(no subject)
So I’m sitting here thinking, "did that just really fucking happen".....looking around like a fool. “Am i really being told to "Go TO BED".
Where am i. seriously where the fuck am i. this can't be what happened because of the choices I’ve made. well ah, yes. yes it is. fuck.
i have a cigarette between my lips. its my last one. of course.
i want to light it so bad. but then what if i want to go somewhere, i always like to have a cigarette while i'm driving. maybe the place I’ll go has a cigarette waiting for me. maybe where I’ll go nothing is waiting for me. i'm not too stoned anymore. that's not so bad. stoned isn't so great anymore. its just helps.
why is it so hard for me to get a grip? fuck. why is it hard for everyone?! you'd think after thousands of years of living we'd come up with some perfect way for everyone to live, i think it would be called the magic method of merriment. and they'd sell it on infomercials, so no one would ever buy it even if they wanted to. there's always a catch. always.
when i was young i thought I’d marry prince charming, we'd both be moderately successful, or at least both loved what we did. we'd have lots of friends and throw parties people looked forward to coming to.
lots of travel, eventually kids. la-di-dah. point being; ... actually maybe i didn’t have one, that’s just something i thought a long time ago. funny how cute it is huh.
its only 1:45. that’s amazing. I’ve been sent to bed. i need to leave. she doesn’t say anything when i just don’t come home. i had things almost sorted out too, what the hell happened is all i can say. maybe getting back out into the world and things will be more fun than i think its going to be...maybe.
so i lit the cigarette. half way through it. what to do. i need to get my camera fixed. oh and find a place/person to live/with.
aye, i need to find my glasses. i really suck with glasses. by the time i adjust my self to always reading&driving with them, i lose them. anyone want to analyze that for me?
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okay. its been five minutes. i decided to re-open this to talk about how restless i am currently feeling. i don't like it. its like i need someone to call me. i NEED to not be here right. that’s stupid. i LOVE being at home doing nothing. but right now i wish i was just somewhere densely populated, not even that i need to be there with someone, i just need people around me. i grew comfortably unfamiliar with this feeling.
i already want another cigarette.
where's my pretty Asian when it need it.
this is the worst thing. I’m so awake. this is how i used to be...hm,! so scratch that, maybe this is actually great?! maybe I’m progressing without knowing it!! ha! tops for that!
2:06. someone be up. someone! I don’t even need to hang out. at this point i just want to have a good quality conversation with someone. good quality doesn’t actually mean shit, i just want to enjoy the person I’m talking to, subject matter is really never important when you're truly interested in who's talking.