i never knew how horrible waiting could be...
This is probably one of the hardest things ever!
This sucks.
I hate it.
I want to talk to him.
I want to see him.
I want to (make) love (to) him.
I want to hug him, and feel his arms around me squeezing me so hard that I can't breathe.
I want to kiss him until I either run out of breath, or my lips fall off.
I want to hear his stupid long stories which I never really understand and usually fall asleep to.
I want to dance with him.
I want to lay down with him, and feel his body next to mine.
*I apologize if this is a little graphic, but I need to write what I'm feeling*
I want him to come back right now, and I want him to stay away forever. I'm so scared, and I'm so looking forward to having him back.
I am utterly and completely ambiguous.
I don't want to fuck things up, I can't afford to. I'm so scared and worried that I'm gonna do something stupid.
I don't want to make silly mistakes.
Why can't I just know the answers to everything all the time? Life would just be so much easier without all the guessing! lol. Alas, this will never be the case! Live and learn, right?
I swear, I check my e-mail about 5 times a day, perhaps more. I come into LJ about 3 times a day, even though all comments are e-mailed to me, thinking maybe he wrote something new. It's sad I know... and perhaps a little obsessive, but I can't help it. I could pretend that I'm perfectly cool as a cucumber, just calmly waiting with folded hands and deep breathing for Saturday to come already, but that is definitely not the case. I think that this is really an entry for me... not TO anybody else, unlike most of my entries. I could keep it Private, but God knows that I'll unlock it sooner or later, so may as well keep it Public.
I can't help but think about what he's gonna do with a certain other somebody in NY. I told him that he can make his own decision, and I know that whatever he chooses, will be the right thing for him, and not to worry about me, because I shouldn't have that kind of influence/status in his life at this point. I meant everything I said, but that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna think about it. Ya know?
Anyways... I'm yawning, and need some sleep... Yom Kippur is coming up soon, another day and it will be here. A day to wash away all of the not-so-great things that you've done in the past year, and ask for forgiveness. Now I'm really not much for religion, but I think that this Yom Kippur will mean something to me, because I really do want this year to be different (on MANY levels).