Fic - Night Terrors (Jill/Lindsay)
Title - Night Terrors
Pairing - Jill/Lindsay
Rating - PG13 I guess
AN - I am the first to confess that I haven’t read any WMC fic other than that written by thegirl20 and that this may be very redundant. I apologise for that but I am also aware that I have been a world of slack lately and that if I paused in order to read more I would probably never get around to writing this. Also, it is very talky which always makes me nervous. Oh and I have been burdened with an appalling deficit in my proof reading skills.
Night Terrors
There should have been no possible way for her day to get any worse but it would seem that the hits just keep on coming. Individual events of today would be more than enough to rate as the most traumatic thing that a person should have to deal with in their lifetime but when it comes to her fate seems to be far from done doling out torture. Maybe she is being punished for having one brief good moment amongst the chaos. She would have thought that she had already paid for that - her father’s deteriorating condition was surely adequate remuneration for having made a vague promise to email and call Pete.
The doctors assure her that her father is ‘stable’ but she it not sure that her understanding of stable includes seeing him with a tube down his throat and his chest sewn shut in a manor that reminds her of the way the Kiss Me Not Killer silenced his victims. They all nod sagely and tell her that his condition is an unfortunate but understandable complication of gun shot wounds. Their words do nothing to comfort or convince her - the wound was a through and through and he was fine at the scene and there is absolutely nothing that she finds understandable about the situation. It would be just like him to die on her. To leave her with nothing but anger and doubt and somehow making her feel like the bad guy even though he is the dirty cop who has made a career path already frighteningly steep a whole lot more difficult. The more she thinks about it the more she holds him responsible for the gradient. In a way he’s responsible for everything right down to her appearance that continues to work against her even if people can manage to ignore that she a woman and that she is Marty Boxer’s child.
She may not have been on speaking terms with him for the last few year but she is relatively sure that she would have pissed on him if he were on fire. She might have let him get a bit singed before she intervened but she would have come through in the end. She is certainly not willing to accept an outcome whereby he dies for her sins. Lindsay could not be more angry with him for getting himself kidnapped and shot and she is equally pissed off by the pitifulness of Billy Harris. This was the Bogeyman that stole her sleep. His nightmare presence took her marriage, her respect, her identity, her life - he should be a monster, he should clearly be evil incarnate, he certainly should not be some fucking pathetic manchild who was as much a victim as he was a perpetrator. Even with all he had done, even after watching him shoot two men in front of her and knowing that he would have shot her too she still feels like she has executed a twelve year old whose only crime was to want his father to love him.
The more she thinks about it the more certain she is that she has dealt with far more than a person should have had to deal with today and that she is entitled to some peace and sympathy but instead she looking at one very angry Jill asking her if she is really serious about the long distance thing with Pete. She so isn’t ready to have this conversation but it doesn’t seem like she is going to be given a choice, “I thought you liked him.”
“I did, I do.”
“You just about threw me into his arms.”
Jill shakes her head slowly, “What else am I supposed to do?”
“Accept that it is possible for people to survive without having sex on a regular basis.”
“Even if that were true, I don’t think I can be accused of trying to get you laid on a regular basis, that would imply that you get laid.”
“I have sex.”
“One night stands with your ex-husband do not count.”
“So that wasn’t sex?”
“I don’t know what that was but it wasn’t healthy.”
“And sleeping with anything with a pulse is?”
“That’s not fair.”
“What, so we can criticise me but not you?”
“I happen to be okay with my sexuality.”
“Is that what that is?”
“What what is?” Jill’s tone hasn’t changed but somehow there is vulnerability behind the anger now.
Lindsay choses to ignore the vulnerability and goes for the jugular, “The fact that you can barely keep your pants on and can’t keep the fact to yourself.”
Lindsay can now add pain to the things she hears in Jill’s voice, “Is that what you really think of me?”
“How do you think it feels that have to hear about how your latest conquest made you scream?”
“What does it really have to do with you?”
Lindsay shifts awkwardly and her voice softens, “You know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?”
“Off course you do,” she reaches over to stroke Jill’s face but Jill ducks her head to avert the gesture.
“What do I know? That you say you care about me but do nothing about it and yet you’ll happily fall back into bed with Tom?”
“That’s not what happened,” Jill locks onto her with a penetrating stare more effective than any polygraph, “well that is what happened but it’s not how it was.”
“Are you trying to plead extenuating circumstances?”
“I am trying to say that it’s not that simple. I was hurting and I have a past with him, there are things that we didn’t finish properly.”
“That is never going to change and you could have come to me if you were hurting.”
“You were busy playing house with Luke.”
“I thought you were happy for us.”
“I was, I think it was good for you.”
“You make it sound like eating my greens.”
“I thought it was a big thing for you, I didn’t want to get in the way.”
“You make it sound like I’m damaged.”
“You are, we both are. I couldn’t make it work with Tom.”
“Things happened Lindz.”
“Yeah they did but I look at him with her and I know that never made him feel like that.”
“Then he’s a fucking idiot,” Jill runs her fingers over Lindsay’s.
“No he’s not.”
“See, even in this you defend him.”
“I messed it up. I was the problem. What if I am always the problem?”
“So you are going to punish yourself for the rest of your life?”
“No, I am going to date a nice man who is living on another continent.”
“That’s not funny.”
“It’s not mean to be, it’s kinda sad actually.”
“You are not going to make you me feel sorry for you, I am busy being mad at you.”
“Because of Pete?”
“Amongst other things.”
“What other things?”
“If I tell you, you might get mad at me and as I have mentioned I am busy being mad at you.”
Her interest is piqued and she leans towards Jill, “What other things?”
“I am not going to tell you.”
“We both know I am good at interrogating, you should just tell me now and make it easy on yourself.”
“We are not in your precious room now detective and I know my rights.”
“And I don’t have the right to know what I have done to make you mad? How am I meant to fix it if you don’t tell me?”
“That was low.”
“I play to win.”
“So it would seem.”
“You’re still not going to tell me?”
“And give up the upper hand? Unlikley.”
“I could always just shoot you.”
“Then I would never tell.”
“Well I still don’t get why you are mad about Pete. You moved in with Luke and I didn’t complain. I agree to see someone again at some unspecified point in the future and you act like I have committed a crime.”
“You haven’t committed to anything since Tom. I always knew I would have to compete with his ghost, I didn’t bargain on the ghost haunting quite so close to home but I can live with that. What I can’t live with is if you are serious about this guy - what if he is the one, what if he makes you happy?”
“I shouldn’t be happy?”
Jill’s face becomes crimson, “You know I don’t mean it like that but if you find happiness with him what happens to me?”
“You’re not ready to be with me.”
Incredulous doesn’t begin to cover Jill’s look, “How can you be so fucking conceited?”
“Look at what happened with Luke.”
“It’s not fair to compare like that. I didn’t, I don’t feel for him what I feel for you.”
“But you felt something for him.”
“I loved him, I guess.”
“But you still debriefed Hanson in your office.”
“You don’t think I’d be faithful to you?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for that.”
“How the hell can you possibly know that?”
“What did you do when you broke up with Luke?”
“I moved on.”
“No, no you didn’t. You acted like you had been freed. You made it seem like breaking the heart of a decent man was something of a relief.”
“You make me sound so callous.”
“You’re not callous. You’re just you.”
“What does that mean?”
“What do you think it would be like if we were together?”
“I think it would be hot.”
Lindsay doesn’t bother to point out that Jill’s first thought is the physical connection, “How do you know you wouldn’t feel the same way about me that you did about Luke?”
“You are special to me.”
“Luke wasn’t special to you?”
“Of course he was.”
“But that wasn’t enough.”
“It would be different with you.”
“We can’t know that.”
“So we won’t even try?”
“Baby,” she reaches out for Jill’s face and this time Jill doesn’t object and instead nuzzles her cheek into Lindsay’s hand, “I am not going to chance losing you for sex.”
“It would be really, really good sex,” Jill responds and brushes her lips across Lindsay’s.
“I know that.”
“And that is not something you think is worth exploring?”
“I really hope we get to go there but even if we don’t I plan to grow old with you.”
“You think I’d grow old with you without getting sex?”
“Yeah I do.”
“Damn you.”
“What?” she’s genuinely puzzled by Jill’s response.
“I think you might be right.”
Lindsay smiles for the first time that evening and turns so that her back is planted against the arm of the couch. “Come here,” she says pulling Jill between her legs.
Jill falls back against Lindsay and lets her head flop onto the brunette’s shoulder, “I probably should have said so earlier but I hope your dad will be ok.”
“Me too.”
“Where does this leave us Lindz?”
“Where we’ve always been,” she wraps her arms around Jill and links their fingers together.
“You’ll excuse me if I am not entirely satisfied with that.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less. So do I get to hear about whatever else it is that you are mad at me about?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“On whether you are going to keep holding on to me if I upset you.”
“I can promise to try.”
“Fair enough.”
“So spill,” she rubs her thumbs over Jill’s hands.
“I am going to try and cope with Pete but I don’t think I would cope with someone closer to home.”
“I am as sure as I can be that things are over between me and Tom.”
“It’s not Tom that I am worried about.”
“There is certainly nothing going on between me and Jacobi.”
Jill turns her head and places a kiss on Lindsay’s neck, “I would hope not.”
“Then who?”
“Our intrepid girl reporter.”
“Cindy,” Lindsay drops her arms to her sides, “you think I am interested in Cindy?”
Jill grabs Lindsay’s arms and winds them back around her body, “I think Cindy is interested in you. More than interested in you.”
“It is a harmless crush.”
“So you’ve noticed?”
“And I have dutifully ignored. I am not interested in having a relationship with an embryo.”
“She is not an embryo.”
“She is little more than a foetus.”
“You don’t find her attention flattering?”
“She is cute is a loyal puppy kind of a way. She is certainly not my type,” Lindsay tightens her grip around Jill.
“Maybe not but she’s there and she’s willing and she would be much easier to have a relationship with than me.”
Lindsay burries her head in Jill’s soft hair, “Easy isn’t really my thing.”
“I hope not.”
“So are you going back to Claire’s or are you going to stay here with me tonight?”
“Let me see, do I sneak into Claire’s in the middle of the night alone and ruin my well earned reputation for being a woman of loose morals or do I stay the night in a hotel room with you? Tough choice. Have you got anything to sweeten the deal?”
“Well I was going to share the bed with you but you seem to be pushing for the couch.”
“I’ll be good, I’ll even keep my clothes on.”
She pushes Jill off her had then pulls them both to their feet. “Come on?”
As they settle into bed Lindsay lets out a sigh, “I am probably going to have to sell my place. I can’t stand the fact that he has been there.”
“He was already there you know, you let him in long ago.”
“I know but I can’t go back into my bedroom. It’s not mine anymore.”
“That’s ok. We needed to get you a new bed anyway.”
“What was wrong with my bed?”
“Pete and Tom have been in it.”
“And that worries you more than a dead girl.”
“Live ghosts are much more threatening.”
She moves across the bed and snuggles against Jill, “I do love you, you know?”
“And I must really love you.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I am about to spend the night in bed with an incredibly gorgeous woman whom I have been hot for for a very long time and I am not going to try and have sex with her.”
“And I appreciate that.”
“I should hope so.”
“Good night Jill.”
“Sweet dreams my Lindsay,” and whether it is through the power of Jill’s words or the comfort of her embrace Lindsay does sleep soundly in her arms. In the morning she will wake to monsters and the nightmare of the real world but for right now she has found peace.