I can't escape even though I try.
So April finally sprung its way through the damn cold. And now I'm almost twenty-one even though I've felt 21 for years already. I don't know why I woke up today with no plans or anything to do but school work, on easter morning, but it's beautiful outside, which makes it easier to spend these days alone.
Lately things haven't been so difficult. And yet they aren't any easier. The strangest thing about all of these months of grief is how the past has crept its way back into my mind. Things I haven't thought about have been pouring in like rain as if all these years with you by my side have protected me from them. And now I am facing everything, connecting the past like dots and now I can see that the bigger picture isn't so bad after all. It's just going to take so much more work to get to the good parts, and I think I'm finally able. Bad habits are slowly fading and the good ones are slowly becoming stronger. Slowly.
Spring break went really well, for the first part, spending it in Boston and Montreal, and finally taking care of some serious business that needed to be done. Boston is really cool, and seeing Sekayi was something I definitely needed. Montreal was amazing... and I can't form my words into something meaningful as to why, but maybe it has to do with speaking french and seeing the world through another portal even though it pretty much is the same. And if this is what traveling to Canada does for me, I can't imagine what will happen to me when I finally make it out of north america!
I definitely have to make it back to Boston, but I've already decided that going to school there will be good. I don't know what my chances are, with getting into Harvard Med. but I honestly have no fear, I can't see why I wouldn't get in except for the fact that my academic path has been a real mess and a long difficult journey into what it is I want to do for the majority of my life. I've found it though, that's the good part, the easiest part is over (ha ha). Besides that, my grades couldn't be anymore perfect and doesn't the big mess prove that I really am trying to find something I really want to do, I hope Harvard sees that. I mean really, everyone knows people change majors all the time, but wow, when they see all the different kinds of classes and majors I've tried, they might think I'm psychotic. I mentioned it to an adviser there, and I got some positive feedback, that stuff like that might not be so bad since medical schools are starting to look for more well rounded studies then strict science. The MCATS will be a breeze, I can already ace it without studying or taking the last few classes I need for it. All I need to work on is outside school stuff... which is the hardest thing for me since I have to work a lot to pay for school, but I have no choice, I have to find the time. I'm willing to sacrifice anything, sadly even my health, which isn't good, but I've been doing it already.
Life can be whatever you want it to be,and I see it as a battle, a life-long battle, a story where pain and suffering never go away, but there is a fight and there are heroes and hope. Maybe I see it that way because that's what life has been so far, and I can't imagine it any different for anyone else. I beginning to see everything in such a weird way lately, where existentialism has mixed itself up with humanitarianism... where people are outcomes and evil is never human and always personified--weird I know... maybe even wrong, because there are some bad people out there, but I try imagine the different ways I could be if there were things missing or put into my puzzle, I swear I was on the verge of becoming a bad guy so many times in my life, but something happened to keep me on the right track. So evil flows like wind and effects humanity in strange ways, we see it all the time in stories, infact I think thats what makes stories, the strangeness of evil, not just about the triumph of good. Shakespeare is the master of this strangeness, without his villains, what would Shakespeare be like? I don't think I'd be such a fanatic as a am now. There is something special that comes when you start to see the world this way, as long as you stay a fighter that is--I can see some people just accepting things, but as a fighter it makes the fighting easier because you can see evil for what it really is and can fight it directly.
Its amazing to sleep next to the window and to finally be able to keep it open. The other day I fell asleep to a clear sky with a full moon, and woke up to a gentle rain and with lightning... awesome.
I'm trying to not feel pathetic, because I feel like I'm waiting by the phone for a call that was supposed to come days ago. But I'll never change, I'll never learn, I'll never stop waiting. I can't escape even though I try. I really do try. That's what makes me wonder if something is wrong, that this whole thing is wrong, that I don't know something, and then when that fails I can only tell myself that this all has happened because I have failed and I must pay. In fact, I've been so confused about all this, but I really did fail, and I guess it's too late, it will always be too late, and all I can have is what I can get, but I dream so many dreams that I had just one more chance. It's hard not to hate myself, but I don't, I just need to get what I can and accept the damage and not worry about feeling pathetic.