Well, f**k me sideways and call me Suzy
Well, I guess I should've known that it was too good to be true. I shoulda just kept my mouth shut and kept going, I shoulda just kept pretending that everything was fine.
So, my dilemma is as follows... I love and am in love with Doron Tsur. I have spent the past 6.5 months chasing after him and trying to make him see how special what we have really is.
Doron Tsur is afraid of getting hurt and/or hurting me and therefore wants no committments and no promises, which is understandable I guess. He wants to be friends - platonic friends (despite the fact that it's the most amazing sex I've had in my life - which saddens me just a little, knowing that I won't be having great sex anytime soon - again, I guess it was bound to happen because something that feels so good and right just can't stick around in my life for very long.)
He's not even willing to try - he's not willing to put his guard down completely to see if we really can make things work - which really pisses me off to no end. But, just because I'm pissed doesn't mean that I don't understand his trepidation and why he's so hesitant to let himself go again. I do understand, completely, but if I'm willing to take that risk (and seriously, at this point, I think that I'm a much safer bet than he is - at least I know what I want). It's not as catastrophic a blow as it was when he broke up with me 6 months ago, and it still hurts just because he doesn't want me - or rather he doesn't want to be with me intimately, I'm not worth the possible hurt in his eyes and that's what pains me the most. It saddens me to know that possibly one of the sweetest humans I know (and quite possibly the love of my life) has been so wounded, so many times by ME that when I'm finally ready to give him all that I have, he's too scared to get burned again.
I wish I could turn back time - though I'm not so sure where I would need to go. Even if I were to speak to myself 4 years ago, a - I wouldn't believe that it was actually happening, b - I don't think it would change anything because I would still need all those experiences to bring to the point where I am today. Perhaps I would just warn myself about certain temptations and wolves in sheep clothing - I think that I'd listen to that. But, since time travel is not quite perfected yet, I just need to learn to live with my mistakes.
So, now we'll try things his way. I'll do my very best to give him what he needs now. What he doesn't need now is our emotional roller-coaster ride - not just as he's trying to get his life back in order. He needs a really good friends, somebody that he can speak to about all the shit that swirling around that murky mind of his. It was about me for so long - what I needed, what was good for me, when I was ready, what I wanted, if I wanted and when I wanted and now it's my turn to reciprocate that same patience and kindness that he once showed me.
I love him so much and if this is what he needs or wants right now then he deserves at least that. I'm also being selfish at the same time because like i've said so many times before, I'd rather him in my life in any capacity (even if it's not my ideal situation) rather than not have him in my life at all.
So, for now it will be friendship. Hopefully in the far-off distant future when he's learned to trust me again it could be something more, but not now... just not now.
"For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no one can tame the tongue-a restless evil full of deadly poison."
I feel that The Cranberries have become my Leonard Cohen.
Dreaming my Dreams - The Cranberries
All the things you said to me today
Changed my perspective in every way
These things count to mean so much to me
Into my faith you and your baby
It's out there
It's out there
It's out there
If you want me, I'll be here
It's out there
It's out there
It's out there
If you want me, I'll be here
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
And there's no other place
that I'd lay down my face
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
_____________________________
When You're Gone - The Cranberries
Hold on to love,
that is what I do
Now that I've found you
And from above,
everything's stinking
When they're not around you
And in the night,
I could be helpless
I could be lonely,
sleeping without you
And in the day,
everything's complex
There's nothing simple,
when I'm not around you
But I miss you when you're gone
That is what I do, Hey Baby
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew, hey, Baby
Hold on to my hands
I feel I'm sinking,
sinking without you
And to my mind,
everything's stinking
Stinking without you
So, my dilemma is as follows... I love and am in love with Doron Tsur. I have spent the past 6.5 months chasing after him and trying to make him see how special what we have really is.
Doron Tsur is afraid of getting hurt and/or hurting me and therefore wants no committments and no promises, which is understandable I guess. He wants to be friends - platonic friends (despite the fact that it's the most amazing sex I've had in my life - which saddens me just a little, knowing that I won't be having great sex anytime soon - again, I guess it was bound to happen because something that feels so good and right just can't stick around in my life for very long.)
He's not even willing to try - he's not willing to put his guard down completely to see if we really can make things work - which really pisses me off to no end. But, just because I'm pissed doesn't mean that I don't understand his trepidation and why he's so hesitant to let himself go again. I do understand, completely, but if I'm willing to take that risk (and seriously, at this point, I think that I'm a much safer bet than he is - at least I know what I want). It's not as catastrophic a blow as it was when he broke up with me 6 months ago, and it still hurts just because he doesn't want me - or rather he doesn't want to be with me intimately, I'm not worth the possible hurt in his eyes and that's what pains me the most. It saddens me to know that possibly one of the sweetest humans I know (and quite possibly the love of my life) has been so wounded, so many times by ME that when I'm finally ready to give him all that I have, he's too scared to get burned again.
I wish I could turn back time - though I'm not so sure where I would need to go. Even if I were to speak to myself 4 years ago, a - I wouldn't believe that it was actually happening, b - I don't think it would change anything because I would still need all those experiences to bring to the point where I am today. Perhaps I would just warn myself about certain temptations and wolves in sheep clothing - I think that I'd listen to that. But, since time travel is not quite perfected yet, I just need to learn to live with my mistakes.
So, now we'll try things his way. I'll do my very best to give him what he needs now. What he doesn't need now is our emotional roller-coaster ride - not just as he's trying to get his life back in order. He needs a really good friends, somebody that he can speak to about all the shit that swirling around that murky mind of his. It was about me for so long - what I needed, what was good for me, when I was ready, what I wanted, if I wanted and when I wanted and now it's my turn to reciprocate that same patience and kindness that he once showed me.
I love him so much and if this is what he needs or wants right now then he deserves at least that. I'm also being selfish at the same time because like i've said so many times before, I'd rather him in my life in any capacity (even if it's not my ideal situation) rather than not have him in my life at all.
So, for now it will be friendship. Hopefully in the far-off distant future when he's learned to trust me again it could be something more, but not now... just not now.
"For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no one can tame the tongue-a restless evil full of deadly poison."
I feel that The Cranberries have become my Leonard Cohen.
Dreaming my Dreams - The Cranberries
All the things you said to me today
Changed my perspective in every way
These things count to mean so much to me
Into my faith you and your baby
It's out there
It's out there
It's out there
If you want me, I'll be here
It's out there
It's out there
It's out there
If you want me, I'll be here
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
And there's no other place
that I'd lay down my face
I'll be dreaming my dreams with you
_____________________________
When You're Gone - The Cranberries
Hold on to love,
that is what I do
Now that I've found you
And from above,
everything's stinking
When they're not around you
And in the night,
I could be helpless
I could be lonely,
sleeping without you
And in the day,
everything's complex
There's nothing simple,
when I'm not around you
But I miss you when you're gone
That is what I do, Hey Baby
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew, hey, Baby
Hold on to my hands
I feel I'm sinking,
sinking without you
And to my mind,
everything's stinking
Stinking without you