May 22, 2008 - Thursday
I can't seem to let this idea of Doron and me as a couple. My brain and my heart are just not working in cooperation with eachother. Half of the time (when my brain is in control and I'm sane for several moments), I tell myself that it's over - that it's never going to happen again and I'll be okay. The other half of the time I tell myself that this was not just puppy love - that this is the kind of love that lasts through the years and if I just give up on it this easily, then I'm not being fair to myself and to us. I'm going insane. I never know what I want for more than a few moments and even then I'm not sure of myself. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and the harder I try to get out, the deeper I get pulled in so it's just better to mope around and not to hope or expect anything every again. I'm just lost most of the time.