Tug of War
title: tug of war
pairing: sehun/jongin, suho/jongin, sehun/luhan, luhan/jongin
summary: jongin is like a ship in a choppy ocean, the waves constantly ramming against him and all he can do is struggle to stay afloat as he breathes, sleeps and dreams of sehun.
rating: pg
notes: this is a fic for my beloved captain-nim, daseotbyul <3 we sail together merrily on our jongin ship and because i love jongin, i shall torture him with angst ;w; hope you like this bb~
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when jongin signs with sm in 2007, he signs the contract with exhilaration flowing in his veins and his heart beat loud in his ears. his mother signs the contract with her lips pressed into a thin line, unimpressed and upset but she hides it well, smiling stiffly at the person in charge as he welcomes jongin into sm, asking him to move into the dorms a week after his training starts.
jongin is excited because dance has always been his first love ever since his parents brought him to watch the nutcracker ballet at 4. “don’t you dare do anything that will embarrass us,” his mother hisses when they’re in the confines and privacy of their own car and on the way home. jongin feels an ache of regret in his throat that the one thing he decides to fight for in his life is the one thing his parents never really wanted for him.
fact: jongin has never been good with claiming the things he wants. even as a child, he is shy and all sorts of awkward. he’s always allowed his sisters to push him around, easily giving up to them because this one of the ways he knows not to disappoint people - his parents and his teachers alike - and because of that, jongin used to get teased and picked on in elementary school for being too pretty, for having lips that are too thick to a be boys but he bears it anyway with a shy smile and a light that shines in his eyes.
the first person jongin meets during his first training as he steps into the dance room, steps hesitant and unsure is joonmyeon. joonmyeon is kind, a good hyung that is always looking out for jongin. it’s no surprise that taemin teases jongin about the way the trails after the older boy with stars in his eyes and his lips curved into a smile with a hint of unspoken affection. jongin likes the way joonmyeon has seen him at his worst, screaming his lungs out and throwing chairs across the room and breaking things apart when the bullies in the company, the bitter trainees who’ve been there forever channel their bitterness onto jongin but still sticks around.
jongin likes the way that joonmyeon has seen him at his best, eyes sparkling as they stay long after training has ended for jongin to dance for joonmyeon. this time without sneakers that squeak as they slide across the panel wood floors but soft, supple canvas ballet shoes that fit his feet snugly, like a second home. joonmyeon can only watch in awe and keep this moment close to his heart as he watches jongin spin across the room effortlessly, leaping high and graceful, the extensions of his leg bleeding with the emotions jongin always puts in his dance, his eyes bright with the fire the younger has in him. jongin likes that joonmyeon is the first person he’s danced ballet for, not counting his parents because through ballet, it’s how he bares his soul to the older boy and he sticks around.
in a way, jongin thinks, joonmyeon is his first love. the first person to see him for who he is, the boy behind the shy smiles and the inability to express his feelings. the child behind the front he puts up to brave through christmas and chuseok without his parents there and the nights when he calls home from the dorm only for his mother to turn him away with a few curt words. but jongin thinks it’s okay when he is curled up in bed with joonmyeon, legs tangled as the older boy sings a lullaby just for him, long fingers carding through jongin’s inky locks, the sound of joonmyeon’s heartbeat and gentle voice lulling him into sleep, tear tracks drying on his face.
fact: jongin’s dream to dance on a stage with the crowd watching him and cheering for him is the only thing he’s ever fought hard for in his life, risking the disappointment he sees in his father’s eyes and the anger in his mother’s because this is his dream. he breathes and lives dance and it’s all he’ll ever want. that’s why he participates in the sm youth’s best contest, heart breaking a little when he doesn’t see the face of his parents in the audience but he wins it anyway, going on to sign on with sm, pride swelling in his chest.
sehun arrives with little fanfare on a sweltering afternoon in 2008 during dance training. 20 minutes in as jongin is a sweating, panting mess on the panel wood floors, his shirt soaked through with sweat, sehun sits by him, smiling down at him and he says quietly, “you’ll be my friend won’t you?”
jongin smiles back, hesitant and he nods. “i guess,” he says quietly, allowing sehun to wrap his bony fingers around his wrist and tug him back up onto his feet, the hold on his wrist feeling more like a silent exclamation of mine! than an offer of friendship but jongin shrugs it off, slipping back into place next to joonmyeon with sehun on his other side.
sehun soon becomes a permanent fixture by jongin’s side, joining him, joonmyeon and chanyeol during breaks and lunches, a slight smile on his face as he talks enthusiastically with chanyeol, his tongue curving awkwardly around his ‘s’s and jongin smiles on, lips stretched wide as joonmyeon hooks an arm around his waist, laughing quietly into jongin’s shoulder at chanyeol’s joke.
the smile slips off jongin’s face when he sees the smouldering, almost angry gaze sehun has on him, eyes narrowed at the proximity between joonmyeon and jongin. jongin wonders what it means and pushes it to the back of his mind as he whines for chanyeol to buy them drinks for once. it’s only later that night when training ends and joonmyeon heads back to the dorms first because he’s sprained his ankle during dance earlier that evening that jongin realises that sehun is possessive.
he gasps when sehun turns off the music abruptly, cornering jongin to the mirrors, hands wrapped tight around jongin’s wrist as he presses his face to the hollow between jongin’s neck and shoulder and mouths a single word into jongin’s skin that burns deep into his bones and soul.
“mine,”
fact: sehun is possessive of his things. he’s selfish like that and he clings to no end to a person he’s decided is his. jongin is one such example. he hates it when jongin gets too close to joonmyeon because it makes an ugly anger burn in his gut, churning in his stomach and he hates feeling that way so he wedges himself between jongin and joonmyeon. he especially hates seeing the soft affection jongin has for the older boy and the way it is readily reciprocated.
when luhan arrives later in 2008, towards autumn when the leaves are turning a pretty golden brown that jongin likes, jongin finds himself trying to figure the chinese boy out. luhan is quiet with his doe eyes and gentle, pale features, fitting in seamlessly with wufan and yixing. their groups of friends merge together though when joonmyeon extends a lunch invitation to them to make them fit in even though wufan has been around for three years already, he sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the sea of koreans.
jongin finds himself liking luhan a lot. he likes the wittiness and sarcasm that lies underneath the older boy’s gentle features and the way luhan makes people laugh almost effortlessly, cheering jongin up with his careful korean and little hugs. jongin is proud that he no longer flinches away from physical contact and he supposes he has sehun to thank for it because the younger boy constantly crowds into his personal space as if telling everyone to back off.
but luhan never seems to listen, treating sehun’s possessive proclamations like one would treat a child throwing a temper tantrum, easily slipping under jongin’s walls and making the dancer love him more and more. jongin isn’t sure when he’d started making room for luhan alongside joonmyeon’s reserved place in his heart and sehun’s forceful entry but he does and he loves the chinese boy wholeheartedly.
it’s still pretty obvious that his world revolves around sehun, never minding when the younger pushes him around and to breaking point sometimes with his careless but jongin comes back, he always does because he cannot help but breathe, sleep and live for sehun and his lisp and curving eye smiles and sudden bouts of aegyo.
it isn’t until they’re celebrating jongin’s birthday a couple of months before exo’s debut that jongin realises how twisted and messed up his relationship with sehun is. the younger boy is willing to go to unnecessary means if only to teach jongin a lesson that he belongs to oh sehun and his heart is to love nobody else.
when sehun and luhan disappear somewhere in between games, baekhyun sends him to find them and he does so obediently. he finds them together in a hidden alcove, their bodies curved into each other’s, fitting like a puzzle piece as they kiss, the quiet, wet sounds of their kissing reaching jongin’s ears and jongin thinks the sound of heartbreak is an ugly, ugly one when sehun opens his eyes and looks straight at jongin, eyes challenging and telling him fiercely that this is what he will do because jongin is his.
fact: sehun is the first person jongin tells about joonmyeon as his first love and luhan as his crush. he remembers chattering giddily to his best friend about them and oh, how he could fall in love with luhan if the older boy gave him the chance to do so. sehun never says anything in reply, keeping his head low and teeth clenched as jongin sighs and frets over his feelings and all sehun can think of in that moment is ‘jongin is mine. only mine,’
soon after the kiss jongin witnessed in the alcove and in the flurry of debut, sehun and luhan tells everyone that they are dating and jongin hears his heart shatter again over the flurry of congratulations from the hyung-deul and the whispered worries as well as warnings to keep it on the down low. he sees nothing else but the silent apology luhan shoots at him and the burning pride sehun has in his eyes.
that same night, as jongin is heading back to the room he shares with kyungsoo, sehun corners him, pressing him into the wall, lips hot on his neck as he murmurs, “mine, only mine. do you understand that jongin-ah? you will never be allowed to love anyone but me. if you do, i’ll take them away from you and leave you broken so that no one else will love you,”
jongin feels his tears track their way down his cheeks as sehun swallows his sobs with a harsh kiss before shoving away, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. “goodnight, hyung,” he says mockingly and kyungsoo finds jongin asleep outside their room the next morning, curled up into a tight ball with dried tears on his face.
fact: contrary to popular belief, as headstrong and stubborn jongin is, he allows sehun to push him around and decide what they’ll do during their free days. many think it is jongin that dominates the friendship with demands to maybe go play basketball or get drinks at a nearby cafe but in actuality, it is sehun who demands that they get bubble tea or that jongin hangs out with him on the rooftop for lunch today instead of eating it with joonmyeon.
on days like this, jongin doesn’t feel very much like kai even as he roams around the sm art exhibition with the rest of exo, trailing behind sehun and luhan who are smiling and whispering jokes to each other, their bodies turned towards the other like that’s the way they have to exist. jongin feels sore, tired and he feels like throwing a temper tantrum or shouting at sehun “why are you doing this to me? why do you make me love you but pull away every single time? why won’t you allow me to love joonmyeon? why did you take luhan from me even though you knew how much i like him?”
yet, jongin keeps it all inside, bottled up inside his mind and pushed to a corner as he struggles to keep his face blank, making sure his pain doesn’t leak out into his features because of the cameras that follows them around.
later, as the members crowd around a cartoon drawing of exo, he looks down, lips pulled down into a sad, heartbroken frown for a moment when he sees that whoever has drawn this has put him between luhan and joonmyeon. the chinese boy’s arm around his shoulders and the leader’s hand on his arm as he smiles brightly even in cartoon form.
he feels a brush of fingers on his cheeks and he looks up, startled into joonmyeon’s concerned face. jongin swallows, glancing around surreptitiously for the camera and the leader smiles. “i got chanyeol, minseok and jongdae to goof around,” he says in explanation, taking jongin’s hand in his own and tangling their fingers together, tugging him away from the exhibitions and towards the washroom after their manager gives them the green light.
jongin can only hope sehun doesn’t see this because there is no doubt that the younger would throw a silent, hissy fit but the thought slips out of his mind when joonmyeon squeezes his hand and smiles gently at him, closing the washroom door behind them and locking it. “why do you look so sad these days jongin-ah?” he asks in concern.
jongin allows himself to fold into joonmyeon, the older boy’s arms coming up and around him, cradling him close like he used to all those years ago when the taste of failure was heavy on jongin’s tongue or when he missed his parents. joonmyeon’s arms and the smell of joonmyeon’s mango shampoo as well as the smell of bb cream and make up is almost like coming home to a bright house on a cold winter day and he can’t help but press closer.
in quiet, halting sentences, he tells joonmyeon about sehun. he tells him of how he feels like a ship on a choppy ocean during a storm, the wind buffeting his sails as the ocean throws its waves at his battered body and all he can do is try to stay afloat. he tells him of how he once told sehun of his feelings for luhan and the younger had punished him by taking luhan away.
“he can’t know that i still love you hyung,” jongin chokes out, shuddering at the gentle feel of joonmyeon’s fingers on his back, stroking soothing circles and nonsense into his shirt, the heat of his fingers seeping through the thin material and warming jongin. “i can’t let him take you away from me. i wouldn’t be able to stand it,”
joonmyeon laughs softly, rocking jongin. “silly dancing machine. sehun can try but he won’t take me from you. you’re as much my first love as i was yours. now smile and let’s go back out there. tonight, i’ll switch rooms with kyungsoo so that i can sing for you again,”
the dancer smiles, eyes crinkled into half moons as a flush makes its way across his cheeks. “i’d like that hyung,” he says shyly. “i’d like that very much,”
as they head back out, hand in hand, jongin breathes easy for the first time in a long while, no longer seeing sehun every time he so much blinks, sehun no longer crowding his thoughts and sehun no longer controlling his every move. he finds it almost easy to ignore the angry glare sehun shoots at him with joonmyeon by his side and zitao on his other, blocking sehun and distracting jongin with his lilted korean and exclamations at every display.
jongin feels like a ship back at dock, anchored down and secure for the first time in a long while.
fact: jongin realises his world has never been centred around sehun’s. instead, it was always sehun’s world that revolved around jongin, every touch and hold like a shackle on jongin’s wrist. jongin realises that joonmyeon has always been the one to keep his world safe and anchored down.
.end