Well well well...
So, here's the deal... Doron is coming back next friday to Israel. I'm not gonna meet him at the airport, (though it would be kind of tempting to do that without him knowing :P) and I'm gonna wait till Saturday night! During the day on Saturday one of his best friend's has a one-day hike/surprise party, so I told him that he should go and be with his friends, because I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it if they knew that he was spending time with me and not them, though I understand if it's the other way around, because thats the way it's supposed to be. Friends before significant others, no matter how long they've been gone or how much you miss them or how much you think your heart is just gonna fall out of your chest because it's reason for beating is missing (ok, maybe thats a little too dramatic, but it sounds good... anybody want to write that into a song?lol).
We're gonna try things again... yes, for the umpteenth time, but tell me yall didn't know that already.
I'm writing this only to Pat and Ren (it's been quite a long time since I've written one of these entries). I just want to do it this way because he and I have decided to heed the advice of one of his good friends. She thought that it would be a good idea if he and I were to take a break, like he wanted to before, but it wad something I wasn't *drum roll* ready to do yet (surprise surprise, right? lol). So, i thought about it, and we're gonna do that. From now, until the day of his flight, we're not gonna talk.
BTW - this WAS locked so that only ren and pat could see it, but i unlocked it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It drives me insane, but I know that it will be good for both of his. He can enjoy the rest of his trip, and I can start thinking about how this time will be different.
It's gonna be so hard for me, because I so depend on him (more than he'll ever understand, I think).
He said a couple of things though that really caught me in my footsteps (so to speak). He asked me to love him in a way that endures, not in a way that fades after a week, a month or a year even. He also said that it's easier to love him now, because I don't need to deal with him or us. It's still a fantasy, and well, most of the time, lets face it, dreams (9 times out of 10) beat the reality of the situation.
I can so see me spending the rest of my life side by side with him... but I can so easily see it falling apart because I never changed, and he just continued to give me everything that I need without giving him what he needs. I always considered myself selfless in most relationships, but I'm not. I'm actually quite selfish. I always expect things to be perfect all the time... I mean, if I love him, and he loves me, then we shouldn't have to work at it, but I was wrong. It means all the more work! It means that when I have a problem, I can't just get cold feet, it means I gotta talk with him about it.
So many of the things that went wrong in our relationship was due to lack of communication. I mean, when we're friends, we tell eachother EVERYTHING, but once we get that 'together, boyfriend and girlfriend' status, everything becomes a little weird, and we stop doing all those things that I love him for as a friend... We stop doing all those things that made us fall in love with eachother... at least thats part of the problem.
Another is that he doesn't feel secure enough with me because of my flirtatious nature. He always feels like he has to defend his property, and mark it, and make sure that everybody knows that I'm his. While thats sweet and all, sometimes, it can get a little annoying, like you can feel he always needs to play the buffer, and not let me get too close to his friends. It's understandable in a way...
He's afraid to love me, and with good cause. I have to show him that I'm ready, and that this time will be different... this time has to be different, or I know that I will lose him forever. Lose him in every sense of the word. He would have been hurt too many times by me, and i would have to be a mean and cold-hearted bitch if I made him go through this every time that I feel I want him again.
I really do love him, and I think now I just have to learn how to love him :)
Does anybody (all of 2 people... 3 people now that it's been unlocked) have any idea what the fuk i'm talking about? Or am I just totally out there this time?
We're gonna try things again... yes, for the umpteenth time, but tell me yall didn't know that already.
I'm writing this only to Pat and Ren (it's been quite a long time since I've written one of these entries). I just want to do it this way because he and I have decided to heed the advice of one of his good friends. She thought that it would be a good idea if he and I were to take a break, like he wanted to before, but it wad something I wasn't *drum roll* ready to do yet (surprise surprise, right? lol). So, i thought about it, and we're gonna do that. From now, until the day of his flight, we're not gonna talk.
BTW - this WAS locked so that only ren and pat could see it, but i unlocked it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It drives me insane, but I know that it will be good for both of his. He can enjoy the rest of his trip, and I can start thinking about how this time will be different.
It's gonna be so hard for me, because I so depend on him (more than he'll ever understand, I think).
He said a couple of things though that really caught me in my footsteps (so to speak). He asked me to love him in a way that endures, not in a way that fades after a week, a month or a year even. He also said that it's easier to love him now, because I don't need to deal with him or us. It's still a fantasy, and well, most of the time, lets face it, dreams (9 times out of 10) beat the reality of the situation.
I can so see me spending the rest of my life side by side with him... but I can so easily see it falling apart because I never changed, and he just continued to give me everything that I need without giving him what he needs. I always considered myself selfless in most relationships, but I'm not. I'm actually quite selfish. I always expect things to be perfect all the time... I mean, if I love him, and he loves me, then we shouldn't have to work at it, but I was wrong. It means all the more work! It means that when I have a problem, I can't just get cold feet, it means I gotta talk with him about it.
So many of the things that went wrong in our relationship was due to lack of communication. I mean, when we're friends, we tell eachother EVERYTHING, but once we get that 'together, boyfriend and girlfriend' status, everything becomes a little weird, and we stop doing all those things that I love him for as a friend... We stop doing all those things that made us fall in love with eachother... at least thats part of the problem.
Another is that he doesn't feel secure enough with me because of my flirtatious nature. He always feels like he has to defend his property, and mark it, and make sure that everybody knows that I'm his. While thats sweet and all, sometimes, it can get a little annoying, like you can feel he always needs to play the buffer, and not let me get too close to his friends. It's understandable in a way...
He's afraid to love me, and with good cause. I have to show him that I'm ready, and that this time will be different... this time has to be different, or I know that I will lose him forever. Lose him in every sense of the word. He would have been hurt too many times by me, and i would have to be a mean and cold-hearted bitch if I made him go through this every time that I feel I want him again.
I really do love him, and I think now I just have to learn how to love him :)
Does anybody (all of 2 people... 3 people now that it's been unlocked) have any idea what the fuk i'm talking about? Or am I just totally out there this time?