Assessment + Update

Apr 17, 2010 08:11

Though LiveJournal seems to be defunct, I still have hope in the process. Maybe one day, the concept of journal posting without Facebook or Myspace will return yet again and I will, once more, feel like I'm not talking to myself here.

Still, for those hangers-on, I will post something (hopefully) meaningful. I will also take this time to somewhat introduce myself, in case my LiveJournal catches the eye of some new wanderer. For those of you that already know me, I apologize ahead of time on the off-chance that I bore you to tears.

My name is Marisa, and I've had my LiveJournal account for 9 years come this November.
I am nearing 23 years old, and I don't have one bit of enthusiasm or disdain for it. Birthdays have never quite been my thing and I have always felt much older than what I am.



Here is a very recent picture of myself, for all intensive purposes.

I am an English major and a Sophomore at Auburn Montgomery in Montgomery, Alabama. I know for a fact that I am leaving Alabama as soon as I graduate because I don't like the lifestyle down here. Though, I do admit that I've begun arguing with myself over whether or not I'm achieving what I need to be achieving in order to impress myself. I do feel like most students have this internal struggle, so I don't really focus too much attention toward the issue. I am proud of the friends I have made and the people I have met, including my boyfriend of three years. As I write this now, I smirk at the thought. When I was younger, I never thought I'd find anyone that cared about me. Now I have great friends and this wonderful guy who has sat through every pointless argument and emotion I have ever given him. Somehow, he thinks I'm perfect... and if there is a God of some sort, may that God have mercy on him for that thought. Perfection would be sublime, but mundane.

The other day, I saw my ex. It wasn't just the usual ex-sighting that most people go through, and most people know what I am implying. Sometimes it is a "Oh, hi. How are things?" atmosphere and sometimes it's the atmosphere in which no one says anything. This sighting of mine was so manic, I'm sure it came with a prescription scrawled out ahead of time. I was shocked; I felt self-conscious, I wanted to run, I wanted to yell. I was sad, angry, nonchalant... all balled up into one panicked mess. I guess I just didn't want to ever see his eyes ever again. I know I spent far too much time in my life trying to convince myself that I needed him when he spent far too much time in our relationship avoiding me. Luckily, my boyfriend was there and we left as soon as we could. Last time I knew, he was doing well. I guess that bothered me at one point. When I was still quite unnerved about how our break-up went, I wished nothing good of him. I wanted him to be miserable, or to get sick. I hate to say that, but I know it was true. Now, I don't care how he is as long as I never have to see him. But, these experiences are part of life and as such, we live. What I have now is a much more tangible love. Sure, we fight over stupid things and at times we wait hours to discuss why we fought. But I know for some reason, he thinks I'm 100% wonderful and I would be crazy not to trust his judgment. I'm proud of him... He went almost a year, unemployed, and stumbled into a job this month thanks to a friend of his. He comes back from work exhausted, but I know he's happy to be working again. Though the job might interfere with his schoolwork... But I know he'll find his middle-ground between the two.

I've started looking for a job, too. I intimidate myself, though, and that often hinders my results. I worry that I won't be able to handle work and do well in school simultaneously. Well, that and I'm nearly 23 years old and I've never had a job. No one likes hiring inexperienced people, but we all have to start out fresh sometime. I just want to be able to make my Grandad proud. I know he wants me to succeed, and I know he is hoping I can find a job. It really put things into perspective when that was one of the first things he asked me about when he picked me up at the airport last Christmas. He's right, too. A person shouldn't go as long as I have without ever having a job. No matter how mature I may feel now, a job is a grand step toward maturity and I want to be that type of person.

Money. The almighty dollar, hm. I need it... and I dislike that I do. I miss the days when money could stretch much farther than it does now. I often run low on food, or nearly go without it. Grandad sends me $200 a month but I hate asking for more. I hate knowing that he pulls that monthly money out of his own account. I hate that I am an adult and I need to rely on someone else for finances... for food and health concerns. As I stated above, I want to make him proud and I feel like right now, I am much less of an adult than I would like to be. I want to be able to pay my own bills someday, preferably before he passes on, so I can show him how I can take care of myself. Situations like the ones I have been through really have hindered much of my life, and maybe I'm just starting out much slower than everyone else. Eventually, I hope I can catch up. Until then, scraps are the ticket I suppose. I just wish I could live the life that my friends live, and enjoy my years while I have them. Sadly, enjoying anything these days means spending money and that is something I quite literally cannot afford.

Hm. Perhaps I should leave the rest of this thought process for another installation. Maybe I can rev up the defibrillator and shock some life into this cadaver yet.
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