[fic] naran saram
나란 사람/someone like me [2/?]
Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-13 (might change); 8229 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: I hadn't planned to update this soon but I was really happy and surprised by all the comments I received so I thought it was only fair~ I wanted to get the ~christmas scene~ up before the holiday but I think it will be after, sorry ;_; thank you for being so kind to me, readers :) I hope you enjoy this part as well!
part 1 | part 2 | part 03 | part 4 | part 5
ㅎ
Kyuhyun wakes up later, unaware that he had ever fallen asleep. Someone is shaking his shoulder lightly and when he opens his eyes, he sees Sungmin's sleeping face mere centimeters before his own. He inhales sharply, jerking back so suddenly that he almost falls off his bed.
"Careful, Kyuhyunnie," his mother scolds in a whisper, catching his back before he rolls into a heap on the floor. Kyuhyun can almost swear his mother is pushing him back at Sungmin, back into her personal space, close enough that he can see her brow furrow slightly. Her fist curls into Kyuhyun's pillow before relaxing, thin little fingers spread out wide and reaching for something.
Kyuhyun pushes himself up blearily, taking in the foggy sight of his bedroom, and turns to look at his mother standing beside his bed with a smile on her face.
"It's- it's not- this isn't what it looks like!" He defends wildly, gesturing between himself and Sungmin in bed. Kyuhyun tells himself he's dreaming when he sees Sungmin's partially exposed stomach; he can almost remember how her soft skin felt under his fingertips, but that can't be true - he would never touch her. He would never have brushed up her shirt, or taken advantage of it happening naturally; no, no, no, he wouldn't have. He can't even remember falling asleep, or putting the empty bowl of noodles on his bedside table, or sliding down to lay beside her and nap. He wouldn't have done that intentionally.
"I didn't say anything," his mother says skeptically, voice hushing her son. "Are you feeling alright, Kyuhyunnie? You're all red," she worries, pressing the back of her hand against his forehead. Kyuhyun jerks away from the cool touch and drags his hands down his face, quickly sitting up on the edge of his bed, away from Sungmin. "Well," his mother sniffs, taking up the bowl from his table. "I just came to tell Sungmin her mother called and wanted to know if she was staying the night," she explains. "I would have let you sleep but you're both still dressed, I thought you should change into some pajamas."
Kyuhyun looks up at his mother through his fingers, horrified. "Mom!" He nearly shrieks, and his mother shushes him again when Sungmin makes a soft noise at the back of her throat. Kyuhyun glances over his shoulder, watches her shift and roll over, the movement twisting her white t-shirt further up. Kyuhyun's face is on fire.
"Lend her one of your t-shirts and some boxers, okay Kyuhyunnie? Don't let her sleep in that," she instructs while patting her son on the head. "I'll call you down for breakfast in the morning, don't worry," she sing-songs, fluttering out his bedroom door.
"Mother!" Kyuhyun hisses, but his mother is gone, and Sungmin is still in his bed, her narrow waist and voluptuous hips exposed, skin touching his sheets, and Kyuhyun is freaking out.
"Kyu?" Sungmin calls sleepily, and Kyuhyun stiffens, turning to look over his shoulder again. Sungmin has twisted back around slightly to look at him through tired eyes, her manicured fingernails brushing the sleep away. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he murmurs, scratching the back of his neck and turning back around to glare at his open bedroom door, as if his mother were still there and he could communicate his anger through a single, fiery look.
"I thought I heard your voice," Sungmin yawns, and Kyuhyun feels the bed shift, feels the mattress dip and sees Sungmin out the corner of his eye as she lets her tanned legs fall over the edge of the bed to sit beside him.
"Mum was here," he replies shortly, staring at the floor and not Sungmin's thighs.
"Hm? Oh gosh, what time is it? Shit, it's almost midnight, my mother-"
Kyuhyun can't help it; he smiles because he can't remember ever hearing Sungmin curse, wonders where she picked it up and hopes it wasn't from him.
"It's okay," he says tiredly, rubbing at his face again. "She called, think my mom said you were staying the night," he yawns out his sentence brokenly.
"Oh," Sungmin says softly, and Kyuhyun finally turns his tired eyes on her. She's looking at the clock, biting her lip, then reluctantly looking at him. "Sorry," she mutters, and pushes herself up off the bed. Kyuhyun narrows his eyes.
"You have to be somewhere?" He asks, telling himself there isn't the hint of an accusation in his voice, nor is he feeling the slightest twinge of jealousy.
Sungmin turns confused eyes on him, and quirks her lips. "What?"
"My mum said you were staying, so why are you leaving?" He asks, wondering why the fuck he isn't letting her go without a fight. Isn't this what he wanted? What he needed? To keep her at a distance instead of holding on? He can't delude himself into thinking he's keeping her close so she's not around untrustworthy boys; he's not doing her parents a favor, because he knows he's the one who can't be trusted. He can still feel her skin burning under his fingertips.
Sungmin's confusion only etches itself deeper on her face, and she looks around the room for some sort of cue she's missing, before looking back to him on the bed.
"I thought- you-" She mutters unintelligibly, running her fingers through her long hair, pushing it out of her face. "I don't want to overstay my welcome," she offers by way of explanation, but Kyuhyun doesn't think that's the entire truth.
"My house is your house," Kyuhyun grinds out, and Sungmin's eyes widen at the poorly disguised bitterness in his tone. "That's how it's always been, right?" He asks, unable to stop himself even though he knows he's out of line, fucking things up like he's been doing for the past few years.
"What's wrong with you?" Sungmin nearly whispers, lower lip quivering just slightly as she keeps her distance, hands clenched into fists at her sides. "Why're you being so mean?"
Kyuhyun laughs abruptly, causing her to flinch, and then she's narrowing her eyes.
"Whatever," she breathes, making her way to the bedroom door.
"That's good, don't keep him waiting," Kyuhyun bites, standing up suddenly and Sungmin's hand grabs the doorjamb as she turns to look at him, hurt and confusion twisting her pretty features.
"Fuck you," she hisses, but Kyuhyun can tell she's not accustomed to using such language; her voice is so quiet and weak, her face flushed and fingernails digging into the wood.
"Such dirty words, Min. Is that what you've learned while I'm away at school? What else do you do with that filthy mouth?" He taunts, body trembling with jealousy and anger. What the fuck is wrong with me? he nearly screams, watching Sungmin's eyes burn with tears as he grabs the doorjamb above her hand, towering over her.
"I hate you," she cries, the tears falling freely just before she spins out of the room, long brown hair catching a fleeting bit of light from his bedside lamp, a glowing sheet of honey fluttering out of the room.
In the instant that she's no longer in his sight, it's as if a ton of ice-cold water washes over Kyuhyun's conscience, freeing him from whatever fucked up spell he's susceptible to whenever Sungmin's around.
"Shit," he breathes, running out of his room just moments after. "Sungmin, wait, shit, I'm sorry!" He calls, catching sight of her hair whipping around the corner at the bottom of the stairs. Kyuhyun grabs the railing on either side of the stairs and practically throws himself down in haste, feet only landing once half-way down, and then again at the bottom. Sungmin gasps when she hears his weight landing too soon behind her, and her brief hesitation is all the time it takes Kyuhyun to put himself in front of her at the door, hands out in apology. "I'm sorry, Minnie, I'm sorry, I just-"
Sungmin raises her hand as if to slap him, but stops, her delicate wrist trembling in the air between them. Kyuhyun, still panting, eyes it wearily before slowly turning his gaze back to the young girl.
Sungmin's cheeks are streaked with tears, lips trembling with their salty deposits, eyes red and wide.
"You can hit me," Kyuhyun says quietly, moving his hands out to the side, leaving himself open and vulnerable. "I'm sorry, Min. I didn't mean to hurt you," he promises solemnly, unable to help himself - his face slowly scrunches, eyes narrowing in anticipation of her mighty slap, but it doesn't come.
Sungmin breathes deeply, her chest heaving up and down; her hand trembles so badly that she lowers it.
"Eunhyuk-ah showed me how to slap boys," she chokes out in a whisper, fingers curling into her palm at her side.
Kyuhyun hesitantly stands back up to his full height, his shoulders no longer hunched in defense, and thanks God for girls like Eunhyuk. He would have thought slapping was instinctive, once the behavior was learned through daytime dramas, but Eunhyuk has always been a bit spunky, and she could punch Kyuhyun in the arm during summer break and he'd still be feeling it come his Chuseok visit.
"Have you had to do it very often?" Kyuhyun asks gently, schooling his voice to keep the worry to himself; he doesn't want to think about Sungmin having to fight anyone off, doesn't want to remember how his veins burned when he saw that boy's arms around her earlier.
"Once," she murmurs, brushing her fingers at her wet cheeks. "Or twice. Three times," she amends, and Kyuhyun grits his teeth. "Well, several times. You should've been here," Sungmin accuses weakly, meeting his eyes. "To tell me about how awful boys would act when I got older. You should've been here!" She cries, suddenly pushing his chest with both palms, forcing him back against the door heavily.
Kyuhyun winces, eyes closing upon the initial impact, before flashing open again. He can't cover up the apology in his eyes, doesn't really want to, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He steps forward, palms out again, opening his mouth to say something, but Sungmin gets there first.
"You went away and you hardly come back anymore, Kyuhyun. You were supposed to always be here, like you promised."
Sungmin's voice is so feathery and quiet, embarrassed and hurt, that it barely registers and like it fades into nothing, so does she, and Kyuhyun is standing alone in front of the open door, staring unseeingly when his mother comes bustling down the staircase asking him what's wrong, is Sungmin alright, where did she go?
ㅎ
Kyuhyun stays up all night. Sits at his desk and stares at his laptop, at the obnoxious blinking cursor on his blank word document; the blank word document that he'd opened hours ago when he first came home and vowed to work on research instead of thinking of Sungmin and the boy's hands on her bare skin. The cursor mocks him and his perversions, and begins moving along the screen, sending Kyuhyun a clear message:
You're twenty-three, she's sixteen, she's like your little sister, imagine what her mother would say, her dad would probably cut off your balls-
"I know that," Kyuhyun hisses, grabbing his laptop screen. "You think I don't know that?!"
It takes him a minute to realize he's talking - yelling - at his laptop before he abruptly lets go as if burned, and realizes the words really are there, and he must have typed them even though he can't remember it. Like he can't remember lying down with Sungmin, but he swears he knows just how her warm skin felt under his fingertips - how smooth, supple, and tender.
Sungmin is still a little girl - not just Kyuhyun's little girl, but a girl seven years his junior who should be with boys her age-
"No, not that," he moans, dropping his head heavily onto his laptop keyboard. "Anything but that."
So, not with boys her age, not until she's older-
"Even then," he moans again. "No no no, never. I'll send her to a nunnery," he swears under his breath, opening his eyes to stare at the blurred shapes of keys just centimeters before his eyes.
He practically raised her, he thinks. Why did Sungmin have to grow up at all? Couldn't she just have stayed his little girl forever? Why did he have to miss her so much when he was away at school? Wondering if she was taking care of herself or if he'd have to scold her when he came to visit. She was thinner every time, but her body had changed, developed into a woman's figure like the girls in Kyuhyun's lectures and discussions. She acted more reserved, like she was keeping secrets from him, but wasn't that how their friendship should be? A teenage girl sharing all the sordid details of her life with an older guy; even for them it was strange, right? People grew out of relationships over time, and at Sungmin's age, it would be odd to have a male friend his age, just like Shindong would tease him during labs last semester:
"Who's the cute girl? Your little sister?"
Kyuhyun looked up from his cell phone where he'd been idly flipping through his photo gallery while waiting for class to start. He glanced back down to see he'd been staring at the same picture for a few minutes; him and Sungmin last summer, their cheeks pressed together with silly smiles on their faces, the sun setting behind them as they sat on the balcony outside Kyuhyun's bedroom.
"No, I'm an only child. She's my friend back home," he murmured absently, smiling down at the photo.
"... how old is she?" Shindong asked after a moment of silence.
"She turned sixteen a couple months ago," Kyuhyun said with a grin, remembering Eunhyuk dragging him up the path to the Lee's front door, out of the cold and into the warm house where people laughed and drank and celebrated; and then she was pushing him into the kitchen, shouting to the whole room, 'Happy Birthday, Sungmin!' and presenting him to the pretty girl with the pink costume top hat perched crookedly on her head, who smiled and threw herself at him.
"... I'll be right back," Shindong said teasingly after another pause. "I'm going to ask the professor if it's too late to change lab partners. I can't be seen consorting with a pedophile."
It was weird, wasn't it? Sometimes Kyuhyun has to convince himself that Shindong was right - he can't have that kind of relationship with a teenage girl, even if they're only friends. Sometimes it feels perfectly alright to kiss Sungmin's sleeping temple and tuck her into bed, even now that she's a young woman, and that's the problem - he had never hesitated to do those things when really he should have, so now he was fucking things up, acting like the asshole he had been earlier that night.
Once he realized what people were thinking, now that he'd begun to see Sungmin as something other than his little girl, it was a problem.
Kyuhyun turns his head slightly, his vision spinning for a moment due to exhaustion, and spies the faint purple glow on the horizon outside his window. He's watched plenty of sunrises and sunsets with Sungmin over the years, although they kept the sunrises a secret; if her parents knew that Kyuhyun had spoiled Sungmin all those years with late nights, they would never have trusted him to watch over her.
Running his hands down his face, he suffocates the sleepiness in his eyes, pinching them shut so tight that his head swims. Then he shuts down his laptop and pushes himself weakly from his chair, knowing he won't sleep, can't sleep until he apologizes, until Sungmin forgives him for being a fucking asshole. He's humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed for insinuating things about her; he thinks he probably terrified her, and it makes him sick. He stops by the bathroom on his way out the door, wondering if he's going to vomit, but the feeling passes long enough for him to forge on.
It's 5:35 AM but Sungmin's parents are eating breakfast when he comes through the gate between their yards, up the stone path to their back door, just like he knew they would be. They've always been early risers, even after their hectic work schedules settled down before Kyuhyun went to college and couldn't look after Sungmin any longer. They eat a full, healthy breakfast together every morning, and leave for work calmly instead of in a rush.
"Ah, Kyuhyunnie," Sungmin's mother chirps, making to stand and probably get him a plate, too, but he gestures politely with his hand for her to sit back down. "We figured you came home since Sungmin went over last night. But she didn't stay the night? We heard her come in around midnight," her mother says with a crease in her forehead, and Kyuhyun bows his head miserably for a moment, unsure of what to say.
"Good Lord, look at you," her father says, pushing his plate of noodles, eggs, and fruit toward Kyuhyun. "Don't you eat at college? You'll give your poor mother a heart attack, coming home like that. Eat up, son," he scolds seriously.
Kyuhyun waves his hand again, murmuring a 'thank you, no,' but the room starts to spin slightly, and he realizes just how tired and underfed he must really be. He grips the back of the chair in front of him and tries not to feel guilty when Sungmin's parents look at him worriedly. He knows he looks like shit.
"I'm sorry for coming over so early," he apologizes, smiling weakly when both of them say it's nonsense. "I wanted to talk to Min... I upset her last night," he confesses, cheeks burning with humiliation. Sungmin's mother gives him a sympathetic smile.
"Let's make up a plate, okay Kyuhyunnie? You need to eat and Sungmin does, too. She doesn't have much of an appetite these days, but she'll always eat when you ask her to," she says confidently, leading Kyuhyun further into the kitchen.
He doesn't mention how last night Sungmin fought him pretty hard about eating; it's enough that he's this close with her and her family, that they can talk about things like this. Kyuhyun rummages around in the refrigerator while Sungmin's mother dishes up cold noodles with scrambled eggs, searching for what were once Sungmin's favorite fruits, vowing to do whatever it takes to prepare her a good breakfast and actually get her to eat it. He doesn't want to think that Sungmin doesn't eat on purpose, doesn't want to think her self-image is poor enough that she deprives herself, but he hasn't let himself get inside her head the last couple of years, so he doesn't know better, one way or the other.
Her mother kisses him on the cheek and pats his back before sending him up the stairs with a plate pull of noodles, eggs, toast, and fruit. Kyuhyun bites the lid of a juice bottle between his teeth and smiles awkwardly around it in thanks. It's dumb luck that a teenage girl's bedroom door wouldn't be closed and locked, he thinks, using his elbow to carefully nudge it open.
Kyuhyun freezes momentarily inside her room, noticing the small figure curled under pink blankets, before taking in the overwhelming array of photographs still tacked all over her bedroom walls. He sets the heavy plate down on Sungmin's bedside table along with the juice, before straightening up and having a look at the photos closest to the light, the ones around her bed that she would see before going to sleep.
He would have thought some photos would be replaced over time, especially ones of himself, but he recognizes many of them. Some are new, pictures of Sungmin with people he doesn't recognize, boys he doesn't recognize, but then there are plenty of photos of Sungmin and himself, and he smiles smugly when he sees that they are overlapping others, obscuring faces.
Kyuhyun is important, more important than other people, but he feels like a dick when he looks at Sungmin's sleeping face. He doesn't think when his hand reaches down to brush tendrils of soft brown hair from her cheeks, revealing slightly puffy, red eyelids. Something in his chest tightens and he sighs, sitting on the edge of the bed, running his hands over his face again.
"This is so fucked up," he mutters to himself, hanging his head and leaning over his knees. His head spins again, tired, exhausted, hungry but without the energy or desire to eat.
"Kyu," Sungmin murmurs hoarsely, and he turns suddenly, watching her watch him with her puffy eyes and red nose.
"Hey little girl," he says quietly with a smile, his body moving almost on autopilot, knowing what to do without consulting him. He crawls back onto the bed and sits with his back against the headboard, needing the support to keep himself from falling over.
"Why are you here?" Sungmin asks, closing her eyes again and curling her fingers into the pillow.
Kyuhyun doesn't answer for a minute, doesn't want to talk to the top of Sungmin's head, and waits for her to look at him with an annoyed expression on her face. He smiles weakly.
"I wanted to apologize," he says, keeping his voice low. It's morning but just barely, the sky purpling and turning reddish on the horizon. Sungmin resolutely closes her eyes again, and Kyuhyun sighs, reaches his hand to slip his fingers into her hair. Seeing her bundled up in her pink blankets, only her heart-shaped face visible, it's almost like she's seven years old again and he's staying over until her parents come home from a business dinner.
Sungmin opens her eyes at the contact, peers up at him as he brushes her hair away from her face.
"I want to apologize and I want you to believe it," he elaborates, and Sungmin lowers her eyes but they remain open, so Kyuhyun keeps talking. "I didn't mean any of it; you shouldn't have had to listen to that, Minnie, I'm sorry."
"Why did you say it then?" She asks quietly after a while, looking back up at him. Kyuhyun's face flushes but he refuses to look away, knowing he's going to have to man up and take responsibility, especially if he doesn't want to fuck up again. He's a man, he tells himself. He's an adult and he has to be held accountable for being such an asshole.
"I don't know," he lies. You're pathetic, he thinks to himself. You want to take responsibility and you can't even tell the fucking truth.
The truth would only make it worse though, right? If Sungmin knew her beloved oppa was a fucking pervert, she'd never overcome the emotional scarring.
"I brought you something to eat," Kyuhyun adds when Sungmin doesn't respond.
"Not hungry," she grumbles, burrowing into her pillows like a child.
"There are strawberries, though," he entices. "Cut the way you like them, like hearts, remember?" He asks hopefully, but Sungmin doesn't move. "And pumpkin yogurt; your mum said she made it the other day but you haven't eaten any yet. It's your favorite, isn't it?" Sungmin shifts slightly, squirming, but doesn't say anything. Kyuhyun bites his lip, his fingertips curling behind the shell of her ear, tucking long strands of hair away. "And pomegranate arils, and kiwis, and granola, and orange-mango juice, and noodles with scrambled eggs, and whole wheat toast, Min, because I know you hate white bread, and I toasted it right, not too long, but just enough so-"
Kyuhyun stops rambling only when Sungmin suddenly pushes herself up out from within her pink cocoon and throws her arms around his shoulders, burrowing her face into his neck and holding on for dear life. His arms go around her warm back, holding her close even though it's distracting, even though he can feel the fullness of her breasts pressing against his chest, the warmth of her abdomen against his, her arms hot and soft around his neck. Kyuhyun's never held a girl in his arms - nor a woman - and he knows he probably never will again.
"I'm so sorry, Min," he whispers in her hair, voice thick even when he tries to sound unaffected. He kisses the side of her temple and squeezes her tight, feels her squeeze him back, and thinks maybe he's been forgiven.
No matter how far he goes away, how long he stays there, how hard he tries to forget things, he'll always come back and he'll always know everything about her.
ㅎ
Kyuhyun/girl!Sungmin; PG-13 (might change); 8229 words; chaptered
Kyuhyun's best friend will always be his little girl, even when she grows up.
a/n: I hadn't planned to update this soon but I was really happy and surprised by all the comments I received so I thought it was only fair~ I wanted to get the ~christmas scene~ up before the holiday but I think it will be after, sorry ;_; thank you for being so kind to me, readers :) I hope you enjoy this part as well!
part 1 | part 2 | part 03 | part 4 | part 5
ㅎ
Kyuhyun wakes up later, unaware that he had ever fallen asleep. Someone is shaking his shoulder lightly and when he opens his eyes, he sees Sungmin's sleeping face mere centimeters before his own. He inhales sharply, jerking back so suddenly that he almost falls off his bed.
"Careful, Kyuhyunnie," his mother scolds in a whisper, catching his back before he rolls into a heap on the floor. Kyuhyun can almost swear his mother is pushing him back at Sungmin, back into her personal space, close enough that he can see her brow furrow slightly. Her fist curls into Kyuhyun's pillow before relaxing, thin little fingers spread out wide and reaching for something.
Kyuhyun pushes himself up blearily, taking in the foggy sight of his bedroom, and turns to look at his mother standing beside his bed with a smile on her face.
"It's- it's not- this isn't what it looks like!" He defends wildly, gesturing between himself and Sungmin in bed. Kyuhyun tells himself he's dreaming when he sees Sungmin's partially exposed stomach; he can almost remember how her soft skin felt under his fingertips, but that can't be true - he would never touch her. He would never have brushed up her shirt, or taken advantage of it happening naturally; no, no, no, he wouldn't have. He can't even remember falling asleep, or putting the empty bowl of noodles on his bedside table, or sliding down to lay beside her and nap. He wouldn't have done that intentionally.
"I didn't say anything," his mother says skeptically, voice hushing her son. "Are you feeling alright, Kyuhyunnie? You're all red," she worries, pressing the back of her hand against his forehead. Kyuhyun jerks away from the cool touch and drags his hands down his face, quickly sitting up on the edge of his bed, away from Sungmin. "Well," his mother sniffs, taking up the bowl from his table. "I just came to tell Sungmin her mother called and wanted to know if she was staying the night," she explains. "I would have let you sleep but you're both still dressed, I thought you should change into some pajamas."
Kyuhyun looks up at his mother through his fingers, horrified. "Mom!" He nearly shrieks, and his mother shushes him again when Sungmin makes a soft noise at the back of her throat. Kyuhyun glances over his shoulder, watches her shift and roll over, the movement twisting her white t-shirt further up. Kyuhyun's face is on fire.
"Lend her one of your t-shirts and some boxers, okay Kyuhyunnie? Don't let her sleep in that," she instructs while patting her son on the head. "I'll call you down for breakfast in the morning, don't worry," she sing-songs, fluttering out his bedroom door.
"Mother!" Kyuhyun hisses, but his mother is gone, and Sungmin is still in his bed, her narrow waist and voluptuous hips exposed, skin touching his sheets, and Kyuhyun is freaking out.
"Kyu?" Sungmin calls sleepily, and Kyuhyun stiffens, turning to look over his shoulder again. Sungmin has twisted back around slightly to look at him through tired eyes, her manicured fingernails brushing the sleep away. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he murmurs, scratching the back of his neck and turning back around to glare at his open bedroom door, as if his mother were still there and he could communicate his anger through a single, fiery look.
"I thought I heard your voice," Sungmin yawns, and Kyuhyun feels the bed shift, feels the mattress dip and sees Sungmin out the corner of his eye as she lets her tanned legs fall over the edge of the bed to sit beside him.
"Mum was here," he replies shortly, staring at the floor and not Sungmin's thighs.
"Hm? Oh gosh, what time is it? Shit, it's almost midnight, my mother-"
Kyuhyun can't help it; he smiles because he can't remember ever hearing Sungmin curse, wonders where she picked it up and hopes it wasn't from him.
"It's okay," he says tiredly, rubbing at his face again. "She called, think my mom said you were staying the night," he yawns out his sentence brokenly.
"Oh," Sungmin says softly, and Kyuhyun finally turns his tired eyes on her. She's looking at the clock, biting her lip, then reluctantly looking at him. "Sorry," she mutters, and pushes herself up off the bed. Kyuhyun narrows his eyes.
"You have to be somewhere?" He asks, telling himself there isn't the hint of an accusation in his voice, nor is he feeling the slightest twinge of jealousy.
Sungmin turns confused eyes on him, and quirks her lips. "What?"
"My mum said you were staying, so why are you leaving?" He asks, wondering why the fuck he isn't letting her go without a fight. Isn't this what he wanted? What he needed? To keep her at a distance instead of holding on? He can't delude himself into thinking he's keeping her close so she's not around untrustworthy boys; he's not doing her parents a favor, because he knows he's the one who can't be trusted. He can still feel her skin burning under his fingertips.
Sungmin's confusion only etches itself deeper on her face, and she looks around the room for some sort of cue she's missing, before looking back to him on the bed.
"I thought- you-" She mutters unintelligibly, running her fingers through her long hair, pushing it out of her face. "I don't want to overstay my welcome," she offers by way of explanation, but Kyuhyun doesn't think that's the entire truth.
"My house is your house," Kyuhyun grinds out, and Sungmin's eyes widen at the poorly disguised bitterness in his tone. "That's how it's always been, right?" He asks, unable to stop himself even though he knows he's out of line, fucking things up like he's been doing for the past few years.
"What's wrong with you?" Sungmin nearly whispers, lower lip quivering just slightly as she keeps her distance, hands clenched into fists at her sides. "Why're you being so mean?"
Kyuhyun laughs abruptly, causing her to flinch, and then she's narrowing her eyes.
"Whatever," she breathes, making her way to the bedroom door.
"That's good, don't keep him waiting," Kyuhyun bites, standing up suddenly and Sungmin's hand grabs the doorjamb as she turns to look at him, hurt and confusion twisting her pretty features.
"Fuck you," she hisses, but Kyuhyun can tell she's not accustomed to using such language; her voice is so quiet and weak, her face flushed and fingernails digging into the wood.
"Such dirty words, Min. Is that what you've learned while I'm away at school? What else do you do with that filthy mouth?" He taunts, body trembling with jealousy and anger. What the fuck is wrong with me? he nearly screams, watching Sungmin's eyes burn with tears as he grabs the doorjamb above her hand, towering over her.
"I hate you," she cries, the tears falling freely just before she spins out of the room, long brown hair catching a fleeting bit of light from his bedside lamp, a glowing sheet of honey fluttering out of the room.
In the instant that she's no longer in his sight, it's as if a ton of ice-cold water washes over Kyuhyun's conscience, freeing him from whatever fucked up spell he's susceptible to whenever Sungmin's around.
"Shit," he breathes, running out of his room just moments after. "Sungmin, wait, shit, I'm sorry!" He calls, catching sight of her hair whipping around the corner at the bottom of the stairs. Kyuhyun grabs the railing on either side of the stairs and practically throws himself down in haste, feet only landing once half-way down, and then again at the bottom. Sungmin gasps when she hears his weight landing too soon behind her, and her brief hesitation is all the time it takes Kyuhyun to put himself in front of her at the door, hands out in apology. "I'm sorry, Minnie, I'm sorry, I just-"
Sungmin raises her hand as if to slap him, but stops, her delicate wrist trembling in the air between them. Kyuhyun, still panting, eyes it wearily before slowly turning his gaze back to the young girl.
Sungmin's cheeks are streaked with tears, lips trembling with their salty deposits, eyes red and wide.
"You can hit me," Kyuhyun says quietly, moving his hands out to the side, leaving himself open and vulnerable. "I'm sorry, Min. I didn't mean to hurt you," he promises solemnly, unable to help himself - his face slowly scrunches, eyes narrowing in anticipation of her mighty slap, but it doesn't come.
Sungmin breathes deeply, her chest heaving up and down; her hand trembles so badly that she lowers it.
"Eunhyuk-ah showed me how to slap boys," she chokes out in a whisper, fingers curling into her palm at her side.
Kyuhyun hesitantly stands back up to his full height, his shoulders no longer hunched in defense, and thanks God for girls like Eunhyuk. He would have thought slapping was instinctive, once the behavior was learned through daytime dramas, but Eunhyuk has always been a bit spunky, and she could punch Kyuhyun in the arm during summer break and he'd still be feeling it come his Chuseok visit.
"Have you had to do it very often?" Kyuhyun asks gently, schooling his voice to keep the worry to himself; he doesn't want to think about Sungmin having to fight anyone off, doesn't want to remember how his veins burned when he saw that boy's arms around her earlier.
"Once," she murmurs, brushing her fingers at her wet cheeks. "Or twice. Three times," she amends, and Kyuhyun grits his teeth. "Well, several times. You should've been here," Sungmin accuses weakly, meeting his eyes. "To tell me about how awful boys would act when I got older. You should've been here!" She cries, suddenly pushing his chest with both palms, forcing him back against the door heavily.
Kyuhyun winces, eyes closing upon the initial impact, before flashing open again. He can't cover up the apology in his eyes, doesn't really want to, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He steps forward, palms out again, opening his mouth to say something, but Sungmin gets there first.
"You went away and you hardly come back anymore, Kyuhyun. You were supposed to always be here, like you promised."
Sungmin's voice is so feathery and quiet, embarrassed and hurt, that it barely registers and like it fades into nothing, so does she, and Kyuhyun is standing alone in front of the open door, staring unseeingly when his mother comes bustling down the staircase asking him what's wrong, is Sungmin alright, where did she go?
ㅎ
Kyuhyun stays up all night. Sits at his desk and stares at his laptop, at the obnoxious blinking cursor on his blank word document; the blank word document that he'd opened hours ago when he first came home and vowed to work on research instead of thinking of Sungmin and the boy's hands on her bare skin. The cursor mocks him and his perversions, and begins moving along the screen, sending Kyuhyun a clear message:
You're twenty-three, she's sixteen, she's like your little sister, imagine what her mother would say, her dad would probably cut off your balls-
"I know that," Kyuhyun hisses, grabbing his laptop screen. "You think I don't know that?!"
It takes him a minute to realize he's talking - yelling - at his laptop before he abruptly lets go as if burned, and realizes the words really are there, and he must have typed them even though he can't remember it. Like he can't remember lying down with Sungmin, but he swears he knows just how her warm skin felt under his fingertips - how smooth, supple, and tender.
Sungmin is still a little girl - not just Kyuhyun's little girl, but a girl seven years his junior who should be with boys her age-
"No, not that," he moans, dropping his head heavily onto his laptop keyboard. "Anything but that."
So, not with boys her age, not until she's older-
"Even then," he moans again. "No no no, never. I'll send her to a nunnery," he swears under his breath, opening his eyes to stare at the blurred shapes of keys just centimeters before his eyes.
He practically raised her, he thinks. Why did Sungmin have to grow up at all? Couldn't she just have stayed his little girl forever? Why did he have to miss her so much when he was away at school? Wondering if she was taking care of herself or if he'd have to scold her when he came to visit. She was thinner every time, but her body had changed, developed into a woman's figure like the girls in Kyuhyun's lectures and discussions. She acted more reserved, like she was keeping secrets from him, but wasn't that how their friendship should be? A teenage girl sharing all the sordid details of her life with an older guy; even for them it was strange, right? People grew out of relationships over time, and at Sungmin's age, it would be odd to have a male friend his age, just like Shindong would tease him during labs last semester:
"Who's the cute girl? Your little sister?"
Kyuhyun looked up from his cell phone where he'd been idly flipping through his photo gallery while waiting for class to start. He glanced back down to see he'd been staring at the same picture for a few minutes; him and Sungmin last summer, their cheeks pressed together with silly smiles on their faces, the sun setting behind them as they sat on the balcony outside Kyuhyun's bedroom.
"No, I'm an only child. She's my friend back home," he murmured absently, smiling down at the photo.
"... how old is she?" Shindong asked after a moment of silence.
"She turned sixteen a couple months ago," Kyuhyun said with a grin, remembering Eunhyuk dragging him up the path to the Lee's front door, out of the cold and into the warm house where people laughed and drank and celebrated; and then she was pushing him into the kitchen, shouting to the whole room, 'Happy Birthday, Sungmin!' and presenting him to the pretty girl with the pink costume top hat perched crookedly on her head, who smiled and threw herself at him.
"... I'll be right back," Shindong said teasingly after another pause. "I'm going to ask the professor if it's too late to change lab partners. I can't be seen consorting with a pedophile."
It was weird, wasn't it? Sometimes Kyuhyun has to convince himself that Shindong was right - he can't have that kind of relationship with a teenage girl, even if they're only friends. Sometimes it feels perfectly alright to kiss Sungmin's sleeping temple and tuck her into bed, even now that she's a young woman, and that's the problem - he had never hesitated to do those things when really he should have, so now he was fucking things up, acting like the asshole he had been earlier that night.
Once he realized what people were thinking, now that he'd begun to see Sungmin as something other than his little girl, it was a problem.
Kyuhyun turns his head slightly, his vision spinning for a moment due to exhaustion, and spies the faint purple glow on the horizon outside his window. He's watched plenty of sunrises and sunsets with Sungmin over the years, although they kept the sunrises a secret; if her parents knew that Kyuhyun had spoiled Sungmin all those years with late nights, they would never have trusted him to watch over her.
Running his hands down his face, he suffocates the sleepiness in his eyes, pinching them shut so tight that his head swims. Then he shuts down his laptop and pushes himself weakly from his chair, knowing he won't sleep, can't sleep until he apologizes, until Sungmin forgives him for being a fucking asshole. He's humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed for insinuating things about her; he thinks he probably terrified her, and it makes him sick. He stops by the bathroom on his way out the door, wondering if he's going to vomit, but the feeling passes long enough for him to forge on.
It's 5:35 AM but Sungmin's parents are eating breakfast when he comes through the gate between their yards, up the stone path to their back door, just like he knew they would be. They've always been early risers, even after their hectic work schedules settled down before Kyuhyun went to college and couldn't look after Sungmin any longer. They eat a full, healthy breakfast together every morning, and leave for work calmly instead of in a rush.
"Ah, Kyuhyunnie," Sungmin's mother chirps, making to stand and probably get him a plate, too, but he gestures politely with his hand for her to sit back down. "We figured you came home since Sungmin went over last night. But she didn't stay the night? We heard her come in around midnight," her mother says with a crease in her forehead, and Kyuhyun bows his head miserably for a moment, unsure of what to say.
"Good Lord, look at you," her father says, pushing his plate of noodles, eggs, and fruit toward Kyuhyun. "Don't you eat at college? You'll give your poor mother a heart attack, coming home like that. Eat up, son," he scolds seriously.
Kyuhyun waves his hand again, murmuring a 'thank you, no,' but the room starts to spin slightly, and he realizes just how tired and underfed he must really be. He grips the back of the chair in front of him and tries not to feel guilty when Sungmin's parents look at him worriedly. He knows he looks like shit.
"I'm sorry for coming over so early," he apologizes, smiling weakly when both of them say it's nonsense. "I wanted to talk to Min... I upset her last night," he confesses, cheeks burning with humiliation. Sungmin's mother gives him a sympathetic smile.
"Let's make up a plate, okay Kyuhyunnie? You need to eat and Sungmin does, too. She doesn't have much of an appetite these days, but she'll always eat when you ask her to," she says confidently, leading Kyuhyun further into the kitchen.
He doesn't mention how last night Sungmin fought him pretty hard about eating; it's enough that he's this close with her and her family, that they can talk about things like this. Kyuhyun rummages around in the refrigerator while Sungmin's mother dishes up cold noodles with scrambled eggs, searching for what were once Sungmin's favorite fruits, vowing to do whatever it takes to prepare her a good breakfast and actually get her to eat it. He doesn't want to think that Sungmin doesn't eat on purpose, doesn't want to think her self-image is poor enough that she deprives herself, but he hasn't let himself get inside her head the last couple of years, so he doesn't know better, one way or the other.
Her mother kisses him on the cheek and pats his back before sending him up the stairs with a plate pull of noodles, eggs, toast, and fruit. Kyuhyun bites the lid of a juice bottle between his teeth and smiles awkwardly around it in thanks. It's dumb luck that a teenage girl's bedroom door wouldn't be closed and locked, he thinks, using his elbow to carefully nudge it open.
Kyuhyun freezes momentarily inside her room, noticing the small figure curled under pink blankets, before taking in the overwhelming array of photographs still tacked all over her bedroom walls. He sets the heavy plate down on Sungmin's bedside table along with the juice, before straightening up and having a look at the photos closest to the light, the ones around her bed that she would see before going to sleep.
He would have thought some photos would be replaced over time, especially ones of himself, but he recognizes many of them. Some are new, pictures of Sungmin with people he doesn't recognize, boys he doesn't recognize, but then there are plenty of photos of Sungmin and himself, and he smiles smugly when he sees that they are overlapping others, obscuring faces.
Kyuhyun is important, more important than other people, but he feels like a dick when he looks at Sungmin's sleeping face. He doesn't think when his hand reaches down to brush tendrils of soft brown hair from her cheeks, revealing slightly puffy, red eyelids. Something in his chest tightens and he sighs, sitting on the edge of the bed, running his hands over his face again.
"This is so fucked up," he mutters to himself, hanging his head and leaning over his knees. His head spins again, tired, exhausted, hungry but without the energy or desire to eat.
"Kyu," Sungmin murmurs hoarsely, and he turns suddenly, watching her watch him with her puffy eyes and red nose.
"Hey little girl," he says quietly with a smile, his body moving almost on autopilot, knowing what to do without consulting him. He crawls back onto the bed and sits with his back against the headboard, needing the support to keep himself from falling over.
"Why are you here?" Sungmin asks, closing her eyes again and curling her fingers into the pillow.
Kyuhyun doesn't answer for a minute, doesn't want to talk to the top of Sungmin's head, and waits for her to look at him with an annoyed expression on her face. He smiles weakly.
"I wanted to apologize," he says, keeping his voice low. It's morning but just barely, the sky purpling and turning reddish on the horizon. Sungmin resolutely closes her eyes again, and Kyuhyun sighs, reaches his hand to slip his fingers into her hair. Seeing her bundled up in her pink blankets, only her heart-shaped face visible, it's almost like she's seven years old again and he's staying over until her parents come home from a business dinner.
Sungmin opens her eyes at the contact, peers up at him as he brushes her hair away from her face.
"I want to apologize and I want you to believe it," he elaborates, and Sungmin lowers her eyes but they remain open, so Kyuhyun keeps talking. "I didn't mean any of it; you shouldn't have had to listen to that, Minnie, I'm sorry."
"Why did you say it then?" She asks quietly after a while, looking back up at him. Kyuhyun's face flushes but he refuses to look away, knowing he's going to have to man up and take responsibility, especially if he doesn't want to fuck up again. He's a man, he tells himself. He's an adult and he has to be held accountable for being such an asshole.
"I don't know," he lies. You're pathetic, he thinks to himself. You want to take responsibility and you can't even tell the fucking truth.
The truth would only make it worse though, right? If Sungmin knew her beloved oppa was a fucking pervert, she'd never overcome the emotional scarring.
"I brought you something to eat," Kyuhyun adds when Sungmin doesn't respond.
"Not hungry," she grumbles, burrowing into her pillows like a child.
"There are strawberries, though," he entices. "Cut the way you like them, like hearts, remember?" He asks hopefully, but Sungmin doesn't move. "And pumpkin yogurt; your mum said she made it the other day but you haven't eaten any yet. It's your favorite, isn't it?" Sungmin shifts slightly, squirming, but doesn't say anything. Kyuhyun bites his lip, his fingertips curling behind the shell of her ear, tucking long strands of hair away. "And pomegranate arils, and kiwis, and granola, and orange-mango juice, and noodles with scrambled eggs, and whole wheat toast, Min, because I know you hate white bread, and I toasted it right, not too long, but just enough so-"
Kyuhyun stops rambling only when Sungmin suddenly pushes herself up out from within her pink cocoon and throws her arms around his shoulders, burrowing her face into his neck and holding on for dear life. His arms go around her warm back, holding her close even though it's distracting, even though he can feel the fullness of her breasts pressing against his chest, the warmth of her abdomen against his, her arms hot and soft around his neck. Kyuhyun's never held a girl in his arms - nor a woman - and he knows he probably never will again.
"I'm so sorry, Min," he whispers in her hair, voice thick even when he tries to sound unaffected. He kisses the side of her temple and squeezes her tight, feels her squeeze him back, and thinks maybe he's been forgiven.
No matter how far he goes away, how long he stays there, how hard he tries to forget things, he'll always come back and he'll always know everything about her.
ㅎ