I Wanted To Use My Dancer Icon! ^_^
I like dancers and I like to dance ^_^ So I like Princess Tutu, regardless of it's uh... not so masculine title.
So okay, I feel like writing about something that I don't want people to really read, but a part of me DOES want someone to know. So if anyone really cares enough to READ past all the rambling and listen to what I have to say... well gosh give me a hay-penny someone must really like me. Or they're just stalking me. For the rest of you that don't read, I don't really care. And even if no one reads it, that's fine! I just wanted to write this in a public place... b/c I want to. And that's all there is to it.
Yes, it's a complaint. Paranoia that people pity me. Okay, not PITY me, but like when your friend lies to you and says you did something GREAT that you really sucked at just b/c they're your friend and they think that's what you want to hear. In reality, you KNOW you botched it and your friend telling you 'you weren't so bad' when you really WERE is reaffirmation that yes, your friend is a liar. THey may mean well, but they are lying to you.
Parents do this I think. They say that I am the best at [ ] and so on. But do they really think that? Maybe, sometimes. A lot of the time I think not though.
Uh... I don't know that this was my point. My summary is this "If I want my friends to stop pitying me I have to stop pitying me". In other words, if I want to be taken as a healthy, fun happy guy, I have to believe that I am one b/f I start convincing others of the same.
But then I wonder what I AM good at. And darnit, the more I work at things the more I realize how far I am from being any good at those things. Art, piano, writing, music and acting... I do these things and somedays I think 'wow, I did [ ] really well'... and then I see someone else's work and all perspective is shattered on the cruel rocks of comparison. I'm told I should only compare with myself. This is easier said then done. But when I relax and just DRAW or play for the hell of it, things tend to turn out better.
In conclusion, I need to relax and enjoy what I do and stop worrying about how 'good' or 'bad' I am.
There's also a girl I really like! She's not beautiful but she's got a personality that could rip my heart out and step on it and I'd still be happy. Alas, the bonds of time and space have eternally drawn a wedge between our destinies. Besides that though, I don't think I'd ever date her even if the universe allowed. B/c I'm so frustrated with my own personality in light of hers! She's fun and relaxed... and I get all nervous and freeze up, and end up boring the hell out of, me! ^__^ So most days I spend with her I end up driving myself insane b/c I feel such an intense gap in who I am I and who I want to be in light of her. And I'm afraid I'm boring her!!! I don't want to bore her!
There's also this other girl ((Gosh darn, two things are running through my mind at once! Decisions decisions...)) who, the closer she gets to me the more I draw away from her. I do this more and more I think. Feigning interest for kicks, and when they reciprocate for REAL I'm like 'Ahhhhhhhh.... I'm going now!!!" Maybe it has to do with my past.
You see now, quite simply I've never dated anyone b/c I saw the girl, said to myself "I want that girl", and asked her out. It's always been me waiting on the girl to make the first move. Passivity really sucks. I'm trying to break out of it but it's easier said then done. And the more I try the more painfully obvious it becomes that I'm lacking. Or it just feels dishonest.
But why is all this about me? Can't I care about anything that doesn't directly relate to myself? Bleh... caring about other people and other things is what I want... how does one do this?
Back to what I was saying, I ascribe to that natural tendency to be nice to everyone. To the extreme. So if a girl likes me but I'm not interested, I'll still play along b/c I don't want to be mean or have her hate me... but then our relationship breaks down anyway cuz I'm being dishonest and "With no trust there can be no love!" quoting Moulin Rouge. If I don't trust that person to accept my feelings, then how can I ever have more then a skin-deep relationship? Exactly, the answer is no.
Everything dance-related is pink. Why the hell is it always pink? Dancing is fun! I like to dance ^_^ But it's always pink. And related to women, why can't guys dance? Stigmas suck like woah.
I doubt that I'll ever be any good at writing. Maybe if I keep at it... but I feel sorry for Kristie ((My writing Guinea pig)) b/c I'm pretty sure I Suck at it. Ah me... such a downer.
I don't want to be a downer. That's just not cool, y'know? Optimistic and self-assured people are more fun! And I want to be more fun, so I should be more confident and optimistic! But when that means being dishonest with myself... the confidence wains. There are days when I really don't feel like I'm good at anything, or understand anything, and look in the mirror and think "My lips are too big and eyes are too big and my hair's all messed up... I look so awkward." Not good for the old self-image, or self-esteem.
Then again, Christianity doesn't seem to be so great at self-esteem. Lutheranism almost seems fatalistic. Every week it's the same thing "We screwed up, forgive us. We screwed up again, forgive us again. We screwed up like always, forgive us always." I know we're only human... but what about progress?! What about growing in our faith and increasing in goodness and all that?! There's never any focus on that, just on our mistakes. It sure is depressing.
And the Bible sure does confuse me. I understand the basics... like say, when I flip the switch the light turns on. But I don't understand the circuitry. I know faith in Christ saves us from hell, but I don't get how that works. There are other things too, like why should people trust our scriptures are right over any of the other holy books in the world? I've heard that faith is the answer, that you just have to believe. But how can that be? Isn't that the same as gambling, that we can't 'know' which one is right, so make your best guess and believe with all your heart? How can I believe with confidance in something that's largely just a guess! I'm a Christian b/c I grew up a Christian... but if I grew up a Muslim, I'd probably be a Muslim. How can it all be up to chance? There must be a way that we can recognize the Truth among the Deceptions.
Now, it is 2:30. I am very tired and socially inept. I find mild manic-ness is the best way to cope, along with meditation and... wonder of wonders, sleep. So I'm out to dream land. Hope my story doesn't suck as bad tomorrow as it does tonight!
So okay, I feel like writing about something that I don't want people to really read, but a part of me DOES want someone to know. So if anyone really cares enough to READ past all the rambling and listen to what I have to say... well gosh give me a hay-penny someone must really like me. Or they're just stalking me. For the rest of you that don't read, I don't really care. And even if no one reads it, that's fine! I just wanted to write this in a public place... b/c I want to. And that's all there is to it.
Yes, it's a complaint. Paranoia that people pity me. Okay, not PITY me, but like when your friend lies to you and says you did something GREAT that you really sucked at just b/c they're your friend and they think that's what you want to hear. In reality, you KNOW you botched it and your friend telling you 'you weren't so bad' when you really WERE is reaffirmation that yes, your friend is a liar. THey may mean well, but they are lying to you.
Parents do this I think. They say that I am the best at [ ] and so on. But do they really think that? Maybe, sometimes. A lot of the time I think not though.
Uh... I don't know that this was my point. My summary is this "If I want my friends to stop pitying me I have to stop pitying me". In other words, if I want to be taken as a healthy, fun happy guy, I have to believe that I am one b/f I start convincing others of the same.
But then I wonder what I AM good at. And darnit, the more I work at things the more I realize how far I am from being any good at those things. Art, piano, writing, music and acting... I do these things and somedays I think 'wow, I did [ ] really well'... and then I see someone else's work and all perspective is shattered on the cruel rocks of comparison. I'm told I should only compare with myself. This is easier said then done. But when I relax and just DRAW or play for the hell of it, things tend to turn out better.
In conclusion, I need to relax and enjoy what I do and stop worrying about how 'good' or 'bad' I am.
There's also a girl I really like! She's not beautiful but she's got a personality that could rip my heart out and step on it and I'd still be happy. Alas, the bonds of time and space have eternally drawn a wedge between our destinies. Besides that though, I don't think I'd ever date her even if the universe allowed. B/c I'm so frustrated with my own personality in light of hers! She's fun and relaxed... and I get all nervous and freeze up, and end up boring the hell out of, me! ^__^ So most days I spend with her I end up driving myself insane b/c I feel such an intense gap in who I am I and who I want to be in light of her. And I'm afraid I'm boring her!!! I don't want to bore her!
There's also this other girl ((Gosh darn, two things are running through my mind at once! Decisions decisions...)) who, the closer she gets to me the more I draw away from her. I do this more and more I think. Feigning interest for kicks, and when they reciprocate for REAL I'm like 'Ahhhhhhhh.... I'm going now!!!" Maybe it has to do with my past.
You see now, quite simply I've never dated anyone b/c I saw the girl, said to myself "I want that girl", and asked her out. It's always been me waiting on the girl to make the first move. Passivity really sucks. I'm trying to break out of it but it's easier said then done. And the more I try the more painfully obvious it becomes that I'm lacking. Or it just feels dishonest.
But why is all this about me? Can't I care about anything that doesn't directly relate to myself? Bleh... caring about other people and other things is what I want... how does one do this?
Back to what I was saying, I ascribe to that natural tendency to be nice to everyone. To the extreme. So if a girl likes me but I'm not interested, I'll still play along b/c I don't want to be mean or have her hate me... but then our relationship breaks down anyway cuz I'm being dishonest and "With no trust there can be no love!" quoting Moulin Rouge. If I don't trust that person to accept my feelings, then how can I ever have more then a skin-deep relationship? Exactly, the answer is no.
Everything dance-related is pink. Why the hell is it always pink? Dancing is fun! I like to dance ^_^ But it's always pink. And related to women, why can't guys dance? Stigmas suck like woah.
I doubt that I'll ever be any good at writing. Maybe if I keep at it... but I feel sorry for Kristie ((My writing Guinea pig)) b/c I'm pretty sure I Suck at it. Ah me... such a downer.
I don't want to be a downer. That's just not cool, y'know? Optimistic and self-assured people are more fun! And I want to be more fun, so I should be more confident and optimistic! But when that means being dishonest with myself... the confidence wains. There are days when I really don't feel like I'm good at anything, or understand anything, and look in the mirror and think "My lips are too big and eyes are too big and my hair's all messed up... I look so awkward." Not good for the old self-image, or self-esteem.
Then again, Christianity doesn't seem to be so great at self-esteem. Lutheranism almost seems fatalistic. Every week it's the same thing "We screwed up, forgive us. We screwed up again, forgive us again. We screwed up like always, forgive us always." I know we're only human... but what about progress?! What about growing in our faith and increasing in goodness and all that?! There's never any focus on that, just on our mistakes. It sure is depressing.
And the Bible sure does confuse me. I understand the basics... like say, when I flip the switch the light turns on. But I don't understand the circuitry. I know faith in Christ saves us from hell, but I don't get how that works. There are other things too, like why should people trust our scriptures are right over any of the other holy books in the world? I've heard that faith is the answer, that you just have to believe. But how can that be? Isn't that the same as gambling, that we can't 'know' which one is right, so make your best guess and believe with all your heart? How can I believe with confidance in something that's largely just a guess! I'm a Christian b/c I grew up a Christian... but if I grew up a Muslim, I'd probably be a Muslim. How can it all be up to chance? There must be a way that we can recognize the Truth among the Deceptions.
Now, it is 2:30. I am very tired and socially inept. I find mild manic-ness is the best way to cope, along with meditation and... wonder of wonders, sleep. So I'm out to dream land. Hope my story doesn't suck as bad tomorrow as it does tonight!