(no subject)

[halo19181]

I guess it's time to update. I don't have much to write, no extremes in my life really. Right now, I am very tired. Emotionally,physically, I don't know anymore. I'm very lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have the world's most amazing friends whom I love dearly but even they cannot provide me with the kind of companionship I need. Dear Lord, they are not a boyfriend. But even now that I say that, I begin to wonder if that's even what I really need. I thought I was past all the self- loathing, non acceptance shit. I thought that I have (had) become a person worthy of love, of compassion. I thought I was the kind of person worth getting to know. Maybe I need to just get away from all this, find my Shangrila, that place where it's just about me. Not about the people around me who I am trying hard to please or entertain or get to accept me. I would like one moment in time to be mine, sweet jesus, do you hear me?! Just mine. I don't want to have to answer to anyone, I don't want to have to take anyone's bullshit, or mind games, or requests or demands, or guilt or shame or burdens. i carry my own, thank you. I have never asked anyone for anything. I have never asked for help. I hate asking for help, I hate to admit when I'm introuble or sick or hurting. even now, writing this down if someone saw and asked if I was ok I would say no.
Take me into your arms and comfort me of your own doing, because I don't know how to ask. Not for help not for comfort, not even for a goddamn hug. Love me not because I have asked but because you do.

I do not know how to start being myself.