(no subject)
I hate that my moods are dependent on whether or not I get attention from men.
I don't know what I want anymore. More than ever, I feel like I'm being pulled apart. There is my life in Israel, which, if I'm being completely honest, doesn't feel like much of a life without Doron in it. I feel empty a lot of the times - like there is this part of me, some unknown hidden part that I never knew existed up until he broke up with me. Then all of a sudden, that hidden piece became all too tangible. I want to move forward but I'm afraid to move forward without him. I want to go back in time. I want to be in his arms right now.
Even when I'm with Yaron - I give him all the energy I have. Every bit of super positive, happy energy that I can muster up goes towards him and all for a few hours of elation. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't really even look at me. When he talks, he kinda talks to the air. He's never really with me completely... there is a part of him that is always elsewhere. What? Like I can't feel that? All I want is to have somebody wrap their arms around and tell me it will be okay. At this point, it doesn't really matter who... I just miss that feeling of intimacy. I miss feeling close to somebody. I miss feeling wanted. I even miss feeling needed. I don't know how many times I stand there facing him and I just wish that he would look at me... but really look at me and then kiss me. I would even settle for him just holding me for a few minutes and I could close my eyes and pretend that it's Doron maybe.
He comes to pick me up at 2:30 in the morning to smoke a joint with me, even though his stomach is upset and he's really fucking tired because "I didn't just want to smoke a joint, I wanted to smoke with you." Does he know how amazing that made me feel? To hear something like that? Somebody who is usually so emotionally absent to say something like that? Then the next day, he tells me, "I have to spend some time with my girlfriend or I'll get into trouble", so I say, "Aren't you already in trouble?" to which he says, "Yea, but it's starting to subside." So where the fuck does that leave me? What happens when she decides that she's done holding out on him and starts having sex with him again? Then what? Then he has no use for me anymore and I become an old toy that he doesn't need or want anymore.