Old news
I want to start this entry with a disclaimer. Those of you who know me well, know my story. Others may have a version, or an idea. I just want to say that I love and respect everyone that I've come into contact with over my lifetime. Even if our interaction started good and ended, I would never air laundry of any kind in spite. I'll mention points of detail, but for the most part will remain silent on most personal moments.
Ok, wow. Resurrecting this blog has brought a time in my life ..to life today. What an emotional rabbit trail. Anyway, I remembered that I started a journal when I found out I was pregnant in 2005. I racked my brain trying to remember the user name, then did. It only has 4 entries. I'm not going to put a link to it here, because it does talk about others that were in my life at the time, and I believe that some things are only ours to remember. I will say that my face is a bit bleepy, I'm sure. It's hard to read about first and second sonograms, baby's 160 heartbeat and how he/she was seemingly dancing around on the monitor, as if for joy. It churns the ache to remember things I haven't thought of in years, and as I mention in my earlier entry..thought I had 'forgotten'. It's, in a way, like reading someone else's life. That sweet young lady is so super excited. How cute is that??! They were married almost 15 years and had never had a child, then all of a sudden, at 32, she's pregnant. What a neat story. What a triumphant story, at that. I can't wait to hear how her pregnancy goes. Her story is so interesting..she's overcome so much, she and her husband. But, the story went a different direction. Exactly 2 months, to the date of my last entry, Zade was stillborn in a hospital in Dallas. What do I do with this tale? It's being told again, to me, for a reason...today. Maybe because I've been the reader, the listener. It was easier to see from a 3rd person point of view. Looking in on. You can empathize with others, then walk away from the pain. If the pain is yours, it's yours..yours to deal with. Deflection. Disassociation.
I know I'm to 'give' my worries to God. I wasn't even accepting them as mine, though. I suppose I can truly do that now then.
~~~
Remember, you can walk through the darkest of scariest of times and still be ok. You're not weak if you feel. You're not "troubled" just because you may have experienced something devastating, tragic or out of what most call the norm. I would venture to say that if you've gone through some shitty times, you'd be good to share your story..because that's your testimony. People hear what you've endured and they are built up and encouraged by your story, your history. They find even the slightest sliver of a similarity in their own lifestory and they see that you're ok ..and somehow just know they'll be ok too. This comes to mind when I say that. Romans 1:12 ..that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith. I don't know where your faith lies, but I do know that this statement has been proven to be true over and over in my life. I can't be so bold as to believe I'm the only one who's ever been encouraged by someone else's faith. Their triumph over their battle, whether still fighting it with a smile on their face..or at the other side looking at their scars..still smiling.
~~~~
Now, for something completely different! It's almost 8pm and I'm hungry. I am thinking spagetti. I don't have garlic bread, but I could toast some wheat w/ some butter and garlic powder, I s'pose. >_< yum. Thanks for reading. Knowing you're reading these words right this second means the absolute universe to me. And if you're smiling, awesome.
xo
Ok, wow. Resurrecting this blog has brought a time in my life ..to life today. What an emotional rabbit trail. Anyway, I remembered that I started a journal when I found out I was pregnant in 2005. I racked my brain trying to remember the user name, then did. It only has 4 entries. I'm not going to put a link to it here, because it does talk about others that were in my life at the time, and I believe that some things are only ours to remember. I will say that my face is a bit bleepy, I'm sure. It's hard to read about first and second sonograms, baby's 160 heartbeat and how he/she was seemingly dancing around on the monitor, as if for joy. It churns the ache to remember things I haven't thought of in years, and as I mention in my earlier entry..thought I had 'forgotten'. It's, in a way, like reading someone else's life. That sweet young lady is so super excited. How cute is that??! They were married almost 15 years and had never had a child, then all of a sudden, at 32, she's pregnant. What a neat story. What a triumphant story, at that. I can't wait to hear how her pregnancy goes. Her story is so interesting..she's overcome so much, she and her husband. But, the story went a different direction. Exactly 2 months, to the date of my last entry, Zade was stillborn in a hospital in Dallas. What do I do with this tale? It's being told again, to me, for a reason...today. Maybe because I've been the reader, the listener. It was easier to see from a 3rd person point of view. Looking in on. You can empathize with others, then walk away from the pain. If the pain is yours, it's yours..yours to deal with. Deflection. Disassociation.
I know I'm to 'give' my worries to God. I wasn't even accepting them as mine, though. I suppose I can truly do that now then.
~~~
Remember, you can walk through the darkest of scariest of times and still be ok. You're not weak if you feel. You're not "troubled" just because you may have experienced something devastating, tragic or out of what most call the norm. I would venture to say that if you've gone through some shitty times, you'd be good to share your story..because that's your testimony. People hear what you've endured and they are built up and encouraged by your story, your history. They find even the slightest sliver of a similarity in their own lifestory and they see that you're ok ..and somehow just know they'll be ok too. This comes to mind when I say that. Romans 1:12 ..that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith. I don't know where your faith lies, but I do know that this statement has been proven to be true over and over in my life. I can't be so bold as to believe I'm the only one who's ever been encouraged by someone else's faith. Their triumph over their battle, whether still fighting it with a smile on their face..or at the other side looking at their scars..still smiling.
~~~~
Now, for something completely different! It's almost 8pm and I'm hungry. I am thinking spagetti. I don't have garlic bread, but I could toast some wheat w/ some butter and garlic powder, I s'pose. >_< yum. Thanks for reading. Knowing you're reading these words right this second means the absolute universe to me. And if you're smiling, awesome.
xo