TM Challenge: Redemption
[OOC: The title is part of a line from the aptly-named song 'Redemption' by Switchfoot]
The therapy has been getting harder again, but today... Captain Hammer thinks he might just lose it. And he is not accustomed to losing of any kind. It is not something with which he has any significant experience, being so awesome as he is.
"I want you to focus now," comes the voice of his therapist, Dr Goettmann, who is becoming increasingly invasive with his questions. "There's a topic we must move onto, and you are not going to weasel out of it."
"I don't weasel," Captain Hammer protests, sullenly. "I merely dazzle people with my brilliance and hope they don't notice when I change the subject."
"Captain," Goettmann cuts in, "you're doing it again. Now focus."
The not-entirely-good Captain pouts beautifully and slumps back against the couch. There's an argument for saying that, deep down inside, he's still six years old. The trouble is, he was a lot nicer when he was six years old.
"That's better. Now. I'm going to give you a word, and I want you to tell me your immediate response to it. If you lie, I will know."
"How will you know?"
"Because I'm smarter than you. We ascertained this some time ago. Stop changing the subject and pay attention."
"Fine. Paying attention." Studiously staring at something on the far wall and thinking about... thinking about... OK not thinking about that in here. Distraction is one thing, but those thoughts are going to cause problems of a Hammer Time nature.
Mmmm.
"Good. Now... the word is: Redemption."
Captain Hammer freezes. This is worse than the discussion about why he was three hours late for his last session. (It could hardly be considered his fault that he'd been a little tied up earlier on that day.) "...Redemption," he repeats.
"I don't want you to repeat it, I want you to tell me what comes to mind when I say it."
"That may be difficult. I don't believe in it."
Goettmann arches an eyebrow and scribbles something on his notepad. "You don't believe in redemption?"
"No. There's no such thing."
"This isn't Santa Claus we're talking about, here..."
"We might as well be," the Captain insists. "Redemption is an illusion. A construct." He knows how telling it is when he gets like this. He knows that Goettmann can tell the second the facade drops... slips... the second he stops playing dumb. "You can't change what you are. A true villain - one who has done true evil - cannot redeem. You think Bad Horse could possibly have any kind of redemption?"
"You don't?" Goettmann doesn't like it when Captain Hammer tries to ask him questions. Doesn't stop him doing it, however.
"Well, no. I mean, look at him. Thoroughbred of Sin. Bad Horse. Villain. He could never redeem."
"Why not?"
"Because once you've done bad things, you're evil. End of. Evil, and thereby thwartable by heroes like me."
Goettmann scribbles something else and draws a circle around it. Circles are bad. "Is that what you really think? That life is so black and white?"
Captain Hammer runs a hand through his hair, staring into middle-distance again. "...No. Life is black, white and grey. But once you've stopped being white, you can't go back. You can be grey. You just can't be white."
"Surely, then, becoming less grey would constitute redemption?"
"...No." Damn, the pauses are so telling. "Redemption is turning white again. It's impossible."
Goettmann arches an eyebrow again. "Impossible universally... or impossible for you?"
"I am a hero," the Captain insists at once, like a mantra. "I save people. Help the helpless. I am a beacon of goodness."
"You are many things, Captain," Goettmann replies, shaking his head, "but I think we both know what you are not."
"I am a good person."
Goettmann sighs. "Captain, you are a vaguely insane egotist with more complexes than uptown Los Angeles, who up until recently couldn't even fathom the concept that other people meant or felt anything at all. It was only a near death experience that made you start talking about your problems instead of burying them under mountains of fame, alcohol and women, and so far the only discernable changes in your personality are a tendency towards occasionally admitting that you're not as dumb as you look or act, a wildly unsurprising crush on the man you tried to kill, and a set of kinks that defy repetition in polite company."
His soft-spoken tirade over, Goettmann scrawls something else in his notes, whilst Captain Hammer tries to work out how to reply to something like that without leaving a Goettmann-shaped hole in the far wall. Which is not a heroic thing to think, stop thinking it!
"I'm a good person," he repeats, rather pathetically. Damn.
"You do things that are perceived as good on the outside," Goettmann says. "But as you yourself once pointed out - on a day when you were clearly feeling much less contrary - the true measure of a man is not what he does on the outside, but who he is on the inside. And if you can change who you are on the inside, you can redeem. If your heart becomes white... the rest will follow."
"But you can't change who you are on the inside," Captain Hammer - Tommy Richards - insists. "You are who you are. Redemption... any so-called redemption is just a change in what's on the outside. It doesn't affect what's inside."
"Why not? All true change comes from within. Look at you. You stopped having meaningless one night stands and instead started up a relationship with someone with whom you have a genuine connection. That was a significant change. A significant change that made you a significantly better person."
"Maybe so. But I won't ever be right, will I?!" the Captain exclaims. And then realises what he's said. And goes back to staring at the far wall so intently that you'd think it contained the very meaning of life itself.
And Goettmann smiles, more in relief than triumph. "I think you've given up on yourself too easily."
"I never give up," Captain Hammer insists, glaring. "I just know what's possible and what isn't."
"Hero, save thyself," Goettmann says, softly. "Think about that. And tell me next time if you still believe it's impossible."
***
Ten minutes later, Captain Hammer is back outside, setting off in his convertible Merc with the top down.
Trying not to think.
Maybe some people can redeem. Maybe. He doesn't know.
He just knows he can't. Knows the things inside... will forever taint him grey. Or worse.
Heroes don't kill because they want to. Only when they have to. But he wanted to. Even if only for a moment that he will regret forever. He wanted to.
Redemption is just a distant fantasy. The real world doesn't have happy endings.
...Does it?
And, banishing the thoughts from his mind - for now - the hero in black takes the long way home.
The therapy has been getting harder again, but today... Captain Hammer thinks he might just lose it. And he is not accustomed to losing of any kind. It is not something with which he has any significant experience, being so awesome as he is.
"I want you to focus now," comes the voice of his therapist, Dr Goettmann, who is becoming increasingly invasive with his questions. "There's a topic we must move onto, and you are not going to weasel out of it."
"I don't weasel," Captain Hammer protests, sullenly. "I merely dazzle people with my brilliance and hope they don't notice when I change the subject."
"Captain," Goettmann cuts in, "you're doing it again. Now focus."
The not-entirely-good Captain pouts beautifully and slumps back against the couch. There's an argument for saying that, deep down inside, he's still six years old. The trouble is, he was a lot nicer when he was six years old.
"That's better. Now. I'm going to give you a word, and I want you to tell me your immediate response to it. If you lie, I will know."
"How will you know?"
"Because I'm smarter than you. We ascertained this some time ago. Stop changing the subject and pay attention."
"Fine. Paying attention." Studiously staring at something on the far wall and thinking about... thinking about... OK not thinking about that in here. Distraction is one thing, but those thoughts are going to cause problems of a Hammer Time nature.
Mmmm.
"Good. Now... the word is: Redemption."
Captain Hammer freezes. This is worse than the discussion about why he was three hours late for his last session. (It could hardly be considered his fault that he'd been a little tied up earlier on that day.) "...Redemption," he repeats.
"I don't want you to repeat it, I want you to tell me what comes to mind when I say it."
"That may be difficult. I don't believe in it."
Goettmann arches an eyebrow and scribbles something on his notepad. "You don't believe in redemption?"
"No. There's no such thing."
"This isn't Santa Claus we're talking about, here..."
"We might as well be," the Captain insists. "Redemption is an illusion. A construct." He knows how telling it is when he gets like this. He knows that Goettmann can tell the second the facade drops... slips... the second he stops playing dumb. "You can't change what you are. A true villain - one who has done true evil - cannot redeem. You think Bad Horse could possibly have any kind of redemption?"
"You don't?" Goettmann doesn't like it when Captain Hammer tries to ask him questions. Doesn't stop him doing it, however.
"Well, no. I mean, look at him. Thoroughbred of Sin. Bad Horse. Villain. He could never redeem."
"Why not?"
"Because once you've done bad things, you're evil. End of. Evil, and thereby thwartable by heroes like me."
Goettmann scribbles something else and draws a circle around it. Circles are bad. "Is that what you really think? That life is so black and white?"
Captain Hammer runs a hand through his hair, staring into middle-distance again. "...No. Life is black, white and grey. But once you've stopped being white, you can't go back. You can be grey. You just can't be white."
"Surely, then, becoming less grey would constitute redemption?"
"...No." Damn, the pauses are so telling. "Redemption is turning white again. It's impossible."
Goettmann arches an eyebrow again. "Impossible universally... or impossible for you?"
"I am a hero," the Captain insists at once, like a mantra. "I save people. Help the helpless. I am a beacon of goodness."
"You are many things, Captain," Goettmann replies, shaking his head, "but I think we both know what you are not."
"I am a good person."
Goettmann sighs. "Captain, you are a vaguely insane egotist with more complexes than uptown Los Angeles, who up until recently couldn't even fathom the concept that other people meant or felt anything at all. It was only a near death experience that made you start talking about your problems instead of burying them under mountains of fame, alcohol and women, and so far the only discernable changes in your personality are a tendency towards occasionally admitting that you're not as dumb as you look or act, a wildly unsurprising crush on the man you tried to kill, and a set of kinks that defy repetition in polite company."
His soft-spoken tirade over, Goettmann scrawls something else in his notes, whilst Captain Hammer tries to work out how to reply to something like that without leaving a Goettmann-shaped hole in the far wall. Which is not a heroic thing to think, stop thinking it!
"I'm a good person," he repeats, rather pathetically. Damn.
"You do things that are perceived as good on the outside," Goettmann says. "But as you yourself once pointed out - on a day when you were clearly feeling much less contrary - the true measure of a man is not what he does on the outside, but who he is on the inside. And if you can change who you are on the inside, you can redeem. If your heart becomes white... the rest will follow."
"But you can't change who you are on the inside," Captain Hammer - Tommy Richards - insists. "You are who you are. Redemption... any so-called redemption is just a change in what's on the outside. It doesn't affect what's inside."
"Why not? All true change comes from within. Look at you. You stopped having meaningless one night stands and instead started up a relationship with someone with whom you have a genuine connection. That was a significant change. A significant change that made you a significantly better person."
"Maybe so. But I won't ever be right, will I?!" the Captain exclaims. And then realises what he's said. And goes back to staring at the far wall so intently that you'd think it contained the very meaning of life itself.
And Goettmann smiles, more in relief than triumph. "I think you've given up on yourself too easily."
"I never give up," Captain Hammer insists, glaring. "I just know what's possible and what isn't."
"Hero, save thyself," Goettmann says, softly. "Think about that. And tell me next time if you still believe it's impossible."
***
Ten minutes later, Captain Hammer is back outside, setting off in his convertible Merc with the top down.
Trying not to think.
Maybe some people can redeem. Maybe. He doesn't know.
He just knows he can't. Knows the things inside... will forever taint him grey. Or worse.
Heroes don't kill because they want to. Only when they have to. But he wanted to. Even if only for a moment that he will regret forever. He wanted to.
Redemption is just a distant fantasy. The real world doesn't have happy endings.
...Does it?
And, banishing the thoughts from his mind - for now - the hero in black takes the long way home.