Ive been emotionally F*cked for a while
Let me appoligize before hand for what might potentially be a long winded bitchy kind of journal, but i really need to unload. Keep in mind I will cut things out because of my potential readers, yeah it might suck but not everyone knows the depts of everything relating to me.
In case you did not know, I am not all happiness and sunshine. I keep so much to myself, but not like i use to. Im starting to view myself as stoney, hard edged, and agreeing with my family's view of cold. Yes i care about so much about me, but i also worry an incredable amount of the time about everything. Not one day goes by that i dont worry about something 5 times or more.
For the past few years my family has endured one thing after another, and I have always felt i can make it better. I am responsible, I have the money and the heart. I can make it work. let me tell you, im absolutely tired, and im scared i will have a breakdown really soon.
Growing up my mom would call me ugly, slut , etc. because i would pick at my face, see older guys (by her influence etc). I was stuck between 2 hateful arguing parents, and an abusive step father. I learned to hide in my room and avoid people because i hated the screaming, and thats why im introverted now. My father moved all the time, same as his parents... and now i really want to. I never feel like i belong anywhere. At the drop of a dime i could leave everyone and not care... sort of. Thats what underlying current sits, and i try to surpress it. My move to salisbury was one of those times it won over, but surprizingly i found my own place there, somewhere that was mine and mine alone.
Ive had 7 brothers total in my life. Im very boyish, but i crave to be more girly. I dont know how to primp, or dress to fit me. I dont know how to do subtle make up. I hate my hair, I hate my face except very rare occasions. I feel small, too skinny, and very uncurvy. Im a board, and ive been told that by people. I never thought people looked at me, and really they never did, so i still dont feel pretty. I cant take a compliment. Ive been laughed in highschool on my birthday, because i wore a skirt. i went in feeling good about myself, and left feeling horrible, skinny, ugly, and simply not good enough.
Ive played strip poker with my brothers as a kid once.... i lost, than ran around naked. later i learned that was wrong. Ive covered for my only full blood brother when he stole. My step brother said he would tell on him if i didnt do what he said. Then i went to his room and he dry humped me. Its not a rape, but it is an offense, and ive grown past it. I just wish i had told someone. You know what else? My blood brother knew, and instead of being thankful, he put the nickname Hamster out there.. it lasted from middle school to highschool. It was to refer to the time him and his friend "thought" i was masturbating with a hamster.... asshole.
My home life as a kid involved a drunkard stepfather who would get into fights and beat on my mom, and 2 brothers. He cheated on her, gambled and is believed to have done cocain. He called me casper. One nickname im not fond of. Another nickname is muffin or muffy. My mom used it against me "ok muffy, why dont u go live with ur dad." yeah she thought thats what he called me, and she would give it such a hideous sound. Other nicknames were carebear, scrapper, and tiger-not so bad. But i was also called Ugly and Turd. I laughed them off. Little did i know their affects.
So after leaving high school, running to college, and thinking there would be so many more mature people there... well there were not. All those damn seniors went to college too. I got sick, real sick and after going to mom for support she turned me away and made me feel horrible. She always over reacts. Then i got accused by 2 black people of being racist because i was "mugging" them. WTF is mugging? there were no purses involved. I was giving them dirty looks b/c they were my roommates friends and i though we were all friends, till they started pretending i was not in the room. And they didnt like my guy friend who had no problem with them. He was just use to calling them persons of color. sometime in the winter i got a PBJ for going through a red light, which was because my passanger was screaming and distracted me. So time kept going, year one ended.
Year two... i lived with 7 other girls... OMG i will not do that again. Not bad, but not ideal. I was suppose to work at MR ducks that summer, and i did for half of it. at the end of the school year right at finals week, mom called in tears to tell me Her husband had been cheating for 4-5 years, and that the house my father built was being foreclosed on. i was fine till i hung up the phone. I was worried a fight would go wrong, and mike would put her in a hospital. .Thank god that never happened, i would have killed him. By this age i had way too much aggression built up underneath. Halfway through the summer i dropped everythign and moved home. I helped relocate mom and our 3 fl house into one half the size, which is my grandmothers. Heard so many arguments about space invaded etc. And i also hit someone, and had to pay 1000 dollars to fix thier bumper
Year three... I really dont remember much. Stayed home very frequently. alone. My old car broke, and none of my family would cosign for a loan so i could get a new one. my dad didnt because he was takign a 200,000 dollar loan out to fix his house, and he had just bought a new car. Grandparents didnt think i could pay. And yet my dad bought 3 cars for my looser brother who was in and out of jail, stole, and didnt have a job and was not going to school.. Thanks for the rewards for doing so good. My grandmother that had nothing to give is the one that signed.
year four... i graduated. Found an amazing guy, and had an offical 3 month relationship. Really ive been seeing him for more than a year. We basically lived together, did so much together, and he opened my mind up to new things. ive gotten too possessive. We are not dating, but it hurts so bad to see or imagine him with someone else. and i really want it to go away. I just want to be able to be his friend like he wants that is his close friend, and not feel hurt over nonesense. He says his feelings never change about those he cares for. and he likes me as much as he always has. I dont always understand this, and given my relationship history i cant feel it to the core to believe it. I refuse to distance myself, because it would not benefit either of us. Hes the most stable thing i have currently.
Since i graduated ive lived back at home, the place i left for a reason... I work 40 minutes on a good day from my house. I waste 2 hours of my day driving in traffic. I do tech support, which im not really ment for. and i cant stand data analysis. Spending 23 weeks just scrolling through data drains me. I make about 30,000 a year, so thats a plus, and my coworkers are great. But i am going crazy here. To add to the mix of adjusting to being single and seeing my love flirting around, and to a shitty boring job... on NYE my grandfather was hit by a van. He was driving a motor cycle and it crushed his leg. He now has 1 and a half legs. And is very forgetful.. and he lives in FL. I was suppose to spend NYE with shaun, our time, and that got dropped because i had to fly to florida because i am the executor of his wll. Yeay. It was boring, and he was comatose the whole time. I came home after 1 week to work because my family struggles with bills and i paid my moms bills, got her caught up. Then my grand mother comes home with my little brother. She was sick, and that week diagnosed with lung cancer. I didnt cry. Not yet. They called me cold, and that is what really hurt. Then i cried, but i think just once.
Come to find out its small cell cancer. Shes on the begining of the 4th stage out of 5 and even if kemo helps, she wont ever go back in stages or recover. She wont beat it. At best i can hope for 1-2 years with her. And she has no clue. She thinks she can beat it, and it hurts to look at her because i knwo different. I cant imagine her not being there. She is our families saving grace. It cuts deap. My personal conflicts with my "relationships" with my "friend/s" hurts daily, and so does the knowledge of my grandmother. I hurt so bad, that me, a person who has learned not to cry, is on the brink of crying every day, at any time of that day. Im lost because i dont knwo if i want to go move and go to school and leave everyone dear to me that needs me, or move to an area where ill work my ass off for shit money, but have much more friends near me than the 3 i have now that i never see. Or do i take the offer of the potential offer of more money so i can stop sharing a room with my mom and have my own place, but still have no friends, but can pay bills? when i think of the pain i feel i see images of me slitting my palm open on both hands, and inflicting self pain.. but i am too strong for that. too smart. I dream of jumping out the 4th floor window behind me and flying. I write in my journal or talk to friends, then feel stupid for doing so. For letting anything get to me, and for being a cry baby. I dont even have a spot to do my art, to do it as therapy.
Today, at lunch i cried, in my car. Small tears that slowly trailed down. escaping the prison i put them in. And i feel it will be this way for a long time.
God I just hurt..