMAZINGLY, i have a three and a half day weekend. (normally i work six day weeks, so this NEVER happens) so she said that she and her new boy, and her beautiful little girl would come see me this weekend. i was so excited about it, but nervous, and i've realised that she should be arriving tomorrow nite and still hasn't called to ask my address and may very well not be coming. i half want her to come absolutely, i miss her and her daughter so much, and need a little smile this weekend, but the other half of me is so excited that i might be getting away with another empty weekend...
i am sad. i cry over sad stories on the news, sad songs and sad families i see at work, but i cannot by assed crying about myself. sure i am sad, but what good would crying do. so i don't cry. until something i see makes me cry at some stupid moment, and it's only for a second, and then i realise it achieved nothing for those people, what was the point.
you need a year off. yes you do. try to ask for it.
me, i'm pathetic, doing the only job i know how to do, obliviously living thousands of k's away from anyone who might care if i was bothered to check them out, hiding from temptations of drugs, hiding myself from everything, after running away from an abusive partner last july. so basically i have given myself a year off, and i'm a pathetically hateful yukky person. no better for it, other than at least i guess i am safe.
hey if they don't rock up tomorrow, at least i will get to sleep in for three days in a row.
take care gorgeous girl.
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and i also love the fact that my pun catches ya everytime!! ;)
your post was...just right. sigh, said all the right htings...and made me realise i'm not the only one going through it all.
for that - i am very grateful.
Enjoy your friend's company over the long weekend xx
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